They can act as a check and balance on each other. Every parent makes bad decisions, and having a financial trustee to question decisions can keep really bad things from happening. And having a parent question financial decisions made with large amounts of money can do the same.

Also, this way each party knows someone else is watching. All human beings know temptation, and most of of us at times have to remind outselves that we don’t really want anyone else to know about [whatever we are tempted to do], so we don’t. If there is nobody watching over the money or the major parenting decisions, it is awfully easy to make big mistakes and even slip over into illegal and immoral decisions.

Adding 4 kids means most likely I’m going to have to sell my present home and move to a much larger one, or put in an addition. I need more furniture, too, and closets. I’m roughly doubling my daily expenses moving from a household of 4 to a household of 8, between groceries, clothes, utilities, gasoline, treats, vacations, etc. I’m going to need a bigger vehicle, with all those attendant expenses. I doubt very much that I’m going to suddenly have my salary double, and I’m going to incur some new childcare expenses. My health insurance premium is likely to skyrocket, and health care expenses. And wait, there’s more! The list goes on and on.

On the bright side, the 6 kids will have a better crack at scholarship and loan money for college.

Nobody has any idea when their life is going to end. I certainly agree that if you can’t decide on the guardianship question, then you need to reconsider having a child at all. The life you will leave your child to because you are afraid of offending a friend or relative could be a very, very hard one. Raising children is a whole series of hard decisions. Better make this one NOW!!!!

Congratulations to those posters who have the wisdom and maturity to face the question of guardianship before having the baby! And get those papers filed before the baby is born. Sometimes newborns survive the death of their parents.

My husband and I don’t have a baby yet (just found out I’m pregnant) but we asked these people on a “just in case” basis and had already planned to set up a will with a clause pertaining to IF we had children.

So how do I bring up my desire to take care of the kids to their parents? It’s a morbid subject, but certainly not taboo. It just seems odd to call up and say, “Hey, if you guys die can I take care of the kids?” Well, my parents will be here in two weeks for vacation so I think I’ll discuss it with them. They’d be the other best option to take care of the kids.

Understand, you will hurt feelings. When we made our decision for our children my mother threw a fit when she found out that I’d agreed to leave the children to my wife’s side of the family. The fact that she’d be in her mid 80′s (assuming she lived that long to begin with) when the kids were in high school didn’t seem to enter her mind.

Money should be a consideration, but you need to verify what the child will get from Social Security and what they should get from your estate. This way you can assure the person you’re asking to take care of your kids they won’t suddenly be hit with a huge monetary responsibility on top of all the emotional issues (You shouldn’t need to get to detailed, just ensure them that they’ll be enough life insurance and Social to so they shouldn’t have a finacial burden). You could also recommend, either sometime later or as a comment in your will, that the person taking care of the kids take some classes in personal finance if they haven’t already. All that money coming to them can be gone pretty quick if you aren’t careful.

Trent’s list of questions is good, and if you can find someone who can fit all of them to a T and is willing to take on your kids, fantastic. Just keep in mind, you may not get all of that so don’t use the fact that you can’t find the perfect person to leave them to as an excuse not to take action. Make a short list with priorties of who you want, discuss it with them privately, if they agree, gently bring it up later, after the will has been made, with other family members. Be ready to take some flack for your decision (you left them to so and so! Don’t you know X, and Y, and Z! How could you?). We made a decision some years ago, and are still okay with it (frankly more so now than before as my wife’s sibling has matured). Best of luck with this. It isn’t easy, but needs to be done.

We have had lengthy discussion with my sister in law, who is so fearful about finances to raise my 4 kidlets. We have allayed her fears to where she doesn’t have a panic attack thinking about the potential of adding 4 kids to her household (she has 5 year old twins of her own).

She and her husband are the only reasonable choice we have. My sister and her husband are uber religous conservatives- if my partner & I died suddenly, no doubt my 4 kids would be taught how this was God’s judgement on my partner & I. Grieving kids don’t need that garbage.

I think every parent has the same feelings of how could they possibly leave their children with someone else. For pete’s sake, I can barely stand to leave them with a babysitter. Still, saying it is too hard of a decision so you will wait is kind of missing the point. If you want to choose, then choose NOW. You can always change your will later. But the point is to have something in place in case of tragedy. I don’t suppose this is legally binding, but if you really and truly cannot bring yourself to name someone (which really means you are leaving them to whoever a judge decides), at least put your wishes for them in writing — e.g. the children stay together, stay near the grandparents or in their home community, raised in a certain faith, etc etc. Maybe if you write out the criteria, you will come to a conclusion about who would be best to name as guardian.

My cousin has named me as the trustee in her will because her lawyer told her that the guardian and trustee should NOT be the same person. I can see the reasoning there, but I am comfortable in having my brother as both guardian and trustee.

Definitely good to ask the person if they are willing first. And remember, just because you name someone, doesn’t automatically mean that will be where they go. The person could decline, or a judge could decide that it is not in the best interests of the children.

I like the idea of naming an older sibling as guardian EXCEPT my mom’s parents died when she was 25 and her youngest sibling was 9, and I can sure see in her life how much she feels responsible (even 40 years later) for how her siblings are doing. Now, maybe that is just her personality, but you should think seriously about how that would affect the older sibling. I would like to do it when my oldest is 18 BUT if he was in university, that could mean either him dropping out or the rest of them moving to the city.

You are so right, Trent; this is an agonizing and extremely though-provoking question. Although we live in the U.S., all of my boyfriend’s family is in Brazil, so we face the same legal implications as a previous reader with relatives in Canada. We decided against naming any grandparents as guardian because of their age. (Good point about not wanting the children to deal with the loss of both parents and grandparents!)

However, if we name one of my siblings (I have eight) as guardian, we also have to ensure that they are willing to take out children to Brazil to visit the family there at least once a year, and vice versa. This gets into the question of finances and can the new guardian afford this burden of travel? Can we provide for this expense through the living trust? What happens if our children are not legal age but the decide they want to live with their relatives in a different country? There are so many possibilities to consider, and I really appreciated the obvious thought and sensitivity which went into the advice you provided.

It’s a big decision and we hope nothing happens to us, but life is uncertain and you never know what will happen.

I know of a case where a widow died out of state while there with her child. Without detailed instructions, her sister (who is a perfectly qualified and willing guardian) had to spend several weeks and lots of travel costs over several months to prove that she should be the guardian.

Of course, you need to validate thee plan with the guardian. You must also validate with the trustee if you have assets to pass along. These should not be the same person.

When you go to ask the guardian, you might also want to explain to them the financial situation that you have set up. Some guardians might be perfect due to character, but they might be afraid to agree if they were forced to bear all financial burden, so you should be ready to explain how you have planned financially. On the other hand, if you have already set up the trust and trustee, you can be sure as you explain the details that the potential guardian is not agreeing to receive a windfall.

At age sixteen, my parents discussed with me and my younger sister the arrangement to ensure that we were OK with the potential guardians. It was a socking conversation but for the best. Thankfully, we never needed that plan.