Comments on: The Over-Gifting Relative http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/ Simple, applicable personal finance advice for the modern world Fri, 10 Feb 2012 03:55:09 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Sally http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-274937 Sally Mon, 12 May 2008 19:30:09 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-274937 Ok - my two cents - 5 months later than the post. I agree that you and your wife are handling it the only way you know how. However, I feel that people with your grandmother's condition are "selfish" That is correct. Selfish. People need to take care of themselves before they "take care" of others. It is the height of irresponsibility to shower others with gifts and not be able to handle the basics in life. Again, just my two cents. Ok – my two cents – 5 months later than the post. I agree that you and your wife are handling it the only way you know how. However, I feel that people with your grandmother’s condition are “selfish” That is correct. Selfish. People need to take care of themselves before they “take care” of others. It is the height of irresponsibility to shower others with gifts and not be able to handle the basics in life. Again, just my two cents.

]]> By: Mikey http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-139481 Mikey Sun, 23 Dec 2007 21:10:49 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-139481 Let Grandma give her gifts as she obviously derives great pleasure from her efforts. Enjoy the gifts with the love they bring, she won't be around forever. I wish my gparents were still alive. You are lucky. A couple of times a year buy her a month's worth of groceries in canned goods, meats that can make 3 or 4 meals(hams, etc). If she questions the food say there was a great special on and you bought more than you have room for. Another reason would be my wife and I got crossed up on who was doing the shopping and we doubled up on everything. Finally, tell her you love her and wanted to make sure she had what she needed. She won't mind any of those scenarios. Merry Christmas! Let Grandma give her gifts as she obviously derives great pleasure from her efforts. Enjoy the gifts with the love they bring, she won’t be around forever. I wish my gparents were still alive. You are lucky.

A couple of times a year buy her a month’s worth of groceries in canned goods, meats that can make 3 or 4 meals(hams, etc). If she questions the food say there was a great special on and you bought more than you have room for. Another reason would be my wife and I got crossed up on who was doing the shopping and we doubled up on everything. Finally, tell her you love her and wanted to make sure she had what she needed. She won’t mind any of those scenarios. Merry Christmas!

]]> By: Randall http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-139352 Randall Sun, 23 Dec 2007 16:07:45 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-139352 I used to have 'another' mother that was exactly like this too. Very generous to everyone on Christmas. She almost 'lived' for Christmas, squirreling away presents throughout the year to give out. Christmas for her started the day after Halloween and didn't end until mid Feb. I don't think she thought it's extravagant, she thought it was worth every penny she spent to bring happiness into her loved-ones lives. It was just a different priority. King Osric: There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father's love for his child. (from Conan the Barbarian) I/we just appreciated it, and made sure we supported her (both personally and financially) throughout the year as needed. I miss her still, especially around Christmas. I used to have ‘another’ mother that was exactly like this too. Very generous to everyone on Christmas. She almost ‘lived’ for Christmas, squirreling away presents throughout the year to give out. Christmas for her started the day after Halloween and didn’t end until mid Feb.

I don’t think she thought it’s extravagant, she thought it was worth every penny she spent to bring happiness into her loved-ones lives. It was just a different priority.

King Osric: There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father’s love for his child.
(from Conan the Barbarian)

I/we just appreciated it, and made sure we supported her (both personally and financially) throughout the year as needed. I miss her still, especially around Christmas.

]]> By: Lisa http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-139264 Lisa Sun, 23 Dec 2007 13:49:43 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-139264 Trent, Great approach to this loving and generous grannie! I hope you will make sure that no one steps in and takes anything from her as she gets older and older. Generous elderly folks can easily be duped and with people coming in to take care of her son the fact that she is vulnerable becomes common knowledge. (This is not to say that the care-givers are less than trustworthy themselves, but their coming and going make it obvious to the outside world that there is a vulnerable situation.) Trent, Great approach to this loving and generous grannie! I hope you will make sure that no one steps in and takes anything from her as she gets older and older. Generous elderly folks can easily be duped and with people coming in to take care of her son the fact that she is vulnerable becomes common knowledge. (This is not to say that the care-givers are less than trustworthy themselves, but their coming and going make it obvious to the outside world that there is a vulnerable situation.)

]]> By: Sharon Campbell http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138713 Sharon Campbell Sat, 22 Dec 2007 23:07:31 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138713 Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is to graciously receive one. The previous posters have a lot of wisdom. What a special lady! Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is to graciously receive one. The previous posters have a lot of wisdom. What a special lady!

]]> By: Sarah http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138704 Sarah Sat, 22 Dec 2007 22:57:25 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138704 I think your approach is correct, Trent, but let me echo the people above who said you shouldn't wait for her to ask for financial help--she might well not. Just bring her necessities when you visit; it will seem most natural that way. I think your approach is correct, Trent, but let me echo the people above who said you shouldn’t wait for her to ask for financial help–she might well not. Just bring her necessities when you visit; it will seem most natural that way.

]]> By: Tall Bill http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138620 Tall Bill Sat, 22 Dec 2007 21:02:05 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138620 WOW, This sounds like my sister, who used to "Feed the Dolphins" and now spoils her nieces and nephews with extravagant gifts to impress them - far exceeding all other, yet, she is the lowest income earner. It's sad & the only reciprocating way has been to help with chores, etc for her. As family, we have learned that we're too close to effect change. WOW, This sounds like my sister, who used to “Feed the Dolphins” and now spoils her nieces and nephews with extravagant gifts to impress them – far exceeding all other, yet, she is the lowest income earner. It’s sad & the only reciprocating way has been to help with chores, etc for her. As family, we have learned that we’re too close to effect change.

]]> By: renee http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138555 renee Sat, 22 Dec 2007 19:30:04 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138555 speaking as a Grandma - until you're a Grandparent you cannot know the deep, deep love for your Grandchildren. To know that we have given you a truly meaningful gift, well, it makes our heart swell in ways a non-Grandparent would never understand. Love her with all you've got - she'll be gone way too soon. speaking as a Grandma – until you’re a Grandparent you cannot know the deep, deep love for your Grandchildren. To know that we have given you a truly meaningful gift, well, it makes our heart swell in ways a non-Grandparent would never understand. Love her with all you’ve got – she’ll be gone way too soon.

]]> By: red http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138524 red Sat, 22 Dec 2007 18:43:19 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138524 My solution would be to send a couple $50s in an envelope from a "Secret Santa" because I am financially secure. That would be the only way I could accept the gifts with grace. My solution would be to send a couple $50s in an envelope from a “Secret Santa” because I am financially secure. That would be the only way I could accept the gifts with grace.

]]> By: julie http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138510 julie Sat, 22 Dec 2007 18:21:57 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138510 Dear Trent, What a wonderful women. As the parent of handicapped child giving some time with your cousin, take him somewhere where he will enjoy himself and she has time for things she needs to do is a wonderful gift, an afternoon at a hairdressers or a spa she would not do by herself with our wife comes to mind. Dear Trent,
What a wonderful women. As the parent of handicapped child giving some time with your cousin, take him somewhere where he will enjoy himself and she has time for things she needs to do is a wonderful gift, an afternoon at a hairdressers or a spa she would not do by herself with our wife comes to mind.

]]> By: Carol http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138412 Carol Sat, 22 Dec 2007 16:05:46 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138412 The reply from debtheaven was spot on. Another way to "help" her throughout the year would be to call her utility companies and have one or more of her bills sent to you to pay for a year. People who live alone and/or take care of someone else need your time more than anything. It is a lonely time and more visits and phone calls help so much. Older people also enjoy recieving mail. A cheap and happy way to let them know they are valued, you can pick up cards at thrift stores, and card outlets for very little. Buy a variety of stamps, believe it or not they ARE seen and talked about. The reply from debtheaven was spot on.
Another way to “help” her throughout the year would be to call her utility companies and have one or more of her bills sent to you to pay for a year.
People who live alone and/or take care of someone else need your time more than anything. It is a lonely time and more visits and phone calls help so much. Older people also enjoy recieving mail. A cheap and happy way to let them know they are valued, you can pick up cards at thrift stores, and card outlets for very little. Buy a variety of stamps, believe it or not they ARE seen and talked about.

]]> By: rhbee http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138378 rhbee Sat, 22 Dec 2007 15:25:59 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138378 From the other side of the coin: I am, and always have been, someone who takes great joy in gift giving. I don't show much emotion in my normal relationships and I mostly lead a very private existence but I love to find the right thing for the people I care about. Unfortunately, I rarely get any feedback as to how the gift has been received, probably because of my own need for privacy. But this is the one aspect of the process that wears me down to the point where I begin to question my own motives for the giving. Still, it is way better to give than, . . ., so they say. From the other side of the coin: I am, and always have been, someone who takes great joy in gift giving. I don’t show much emotion in my normal relationships and I mostly lead a very private existence but I love to find the right thing for the people I care about. Unfortunately, I rarely get any feedback as to how the gift has been received, probably because of my own need for privacy. But this is the one aspect of the process that wears me down to the point where I begin to question my own motives for the giving. Still, it is way better to give than, . . ., so they say.

]]> By: Dividends4Life http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138355 Dividends4Life Sat, 22 Dec 2007 14:40:49 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138355 Grandparents are special people! I am amazed when I look at the relationship of my parents with my children. To see the patience my father exhibits as my son pounds a drum or blows a horn. Now this is the same man who took me down several notches for walking too loudly on the carpet. :) The passage of time and grandchildren, are certainly powerful agents of change. Best Wishes, D4L Grandparents are special people! I am amazed when I look at the relationship of my parents with my children. To see the patience my father exhibits as my son pounds a drum or blows a horn. Now this is the same man who took me down several notches for walking too loudly on the carpet. :)

The passage of time and grandchildren, are certainly powerful agents of change.

Best Wishes,
D4L

]]> By: Sunshine http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138339 Sunshine Sat, 22 Dec 2007 14:23:06 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138339 My partner and I are in a similar situation and we choose to handle it the same way as you do. Her adopted mom is generous throughout the year and there is no swaying her, so we spend time with her and treat her to outings as often as we can. My mother, on the other hand, has not chosen to act the same way and it's slowly driving a wedge between them. I keep telling her that her principles will get her nowhere in this situation, but she insists. It's really very unfortunate. I think you have handled it the best way possible. My partner and I are in a similar situation and we choose to handle it the same way as you do. Her adopted mom is generous throughout the year and there is no swaying her, so we spend time with her and treat her to outings as often as we can. My mother, on the other hand, has not chosen to act the same way and it’s slowly driving a wedge between them. I keep telling her that her principles will get her nowhere in this situation, but she insists. It’s really very unfortunate.

I think you have handled it the best way possible.

]]> By: Chuck http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138324 Chuck Sat, 22 Dec 2007 13:45:05 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138324 Hello Trent, reading your article this morning brought forth a huge emotional swelling in my chest and while I wanted to jump into the comments right away I thought it best that I reply after the ebbing. Having been around this planet for eight decades I have learned one immutable truth and that is that we are all made of the same material concerning life. We all in some fashion feather our nest as best we can, raise our offspring as best we can and as we begin to age realize that it is far better to give back to life than to take from it. This I find manifests itself in many ways and I think this is a gift that is given to all of us and it is pretty much up to us how we let it come forth. Your grandmother in indeed a GRAND mother and it sound to me like she has a good deal of wisdom to guide her. My advice to you would be to accept her as she is, assist when she allows you to and give her an out pouring of love that will last her into her next lift. Don’t try to force your values on her or as you said get into a gifting war. Be a support team member for her, it’s important. Hello Trent, reading your article this morning brought forth a huge emotional swelling in my chest and while I wanted to jump into the comments right away I thought it best that I reply after the ebbing. Having been around this planet for eight decades I have learned one immutable truth and that is that we are all made of the same material concerning life. We all in some fashion feather our nest as best we can, raise our offspring as best we can and as we begin to age realize that it is far better to give back to life than to take from it. This I find manifests itself in many ways and I think this is a gift that is given to all of us and it is pretty much up to us how we let it come forth. Your grandmother in indeed a GRAND mother and it sound to me like she has a good deal of wisdom to guide her. My advice to you would be to accept her as she is, assist when she allows you to and give her an out pouring of love that will last her into her next lift. Don’t try to force your values on her or as you said get into a gifting war. Be a support team member for her, it’s important.

]]> By: Ellie http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138318 Ellie Sat, 22 Dec 2007 13:30:27 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138318 Please send her oil, gas company or electric company payment for her next month. You wouldn't want any of these shut off this cold winter. Please send her oil, gas company or electric company payment for her next month. You wouldn’t want any of these shut off this cold winter.

]]> By: Sarah http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138299 Sarah Sat, 22 Dec 2007 13:09:08 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138299 My husband and I have been in this position for the last decade from both his parents and his grandmother. Unfortunately Anna hit the nail on the head - their understanding of our personalities is low. Some gifts, like some antique vases whose mark I recognized on sight, I sold, and fed back sizeable checks to his grandmother for her birthday. I heard later that these checks were very welcome for medical bills. That sort of news makes us really angry when we discover that Gma has been watching late night National Mint commercials and now everyone has useless, worthless fancy commemorative coins in their stockings. Although I agree with the commenters above, that there are personalities whose joy at Christmas comes from giving - they may with age lose grasp of their real priorities. One of DH's brothers routinely pads Gma's bank account without her permission, so that she can afford her medicines. We say, every single time we talk to her on the phone, that talking with her is gift enough, and DO NOT send us anything. The message has slowly been sinking in - but so has her financial situation, and her daughter (my inlaws) is now coming to the same place in life, having 'enjoyed' most of her retirement savings. I blame our materialistic society, and cannot keep silent with our loved ones. To 'love' means also to shoulder burdens for, not merely keep from offending. My husband and I have been in this position for the last decade from both his parents and his grandmother. Unfortunately Anna hit the nail on the head – their understanding of our personalities is low. Some gifts, like some antique vases whose mark I recognized on sight, I sold, and fed back sizeable checks to his grandmother for her birthday. I heard later that these checks were very welcome for medical bills. That sort of news makes us really angry when we discover that Gma has been watching late night National Mint commercials and now everyone has useless, worthless fancy commemorative coins in their stockings.

Although I agree with the commenters above, that there are personalities whose joy at Christmas comes from giving – they may with age lose grasp of their real priorities. One of DH’s brothers routinely pads Gma’s bank account without her permission, so that she can afford her medicines. We say, every single time we talk to her on the phone, that talking with her is gift enough, and DO NOT send us anything. The message has slowly been sinking in – but so has her financial situation, and her daughter (my inlaws) is now coming to the same place in life, having ‘enjoyed’ most of her retirement savings. I blame our materialistic society, and cannot keep silent with our loved ones. To ‘love’ means also to shoulder burdens for, not merely keep from offending.

]]> By: Cheryl http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138286 Cheryl Sat, 22 Dec 2007 12:56:57 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138286 I love all of your ideas. I have a large family and used to buy for all of them. After joining this website and other financial forums things have changed. Now we draw names. Or we make homemade gifts. I think you and your wife handle it perfectly by helping her the rest of the year. I love all of your ideas. I have a large family and used to buy for all of them. After joining this website and other financial forums things have changed. Now we draw names. Or we make homemade gifts.
I think you and your wife handle it perfectly by helping her the rest of the year.

]]> By: JMom http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-138277 JMom Sat, 22 Dec 2007 12:51:58 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-138277 I like your strategy. I do agree that she probably takes great pleasure in being able to do this for you. I am sure that in her way she is giving back for what you do for her all year. So it is a great circle. Most elder people I know (and I'm getting to that point myself) do not really need anymore material things. Your time and attention means more than anything you can give in a box. I like your strategy. I do agree that she probably takes great pleasure in being able to do this for you.

I am sure that in her way she is giving back for what you do for her all year. So it is a great circle. Most elder people I know (and I’m getting to that point myself) do not really need anymore material things. Your time and attention means more than anything you can give in a box.

]]> By: Elizabeth http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/comment-page-1/#comment-137908 Elizabeth Sat, 22 Dec 2007 03:53:48 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/12/21/the-over-gifting-relative/#comment-137908 My grandmother was thrilled when I told her what I wanted from her this year for Christmas was family pictures -- they are relatively inexpensive to reproduce and they mean a lot to both of us. I wonder if you could drop hints that you'd be interested in something like that -- or her written/recorded stories of growing up, memories of the family, etc. My grandmother was thrilled when I told her what I wanted from her this year for Christmas was family pictures — they are relatively inexpensive to reproduce and they mean a lot to both of us. I wonder if you could drop hints that you’d be interested in something like that — or her written/recorded stories of growing up, memories of the family, etc.

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