So now I am the Villian By Proxy because of our parent’s decision to make these ammends to his/her will. The best I can do is finish my job of distributing the deceased parents’ personal property, as the real estate and life insurance money was put in the Trust, and will be distributed per the “75/25″ in the next few months.

I would like some advice on how to handle this, as now I am between an inherited rock and a hard space.

Thanks, Victoria in Texas

The worst situation I ever witnessed, was people racing back from the funeral to a friend’s great aunt’s house, so they could stake claims to their share of the household contents. There was actually pushing and shoving in that one. It was sickening to witness.

Even with people you consider level headed, it can turn ugly over some simple thing. How dare my sister in law get that good china! She promised me I’d get the jewelry! It’s always something, and every bad feeling that has been repressed for years will come to the fore. It often takes time for it to heal.

I’m trying to teach my kids that it’s my money, don’t expect any, and I’ll give you what I want when I want to. No expectations. Easy enough to say at this stage, but hopefully I’ll follow some other advice I’ve given my mother, and that’s to pass any prized heirloom to people before you die. That way, they may want to claim it as part of the estate, but they legally can’t.

Most importantly: do something, anything, about estate planning. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be a living trust (although most folks would benefit from one). But having your legal documents in place will help you to protect the relationships your family has with each other.

And Jenn’s right: none of us are entitled to an inheritance. Yet I also believe that a family member who cares for another should be fairly compensated for their time and efforts, ideally not as part of an inheritance. But if that’s the form it takes, so be it. And no whining from the folks who weren’t there to change the Depends!

When it’s time for me to die, remind me to leave everything to charity.

I am glad the grandpa stuck it to the others who wanted nothing to do with the family in the end.

Any challenges would then have to come while grandpa’s still alive.

He only has to tell the court “those greedy kids get nothing” and it’s over.

No multi-year fight in probate court.

And with a illiquid asset like land, you really, really want to get the land out of his hands ASAP and start that 5 year clock (Medicaid’s new “lookback” period) running

Everything in a revocable living trust is accessible to Medicaid liens.

Since the money is already in a trust, I doubt a non-beneficiary could even see the terms of the trust (a court could still review it) – I think the lesson there is to NOT tell your disinherited kids the terms of the trust.

>Anyone can file a will contest

By the way, just because you’re named as executor, doesn’t mean you have to serve as one (or accept the fee executors get). That’s why wills name alternate and second alternate executors. If his being named executor is such a bone of contention, why not just step aside and let the attorney (or alternate) do it? Or at the very least, notify the family the he won’t accept the fee. My brother was executor of both my dad’s and mom’s estate and never accepted a dime.

Don’t depend on an inheritance. Don’t wait like a vulture for someone close to you to die. And certainly don’t think you’re ENTITLED to anything… an inheritance is a gift from someone you love. Don’t take it for granted.

The problem with those who are land rich but cash poor is that the state often ends up footing their bills via Medicaid.

And the state WILL attach a lien to real property (and bring any other asset transfers in the last 5 years back into the estate) to recover their costs.

My wife’s grandparents distributed their farm between their kids over 20 years ago, while they were still relatively healthy.

Grandma’s still alive in her 90s and lives with her youngest child.

And the family farm is still in the family.

After having cared for my mom for 10 years before she passed away last fall, I say Rick does indeed deserve the larger share of the land AND the money.

Many in that situation are forced to forego income/career opportunities to care for their aging parents.

The typical story on my online email support group has one of the children (often the youngest female) being “elected” to care for mom/dad.

They usually get kicked out of the house the day after the funeral (”we have to get it ready to sell”), after spending 5-10 years caring for their parent.

Try restarting a career after a decade out of your field.

As I grew older I noticed that he was never really one to reach out to his family to maintain relations – he waited for everyone else to come to him. I learned much later (in my 20’s) that following his divorce from my grandmother, he did not meet his finacial obligations to his children (to spite my grandma apparently) and was able to get away with it like many men before better enforcement of child support decrees.

Of his four children – one was a life long drug abuser who died young (five kids and a widow left completely destitute), leaving my mother and her two other siblings. He is currently waging a very disturbing campaign of emotional and financial bribery. He is using the promise of his decent sized estate to try to lure his kids into his life at this later stage because he didn’t do the parental groundwork before.

My mom and uncle each are financially sound enough that they are not scrambling at the dollars being waved. My aunt however, fell for it and has been doting on him (took him into her home and nursing him essentially). An argument arose and he got mad and told her he was gonna cut her out of most of his estate (leaving her $1000) and that he’d leave the rest to her two siblings. *Note: my aunt and her husband have never been fiscally responsible and burned through the inheritances they each received after the deaths of their respective mothers.

My aunt came to BELIEVE that my grandfather’s money is OWED to her because she is not as financially prepared as her siblings and because she took in my grandpa for a time. it has turned ugly and she has been fighting with grandpa, my mom and uncle (who are each asking my grandfather not to let spite derail him from the estate planning he did years ago in which each of his children or their heirs will share equally).

My aunt is so worried about further antagonizing my granfather she has turned on her siblings instead. Very sad and ugly.

If he is sure he won’t be agreeing to any further medical care, he could head-off some of the fights by distributing the maximum allowable distribution of $12K per year to family or friends of his choice. And/or he could begin distributing the land now and gift money to cover the taxes.

Sounds like a mess that could have been avoided with a $1,500 visit to an estate lawyer, or at least by picking up a NOLO book on estate planning.