I’m 23 yrs old and in medical school. Born in a doctors’ family I’m lucky enough that I’ve never had to worry about student debt and loans, and my medical school will also be paid for by my parents. However, I’m quite frugal and have lived without a car and cable TV out of choice. I also almost never eat out since I love to cook my own food. Those three things alone save me a several thousand dollars a year.

I started dating this girl a year ago who has very different ideals than I do. She grew up in a middle class Midwest family with a house and four cars that they make payments on. I expected her to be more cautious with her money than I was, but it was the opposite. She loves to shop and going to Starbucks. She has a large credit card balance, but she’s working on eliminating it.

The problems started this past december when we went on a 10 day vacation together. She didn’t have any money saved up so I lent her my credit card so she could get a little shopping done while we were in Puerto Rico. Well a few weeks later I looked and found that she had spent $2,000 on shoes, clothes and apparel without telling me. I knew that she had bought some items but I didn’t think it polite to see how much they cost.

So we got into a little argument. She didn’t know what the big deal was since I had rich parents and could pay the balance without a hassle. That didn’t go over too well with me. I really love her but I didn’t appreciate her spending my money without regard. I’m hoping that this was out of characater and that we can talk through it using some of the tips listed on this site.

If you are like me, you’ve seen ads for those monster bride shows. The one that sticks in my mind is where she whines “We have the money you just don’t want to spend it.” Every time I see that exchange as she tried to get him to pony up for some wildly elaborate wedding over and above their budget I think, “run!” I have to assume that she will spend the rest of their lives whining to him that they could afford bigger houses, better cars, fancier vacations, and more expensive clothes. They will wind up in bankruptcy, divorce court or he will work himself into the ground to satisfy her insatiable urge to spend more and more.

Please don’t do that to yourself. Find out where you are up front in this area. If I had known then….this would have been a deal-breaker. We were once in mid-vacation when I found out that he had skipped paying the mortgage to afford the vacation. What he had done with the vacation money I still do not know. He lives on the theory that he can always make it up next week (or next month or…..) I could buy a Mercedes in what we have paid in late fees, overdraft charges, and over-limit fees. For what? How hard is it to put off a purchase or an entertainment for just a bit longer? Financial stability provides you with peace and confidence. Priceless.

My husband can’t care less about finances, so I’m the one who manages the money, but again, if I make a major decision such as to start an IRA or change our allocation, I always let him know. I do our taxes, but I make him read it over and check my math–two heads are better than one!
I respect his opinion and he trusts my judgement.

This simple method has worked for us–we’ve never gotten in debt or over our heads though we could have saved more when we were younger. It curbs impulse buys that are later regretted and allows you to develop trust in each other.

My husband and I have been married almost 13 years, and have never had one single fight about money. We have adopted a “yours, mine, and ours” system that works like this: each year at tax time, we figure out the coming year’s household budget based on the previous year’s. At that point, we determine how much money per month is needed to pay all the monthly expenses, and we add in money for household savings, a vacation, etc. We figure up that annual total and divide it by 26, because we both get paid every two weeks at our jobs. That’s how much money will go into our joint checking account on each payday. Next, we figure out our total income over the past year (this is why we do it at tax time), and determine who made what percentage of that total. It usually ends up somewhere around my husband earning 75% of the total, and me earning about 25%. Finally, we go back to the “amount per payday” that goes into the joint checking, and my husband deposits 75% of that total into the account each pay, and I deposit 25% of the total into the account each pay.

All money left over for either one of us goes into personal checking and/or savings accounts and is ours to do with as we please, no questions asked EVER. My husband invests a big chunk of his with an online brokerage, buying individual stocks, and I invest a big chunk of mine in an online mutual fund account. However, if I wanted to spend $1,000 on a pair of shoes or a purse (the most ridiculous thing EVER, and I never would, but I’m just saying), I wouldn’t owe him any explanation.

We are very fortunate that we spent long hours discussing money and finances before we married, and we’re both focused on the same long-term financial goals. So focused, in fact, that we are set to retire early from full-time work this year – he’ll be 50, and I’ll be 46 — with a net worth well over $2 million. It can be done, we’re proof of that, but as other posters have said, if the two of you aren’t on the same page philosophically, it’s going to be very difficult.

I am by no means a big spender but compared to my husband, I do spend more money. Luckily, we have learned to see each other’s ways and are now living like a ‘Best Of’ philosophy. We choose whose philosophy works better for a given situation. Example: We need a tool. Here we will go with my tendency to buy the BEST tool (not what is often called the ‘best value’). Every time we use the tool, it will feel smooth in our hands and we will love having it. This also applies to our camera equipment, etc.
The opposite example: We go out for lunch on a weekend. Here consider my husbands way – either we skip the lunch out altogether or we figure out ways to cut the cost way down, such as sharing an entree that is almost always enough for the 3 of us (the 3rd person being only 20 months old).

If he reacts strongly negatively to your attempts to be frugal or indicates that he doesn’t believe in fiscal responsibility, you should strongly consider dumping him. Money drives a lot of couples apart, and it’s better to figure his attitudes out earlier than later.

Who knows; he might be relieved that you brought it up, because he secretly wants to be frugal but thinks you like to spend. Or, he could actually be rich, so it might surprise him that buying these things is financially difficult for you.

If this relationship isn’t very serious, just cut back the expensive stuff, suggest cheaper alternatives, and dump the guy if he objects.

And how are you going to do that? By becoming the “parent” and treating your spouse like a “child,” because he or she won’t do things your, and your way is so much better than their way? That doesn’t sound like much of a partnership to me. I agree that it’s difficult for a frugal and not-frugal couple to agree, but you can’t “take charge” just because you think you’re right and they’re wrong. There are much bigger marital issues at stake here.

That’s one of the main reasons why he’s my ex.

I think you have to come to an agreement about big things like this. Maybe unfrugal spouse would be okay about saving if it wasn’t too depriving, maybe he wants to live in a nicer apartment while saving, maybe only save for a condo or a more modest house, maybe also agree to save for some desire of his (even if it seems frivolous, like a boat or a motorcycle), maybe do it by taking complete charge of all cooking so that you can trim the fat off the food budget and right into savings. But I could never do this without my husband on board. Save on my own, then buy a house in my name only? No thanks, that’s not what I want out of my marriage.

How can one spouse save for a house and the other not? Are you not going to let your partner live in it? Then, unfrugal partner doesn’t have to sacrifice anything and still gets a nice house.

Buy the house in your name only, and charge the partner rent to live there. Or, accept that if you want the partner you want, and the house you want, you’re going to have to make some one-sided sacrifices.

Both these options seem vastly preferable to me than constantly fighting about money, which 1) degrades the quality of the relationship and 2) only changes behavior at the margins.

Obviously it’s necessary to compromise, but still have some ground rules in place. For example, no buying things until you actually have the money. Don’t let the unfrugal spouse just put a big screen TV on the credit card. Even if you disagree on the need for a big screen TV at all, depending on the circumstances you might agree to purchase it and then set up an automatic savings account and buy it when the full amount is saved. That way you are not depriving your partner but you are still being responsible, not going into debt, not paying interest, etc.

If there’s something important to your spouse that you haven’t been able to afford, point out that increased frugality could not only meet financial goals for retirement or whatever, but could also pay for that big something. Maybe a once in a lifetime extended trip to Europe. Maybe a vacation home in cottage country. Whatever it is. Your partner may not be motivated by retirement or saving for the kids’ education or paying off the mortgage early, but there may be something else that could be motivating.

Also, you may be able to get your spouse to compromise on the frugality issue by showing willingness to compromise in other areas. Maybe you are really bothered by your partner’s spending habits, but he/she is really bothered by your not helping with housework. Come up with some sort of agreement. You keep personal spending within $200 per month, and I’ll clean the bathroom once a week and wash dishes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Your spouse must have some sort of gripe about you that you could deal with in return for this gripe you have about him/her.