I did not read through all of the many responses to this post. I have read items on your site before, but do not know enough to know what you and your wife do for a living. That being said, I wonder how much flexibility either of you has at work … while staying home fully may not be an option, flexing your hours forward or backward, working a compressed schedule, or downing to part-time if that is a possibility might help you to spend some more time with your kids.

I currently work three 8-hour days and my husband (a teacher) works a full schedule. Our kids are in daycare for 24 hours a week and I have the ability to be home with them two days. It’s been a financial stretch – I must thank you as some of your articles have helped! – but it is definitely worth it.

As a final note, I found books like How to Avoid the Mommy Trap and the Working Mom’s Guide to Life helpful for learning to think outside the box when creating flexible work arrangements.

Hope this helps!

K

… but I don’t think intense socialising before your are potty trained makes sense:

you are then vulnerable and need care from your social group; and this group should be limited and not renewed very often, if I understand things right.

I know the first reaction is denial and indignance. I couldn’t stand it when I first heard it. It meant I HAD to change.

The truth is, you shouldn’t entrust hirelings (daycare workers) with so much influence over your greatest “family assets” because they “intrinsically” cannot care as much as you about the future of your family. Financial responsibility is definitely a high priority responsibility as a parent, and it permeates many other areas of life, but it is not the highest priority responsibility as a parent. I agree with Melissa directly above here and many people who have posted. You love your kids and you would die for them. A father needs to ask himself, do I love them enough to die daily for them; truly make daily sacrifices? You know the correct answer is yes, but it’s not always easy to take the plunge. However, you should never take the counsel of Fear, there is always a better counselor available.

Man, I never post, but you totally got me sucked in with the kid scenario. =)

Seriously though, we all make emotional decisions, and then we pile logic on top of those decisions. So look your boy in the eyes and write down your priorities in life. Then immediately start forging a path to live totally by your principles.
At the end of the day/month/year, it’s a greater peace, even if temporarily at the expense of financial peace. (And when you have a handle on personal finance like you already do, you know it’s only temporary adjustment).

I’ve got 2 kids, I think I’m about the same age as you, and my wife and I have always arranged to have her at home w/ the kids, regardless of financial circumstances or pressures. I find a lot of your articles helpful. Thanks.

This is a community property state. For married people, though, the Social Security Administration does not look at community income: it looks at YOUR income.

During the 25 years my ex- and I were married, he was among the top 3 percent of earners in this country; only in the earliest years of the marriage did he earn less than six figures. Because I stayed home to raise our son and be a corporate wife, we used my freelance writing and editing business as a tax write-off. Though during the marriage I held jobs as a university instructor, as a business editor and as associate editor of what was then the largest regional magazine in the country, little of what I earned showed up on our tax records–again, because we deducted so much that my earnings were essentially reduced to naught.

As a result, my Social Security income, if I retired today, would be a little over $800 a month. This would barely cover the utilities and taxes on my house. It would not cover, in addition, homeowner’s insurance, car insurance, and state taxes on my seven-year-old car–let alone provide enough for me to eat.

When I went over to the Social Security offices and asked about the rule saying a person who divorces after a long marriage can base SS payments on the high-earning ex-spouse’s income, first the man I spoke to was rude to me, and then he told me to forget it.

If I work until I’m 65, the amount will go up to something like $1,200…but remember, as a single person I use most of my $2,800 take-home pay to support myself and my house, and I can’t be accused of living extravagantly.

Meanwhile, my semi-demi-significant other quit work in his late 40s and supported himself largely through freelance writing, extreme frugality, and the active-duty Air Force Reserve (which hired him for what the civilian world would call temp work about six to twelve weeks a year). As a journalist and freelance P.R. writer, he never grossed more than about $35,000 or $40,000. He walked into the Social Security offices the instant he turned 62 and was handed more than $1,250 a month. Because he was seen to be earning during the years he was married–and I was not, despite de facto community earnings of more than three times what he earned–he is now seen as eligible for lots more retirement income.

The government does not encourage stay-at-home parenting, no more than does the corporate world. If it’s true that the pay disparity between men and women results from women stepping out of their careers a few years to care for small children, then you may find that you can’t command a decent wage when you are ready to go back to work. The consequence of that may be signficant impoverishment in old age.

The Census Bureau has reported that elderly women make up 58 percent of the elderly population…but 74 percent of the poor elderly. There’s a reason for that.

@ brent: psst, your socio-political agenda is showing.

I have a friend whose husband has been the stay-at-home dad for years, just taking the occasional part-time job to help out financially. It has been good for the kids, and he seems to manage okay, but lately he’s had struggles as he is less and less able to feel “manly” in a society that looks at you with some distrust if you chose this route. Now that both kids are in school, he is wanting to go back to work but finding that path extremely difficult.

I am not discouraging you from this path. I was a stay at home mom for years. I just want you to understand the pitfalls. Explaining the gap between employers is one of them. Even for a woman (and let’s not pretend that things are the same for both) I am looked at with some disdain, as if I am less reliable and less career focused.

You should have an easier time of it because you are essentially self-employed and will, I trust, be able to show that. Keep up your resume, and do track your self-emplyment as a “real” job. You won’t be nearly so far behind as I or my friend’s husband if the time should come that you want or need to take a regular job again.

There are many who will counsel you to choose the poverty, that your financial goals for yourself and your family are a compromise. I don’t believe that is true. Financial sacrifice is one thing, financial ruin is another. Only you and your wife can decide what is acceptable and it sounds as if you have. Keep working toward that goal. Perhaps being a full-time stay-at-home writer/dad is in your future. I’m sure you can pull it off if anyone can!

For years I’ve studied the effects of day care in comparison to children with a SAHP and it’s amazing to see the differences first hand. It’s actually… scary.

But, come Mid-October, that’s going to change for me. My wife is pregnant with twin identical girls, and we couldn’t afford $1,100 a month two have 2 in daycare and 1 in a peer-mentor program at preschool, so I’ll be Daddy Daycare.

And I’m pumped about it. I’ll do the preschool run with my son, and watch our two girls and my best friend’s daughter who will be 3 months by the time we’re ready for it all.

It helps that my parents raised me to be a good wife (/joke), so I’m cozy in the kitchen, laundry, and being in drumline for 6 years in high school and college, I can deal with loud noises for VERY long periods of time.

Most of all, I’m looking forward to laughing a lot more. A LOT more.

On a side: My mom watched other kids in our home when I was little to help off-set the cost of staying home. You would still get quality time at home with your children, they could socialize with other kids, you would see other adults, and if you set it up as a “true” business (you would need to check state regulations), you can right off baby toys, food, ect.

You need to focus on what works for your family. If daycare is the way to go, so be it. But if you want to think about a SAHparent, you’ll need to plan to get there.

My partner & I each had our own home when we met. After we married, we lived in her house for the first few years & tried to sell mine. In the meantime, we fostered and adopted our kids. We HAD to rely on daycare because neither of our jobs would insure domestic partners- and we couldn’t afford buying the SAHM health insurance if one of us stayed home. We knew ultimately we wanted a working mom and a stay at home mom for our kids, but it just couldn’t happen. We saved as best we could and had everything ready for the circumstances to align. We sold both houses and moved into the neighborhood where we both grew up, and grandparents could do afterschool care for our oldest- allowing us to save more money. Fast forward a few years and my work moved into the 21st century and added domestic partner health benefits. We knew we needed to just get a few more things ready- chiefly buying a vehicle big enough for growing family. Once we got the van, she quit her job (last July) and became the SAHM while I’m the working mom (my job pays more than hers with way more room for advancement).

A few years from now, things may be different. Our kids are now 8, 5, 2, and 3 mos- but we will likely have to consider her going back to work for college money within the next five years or so. That will mean afterschool programs and maybe daycare for the littlest one. We will have to weigh the pros and cons and decide from there if it would be worth it. It might just make more sense to continue to economize, stay in our 3 bedroom ranch, and just put up the adoption stipend money from the state for their college funds as we do now. (Two of the 4 kids warranted stipend money- we take this and divide it by 4 into their college accounts; RARELY, we use it for things like karate classes, summer camp, etc). Obviously, other families would not have this backup as we do, but we see it as their money, not ours, and therefore only feel comfortable using for them.

I have to say that if anyone could do it would be you, Mr Frugal. Perhaps you’re a bit too analytical about this, most Most SAHM that I’ve read about all said they all just gave up the job and made it work.

I’m surprised no one has mentioned this but in the early years of our marriage (23 and counting and no kids) almost all our friends were two income households (usually blue-collar) and they solved the daycare issue by working different shifts. One worked the day shift, the other nights and weekends. Is there any reason why your wife can’t have her job and you take a job in retail working evenings and weekends (or something similar). Solves the daycare issue and still allows you to run your businesses while still bringing in an income.

While on the subject I’ve known kids that have grown up both on both sides of the divide (SAHM and WM) and it makes no difference. It seems kids turn out they way they want to be. My sister was a SAHM to her 5 kids and pretty much all of them have had social problems in their adult years. At my Moms funeral recently I asked my one nephew (whom I haven’t seen of heard from in years) what he was doing “nothing productive” was his answer. Pretty much sums her kids. On the other hands I have friends who grew up with WMs who themselves worked and yet the kids turned out fine. Even in situations where the father was far from ideal, one weirdly religious (Christmas and church were out this inspite of being a Christian) the other very hot tempered (wife and kids hated him with a capital H) yet they’re still married (he changed) and the kids have all turned out ok. What makes one kid walk the straight and narrow and another veer off, who knows but I don’t think working or not makes much of a difference

For those interested the mommy wars (SAHM vs WM) the WSJ has an excellent blog on that very thing.

http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/