When I was bringing up my own daughters I used commercials as time to pick apart advertising schemes. I did my best to quietly instill a wariness of advertisments and ocmpanies. Those folks don’t care one bit about anything beyond the success of their sales of products. I got them to critique commercial as to how they manipulated the audience. It did seems to help them not to be clueless as to the real agenda of TV sponsors. Now if I’d only been as successful in dealing with peer pressure to have the popular and cool items!

I have 2 boys, age 13 and 10, who don’t have all the coolest shoes/toys/gadgets. When they are sad because someone else has something they wish they had we talk about what else is contributing to the feeling and also about the kids who have the desired item. Do they feel they can’t run as fast as they would with the cool shoes? Maybe but maybe they can still outrace the kid who has them. Would they be the coolest kid in school if they had the gadget? No, the kid who has it is kind of a jerk much of the time. It doesn’t always succeed in making them feel better, but it opens discussions of the value of stuff. Good luck!

Trent, I didn’t mean to say that I don’t think you have any principles about child-raising. Obviously that’s not true, and often what you write here helps me to think about how to raise my young son.

I just meant to say, in a nutshell, that it’s not about you! Your bad feelings 25 years ago (which sound pretty minor anyway) and your bad feelings when the kid feels left out aren’t going to help your kid learn what’s important and what’s not. By entertaining those feelings to the extent you seem to, you’ll only burnish the shiny consumer product objects of your kids’ irrational desires. There’s no there there…why make a dilemma out of all this? One reaction is good for the kid (not buying crap to salve wounds and using painful moments to instruct) and one reaction is bad (doing the opposite for whatever emotional reason).

Is all I’m sayin.

Works like a charm. My 4 never ask me for name brand anything… not even sugary cereal, ever!

Jocks might think a certain baseball mitt, running shoe, or whatever- is the holy grail.

Nerds might want the penultimate computer.

Popular girls might want the latest designer whatever.

And so on.

I have to agree with others who advise the main thing that our kids need to walk away with is that things are fleeting- it is their inner truth and self that matters. That is the ultimate cool- knowing who they are as a person and not being afraid of it.

That participation in decision-making helped a *lot*. It removed the feeling of having stuff foisted on me, and being the victim of parental stubbornness. Maybe kids take that victim-think straight into school with them?

My mother’s second strategy was to tell me that it is the hallmark of the truly cool to not be much influenced by consumerism.

Her third strategy was to let me choose after-school activities that set me apart (in an envied-by-your classmates way). I got private art lessons, and also studied piano. Now everyone could do band, but few kids had a piano at home, so let me tell you, it worked in terms of enhancing me standing among my classmates.

Your children may not wish to study piano, and buying a piano may strike you as an expensive trade-off – that said, they have great resale value (which you cannot say about most fashionable doodads) – and the general point is to pick activities that your kids love. Pursuing them will develop them as people and balance the pressures of consumerism, even if the initial outlay is expensive.

Hope these ideas are somewhat helpful.

This is exactly how I feel. Wonderfully said, Kristina.

As a high school teacher, I believe that I have a unique perspective on what makes a student “cool” since I can watch the way students interact with each other without having to interact with them myself. (Students frequently don’t have this option.)

Here are some of the trends I’ve noticed among my students:

1. Self-confidence plays a huge role in “coolness.” You are much more likely to be cool if you feel positively about yourself. Not all self-confident students are cool but the ones who aren’t cool really don’t care.

2. “Cool” is relative. Athletically minded students tend to think that their peers with athletic talent are cool. Creative students tend to think that students with artistic talent are cool.

3. Even if there is someone who thinks that you are cool, there is always someone else who thinks that you are not cool.

4. Students who look dirty (unwashed or matted hair, body odor, bad breath, clothes that are dirty, have holes, or do not fit) are almost always not cool. The only exceptions to this that I see are the “rebels” who enjoy going against popular culture. (I’m not saying that “rebels” are bad kids. They usually very sweet and have an interesting sense of humor. They just enjoy being different.)

Please keep in mind that these are just trends that I have noticed and they don’t apply to every situation.

In my opinion, parents can cut down on the amount of teasing, bullying, and rejection their kids will have to deal with by doing two things. First, do all you can to help your child become self-confident. Not the kind of self-confident that comes from buying the latest whatever but the kind that comes from within. Encourage them to develop whatever talents they possess. Every child has some talent. Help them to identify what theirs is.

Second, teach your children how to present themselves. Keeping themselves clean and presentable not only makes others more likely to enjoy their company, it can also help them to develop that sense of self-confidence that is so important. I’m not saying that students must wear the latest, trendiest clothes, shoes, hair styles, and etc. Nice, high quality clothes can be bought at goodwill. Clean, healthy hair does not need to be expensively styled and a bar of soap and deodorant is all that it takes to keep body odor away.

Every child will be teased or bullied at some point. Our job as parents is helping them to deal with it in a positive manner.

Trent, let your children face their own challenges. When I was in elementary school, indeed, the entire time I was in school, my family moved every 18 to 24 months. There was nothing anyone could buy for me that would wipe that “new kid” stench away. Instead, I had to face my own challenges, and find other ways to tap into my “inner coolness”. Inner cool is the only genuine cool there is.

I’ll go more in depth when I post the article here in a few days, but above is the nutshell version of my advice.

1) the soccer comment as a general example of a situation where his son could feel social rejection, not that Trent thinks that his son will have the same experiences that he will, and

2) that sometimes Trent makes controversial comments to generate conversation. This tool is especially effective if he speaks in the first person.

Conversation and disagreement is welcome, but stop the personal attacks, please!

I will also agree with others in the general theme that providing a secure, safe, and caring home environment will give your kids the strength to shrug off the bulk of the teasing. Teasing only really works when the person you’re teasing is bothered by it. Give them the tools and guidance to deal with their own struggles, and give them a chance to deal with it on their own before stepping in.

With my own kids, we’ve tried to be careful in what they have and get. The biggest problem is overzealous grandparents and uncles. It’s taken many years to drill into their heads that they must check with us first on any purchase they plan for our kids. Frankly my MIL didn’t get it until one Christmas my then four year chucked a newly received Christmas present across the living room and in front of my MIL. “Be careful or you’ll break it!” my wife said. “I don’t care if it breaks,” my four year old said. “Grandma will just buy me another one.”

We’ve also taken to encouraging the kids to donate toys or clothes they don’t really want or use anymore. It helps to reinforce that their items are just things and if the things aren’t bringing them value, they can be given to others who need them. Besides, it really helps to hold down their stuff in their rooms.

My parents taught by example. They chose to save their money, drive older cars, not buy us everything we could fathom. And now, as a result of their reasonable lifestyle, my parents will get to retire in style in the near future.

It is important to teach the benefit of saving, and to plan shopping trips to buy reasonably priced/on sale, *appropriate*, and higher-quality clothes. Exemplify the benefit of buying nice things for great prices. Teach them to care for their belongings so they last longer. Trendy, poorly-made clothes that fall apart after a wash aren’t an investment like a favorite pair of jeans, or a well-made (on sale) suit can be.

Also, shopping for clothes is an opportunity to teach children morals and personal presentation standards. If we allow our 5-year-old to run around in a micro-mini skirt and tube top, I have to consider that she might not look as cute in 10 years when I am no longer exclusively in charge of her shopping habits.

Children understand early that they are judged by what they wear. Since this isn’t going to change, teach them to present themselves well from their earliest years. Appropriate hygiene, grooming, and general (classy) appearance are far more important than the brand of t-shirt he or she is wearing. It will pay off when they know how to look for an interview, or other formal occasion.

(can’t remember where I heard this but its so true)