Comments on: The First Money Talk: The When and How of a Conversation Every Couple Needs to Have http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/ Simple, applicable personal finance advice for the modern world Sat, 21 Nov 2009 19:22:21 -0800 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Empress Juju http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-226082 Empress Juju Sat, 05 Apr 2008 19:23:21 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-226082 Thank you for this post. I'm not even dating anyone seriously right now, but it got me thinking about past relationships, and about how I never had this talk! I now think that money should be an ongoing topic from very early on... In a recent flirtatious conversation with a fella, we started talking about camping and cooking, and his eyes lit up when he talked about road-tripping on $15 a day, plus gas...so did mine! Thank you for this post. I’m not even dating anyone seriously right now, but it got me thinking about past relationships, and about how I never had this talk!

I now think that money should be an ongoing topic from very early on… In a recent flirtatious conversation with a fella, we started talking about camping and cooking, and his eyes lit up when he talked about road-tripping on $15 a day, plus gas…so did mine!

]]> By: Monevator http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-225515 Monevator Sat, 05 Apr 2008 09:55:18 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-225515 Try talking to your partner about their parents and money... It's nearly always revealing of secret money hopes and fears. Try talking to your partner about their parents and money… It’s nearly always revealing of secret money hopes and fears.

]]> By: Moneymonk http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-224624 Moneymonk Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:46:58 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-224624 "Look your spouse right in the eye, and hold their hand" sounds like what dave Ramsey would say “Look your spouse right in the eye, and hold their hand”

sounds like what dave Ramsey would say

]]> By: George http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223720 George Fri, 04 Apr 2008 01:09:57 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223720 I can see your point in having the same account. However, the deeper issue are the spending habits of the husband and wife. For many people, separate accounts actually helps keep their marriage together. Priorities have to be set as to what they want to achieve. My former boss who was a very successful investor who lived thru the depression said it comes down to spending less than you make. Too many people buy things they don't need. A joint checking account won't solve those problems. I can see your point in having the same account. However, the deeper issue are the spending habits of the husband and wife. For many people, separate accounts actually helps keep their marriage together. Priorities have to be set as to what they want to achieve. My former boss who was a very successful investor who lived thru the depression said it comes down to spending less than you make. Too many people buy things they don’t need. A joint checking account won’t solve those problems.

]]> By: guinness416 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223673 guinness416 Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:17:06 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223673 "A married couple should always have the same accounts" Nope. Plenty of people have separate accounts, and it works for them. Mine and my husband's chequing accounts have been separate throughout our nine-ish years together, although we do pool our savings. “A married couple should always have the same accounts”

Nope. Plenty of people have separate accounts, and it works for them. Mine and my husband’s chequing accounts have been separate throughout our nine-ish years together, although we do pool our savings.

]]> By: Ginger @ Girls Just Wanna Have Funds http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223450 Ginger @ Girls Just Wanna Have Funds Thu, 03 Apr 2008 20:00:48 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223450 Great advice! I wish more couples would have these talks BEFORE they walk down the aisle as this would prevent so many arguments and divorces. Money is one of the top reasons so many couples are divorcing so this post would be gold to so many right now! Great advice! I wish more couples would have these talks BEFORE they walk down the aisle as this would prevent so many arguments and divorces. Money is one of the top reasons so many couples are divorcing so this post would be gold to so many right now!

]]> By: !wanda http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223358 !wanda Thu, 03 Apr 2008 18:56:06 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223358 @Scott: I think you can introduce topics that concern that situation without stating crass questions outright. My partner and I have had successful discussions about that by framing the discussion as, "What do you want to do with the finances if I get run over by a bus?" Also, he's seen two of his good friends break up after living together for 7 years and owning property together, so we've discussed how they split their stuff afterward (quite amicably, actually, although the emotional stuff was a train wreck). Other than that, I'm trusting the fact that he's basically a good-hearted and rational person and unlikely to pull anything dramatic, vengeful, or overly unfair. Personally, I've seen my mother stuck in a hateful marriage because of her finance fears. I'll probably always keep my own stash somewhere, enough to buy a plane ticket and take care of my basic needs for a few months. Paradoxically, I feel that my relationship is more secure this way because otherwise I would feel unhappy and trapped. @Scott: I think you can introduce topics that concern that situation without stating crass questions outright. My partner and I have had successful discussions about that by framing the discussion as, “What do you want to do with the finances if I get run over by a bus?” Also, he’s seen two of his good friends break up after living together for 7 years and owning property together, so we’ve discussed how they split their stuff afterward (quite amicably, actually, although the emotional stuff was a train wreck). Other than that, I’m trusting the fact that he’s basically a good-hearted and rational person and unlikely to pull anything dramatic, vengeful, or overly unfair.

Personally, I’ve seen my mother stuck in a hateful marriage because of her finance fears. I’ll probably always keep my own stash somewhere, enough to buy a plane ticket and take care of my basic needs for a few months. Paradoxically, I feel that my relationship is more secure this way because otherwise I would feel unhappy and trapped.

]]> By: The Weakonomist http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223306 The Weakonomist Thu, 03 Apr 2008 18:13:59 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223306 My girlfriend knew what's up after our first year. Here we are in our 4th and talking about marriage. Being on the same page early on saved us both a lot of money. A married couple should always have the same accounts. All money goes in one bucket and together it is pulled out. I make more money than her (a lot more) but she has a wealthy family and a trust. When we're married, WE will have a good salary and WE will have a trust from her parents. Keep it simple and focus on the love (and her new puppy!). My girlfriend knew what’s up after our first year. Here we are in our 4th and talking about marriage. Being on the same page early on saved us both a lot of money.

A married couple should always have the same accounts. All money goes in one bucket and together it is pulled out. I make more money than her (a lot more) but she has a wealthy family and a trust. When we’re married, WE will have a good salary and WE will have a trust from her parents. Keep it simple and focus on the love (and her new puppy!).

]]> By: j http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223302 j Thu, 03 Apr 2008 18:08:16 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223302 thanks for the extended answer to my mailbag question :) while i have no idea what my boyfriend and i will decide to do, i know that i am waiting for him to make my next financial moves, so the discussions need to begin soon. thank you for the comments as well - it's so interesting to hear that there are options. my parents do everything together and my boyfriend originally assumed we would join finances, but i am not comfy with those tactics yet. i like a lot of the "inbetweens" mentioned above. thanks for the extended answer to my mailbag question :) while i have no idea what my boyfriend and i will decide to do, i know that i am waiting for him to make my next financial moves, so the discussions need to begin soon.

thank you for the comments as well – it’s so interesting to hear that there are options. my parents do everything together and my boyfriend originally assumed we would join finances, but i am not comfy with those tactics yet. i like a lot of the “inbetweens” mentioned above.

]]> By: mal http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223293 mal Thu, 03 Apr 2008 18:04:57 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223293 Great points . . . my bf and I need to really sit down and discuss our finances. I really have no clue what he spends his money on although I do know his annual salary. Great points . . . my bf and I need to really sit down and discuss our finances. I really have no clue what he spends his money on although I do know his annual salary.

]]> By: Miranda http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223286 Miranda Thu, 03 Apr 2008 18:01:58 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223286 This is a great post! And, as has been mentioned above, money talk should be ongoing. My husband and don't talk much about money; it is still a bit stressful. But if something big comes up, we do talk about it and re-adjust. We pool everything together, and have since we were engaged. It works well for us, due to our spending habits. We both get what we need, and some of what we want. And if there's something we both want, that is expensive, we get down to brass tacks and talk about what we need to do to get it. This is a great post! And, as has been mentioned above, money talk should be ongoing. My husband and don’t talk much about money; it is still a bit stressful. But if something big comes up, we do talk about it and re-adjust.

We pool everything together, and have since we were engaged. It works well for us, due to our spending habits. We both get what we need, and some of what we want. And if there’s something we both want, that is expensive, we get down to brass tacks and talk about what we need to do to get it.

]]> By: Dee http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223285 Dee Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:57:39 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223285 Re: Making a list of all debts I would opt for an actual credit report instead of trusting the other person to provide an accurate list. It might put someone off (as an indicator that you don't trust them), but I would much rather be safe than sorry and know the real amount of debt that my partner owes. There are too many tales of people who only find out much later how much debt their spouses are in and by then, it's a bit too late! Re: Making a list of all debts

I would opt for an actual credit report instead of trusting the other person to provide an accurate list. It might put someone off (as an indicator that you don’t trust them), but I would much rather be safe than sorry and know the real amount of debt that my partner owes. There are too many tales of people who only find out much later how much debt their spouses are in and by then, it’s a bit too late!

]]> By: danielle http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223266 danielle Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:47:08 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223266 Kevin and I started out with nothing so we merged from the getgo. One we got engaged we opened a joint checking acct, combined our credit cards (and killed 6k in debt in 6 mos at age 24) and started investing as JTWROS. What's mine is his, what's his is mine. I am one of those people who strongly feels that a true strong marriage means everything is "ours". We have never had a money fight (no joke) and our finances have been merged since late 1999 when we got engaged. We always have an open discussion for anything over $100 besides groceries and fixed costs. Our only separate things are our Roth's, 401k's- for obvious reasons, and a paypal account I use for ebay and buying and selling cloth diapers which is worth about $100. LOL. I definitely manage the investments and finances which is fine by me. DH makes 3 1/2 times what I do, so I am like Vered@momgrind- he earns it, I manage it! We also talk about our financial and personal goals every quarter and hold a "State of the Union" where we discuss, over lots of wine, where we are with each other. 12 years together total and no fights, that happens not by luck but with lots of communication! Kevin and I started out with nothing so we merged from the getgo. One we got engaged we opened a joint checking acct, combined our credit cards (and killed 6k in debt in 6 mos at age 24) and started investing as JTWROS.

What’s mine is his, what’s his is mine. I am one of those people who strongly feels that a true strong marriage means everything is “ours”.

We have never had a money fight (no joke) and our finances have been merged since late 1999 when we got engaged. We always have an open discussion for anything over $100 besides groceries and fixed costs.

Our only separate things are our Roth’s, 401k’s- for obvious reasons, and a paypal account I use for ebay and buying and selling cloth diapers which is worth about $100. LOL.

I definitely manage the investments and finances which is fine by me. DH makes 3 1/2 times what I do, so I am like Vered@momgrind- he earns it, I manage it!

We also talk about our financial and personal goals every quarter and hold a “State of the Union” where we discuss, over lots of wine, where we are with each other. 12 years together total and no fights, that happens not by luck but with lots of communication!

]]> By: Michelle http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223198 Michelle Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:04:14 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223198 My fiance and I are going through this right now. I have to admit I have blown up on him on occasion for the way he manages his money. It doesnt matter to me that he earns less, but it does matter that he has no idea where his money goes and has no goals that he works toward. He has some debt and basically no savings, yet he has cash laying all around the house. He doesnt overspend, he just doesnt pay attention, which drives me nuts beause I am a detail person. I have a feeling the best way for us will be to merge our incomes with me being the leader and each of us getting a set amount to spend on whatever. Good suggestion, Trent My fiance and I are going through this right now. I have to admit I have blown up on him on occasion for the way he manages his money. It doesnt matter to me that he earns less, but it does matter that he has no idea where his money goes and has no goals that he works toward. He has some debt and basically no savings, yet he has cash laying all around the house. He doesnt overspend, he just doesnt pay attention, which drives me nuts beause I am a detail person. I have a feeling the best way for us will be to merge our incomes with me being the leader and each of us getting a set amount to spend on whatever. Good suggestion, Trent

]]> By: Vered@MomGrind http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223195 Vered@MomGrind Thu, 03 Apr 2008 16:57:49 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223195 Somehow, for us, it was easy, even though we never had big talks. I enjoy investing and managing our portfolio, he doesn't. He earns well, I don't. So he brings in the paycheck, I invest some and spend the rest. We like to say that he's in charge of making the money, and I am in charge of growing it and spending it. Somehow, for us, it was easy, even though we never had big talks. I enjoy investing and managing our portfolio, he doesn’t. He earns well, I don’t. So he brings in the paycheck, I invest some and spend the rest. We like to say that he’s in charge of making the money, and I am in charge of growing it and spending it.

]]> By: Andy http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223189 Andy Thu, 03 Apr 2008 16:54:17 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223189 This is a great article. My girlfriend and I are moving in together soon, and we are pretty sure we will split all expenses down the middle and keep our finances separate. But it would probably be a good idea to really hammer out the details soon. This is a great article. My girlfriend and I are moving in together soon, and we are pretty sure we will split all expenses down the middle and keep our finances separate. But it would probably be a good idea to really hammer out the details soon.

]]> By: Aryn http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223174 Aryn Thu, 03 Apr 2008 16:43:37 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223174 My husband and I were together for several years before we got married, so we were completely familiar with each other's finances by then, but we still make a point to talk about our money and our choices. We also decided before we got married who would be in charge of which aspects after we got married. He does the bills, I do the investing and taxes. It's a system that works well for us. My husband and I were together for several years before we got married, so we were completely familiar with each other’s finances by then, but we still make a point to talk about our money and our choices. We also decided before we got married who would be in charge of which aspects after we got married. He does the bills, I do the investing and taxes. It’s a system that works well for us.

]]> By: Lisa http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223143 Lisa Thu, 03 Apr 2008 16:14:35 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223143 We happen to prefer pooling our money. But this has led to many discussions over prioritizing what we use the money for. One of us is more frugal than the other, and i won't say which! We went to a financial planner, and also a marriage counselor. Both helped us tremendously through those initial hurdles. I'd say we have gotten on the same page at last, even with our differences. It took ALOT of open communication. Lisa We happen to prefer pooling our money. But this has led to many discussions over prioritizing what we use the money for. One of us is more frugal than the other, and i won’t say which! We went to a financial planner, and also a marriage counselor. Both helped us tremendously through those initial hurdles. I’d say we have gotten on the same page at last, even with our differences. It took ALOT of open communication.

Lisa

]]> By: 60 in 3 - Fitness and Health http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223135 60 in 3 - Fitness and Health Thu, 03 Apr 2008 16:08:17 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223135 Great advice Trent, My only comment is that you don't really need to have a finance "leader" in your relationship. My wife and I split the bills equally (she pays the power and water, I pay the phone and internet for example) and have merged some expenses while keeping others separate. Each couple will find a different way of doing things as long as they communicate openly and honestly. I think that's the best advice you gave here. Talk to your spouse or partner. Talk often and talk openly. If you can do that, most problems will work out quite easily. Gal Great advice Trent,
My only comment is that you don’t really need to have a finance “leader” in your relationship. My wife and I split the bills equally (she pays the power and water, I pay the phone and internet for example) and have merged some expenses while keeping others separate. Each couple will find a different way of doing things as long as they communicate openly and honestly.

I think that’s the best advice you gave here. Talk to your spouse or partner. Talk often and talk openly. If you can do that, most problems will work out quite easily.

Gal

]]> By: My.cold.dead.hands http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/comment-page-1/#comment-223113 My.cold.dead.hands Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:53:08 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/03/the-first-money-talk-the-when-and-how-of-a-conversation-every-couple-needs-to-have/#comment-223113 This will sound harsh, but I don't believe that this is a topic that has a lot of room for compromise, money habits, spending habits whatever are very much a part of who we are and how we see the world around us. Trying to get someone to change their habits to match ours or ours to match theirs will not likely work for the long haul, because for better or for worse, there is a reason that we do things the way that we do. I believe that it's better to be with someone that you are in harmony with from the start. The transistions will be more organic that way. You don't have to be crass and ask the person about their finances, but during the dating process you should be able to pick up on 80% of their "money personality", i.e. do they save up for things, spend like there's no tomorrow, skimp at times when they should be able to relax, demand the latest toys ect. Once you're at the point of contemplating marriage there should be no take-your-breath-away type suprises. Maybe you were'nt aware of a detail here or there, but you should have some idea of where they land on the map. I don't remember who said it, but I believe that a saver should never marry a spender, every plan you have to get ahead financially they will find a way to torpedo it. This will sound harsh, but I don’t believe that this is a topic that has a lot of room for compromise, money habits, spending habits whatever are very much a part of who we are and how we see the world around us. Trying to get someone to change their habits to match ours or ours to match theirs will not likely work for the long haul, because for better or for worse, there is a reason that we do things the way that we do.

I believe that it’s better to be with someone that you are in harmony with from the start. The transistions will be more organic that way.

You don’t have to be crass and ask the person about their finances, but during the dating process you should be able to pick up on 80% of their “money personality”, i.e. do they save up for things, spend like there’s no tomorrow, skimp at times when they should be able to relax, demand the latest toys ect.

Once you’re at the point of contemplating marriage there should be no take-your-breath-away type suprises. Maybe you were’nt aware of a detail here or there, but you should have some idea of where they land on the map.

I don’t remember who said it, but I believe that a saver should never marry a spender, every plan you have to get ahead financially they will find a way to torpedo it.

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