This is absolutely true. Seen it here and other places on and off the net. It is sad that people can’t just accept that they are free to do as they like.

Parents, people can live happy and fulfilled lives without children. Don’t harass them about their choices. Do you really want to pressure someone into having children when they don’t want them? How sad!

Childfree people, parents are not trying to pressure you to have kids when they have fun with their’s (yes, seriously overheard this argument when I was walking the dog the other day). There is no need to be snarky towards parents (I hate the generic term “breeders”, it is incredibly disrespectful) just because they made the choice to have children.

Let’s all just be respectful of each other’s decisions, whatever they may be. :)

For the record, I badly, badly want children. My husband and I are both constantly talking about having kids, we both have “baby fever”. Unfortunately, now is not a good time for us to start a family. Not when we are both in college. No, we have a few more years yet of burning with the fever before we can start having kids. Dang. :P

At 30 I chose marriage. Shortly thereafter I chose kids. Both make life sweeter, fuller and more meaningful. Both require compromise, coordination and sacrifice. Both have a nice return on investment.

Those with stress and misery “because of” family, might have stress and misery all on thier own.

When I go back into the work force, I won’t be able to command as much money up front and will be making much less than I would have if I had stayed in the work force. That has to count for something.

Still, we thought it was worth it for me to stay home and give them the attention and time they needed.

I agree with Trent’s position. Do not have children if you are not totally committed. Forget being ready, you’ll never really be “ready” but you do need to be committed and responsible.

Of course, that’s not how it usually happens…. But that’s another issue.

It’s truly a case of different strokes for different folks. Ya gotta do what’s right for YOU!

Don’t let ANYONE tell you how to live your life, because the person who has to live with the consequences of the decision should be the one making the decision.

I would never be presumptious enough to tell ANYONE to have or not to have children.

Jerry Steinberg
Founding Non-Father of NO KIDDING!
The international social club for childless and childfree couples and singles
http://www.nokidding.net; info@nokidding.net

I would love to quote you in my book, to get a parent’s advise. Kudos to you for this well-balanced article! My web site is: http://www.kidfreeandlovinit.com

Questions like these–how would you like it if your parents had decided not to have you, or had chosen to abort, etc. etc.–always makes me laugh. It’s such a non-argument. Why don’t we sit around wondering how we’d feel if the earth had never been created? If we’d never evolved into humans?

Paula, it only sounds defensive if you are.

The concept of “childhood” as something that should be a separate place from adulthood and a “child” as someone who should be considered anything other than a little adult is a relatively recent societal concept. It rose to popularity in the 19th century, I believe. And even then, it was only certain children, i.e., not the ones who were expendable as factory laborers.

Have kids or don’t. Frankly, I don’t understand how it is the business of anyone but my husband and me, and whatever decision we make, there will be those who are for and against. There is no question that children are a huge commitment. It’s a questions of whether you wish to take on that commitment or not – simple as that. Either way, it is a choice that you are making, and as such, an outgrowth of your desires and beliefs, making it selfish. But people are inherently selfish anyway – how many people do you know who routinely do things that they do not find enjoyable?

Yes there are a lot benefits and drawbacks but it’s not one size fits all in any way. You have to want it in your heart and not just because ‘everyone else is doing it’. Because when it’s you that has to get up in the night with a sick kid or have to cancel last minute because your babysitter doesn’t show — ‘everyone else’ is not going to back you up. It’s all on you.

Re costs — yeah, it’s expensive but like anything you work it into your budget and you make due. They start out small and don’t need much in the beginning. You kind of grow into the whole thing. Like anythihng, it’s a process and a changing entity…

I think the important thing here is that it’s a huge decision and you shouldn’t just blindly do what everyone else is doing, but you should carefully consider what’s right for you. That seems pretty obvious, yet people still feel pressured to have kids.

Why do threads have to devolve into these sorts of attacks?

Trent, keep up the good work.

Um…so I should bring a child into the world to teach MYSELF how to be unselfish?? Something strikes me as really cockeyed about that concept. “I want to be unselfish, therefore YOU have to live with me while you’re totally at my mercy in order that I can learn this.” Eesh. Having a kid for that reason sounds like a bad idea to me.

As other posters have pointed out, there is often a difference between actually being financially able to support a family, and *feeling* that you are able to support your family in the style to which you feel they are entitled.

Ultimately, if you have kids, you will find that what they want MOST of all is not the latest pair of sneakers, not an iPod, not even a paid-for college education – it’s you. That’s it. The more time you can give to your children, the happier they will be. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you have to spend long hours at work so as to earn more money so as to buy a bigger, better house for your family. What matters most to them is spending time doing things with you.

Too often I see people trying to find a significant other BEFORE they have even evaluated whether they want children. I was once one of those. Fence sitters, don’t let this be the elephant in the living room. Have that conversation…

My mother has a great temperament for parenting — very consistent, very routine-oriented, very much a homebody. All the things I am, by nature, not.

I knew this early. When I was 5 years old I told her I would not be a mother when I grew up. That was 30+ years ago.

I think my parents should have stopped at 2 kids. They had many more than two, however. They did not “do the math,” and my siblings were (and are) mostly VERY unhappy, anxious and barely existing. Money stress can be very toxic. It’s not just about not having “new toys.” Constant anxiety and worry and money fights, no money for basic medical care, etc. Some people can be poor and happy, but that was not our experience. I was so thrilled to move out on my own.

By the way, I was fourth born, so yes, I think they should NOT have had me. My soul either would have gone to some other body, or none at all. Either way, I believe I would not know the difference.

Nobody seems to worry much about that 10th or 13th child of theirs that they choose not to have. That’s what I would have been, the “un.”