Comments on: The Costs of Having Children

By: Jerry Steinberg

Jerry Steinberg — Thu, 01 May 2008 07:02:25 +0000

I think it’s wonderful that someone with kids can be honest with others and show some of the pitfalls of parenthood.

It’s truly a case of different strokes for different folks. Ya gotta do what’s right for YOU!

Don’t let ANYONE tell you how to live your life, because the person who has to live with the consequences of the decision should be the one making the decision.

I would never be presumptious enough to tell ANYONE to have or not to have children.

Jerry Steinberg
Founding Non-Father of NO KIDDING!
The international social club for childless and childfree couples and singles
http://www.nokidding.net; info@nokidding.net

By: Kidfree Kaye

Kidfree Kaye — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 00:40:17 +0000

I am currently writing a book called “Kidfree & Lovin’ It” for those who-either by choice or by circumstance-do not have kids. The points that you make in here are excellent, and I find it refreshing that a PARENT, instead of a childfree, has written this insightful article about the difficulties of being a parent.

I would love to quote you in my book, to get a parent’s advise. Kudos to you for this well-balanced article! My web site is: http://www.kidfreeandlovinit.com

By: Carla

Carla — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 20:13:14 +0000

“To those who are choosing to remain non-parents, what do you think about your own parents choice?”

Questions like these–how would you like it if your parents had decided not to have you, or had chosen to abort, etc. etc.–always makes me laugh. It’s such a non-argument. Why don’t we sit around wondering how we’d feel if the earth had never been created? If we’d never evolved into humans?

By: Carla

Carla — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 20:06:37 +0000

“Choosing to be “childfree” (a rather defensive way to say it isn’t it?) is definately a viable way to live.”

Paula, it only sounds defensive if you are.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 18:22:51 +0000

There is a lot of pressure to have kids and it often hits when you least expect it. I was nearly accosted by a single mother at a Christmas party once when I said my husband and I didn’t want kids. It sometimes feels like it’s the worst from people who found out too late having kids could involve choice. No Kidding! is a fun support group where you can laugh off the “selfish” comments with other childless singles and couples: http://www.nokidding.net

By: Lesley

Lesley — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 23:54:01 +0000

Hi —
A little about costs.
I have been thinking very hard, and can’t think of a real cost to my son (almost 3) besides diapers and wipes. I think $20/month for wipes, $40/month for diapers.
All his clothes have been hand-me-downs or gifts this year, except 2 pairs of shorts $3.50/each when he lost weight and went down a size. Also Spider-man pajamas for $13.50 (impulse buy).
There are no “airplane” vacations in our future, but maybe when he is older it will seem like a good idea.
For food — I have made a switch toward beans, and making frozen soup. It is healthier, and simple to prepare.
For daycare — when he was between 1 and 2, I did need about 8 hours/week sanity-saving childcare… now he is able to play at the park while I read, or amuse himself while I do something I like, for adequate amounts of time.
We are a one-income family… I do know many people with financial problems… my advice: you don’t need a minivan for 2 kids unless you can REALLY afford it. It causes so much heartache, lots of bickering and Moms who can’t afford the smallest treat. I think no car payment is what keeps us ahead.

By: SwingCheese

SwingCheese — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 23:34:21 +0000

Re: not valuing children enough in our society.

The concept of “childhood” as something that should be a separate place from adulthood and a “child” as someone who should be considered anything other than a little adult is a relatively recent societal concept. It rose to popularity in the 19th century, I believe. And even then, it was only certain children, i.e., not the ones who were expendable as factory laborers.

Have kids or don’t. Frankly, I don’t understand how it is the business of anyone but my husband and me, and whatever decision we make, there will be those who are for and against. There is no question that children are a huge commitment. It’s a questions of whether you wish to take on that commitment or not – simple as that. Either way, it is a choice that you are making, and as such, an outgrowth of your desires and beliefs, making it selfish. But people are inherently selfish anyway – how many people do you know who routinely do things that they do not find enjoyable?

By: susan

susan — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 21:24:03 +0000

Wow — lots to say. I always tell my friends who are considering having kids there there is no logical reason to have kids. period. you cannot make a logical argument to support this huge change/responsibilitiy that you’ll have for the rest of your life.

Yes there are a lot benefits and drawbacks but it’s not one size fits all in any way. You have to want it in your heart and not just because ‘everyone else is doing it’. Because when it’s you that has to get up in the night with a sick kid or have to cancel last minute because your babysitter doesn’t show — ‘everyone else’ is not going to back you up. It’s all on you.

Re costs — yeah, it’s expensive but like anything you work it into your budget and you make due. They start out small and don’t need much in the beginning. You kind of grow into the whole thing. Like anythihng, it’s a process and a changing entity…

By: Sandy

Sandy — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 18:35:35 +0000

This is a free country…everyone should do exactly as he or she wishes…
For my DH and I, when we were in our 20s and travelling a whole bunch and eating out at nice restaurants, and planning vacations as soon as the last one was over…after about 5 years of that, I got kinda bored….one place started to look like another, and dinners out lost their appeal. We were 31 and I thought to myself…well, I’ve learned alot from al the places we’d been and things we’d done and I was squarely in the “I’ll never have kids” camp, but I honestly woke up one day and said to DH, I’d like to think about having kids now. We talked for awhile, and well…11 months later our first came along….what a wonderful learning curve for me! One can change ones’ mind if one wants, also.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 16:51:55 +0000

I am currently 7 months pregnant, and you know what? There are absolutely people who should not be parents. Admittedly, I am 24 years old. Most of my friends are adamant in the fact that they do not want children. And that’s FINE! It is a very personal decision that is not right for everyone and the point that Trent was trying to make is that there is more to having children than simply the financial cost. Some of my friends may change their minds at some point down the road, but if they don’t, they are more than happy to dote on our little girl. I am a firm believer that you shouldn’t have children just for the sake of having children or because society says that’s what you do at a certain time in your life. Kudos to Trent for coming out and saying it!

By: Hunter Nuttall

Hunter Nuttall — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 15:08:00 +0000

I’ve always found it perplexing that so many people will tell others “you have to have kids,”
“what the heck are you waiting for,” etc. Why do they care?

I think the important thing here is that it’s a huge decision and you shouldn’t just blindly do what everyone else is doing, but you should carefully consider what’s right for you. That seems pretty obvious, yet people still feel pressured to have kids.

By: BigRed

BigRed — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 14:43:18 +0000

It’s so interesting to see the responses on this thread–folks are so defensive about their positions (CF vs with kids). This is perfectly analogous to the SAHM vs working mom argument that’s been ongoing for 20 years or so. I’m sorry to see that no lessons have been learned from that pretty nasty debate–folks, everyone makes choices and lives with the ramifications of those decisions, and it’s not really anyone else’s business. I admire Trent’s objectivity in bringing up the costs and sparking a debate about the real impact of having and raising kids. It is something that people should consider when thinking about starting or increasing a family.

Why do threads have to devolve into these sorts of attacks?

Trent, keep up the good work.

By: tirzah

tirzah — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 14:04:48 +0000

“Parenthood is a crash course in selflessness.
Grow up and learn that there is more to life than your own personal wants and needs.”

Um…so I should bring a child into the world to teach MYSELF how to be unselfish?? Something strikes me as really cockeyed about that concept. “I want to be unselfish, therefore YOU have to live with me while you’re totally at my mercy in order that I can learn this.” Eesh. Having a kid for that reason sounds like a bad idea to me.

By: JimH

JimH — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 12:44:06 +0000

@Michael and all others who feel that they must wait until they are financially ready to have children.

As other posters have pointed out, there is often a difference between actually being financially able to support a family, and *feeling* that you are able to support your family in the style to which you feel they are entitled.

Ultimately, if you have kids, you will find that what they want MOST of all is not the latest pair of sneakers, not an iPod, not even a paid-for college education – it’s you. That’s it. The more time you can give to your children, the happier they will be. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you have to spend long hours at work so as to earn more money so as to buy a bigger, better house for your family. What matters most to them is spending time doing things with you.

By: mike

mike — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 02:11:34 +0000

Love this article!! And the comments of others here too. I am a “childfree”, or one who decided awhile ago that I don’t want children. Trent’s article is well balanced. I have been telling friends not to disparage responsible parents who have given the matter serious thought, and are in tune with their feelings. My feeling is those who truely want to be parents will be a lot better at it than those who have not had that conversation with themselves or their loved ones.

Too often I see people trying to find a significant other BEFORE they have even evaluated whether they want children. I was once one of those. Fence sitters, don’t let this be the elephant in the living room. Have that conversation…

By: KellyKelly

KellyKelly — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 01:53:42 +0000

Tubaman-z,

My mother has a great temperament for parenting — very consistent, very routine-oriented, very much a homebody. All the things I am, by nature, not.

I knew this early. When I was 5 years old I told her I would not be a mother when I grew up. That was 30+ years ago.

I think my parents should have stopped at 2 kids. They had many more than two, however. They did not “do the math,” and my siblings were (and are) mostly VERY unhappy, anxious and barely existing. Money stress can be very toxic. It’s not just about not having “new toys.” Constant anxiety and worry and money fights, no money for basic medical care, etc. Some people can be poor and happy, but that was not our experience. I was so thrilled to move out on my own.

By the way, I was fourth born, so yes, I think they should NOT have had me. My soul either would have gone to some other body, or none at all. Either way, I believe I would not know the difference.

Nobody seems to worry much about that 10th or 13th child of theirs that they choose not to have. That’s what I would have been, the “un.”

By: tubaman-z

tubaman-z — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 01:36:01 +0000

To those who are choosing to remain non-parents, what do you think about your own parents choice?

By: Heather

Heather — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 00:42:09 +0000

I saw the title and knew you’d be walking into a Dirty Diaper of a topic. My advice: Be child-rich. Have them in your 20’s or early 30’s. There is never a good or convenient time. It is a normal human experience to have children. Agree with your spouse on the issue. Go forth and multiply!

By: A Childfree Woman

A Childfree Woman — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 00:36:21 +0000

This was a really good article. Since this is a column about money I’ll emphasize again the part about them being expensive. Even if you want children, if you can’t provide a decent life for them, you should not have them.

By: KoryO

KoryO — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 22:07:10 +0000

Actually, in some respects, it’s possible that Trent may have made his friend more likely to have a kid by being sort of a devil’s advocate, if you will.

If it is all because of nerves, he might have been relieved to hear someone say it’s ok not to have a kid or it’s ok to wait a bit. That may have been all he needed to get the confidence to go through with it someday. Didn’t any of you ever have something that you wanted, but were afraid to do, especially when you are being pressured?

Please don’t take this to mean that you can change someone’s mind if they are absolutely, positively against having kids. Look, it’s not like the friend in question had scheduled a vasectomy, or had stated that he never ever wanted kids. That’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax.

I always figured if someone states categorically that they don’t want kids….believe them. I dropped out of a couple promising relationships when the gentleman in question said he never wanted kids. I wasn’t going to waste my time convincing him when there are plenty of other guys who would want to be a father.