One thing I didn’t really see addressed was guests. What happens if your SiL gets a boyfriend (or girlfriend, whatever) who starts sleeping over five nights a week? How do you evaluate if that person is someone you want around your kids? Especially if you’ve never met them before they start sleeping over. What about other guests (e.g. a study group or whatever) who don’t know the rules about the kids and do something dangerous/inappropriate?

Guests are just one more issue that should be talked about so your SiL knows what’s expected/appropriate.

1) Earlier this year I got married, and my new husband moved into my condo… but my roommate of 3 years stayed, too. We docked her rent some, and now we’re all saving money. The number one issue was making sure chores were split evenly – but with that taken care of, it’s been just a fantastic arrangement. Americans are pretty unusual in being so averse to living with more than two adults in a house, and while I understand the advantages to our system, we miss out on some great things, too!

2) One thing I’ve been considering for the past year or so is whether it would be feasible to share a home with another couple when we get to child-raising years. Where I live, there are rich neighborhoods with giant houses and good schools, or neighborhoods with condos and apartments and small houses (which I strongly prefer, for personal reasons, out of frugality, and for environmental reasons) but with terrible schools. If we were to buy one of the larger houses but share it with another couple who had the same goals, we could in some ways get the best of both worlds.

My husband likes this idea in the abstract, but is (rightly) very concerned about things like “who would legally own the house, and what would happen when someone wanted to move before other people did…?” I would love to hear if anyone’s done anything like this, and what their experiences were like!

Hope you read ALL your admirers’ comments carefully, Trent! And lissen up.

“Personalities mesh” is a far cry from “we won’t want to kill each other after living together for a few weeks.” If she doesn’t have kids and she doesn’t fully appreciate what “frugal lifestyle” means, you need to talk through all the issues pertaining to child care, child craziness (yup), and child safety so that she will know what to expect in your house and what you expect and need from her. She needs to understand, for example, not to walk off and leave the iron on (!) or her hot curling iron on the bathroom counter (ack!) or to leave a bottle of allergy pills where little hands can find them or to indulge herself in TV programming you don’t want the kids exposed to…and on & on. And you need to understand that as a young adult she needs privacy, autonomy, and at least some quiet time, and that she almost certainly will not do things, day-to-day, the way you do them.

In the money dept, she may not feel comfortable unless she pays at least some token rent. You should discuss this. She certainly should split the utilities with you in a fair proportion, since you ain’t seen utility bills till you add an extra adult user for a month! (Especially if she has long hair that requires shampoo & conditioner a good long rinsing after each in the shower every day; especially if she’s in the habit of leaving the lights on when she walks out of a room; especially if she’s not into wearing a jacket around the house in wintertime.) Ditto food: you’re buying more food than she is because you’re feeding two grown-ups and two kidlets.

After my best friend and her husband came back from three years as charter-boat operators in the Caribbean, they moved in with us for three months, bearing a cute little girl and a curly-haired black cockapoo. It was a difficult time for them, even though they were solvent, because as it develops when you live on a boat you don’t have a driver’s license and you don’t build much of a paper trail and soooo…you don’t have credit and you can’t persuade a landlord to rent to you and you can’t even get a bank to open a checking account for you. They needed time to get local jobs and re-establish themselves as mainland citizens.

My husband made a ton of money and so the extra costs were irrelevant. My friend and I were Killer Cooks, our house had a gigantic kitchen with two separate sinks & prep areas, neither of she nor I had fulltime jobs, and she and I reveled in making wonderful meals. We were all young and good friends at the time, and so for us it was a lark. But, uhm…if I could’ve found a way to kill her dog without being found out, I’d'a dun it.

We were lucky that we all got along well. But lucky or not, you’re well advised to think through and discuss all the eventualities and, since you, Trent, do not appear to rank among the top 3 percent of U.S. earners, as my hubby did, it would really be smart to talk about financial arrangements (maybe put them in writing?) upfront!

The situation worked out very well. She was responsible for cleaning her bedroom, bathroom (also the guest bathroom), and she also cleaned the kitchen every now and then. I think the reason it worked out so well is that she has similar interests and values to the 2 of us. We don’t have kids, but I think it could be even better with kids since they would get to know their aunt better.

I would definitely ask for some amount of payment assuming she is able to afford it.

I charged her more than her “cost” in utilities, but still about half of the lowest rent she could find elsewhere. I think this was perfect because then she wouldn’t feel like she is mooching and you won’t resent any possible annoying behavior because you’ll be making a small amount of money.

I would say go for it, and I wouldn’t worry about a formal lease or a specific end date. I would assume that if you are considering this arrangement, you guys are pretty open with each other, but I would just make sure all parties feel comfortable bringing up any major issues that may arise.

Go for it and good luck! Our situation turned out good all around :)

As a family therapist – I would like to commend you on your willingness to extend your home to your sister-in-law. I agree with all the others that communication is the key. I would recommend that you schedule weekly family meetings so there is set time to talk about differences, conflicts, schedules, money, house rules, child behavior issues, and overall well-being. I would also suggest scheduling some “fun” activity for the meeting as well – such as a yummy breakfast. The point is to have good communication – not a gripe session. There will be differences and conflicts – so work out a process for resolving problems at the beginning.

With some good work up front and regular communication, it should work out for everyone.

Good luck!

My recommendation is to sit down all together and come up with a monetary amound she is to contribute monthly. This will go towards rent, water, electricity, cable, groceries etc. Your family shouldn’t have to pay extra costs out of pocket, but I do admire your willingness not charge rent, etc. Also talk about chores.

But sometimes people feel more invested in a situation and more a part of a unit when they are contributing. Her contributing a small monthly amount could help her and you & your wife all feel balance and harmony.

YOu didn’t mention her age or income, and that’s something to consider too. I understand not charging an adolescent or college aged relative much. But someone in their mid 20’s beyond would be paying way more on their own anyways, and you and your wife are in a position to help her be responsible.

Overall I think it’s great. Life is all about family and being there for one another. It could be great for your kids to have an aunty so close by! I really would charge a small amount though to cover your families extra costs and make sure she is vested in the situation and not taking advantage of you all.

Something else maybe to consider. Is she saving up for something in particular? Maybe while living in your home for a small cost she can save up to buy a place of her own? Sometimes when people have extra money around they are more apt to spend it on wasteful things, having a goal could be helpful.

On the other hand, there should be a written agreement that gives you the right to get her the boot (with enough notice) if things don’t work out.

She should chip for utilities. Knowing you, Trent, I’m sure you know exactly how much you pay, so it should be easy to figure out her increase.

I would suggest a nominal, but not token rent. What’s the going rate for a studio or 1 bedroom in your area? “Then give her a family discount.” So if the rent is $600, you could charge 300, or whatever.

The reason I say this is that you say that you would expect to pay rent in her position. That will inevitably creep in, esp. if it’s the seventh month and she’s starting to be a pain. Plus, if Mrs. Trent is already nervous, at least the money will help on a material level. And I think you get better behavior from someone who has a financial stake in things.

Man, this is long. Sorry. Just had some bad experiences, want you guys to avoid them. Good luck!

It is my experience that it’s when neither side says anything out of politeness and then whatever annoyance there is gets blown so out of proportion, you are left wondering what the heck happened, and then there are bad feelings and some relationships never recover.

Family always comes first, except in those cases of unforgivable familial traumas (abuse, etc.).

Make sure you lay out the rules ahead of time and include an exit strategy at the start too.

Most people can be hard to live with. Unless you all really have just the perfect match of personalities I would really lean the other way on this one.

That being said, I wish you well either way.

When we do move, I am NOT planning on asking her to come with us though… Some alone time with my family will be nice.

Also you don’t need to necessarily call it “rent” money or “utility”, “food” money. Just agree on an amount that you are both happy with. Something that will cover the rise in utilities and food but not change from month to month.

good luck and let us know if she ends up taking your offer.

Also, think about refrigerator/counter/cabinet space. If she’s going to live there for any amount of time, it’ll be a good idea to give everyone some idea of boundaries: is everything truly open to everyone? What if the cheese you had mentally earmarked for burritos gets eaten up on a midnight refrigerator raid?

Labeling is always a plan, or having a dedicated shelf/drawer for food that is either open for any use, or is off limits for some reason.

If it’s going to be her house too, she’ll either need to have her own space to store her things, or she’ll need a way to feel like she really knows what is okay and not okay to touch/use/eat etc.

All that having been said, it can be a great experience and I hope it works really well.

When I lost my job at age 43 for the first time ever, I found a job within 6 weeks in a major metropolitan area that my sister and her husband lived in.
They invited me to stay with them.
Then they apparently had second thoughts, but wouldn’t tell me. So as soon as I arrived, within ten minutes…. they whisked me back out the door to go look for apartments. I had not paid rent or house payments for many years, so the high prices were a shock, coupled with the fact that I didn’t know a soul there but them, had to have a map to get around anywhere in the city, and still had mental shock or PTSD from the downsizing.

Instead of talking directly to me, and TELLING me they had a change of heart, they would get in their car and leave and have private powwows about what should be done about me.

I am not a deadbeat.

I held down a well paid, responsible job for 23 years. I never asked anybody for anything, in all that time. Ever.

They even called my mother and complained about the most assinine things, like my using hairspray in the bathroom created cleaning problems.

Finally, the Lord took me out of there. By a twist of fate, I found a church with a few blocks, and the pastor helped me find a place to live in a private home for $200 a month and no lease. I was out of their house in five weeks, and it was truly a Godsend.

Please, please, whatever you do…. be open and honest with each other. Really weigh it before you act.

I’ve truly forgiven them, but I would be foolish to forget what happened. I could never really trust them again in the same way, and at that time, I really needed very badly to be able to trust someone and lean on them. It wouldn’t have been for long, I’m not made that way.

A big eyeopener, but I guess in hard times you find out who are your true friends. And you may not want to really know.

Why? Because if you decide she should leave and she says no, then you will have no legal standing to “evict” her.

The horror story comes from a coworker, whose mother-in-law came to stay. When m-i-l relapsed into using drugs, they couldn’t kick her out unless she wanted to go!