I understand if a parent can’t afford to help their kids through university, but I know two examples where parents really took it too far.
1) A friend got free education but had to pay living costs. Their parents contributed some but they had to work in the summer (in awful minimum wage jobs) and a bit during their degree to afford to live. The parents then expected rent! Continuing to give free accommodation while a child is in full time education is not going to ruin their character.

2) My parents took my sister out to celebrate graduation in a big group with her friends and those friend’s parents. One set of parents paid their bill and left early. They did not pay their child’s dinner (or if they had it would have been at the expense of any other graduation present).

Both went to expensive schools and graduated within 4 years. They borrowed all they could through federal (non-private) loans and worked work-study or had athletic scholarships. We took out PLUS loans to finance the remainder. All of these loans originated more than 3 years ago and have great rates. The total of our family school loans is now about $666 per month.

My wife and I reimburse our sons for their loan payments and of course we pay the PLUS loan payment. BUT, our sons each pay us $100 per month in re-reimbursement. So, in fact, we pay $466 per month and they each pay $100 per month.

They are both working, but have not found clear career paths yet. However, they are not burdened by huge loans and can set out early in life with some saving plans. And because we pay all of the loans, we know that their school loans are being paid and their credit scores are rising.

They also know that their reimbursements back to us are negotiable; we may decrease the amount if they go back to school for advanced training, and we probably will ask them to raise their payments once they get better jobs or we see that they are not seeking future career plans.
Even if their school loans are paid off entirely, we will ask them to continue their reimbursements to us for the PLUS loan.

Another good point about this plan, is that we are treating our two sons equally and neither can complain of preferential treatment.

Not all kids whose parents pay for their educations are spoiled, lazy trust-fund babies. My parents planned since the day I was born for me to attend higher education. They made it clear to me that at age 17-18 I was still a child and had to follow their rules, which meant continuing my education. I knew that if I flunked out, I would be cut off from their support. There was also a tacit agreement that I would not darken their doorstep after I graduated. Accordingly, unlike many of my cohort who ended up moving back home in their mid-twenties, I have lived in poverty on my own and never asked my parents for anything after completing my bachelor’s.

The comments people make about students slacking off through their education if they are not paying for it is likely true to a certain extent but definitely cuts too widely across the board. I know an equal amount of poor students who were paying for their own education, and those that were relying on parental support. If you’re not a dedicated student, you will remain a slacker whether you’re living off student loans or not. If you trust your child to do the best with what you provide them with, then it wouldn’t necessarily be a detriment to give them a boost.

I’m speaking as a recent graduate of my first degree who is now back at school for a professional degree. My parents gave me an huge amount of financial support: tuition, living expenses, practical expenses (winter coats, gas etc.) and more during University. I used my summer job savings to pay for expenses like shopping, movies, and dinners out.

I definitely feel/felt incredibly advantaged, and I knew I had a relatively unique and ‘easy’ setup. So I worked hard. Not maddeningly diligently, but pulled in very respectable grades because there was no reason not to. My parents didn’t put pressure on me, but the mere fact that they were willing to invest financially in me was a huge motivating factor. They subscribe to the idea that I will eventually inherit this money when I am older. I need it more when I’m 18 than I do when I am 45.

Their financial support meant I could get involved in a lot of school organizations and cultivate some unique and not-necessarily-profitable interests. If anything, I remember my University experience from the learning experiences and relationships I formed during my extra-curriculars rather than just the academics.

At the same time, I must admit that I am not as resourceful as some people who may have had to scramble for advantages. I definitely could have built up more work experience and stuffed my days a bit more. It would be helpful to encourage your children to gain more work skills while at the same time giving them the financial foundation to help them do so.

All in all, it’s on a case by case basis.

My mother (a young widow) made it very clear to my brothers and I that she could not afford to support us once we were old enough to support ourselves. We had to find a way to finance our own educations and, if we chose to continue living at home after high school graduation, we would be required to pay a share of the household bills. None of us chose to live at home; one brother and I got our own apartments while my other brother earned scholarships that paid for his college. After two years of living on my own, I started college at a community college and transferred to a university night program.

Unlike many of my friends growing up, I recieved no financial assistance after the age of 18 from anyone, and I am THANKFUL for it. It was a tough reality check to learn, for example, how little a minimum wage job would buy, or figuring out that it was cheaper to walk to work or take public transportation as opposed to owning a car. However, I learned quickly. I graduated from college with no loan debt and a high GPA (you will work harder to pass classes if you know that YOU will have to pay to repeat them). Because I worked full-time while going to school, I had more job experience than other graduates my age and usually got the jobs I interviewed for. I learned to save and still bypass credit cards unless it’s an emergency. It’s unthinkable to me to pay full price for anything, and I’ve gotten into the habit of eating out rarely (I can cook excellent meals with cheap ingredients), using coupons, shopping on eBay or at consignment stores and repairing/reusing possessions instead of buying new. Unlike most Americans, I live far below my means, have no debt and have a nest egg saved.

Had my mother continued to support me past the age of 18, I would have been like a lot of others I know: swimming in debt, living on credit cards and unable to be resourceful. I have a small child, and he already knows that his success in life will be determined by how hard he works and learns and NOT what hand-outs I give him.

He knew in high school that his parents were ‘cutting him off’ after graduation, I, on the other hand, knew my parents had a nice 529 nest made for me, which would cover most of my private education tuition. The rest of my tuition I had to was covered by scholarships (my dad made sure I ACTIVELY sought these out) and a small loan (out of college I owe $11,000, which I will pay off at 4% interest for a couple decades—which, I think is very manageable). At 23, I am at my second job, both at respectable companies, but never earning more than $32k a year. I know what I can afford, and I don’t feel trapped, and I know I am one lucky (and much loved) girl, and I really admire my parents’ financial wisdom 23 years ago.

My friend on the other hand, went to a nice state school, and he never really excelled in his classes although he is very birght, because he had to work full-time during college. Now, he can’t find a job that fits him, and he is ALWAYS complaining about his debt (and when talking about finances, it’s clear he doesn’t have a plan to manage them since he’s always just paying off debt and not saving anything). On top of that, he is estranged from his parents, who are very nice and decent people. I guess what I am trying to say is that I worry that there are deeper and more significant consequences to not financially supporting a child through college. My friend feels unsupported from them in so many other ways, which I don’t think his parents would have ever wanted him to feel, ever.

I never expected my parents to pay for my schooling and I don’t expect to pay much for my children’s. In fact in the area of the country that I live in, It’s unusual for parents to pay much of their child’s college education. Maybe this is because there are a lot of large families?

The fact that they paid for school did NOT make me take it for granted. All that was required was that my dad sat down with me each year and related the amount of money that was being spent on what he and my mother were giving up. It’s pretty sobering to hear that, even though your mother’s car desperately needs to be replaced, they’re spending the money to buy an entire new car, cash up front, on a year of your school. You don’t take it for granted then.

But, had they not paid, I would never have gotten as much out of college as I did. I graduated summa cum laude from an Ivy League University, and have graduate school completely paid for, including a stipend that pays for EVERYTHING for the next six years. I’m great at managing my money (I save ~20% of my post-tax income), and my parents don’t pay for anything any more. But, their support during college made all the difference. I had time to focus on my studies. I had time to experience the cultural opportunities available to me in New York City. I had time to work in a lab, time to be a teaching assistant for a class, time to take classes outside of my major, and time to socialize. ALL of those things enrich my life now.

I don’t think the outcome has anything to do with whether or not your parents foot the bill in the end. It has to do with how much time they’ve spent teaching you to manage money as a child. Show them a bad example — point out someone that is having trouble managing their money and how much grief it’s causing them. Just make sure your kids understand the terms of the money you’re giving them. Make sure they realize how much it costs you, and I can’t imagine your child in their right mind accepting money to waste when they know how much you’re sacrificing to give it to them.

Yep, Sarah, you got it. Sorry if my husband and I won’t be able to afford to send our kids to Ivy League schools. But does that mean we shouldn’t have children?! C’mon, get real. We aren’t “refusing” to fund an expensive education- we simply won’t be able to afford it! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with attending a public university or community college. If our kids have loftier aspirations and have the talent, intelligence and enthusiasm to go after them, more power to them. We simply won’t be able to fund it. Sorry. As I said in my previous comment, I see nothing wrong with well-off parents helping their kids through school. However, not all parents are wealthy. Get over it. You mention the scholarships and opportunities private schools offer to students. What if that school is 2,500 miles from the student’s home? Who pays for him/her to travel home for summers and holidays?
On the contrary, I don’t think YOU have the “realistic sense of how much these institutions cost nowadays.” I have faith that our children will be able to get a quality education, if that’s what they desire, and make a good life despite their parents not being supremely wealthy and subsidizing their every desire. The excuses you offer for why young people can’t make it without their parents’ money are utterly ridiculous. First, MILLIONS of people work in college and still manage to do well in school. Second, LOTS of people, including myself in the past, work unpaid and low-paying internships before landing a full-time position, and also work a second job to make ends meet. My point is, as a parent, THE MOST important thing is to guide your child to figure out what’s important to him/her in life, and then teach them to work to acheive it.

I notice that a lot of those who paid their own way said that those who did not “slacked off.” That’s not what I saw at a top tier school, when you only accept 20% of the people that apply, you don’t get slackers becasue Mom and Dad are paying their way.

If I ever have kids someday I will pay for their college minus books and spending money. However, if they were to truely slack I’d pull the money since they obviously don’t fell college is worth their time.

With that I’ve promised my kids tuition, fees, and books at the local community college and two years at a local state university they can commute to (three in our area) so they have the opportunity to earn a bachelor’s degree with minimal debt. Similarly, if they chose another type of education beyond high school (e.g. culinary, trade, etc.) I’ll put the same amount of money towards that as I would towards college. If they want anything else beyond that amount of money they need to find a way to pay for it, be it scholarship, work, loans, whatever.

If they don’t go to any type of education beyond high school, I just got a nice boost to my own retirement or Doctorate. After all, it is my money, not their “inheritance” or “get started money”, as some kids I went to high school with tried to claim when they wanted to “find themselves”.

However, I’m willing to let them stay at home for a couple of years at minimal rent to grow some savings with the goal of moving out around the same time they’d be graduating from college anyway (since I’m essentially allowing them to remain at home while going to college).

In both cases they have a chance to get ahead before leaving on their own, which is a definite expectation. At some point, they need to leave.
Even if they come back on occasion due to hardship, the goal is always to get them to leave. That way, I can move in with them when I’m older, not the other way around :-)

If you get sick, your’re screwed for life without it.

So what will I do with my son? I think it’s important to help, but he should also be paying for some himself. And if he wants to wait a year before starting school, I’ll totally support that. I squandered my resources by being too young to see the big picture about what I wanted to do with my future – and THAT was the biggest problem. Not whether I had it paid for or had to take student loans.

My husband had no help, has racked up tons of school debt, and still cannot manage money. He regularly ends up with huge credit card debt. In fact, thinking of my friends, I know no one who “paid their own way” who is better at managing money that those of us whose tuition was paid. In my experience the opposite is true, probably because people whose parents were savers passed that value on to their children.

Intelligent people should be educated to their full potential, people who do not show intelligence should not waste their time and the time of educators and the other students, unintelligent folks should pick crops and do other manual labors

Not that the military is a bad choice (I hail from a strongly pro-military familiy), but it is a bad choice if chosen for the wrong reasons. I don’t have a close relationship with this young man’s mother and have never understood why she choses not to help her son. But if you have the means to help your child and your child wants to go to college for the right reasons, please help them out wherever you can. It’s asking a lot for an 18 year old to grow up in an instant and suddenly be completely financially independent. And this while spending 20-30 weeks on a “job” (school) that doesn’t pay.

My parents choose to take out some loans in my name and others in theirs. Plus, they put me on a strict allowance. As a result, I learned to budget and appreciate the value of a dollar. But, at the same time, while some of my classmates were off working at the mall I was free to take free or low-paying internships that ended up looking really good on my resume when it was time for that first job search. Almost 20 years later and I am still thankful to them for doing that because I can see how crucial those early experiences were at setting the course for my career.