He cannot be convinced of this, but he is an angerholic. He cannot stay in a calm state for any length of time. He complains about his medical expenses, most of which are due to his constant stress at being angry all the time. He refuses to pay for medical treatment for a problem that could well kill him because he refuses to go any further in debt. (For critical things, no debt, for fluff, more on this later.)

Among his other problems, he has priorities that I cannot figure out. Two years ago, when he had three jobs going and was still not making as much s I am, he bought a new car that I could not have justified, and I have no dependents, he has a wife and two kids. Now for all his complaints about finances, let the car, or his house or property develop an imperfection, and nothing will stand in the way of “fixing” it.

Like pretty much everyone else in this sort of situation, he wants some sort of magic fix that requires no sacrifice on his part. He asks me how I do it, and I tell him, and he doesn’t change a thing. He doesn’t want to hear that he needs to ditch the car with the payments and buy a $300 beater until he is out of trouble. He complains about the electric bill, but suggest putting power strips on all the wall warts and he comes up with the wife and kids could not figure it out or would never turn them off once on. CF lights? “Too f-ing ugly.”

I have an exposed CF over my head right now. Back when I bought it there were no lights small enough for a ceiling fixture with the diffuser in place. I’ll replace it when it dies, however many years that takes. Ugly, maybe, but my electric bill is anemic, and I like it that way.

There comes a point where you just clear the station of people and wait for the crash.

This will free up time for your friend. Tell him you are doing this to give him the time he needs to try and figure things out, find a better job, get off the drugs.

If the children are in danger, then there should be a family intervention or social services involved. Why isn’t the family helping him as a whole? Start talking to them and tell them you are worried and there has to be something they can all do.

If he asks you for money, by all means say no, but don’t say NO. Ask him if there’s a bill you can help him pay or food you can buy for the family. Don’t hand him cash, take him shopping for food or ask him for a copy of the bill.

If your brother qualifies for the military, it may be just what he needs. “Stubborn” or not, he’ll learn to listen. That’s for sure.

The best thing I came across was in this book on parenting:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Great-Dad-Ian-Bruce/dp/0572031343

One section of the book covers being a parent to an adult – and the issues with offering advice and being able to let go. I found it extremely relevant to dealing with family members who have problems.

Oftentimes aid agencies face this kind of difficulty in trying to help clients who are facing these same kinds of problems. The best solution they have found is not giving money to the person, but using their money to pay for something that they hope will produce the desired positive outcome for that person.

In that vein, you could give him a Christmas present that could encourage him to get help. For example you could find some sort of personal finance or self-help class and pay for that for him. Because I agree with the above that he will not read a book, but if he has a free ticket to a class where he would have to listen to good ideas being presented… maybe… ? Well who knows but I would think more down that path…

I don’t think you should say anything about where he is now, or how he can fix his life – just give him a short, loving letter with some fond memories. If I got something like that it would be a treasured keepsake, and I think all of us can benefit by being given simple positive caring thoughts.

I have to say, I wouldn’t send any more money. I know my husband has sent money a few times (3 or 4) to his parents to help pay bills, even though they usually have at least one adult child living with them at any given time (and are, in fact, raising two of their grandchildren). There is no way we would constantly send money, though, even though most of the burden falls on MIL. If it comes down to it, MIL can come and live here with us, but we will not support the siblings who have messed up their own lives. Personally, I think it is very likely that MIL and FIL will end up in some sort of nursing home (they both have health issues), and at that point, I would be willing to help support them. That is something you should consider — an option is to stop providing support now (and maybe MIL will be forced to deal with you BIL sooner rather than later), but be prepared to help her out later after BIL has moved on or she is living in extended care because raising her grandchildren has worn her out and she’s lost her home due to bad finances. Easy for me to say, I know, but if the money your husband sends is just going to BIL anyway, then how is that different from giving the money to BIL directly? Of course, if I were cutting off financial support, I would tell MIL why and I would constantly offer to help her out again once the situation with BIL is resolved. You say there is no choice, but actually, there is. It just isn’t a pleasant one.