Not surprisingly, whenever callers to his show mention such situations Dave recommends that the caller and all parties involved read the book “Boundaries” (Cloud/Townsend):

https://www.daveramsey.com/store/Books/Daves-Library/Business-Leadership/-i-boundaries-i-/prod303.html

I think it is next on my reading list.

Good luck to you and all struggling with this difficult issue.

Oh, and Sue, 50 is not “old”. We’re the new 40, didn’t you know?

For a number of years I helped out my mother by assisting with bill payments, allowing her to have a credit card on my account (stupid of me, way stupid), lots of support via the telephone until I realized that all the money I was sending her was not benefiting her, but going directly to my brother and his kids and she still had bill issues.

I had to step back when my own finances took a dive south and my withdrawl of money was seen as me turning my back on my family. I just could not continue to enable my mother who would then enable her son. My terms and conditions for continued financial support were shot down (have a shut off notice? Send me the bill and I’ll pay the utility company directly, I won’t send a check made payable to a person anymore.)

Great post and lots of great comments from folks.

BB

My widowed mother bankrupted herself, financially and morally, to keep my youngest brother (a drug addict/dealer/alcholic/criminal), his equally addicted girlfriends, their children and other assorted followers-on with an enviable lifestyle for years. She mortgaged the house that was hers free and clear to support them. She maxed-out credit card after credit card. When the foreclosure documents, collection letters, tax lien and other final notices started arriving, she threw them away. If my sister hadn’t accidentally found the foreclosure notice in the trash we’d have never known.

He died two years ago at the age of 42. He was a college-educated professional (unlike me) who made six-figures every year he was able to work.

And every month I have to write the woman who never had time for me a check to help her meet basic living expenses.

My family raised me to be pretty smart with money – I stumbled along the way, but in order to become debt free, my husband and I adopted a frugal lifestyle. We live within our means.

I married into a family that is horrible with money. My mother in law, an aged hippie, seems to have accumulated a mountain of debt on her own and now my husband gets calls from a collection agency looking for her. She spends money on things at the dollar store and on the youngest child, who ruined her credit, but has a decent job. She is just an ungrateful mooch, in my opinion. (She mooches off of us as well – taking anything we offer and never giving in return.) No one in that family talks about money problems until it is too late.

I believe my MIL has nothing saved, even though she is a couple years away from 65. I am worried that someday she will show up at our door, evicted, penniless and expect that we will take care of her. I want to nip this in the bud, but obviously this is not for me to do but my husband. After the collection agency call, I have asked him to have a frank discussion with her about money and to lay out the premise that we will do whatever we can, but we are not able to support her financially.

I wasn’t there for the conversation, but he said he “discussed finances” with her. I didn’t bug him since I told him what I thought needed to be said. It’s really all I can do. But every time she shows up with bags of cheap junk that no one needs, I cringe.

Thanks for reading and letting me vent in your comments!

For one thing, it seems like she is being the chief enabler, letting him be a leach of sorts. It could be that he has a drug problem (even if it’s alcohol, it’s still a drug) or depression/other mental illness and may need help. But it sounds like he isn’t grateful since there is no reciprocation; he is taking advantage of her. He could be threatening her, using emotional abuse, guilt, etc. This could be so subtle that she doesn’t realize it’s going on. Nevertheless, he’s taking advantage of her. Or she might be afraid to do something about it. She may need some help.

I hate to say it but, by not doing anything you could also be enabling it to continue. You should at least explore this a bit more. I know that it’s uncomfortable and you may feel like you are intruding but if you care (and I know you do or you wouldn’t have written this post) you will try to help.

I would consider having a private discussion with Granny. Visit her, take her to lunch, for a ride, spend some time with her. Don’t start by bringing it up. Ask her how things are going, how her son is, etc. try not to get too emotional or start saying how wrong the situation is. If she expresses any concern, distress, etc. about her situation, tell her you understand, ask her if she thinks she should do something about it. Be encouraging. If this is a deeper problem than you initally thought, you may want to consider getting adult protective services (or whatever it’s called in your state) involved.

It’s hard to do and easier to avoid (avoidance is the most common defense mechanism). However, in the end, you will be glad you did, it is the right thing.

And you know, I’ve been in similar situations where I had someone living in my home, wouldn’t leave, ate my food, ordered me around, broke things when I tried to stand up for myself. In the end, I had to work up the guts to kick him out, even though it was dangerous. I resented the fact that my close friends saw what was going on, expressed concern, knew it wasn’t right, but didn’t do anything to help, even when I told them how scared I was, felt like a hostage…And I’ve had friends who were financially irresponsible. It’s one thing when it’s only affecting them. However, they would come to me, broke. I certainly don’t mind helping when someone is going through a tough time. But many of these friends would waste $ and get into a bad financial situation. This one guy bought a $300 gizmo, played aroud with it and said he would sell it (an investment of sorts). When he did, he got $100 for it. There have been times when I tried to talk to him about these things, even offering to put some of his $ in the bank and give it back at any time. Instead he would make a lot of irrational decisions, waste $ and wonder why. These kinds of people tend to be a drain on you. I have had to set some boundaries with these people (sounds like something your Grandmother hasn’t been able to do). I tend to step in a lot more now. One friend will sit there, smoke only 1/2 the cigarette and go thru a pack while at my house and start bumming off me. I tell him to smoke the stubbies; I’ll tell him he’s being wasteful. Or call 411 with a phone book sitting next to him. Then he complains about his phone bill. I know I come across as a royal B—- but it ultimately affects me. So I know what it’s like and, your grandmother is in a bad situation and needs someone to step in. Think of it like this: Someone in an abusive relationship finds it hard to leave, becomes victimized, and becomes helpless. There needs to be some intervention here Trent. Please do something about this. Even if it means involving authorities, getting others involved, whatever it takes. It’s not meddling but rather helping someone who is unable to help herself.

Being called “lazy” when you are suffering from depression or undiagnosed sleep apnea with your O2 saturation levels dipping into the 50% levels isn’t helpful. Getting diagnosed and treated is.

Perhaps readers with this type of issue should look into getting a COMPLETE physical for the “lazy” relative, getting them help and letting them get healthy enough to get productive might be a more useful approach.

For those who choose to not get help with substance abuse or gambling, enabling is not helpful. For those with mental or emotional disabilities, getting them on disbility, either social security or some other plan if they have coverage can be a positive step to help everyone.

We discussed our financial intentions with Mom, yet she refused to discontinue siphoning our money and enabling Sis. So we stopped giving Mom money.

Instead, we paid some of Mom’s bills directly and gave her specific gifts, like a trip to Hawaii with us. And we backed off, realizing that her SS disability payments were hers. If she chose to continue enabling and providing for Sis – consequently limiting her own resources – that was her choice; not ours.

Unless you have reason to suspect elder-abuse, my suggestion is to let go.

How do other people deal with this? I’d like to see a column addressed at anger that can come within families for those who do practice careful living and those who don’t.