If you’re poor, can you be frugal? If you get rich, will you want to change your lifestyle, and if so, how? That latter question has become much more important now that I haven’t been a student for a while. Several items in this list brush on these issues.

I also like to be with a person in a totally different environment, such as on a camping trip, to see what they’re like.

I also like to see what he’s like when he’s sick and what he’s like when I’m sick.

Now 6 years later, that house is another source of income for us and the rent keeps increasing every year. So I guess he made a right choice, I just wish he had told me first.

First, I think sharing money is critical to the success of a good marriage and also feel it further commits the couple to each other making them truly become one. Money problems aren’t caused by sharing money or by separating money to “solve” the problem. Money problems are solved by working together on the finances and communicating. It’s that simple.

One thing that I’ll add that is critical to discuss is religious beliefs, especially if they are different. What church will you attend, what holidays will you celebrate, etc. This becomes even more important when you have children.

My fiance and I have had all of these discussions (and we continue to have them). I don’t want kids – he does – and he wants to marry me anyway. I have repeatedly said that I reserve the right to change my mind (many years from now, when our debt isn’t quite as scary). I just don’t think children are a good idea if you have no emergency fund and a load of debt.

As far as joint vs. individual bank accounts go – I have said before and I will say again – everyone needs to have at least one account in their own name (and one credit card held individually as well). Life is unpredictable, you and you alone are responsible for CYA. Period.

Best Wishes,
D4L

@ Bob – Trent linked to a discussion on whether to combine or not combine finances. One important point though, I would argue that the discussion hinges on two differing definitions of marriage. Different definitions always cause confusion.

@ everyone – There is one very important thing to remember when discussing if “children a possibility.” People often change their minds and generally, the husband or wife decides **they do want kids**, not the other way around. That revelation can cause quite a bit of distress if only one spouse changes his/her mind!

What happens in cases where one spouse earns much more than the other, and the lower-earning spouse is not saving anything for retirement? This is likely to be a rarity, since few couples are in this position – these people rarely marry in the first place – but I’m guessing it’s untenable whenever it exists.

It’s a very romantic idea to “share everything” but money is such a major source of relationship trouble that psychologically, letting each party have their own income, and letting them spend it and manage it as they see fit, might have some real benefits.

My late wife was a real ninja at managing our finances and investments, and I trusted her with everything. She didn’t disappoint; she did a superb job and taught me quite a few tricks. Her investments always beat the markets, too.

But even with that success story, there was friction about things. She loved doing the finances but felt like I should be more involved, yet we had such different styles that she couldn’t stand for me to be involved ;-) Also, she felt like she had to come to me and supplicate for permission to make major expenditures, such as for furniture or fun things for herself. Even though I told her I didn’t feel that was at all necessary, she felt compelled for some reason to do it — and then being the strong independent woman she was, resented it.

If I ever have it to do over again I think it would be useful to at least discuss / explore the option of keeping finances separate. Just talking about it would be a great way to get a feel for how the other party approaches money management.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on
love (alone).Though this may sound not politically
correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love (alone)
is not the basis for getting married. Rather,love is
the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let
me say it again : You can’t build a lifetime
relationship on love alone. You need a lot more.

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if
you’re serious about finding and keeping a life
partner.

QUESTION #1 : Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important?

QUESTION #2 : Do I feel safe expressing my feelings
and thoughts with this person?

QUESTION #3 : Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions
Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?

QUESTION #4 : How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any
relationship work is the ability to give. By giving,
we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask : Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to
others or are they wrapped up themselves and
self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the
following :
1) How do they treat people whom they do not have
to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi
driver etc?
2) How do they treat parents and siblings?
3) Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
4) Do they show respect?

QUESTION #5 : Is there anything I’m hoping to change
about this person after we’re married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
with the intention of trying to “improve” them after
they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it,
“You can probably expect someone to change after
marriage… for the worse!” If you cannot fully
accept this person the way they are now, then you
are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult
and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little
more with your head and less with your heart. It
pays to be as objective as possible when you are
dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help
you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a
great feeling but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in
trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

i obviously will not be having babies anytime soon. :)