Now, what did get me a boyfriend was an online dating site . . . but I went with a free one. We met at okcupid.com and have been dating 7 months now. Interestingly, he’d looked at several dating sites but went for OKC because it was free. This is exactly the ethos I appreciate in him and why OKC was a great and easy place for us to meet. We sent exactly one message back and forth (he messaged me, and I was so impressed with the message that I sent my phone number), we went hiking, and our future prospects look great.

But, bear in mind, I’d spent over a year unsuccessfully dating from this site. I did gain a number of good friends, so I call it good experience, but it was not immediate. I’m so glad the site is free, as it allowed me to pursue meeting people casually while also giving me time to enjoy hobbies and activities that helped widen my circle of friends.

“Second, if you’re uncomfortable, it’s not going to work. He used to sometimes go to bars to look for women, but the whole situation made him very uncomfortable and thus made it basically impossible to meet anyone. He simply didn’t feel that he had much in common with the people there, drinking themselves into oblivion and searching in desperation. Perhaps his view on things was skewed, but if the situation makes you uncomfortable, it’s going to be almost impossible to find someone there. Instead, practice extending your comfort zone a little bit on your own. Engage in some personally fulfilling activities that might be a bit different than what you’re used to, but don’t dive off the deep end.

Finally, don’t send off an inaccurate vibe. Sure, keep yourself clean and wear decent clothes, but when you start wearing clothes that you don’t like simply because they’ll attract someone, you’re sending off the wrong vibe. Similarly, don’t start working at a volunteer place just to impress someone – it won’t work out over the long run.

Because of this, and the realization that maybe he was spending his time in the wrong way and definitely putting too much money into it, he changed his approach and it seems to be paying off.

He stopped all activities he was involved in solely for meeting someone. He ceased wearing his “going out” clothes. He stopped going out to bars or clubs. He logged off of eHarmony (it hadn’t found him anyone, anyway). Instead, he decided to devote his time and resources to things that left him more fulfilled and complete.”

The bits between the quotes, I can sort of respect but if you just do what you love (which can be sitting at home, vegetating, playing World of Warcraft) and don’t say, occassionally greet people you meet on the way to work, which doesn’t cost money, you can end up injust as bad a position. While I’m not great at frugal, I do know what I’m talking about here.

As to these other comments about money.. yes, a man having money is like a girl being pretty (remember that line from “Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend”?), but that is just on the surface. That initial level of attractiveness/interest can be overcome if you don’t have it, or capitalized on if you do have it, doing something you enjoy for yourself and sharing it with a group of people who also enjoy it. Being in a social setting where the only required topic is one you enjoy can make you behave at your best. This can open many social doors, and I’ve seen it happen over and over so I’m not just talking into my hat.

I wish the friend in the article much happiness, as I do the commentators in this thread. I know it can come to you!

my friend spent thousands of dollars on cross country visits, long distance phone calls and match.com fees after she found the man of her dreams. unfortunately he lived in another country but she loved the region’s history and culture and was ready to move out there for awhile before sponsoring they got married and he got his citizenship. he couldn’t get the papers for citizenship, it’s kind of complicated so they called off the wedding and all the other celebrations.

but the founder of friendster, social networking site said awhile ago the best way it can happen is when you’re not looking.

don’t try to force yourself to meet the opposite at places you’re not comfortable. bars are bad places to meet initially. a lot of my friends have found their SO or husbands via a class or from going to a friend’s party and everyone’s been pretty happy. love can hit you unexpectedly so don’t try so hard.

The Internet is not an evil place for dating; it’s the quality of the people using it that makes or breaks it!
Oh and just because you have someone now doesn’t mean you will have them forever…make sure you do things that help you grwo as an individual. While I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, sadly it does happen.
I am almost at a year out-and I have no idea how I will ever date again, but I don’t want to be alone for the next 40 years either!
I am sure I will use the internet as well as real life when I feel like I want to do this again.

I think frugality can enter the equation much easier when you’re at the “exclusive dating” stage and no longer have to worry about limiting your social contacts.

But people in this thread say some good things. I would only offer that I have been tripped up in relationships with women because my career path is financially limited (though I’m good with money), and that online dating is like the Passive Income Generator of love. You tend it once a week, and if you get nothing, no big deal. I actually prefer it when people break contact, because it’s more efficient and I can move on (though I like at least to say I’m not feeling it). I’ve done Match, OKCupid, and EHarmony. Don’t like EHarmony– feels like too much pressure on serious relationships FAST.

Also, over 30 & single is no big deal, esp. in bigger cities. The first post makes it sound like this guy’s in the cancer ward.

OK, first off I have to say that a few years ago I moved to a new city and wanted to find people to share some hobbies with (mostly outdoor stuff) and I really didn’t like the fact that a large number of the people seemed to be looking for a mate. . .I found it a turnoff because it was really obvious and well also because it was a lot of old men. . .

That being said, after about 2 years of being in my city and not meeting enough eligible(and interesting) women I tried online dating. . .with mixed success. . .

This is going to sound bad, but at this stage, I’ve decided that I need to move to a ‘better’ city for quality of life issues including meeting people. . . I was recently in Portland, OR and was blown away with the number of young people walking down the street compared to where I live.

My husband has been unemployed for the last 2 years and doing handyman type of work during that time. I earn enough to support the two of us. I know my earning potential is going to be much higher in the near future. Like I told him many times, it is not about how much you make, just show me that you are not lazy. But when things are slow and he is home, I do not do any housework, cooking, or cleaning. But when he has big projects and is busy, then I pitch in to help.

I heard Lucille Ball make this connection once. She said in an interview during her later years (and I’m paraphrasing, of course) that Desi Arnaz was at heart a loser–not because he couldn’t make a lot of money or attract a lot of women, but because he could never be happy with anything he had. He always ended up losing everything.

I’ve always remembered that as a good lesson.

Thanks to all for a great post and an interesting discussion.

On the other hand – if this new plan doesn’t work he should consider taking up new hobbies as a way of meeting new people. Sure there is a little more expense, but the activity is usually rewarding and you meet a lot of new people. More importantly, the people you meet are often “better” in that they are actively engaged in life and lead more interesting lives.

I’ve “used” ice skating lessons, frisbee golf, “ultimate” frisbee, archery, sand volleyball, and kite flying for this purpose, as well as numerous college classes I didn’t need and “non-credit” classes (arts, crafts, languages, etc), back when I was single.

One benefit to meeting new people through participation in new activities is that it decreases the “relationship risk” (as clevelis mentions above) involved. i.e. if it ends badly you don’t have to give up your favorite hobby, change careers, move to a new town, or find all new friends. :-)

Finally, as a last resort, he could buy a dog or borrow a kid. I had to start wearing a wedding ring to be able to go out in public with my dogs or kids and avoid uncomfortable situations (i.e. “dad was talking to some girl who didn’t have a shirt on” (in my defense, she was jogging in a sports bra, and stopped to pet my dog)). :-)

I have had the experience of a man considering that he had “dated” me simply because he sat next to me at a series of social functions. This has never ceased to amaze me even though it has happened several times. One gentleman of longstanding acquaintance simply started showing up at my door at random intervals for several months. This ceased as mysteriously and suddenly as it started. How do I know these were dating situations? When mutual friends ask me why we broke up! Hilarious, I must say.

Lauren, I have to agree with you. I’ve almost completed my masters degree and will start medical school after that. The Man of My Dream is the one who will pursue my heart. His finances and education are not that big of a deal. Besides, there are a lot of educated people w/ no ambition or creativity; they just seek after what everyone else has, which is really unattractive. And the whole trying to hard thing is down right gross!

Too many people are single because of fear to take the relationship risk. We would rather be discontented in a familiar hell than venture into the unknown. For example, Minimum Wage, my guess is that you’re partly playing the devil’s advocate and partly expressing some true hurt. All risk come with consequences–some good, some not so good. Take the risk!

I’m drawing closer to 30 and I’m still single. My Prince Charming will be a man of great character who I can grow old with. Our paths will cross in due time.

@ MinimumWage: move to a college town. There are tons of well-eductated, under-employed people in cities that revolve around a university. The barista that made my coffee this morning has a PhD in library science.

One other note, I had a friend who was very into hiking and a member of the hiking club, a few people in the group encouraged him to join the ski club, even though he was not really into skiing. He did it, and met the woman he married. So, your friend might want to ocassionally try an activity that is related to bicycling, but not exactly that.