When I was 13, I wanted to go to a moderately expensive summer camp. (I think the cost was about $1500 for three weeks.) My parents said I could go if I paid the bill myself. The thing is, I had no idea how to earn $1500 – which was probably more than the total amount of money that had passed through my hands up to that point – and my parents didn’t do much to help me learn. I saved my allowance, my birthday money, my Christmas money, I found a few babysitting jobs, but by the end of the year I only had about $400. My parents decided to pay the rest anyway.

I think that most 18-year-olds are probably as ill-equipped to come up with tens of thousands of dollars in college tuition as I was to come up with that $1500. Merely demanding that your child assume responsibility for an expense far greater than she’s ever had to deal with before doesn’t automatically give her the skills she needs to earn the money or to manage it responsibly. You have to help her develop those separately.

I graduated early at the age of 16, and went straight into college. Fortunately my parents were able to pay for everything for me (books, tuition, car, etc), which is a luxury that few people have nowadays. Because I did not have to work, I was able to graduate with a BA in Political Science, a BA in History and a minor in Law as well as anthropology (all subjects that I was deeply interested in).

After graduation I had no debt and so decided to go to law school. I graduated with honors and got my JD at the age of 22–the same age that many of my friends were finishing up their degrees at local universities. In fact my husband had to pay most of his way through college and because of this his grades suffered and he was not able to take on internships that would have greatly benefited him. It took him twice as long to finish his degree and when he did he had a mountain of debt (which we have thankfully gotten rid of).

Perhaps it was where I grew up, but it was just expected that a person would go to college and that parents would at least make an effort to help their children out. Some people aren’t in that financial situation, but that is different—I can understand why a parent would not be able to fund higher education under those circumstances. But if you have the ability to help out at least a little, isn’t that part of your parental obligation? I think most parents want to help their children get a great start in life and even if that great start doesn’t lead their children to a college degree, wouldn’t it be nice to have at least some money saved up to help them out?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but if you cannot or will not pay for child’s college education I hope that you at least sit down with them and explain to them what your beliefs and circumstances are. I remember in high school my best friend wanted to go to school to be a teacher. Her parents had led her to believe that her education was all taken care of. But come the last semester of her senior year she got the shock of her life, when she started sending out college applications and her parents told her that she would be responsible for paying for her entire tuition. No matter your beliefs on the matter, I think we can pretty much all agree that this was unfair and because of this my friend had to take up a minimum wage job right out of high school and is now finally finishing up her degree at the age of 28. While she did scrimp and save for several years to be able to afford her degree, it just goes to show how difficult it is to try and pay for college while going to school (especially when jobs in your area almost never hire anyone without a degree).

I just hope whatever you decide to do for your family, that you are honest and open about it with your children. Don’t spring it on them their last year of school and tell them that they have to pay for college all by themselves—the task is daunting enough for those of us already established in our lives, let alone a young adult!

We want to maximize their ability to receive need-based scholarships and low-cost loans in order to pay their own way through whatever college or further education they wish to seek. This is designed give them a sense of skin in the game.

After a few years of paying down their newly acquired debt, they’ll receive a small wind-fall that will allow them to make a financial decision based on what they’ve hopefully learned from the experience.

Basically the best combination of the experience I had (pay your own way and the life lessons that come with it) and the experience my wife had (starting out life without financial burdens and the freedom that comes with it).

I think this way, we learn about responsibilities and how to handle money. We learn about what to prioritize over others — in this case, school over anything else.

Knowing this, I worked my toukus off in high school to get top grades and be able to write my own ticket. As a result, I attended undergrad and grad school at expensive private universities for free, meaning I only had to work part-time for spending money, and was able to graduate with zero loans and complete career-choice flexibility.

I feel that my parents gave me an incredible gift. They invested in me early (and the cost of that expensive private high school was far lower than what the college/grad tuition bills would have been) and managed to instill a work ethic and sense of personal responsibility that serves me to this day.

I’ll tell my kids early and often: I’ll help prepare you and get you to college, but then you’re on your own. Get ready now.

I’ll help out my next two kids – again at the state university with lower tuition rates (or vo-tech, if that is what they want). Failing grades? They’ll be on their own.

What shocks me are the parents who continue paying their kid’s college loans after the kid has graduated and is making a lucrative salary on their own. I guess these are people who promised to put their children thru college and are holding to that promise even tho it will be a monkey on their (the parents’) backs for years to come. I would be embarressed to let my parents do that for me.