“Rich Friend, Poor Friend” …

Almost every social situation is tied into social status, and when income becomes disparate, often status does as well.

Don’t be afraid to honestly talk things over, and also don’t be afraid if friendships slowly drift apart over time – if people begin to spend their time in different worlds, it’s bound to happen … ”

What does this mean? If my friends advance to a different income level, I should just cross their names off the list and stick with my own kind?

Would these authors make the same assumption about siblings? “Don’t be afraid to let your relatinship with your brother drift away. If he makes a lot more money than you, it’s bound to happen.”

Or would they offer suggestions for bridging the social gap?

I get so frustrated with this type of thinking. I have relationships that I’ve built over 15-20-25 years that are far closer than those I have with my siblings. The word “friend” is so nondescriptive … it’s used to describe the relationhip I have with the former work buddy I talk to once a year and the person I talk to every day.

“Family” conjures up something equally inaccurate … I know so many kids who grow up and move hundreds or thousands of miles away from their parents and siblings, with zero involvment or investment in their daily or weekly lives. Yet “family” is elevated to some precious position of guaranteed intimacy and support, while “friendship” is treated as something to dispose of at the first hint of conflict.

Bah.

No wonder so many people rush into another marriage as soon as they get divorced. (And second marriages have a very high failure rate).

This culture doesn’t teach the value of investing in and leaning on people outside of your own living room. The langues reflects it.

I feel like the expectations are very, very different on different sides of my own family (one far less well off than the other, and with the lower income side both expecting and providing significantly more financial support between family members as who’s currently in harder times shifts) as well as in my family compared to my husband’s (an immigrant from south asia, where particularly males are very, very strongly expected to share financially in costs necessary for the education and weddings etc of their younger relatives).

It’s much harder to insist “you have no obligation to support your cousin’s educational career… just don’t do it” if you yourself were the product of such a cultural system, with your own education having been assisted by other older relatives – and those at the borders of different cultural / socioeconomic groups can be left in pretty difficult situations, I think….

“If you lend $50 to a friend and you never see him again – - it was worth it…”

I loaned money to a relative once, and it was a disaster. She signed a promissory note, but there was always a reason why she couldn’t even pay back ten bucks a month (but she could buy CDs and clothes). After I started getting harsh about it, she finally paid me back. The relationship has definitely changed, though. I think we were becoming more distant anyway, but I am quite sure I will never be close to her again. I should not have loaned the money to begin with — not because we were related, but because I have credit card debt, and I only charged the interest rate of the lowest rate debt I had, not the highest, which was stupid of me, but I felt sorry for her. When I think about it now, I figure I should have charged 18% because it was money that could have gone on credit cards, plus another 5 or 10% because if you are desperate enough for that kind of loan, you are high risk to not pay it back! Thankfully, I already knew about not cosigning, because we have also been asked to do that (although joke’s on them — we would probably have hurt their chances with our credit scores).

We’ve also had clients who have been in the situation where a bride or groom comes into the picture when the children are grown and wills are changed and children are written out and the will is opposed by our firm. Death and what happens after is one of the most difficult issues to deal with, but absolutely must be dealt with.

Drives me crazy…sorry I had to rant about it.

I would hate to live in a family where no one felt they could come to me if they needed temporary financial help and where I felt I couldn’t turn to them for the same thing. I’d rather deal with potential strain than see my family members suffering when I know I can help. Of course, it always depends on the circumstances…

Drinks (of the alcoholic kind) are paid for by whoever orders them, but sodas and juices are just added to the bill, to be as evenly divided as possible between all participants. The tip is also evenly divided.

And if there is borrowing to be done, you don’t eat out with them again until after they pay you back.

Getting money back from a delinquent friend:
If it’s less than $5, don’t expect to be paid back. It’s okay to remind them that they still owe you for that coffee, but it probably makes life a lot easier if you just ask that they buy you a coffee back.

If they’ve borrowed more than $10 from you, don’t go out with them again until they’ve paid you back. It’s not punishing them–it’s so that you don’t get shafted with the onorous task of paying for everything all the time.

Set a low cap on your tolerance for debts, because then if they’re willing to ditch you because you won’t shell out, you’ll probably realize they’re not the kinds of friends you want.

Their advice basically is unless you’ve been consistently insisting on more expensive restaurants against your dinner partner’s wishes, then it’s completely fine to ask to split the check.

I agree completely, which is why I was puzzled a while back when you lauded the absence of communication (giving $10,000 to a cousin to start a business without even talking about what your expectations are if the business succeeds) as “personal trust.” But maybe I misunderstood you.