Comments on: A Wedding Dilemma: I Can’t Afford To Reciprocate!

By: katy

katy — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:17:40 +0000

There is no shame in saying you can’t attend and are saving up to pay off………..whatever. Send a nice card with a note.

Any one would appreciate your kindness and honesty.

By: rev.lewis bowman

rev.lewis bowman — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 12:03:09 +0000

I am a fairley new reverend and very nervous about doing any of my duties that involve getting up in front of a crowd of people, but i am very capable of doing the counseling involved and would practice alot till i am sure i could deliver you a wedding sermon you would be proud of so if you are getting married in the 30014 or anywhwere around it in georgia, i am ready to start doing my services that i am supposed to be doing, anyway if you are willing to take a chance on me, i am willing to start doing weddings, so if you think you need me for weddings or any other counseling i need to start doing the things god has intrusted to me to do so e-mail me with your questions, i will do a standard wedding or will do vows you have chosen, thank you and god bless all you love and care aboutrev. lewis

By: Patti

Patti — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 03:48:50 +0000

Once for a job wedding shower, where the bride had an expensive registry that she did not expect her coworkers to use, I found two cool gifts at a grocery store: a Libby glass water pitcher and a Rubbermaid thermos bottle. Each was about three dollars. She was thrilled, particularly at the water pitcher. Think about it: most water pitchers eventually get broken so why not use inexpensive pretty pitchers?

By: Alisha

Alisha — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 22:30:33 +0000

Make sure to check the following cheap travel options:

Couch Surfing (www.couchsurfing.com), where people will let you sleep at their house (guest room, couch, floor), FOR FREE.

also Kayak.com for cheap airfare. A friend of mine got 2 round trip tickets from DC to Seattle for about $200 there. YMMV.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 21:35:49 +0000

Kay, I really like some of your suggestions. I am going through this myself. For me, although money is tight, the real problem is getting the time off work for every one of these weddings. I simply explain that I wish I could be there, but there is no way I can get the time off work right now to make the trip, and then I send them a meaningful gift and a nice note. This way the couple does not feel bad about money being the problem and I offer to visit as soon as work gets a little less hectic and their lives have settled down a bit.

By: guinness416

guinness416 — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 16:44:42 +0000

In a lot of the weddings I’ve attended, the couple (and other guests) have been really touched by a warm, carefully written message from absent invitees read out during the “telegrams” bit by the best man. Especially for a large wedding, this may hit the spot more than a gift, because it’s a public message of how much you care.

But really, yes, honesty is the best policy. I personally think one should move heaven and earth to attend siblings’ weddings, but beyond that everyone understands that not every guest can attend – some people still cancel a few days prior to the event.

By: pam

pam — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 16:15:22 +0000

I just got married this summer. I sent invites to out-of-town family so they wouldn’t feel unwanted. I in-no-way expected them to come! I know how expensive it is to travel. I agree with Dawn.

For the only out-of-towner that I really wanted to see (my sister), I got her a plane ticket with frequent flier miles and arranged a place to stay.

Relax about the invitations you’ve received! Sent a card with your hand-written good wishes. Tell them honestly that you wish you could be there to share their day. They will be happy you thought of them.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 16:01:51 +0000

For anyone planning a wedding, We had this problem because our family is from 2 different coasts. For the guests who traveled, we arranged cheaper airline tickets and donated miles to family. (As soon as we got engaged we got a mileage credit card. they will waive the first year fee, and we used it for all wedding expenses, paying it off as we went. After the wedding, we cancelled the card). We also arranged for people to stay with family as much as possible, and arranged for hotel rooms less than $100 a night at a very nice hotel. The best thing we did was have a bus that took people from the hotel to the wedding/reception and back. It cost us only $350, but it saved all of our guests so much stress and grief. We also asked our friends traveling to consider not giving a gift, as their travel was our gift.

We weren’t offended by people who didn’t come, but sent cards and/or gifts, or by people who came but gave no gift. Everyone just does the best you can in this life.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 14:28:06 +0000

Yes, I think AT LEAST send them a beautiful card so they know you acknowledge the wedding and send best wishes.
I had a similar problem a year ago, three coworkers had babies showers all at the same time. The only thing I could think of to do was to just go to the ones within my immediate department. I just couldn’t afford to do more. Unfortunately I believe I did offend the gal I left out, but I honestly didn’t really mean to. I just didn’t know how to handle it.

By: Ted

Ted — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 14:27:59 +0000

Ah yes. Been there. By the time I was 30 I informed my wife I’d no longer be attending weddings with the exception of family members or if I was a member of the wedding party.

By: Sharon

Sharon — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 14:08:47 +0000

Lori,
I thought that requesting money as a gift was really tacky. With a stated minimum amount…that is beyond tacky. Beyond rude. Wow…Almost criminal…

By: ruthie

ruthie — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 13:37:28 +0000

Jane, on the ones you decline, if it is a realistic option, you might mention that you and your future hubby would love to come and visit them later (after big expenses have calmed down for you). The time spent would be quality time after their wedding (when their lives have calmed down) instead of rush-rush limited time during their wedding.

As an aside, speaking for myself only, I lost a lot of “friends” after I got married. I think you will find out who your true friends are six months to a year after your wedding.

Ruthie

By: plonkee

plonkee — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 13:00:47 +0000

The only thing I’d say is that you absolutely must send something. When I say something, I’m thinking that the minimum is a card. And if you don’t go, you should write a really nice message in the card.

Other than that, if you really can’t afford to go, then don’t.

By: 3bean

3bean — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 12:02:47 +0000

Keep in mind that you and your fiance don’t need to BOTH attend every wedding. Think about just one of you going… a delegate for the couple, if you will :-) Not only does this reduce a plane ticket, but you’ll more likely be able to share a hotel room with another single friend. I am married and I would do this. I’m not saying you fall into this category, but so many married people stop doing anything solo after they tie. It drives me nuts.

Personally, I make every effort to attend any wedding of someone who made the effort to come to mine. In fact, I’ll be driving 7 hours this very afternoon to get to one!

By: kay

kay — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 04:12:39 +0000

I hear you, sister! Here are a few ideas…

1. Even if you don’t know anyone in town, the bride and groom may have nearby friends, relatives or members of the wedding party who will happily put up guests. (Bonus: they’ll be going to the wedding, too, so you can all carpool!)
2. I’ve had good luck with alternative forms of housing, like college dorms (sometimes they rent rooms out during summer vacation) and camping at outdoorsy weddings. Also: try hostels!
3. If it’s within a day’s drive, I’ve turned it into a road trip. It’s extra fun when travelling with other wedding guests, plus you can split the driving and the cost of gas, and bring along some of your meals and snacks.
4. If you have a talent for doing something wedding-related that the bride and groom might otherwise pay for (like baking cakes, doing photography or videography, designing invitations and thank-you cards, deejaying the reception), the couple might consider your offer of service a lovely wedding gift.
5. I’m also a big fan of the home-made gift. A photo album of favorite times together is easy to make, even if you aren’t crafty. Or, how could you go wrong with a donation to a charity they support?
6. Finally, if you can’t be there in the flesh, be there through the magic of media. The previous comment about sending a toast to be read at the reception is a good idea — or, how about writing a special letter only to be opened on your friend’s wedding day, or recording a message on cassette or video for them? Just a little something to let you know you’re thinking of them that day…

By: Rebekah

Rebekah — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 03:06:47 +0000

While this won’t work for many people, my mom says that one of my brother’s favorite gifts was my getting my parents to his wedding, as he wanted both of them to walk them down the aisle. I pre-ordered and picked up their train tickets, got my elderly father cleaned up and got both my parents to the train on time. I left a day later, to deal with their plumber and a mess at home. (For the wedding itself, my brother hired a nurse to dress my dad and to look after him, and she was a godsend.) I’d helped with packing, last minute items, the driving, etc., and it was one less thing that my family had to worry about.

For a gift, I’d only gotten my sister in law and brother sheets, and I’d gotten to their registry late and got the last trinkets for their shower. But I got my mom to the shower, and managed to get my parents to the wedding, and that meant more to everyone than an expensive gift.

By: Lori

Lori — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 22:39:03 +0000

What I’ve been doing is declining invitations and just sending a really nice present. You don’t have to explain why you can’t attend and in my opinion if you say, “We can’t afford to be there,” then you run the risk of making them feel bad. Even small weddings are a lot of work and the bride and groom probably don’t have time to figure out how to help everyone get there. I think it’s kinder and easier for everyone to just decline and send a gift.

Our wedding was small, about twenty people attended. About six of those people wanted to take us out to dinner as our gift… that weekend while they were in town! The thought was really nice and I appreciated it, but time was so tight that it was exhausting to accommodate everyone. Some people who came didn’t get us presents because they couldn’t afford it on top of the trip, and that was totally fine with us. I get really upset when people use their weddings to extort gifts… my friend was invited to a wedding and the couple were asking for Visa gift cards with a minimum $50 balance! Tacky, tacky.

By: Jen

Jen — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 21:35:04 +0000

I went through that about 5yrs ago. The group of us always pooled money and got a good gift from the group. The person in the town the wedding was in was in charge of buying it. It was usually towels or china.

when my friend Kelly got married, it was on the opposite coast of me and my hubby and we just couldn’t afford the airfare. I called her and told her the facts and she was sympethetic but sad. The next day she stumbled on a cheap red eye fare and called me. We could afford that and booked it and were really glad we got to go.

So talk to the bride and groom, and they may help you figure out a way to go.

By: Maria

Maria — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 19:53:54 +0000

I had a year much like Jane is having a while ago. It seemed like I didn’t have a weekend all summer without a wedding to attend. Fortunately most of them were local, but still involved the expenses of buying shower gifts, wedding gifts and clothes for myself. One thing that was really helpful was to participate in a lot of group gift purchases. That way everyone in my group of friends could contribute $20 and give the bride and groom a really nice gift.

By: Celeste

Celeste — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 19:00:13 +0000

Slightly off topic ’cause it doesn’t seem to apply to the relationship this reader has with her friends, but…I am so sick of weddings getting to be bigger and bigger blow-outs every year, with more and more expected from the guests. My co-worker planned a huge blowout wedding, but she planned everything to make her GUESTS feel comfortable, not the other way around. I thought that was a nice sentiment.

Trent, here’s an article idea: how about what to do when social “obligations” and etiquette norms clash with choosing frugal living?