Comments on: You Can’t Buy Love

By: Lola

Lola — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:03:44 +0000

Once I really had a bad fight with my husband, and it was all his fault, as usual. I didn’t even want to talk to him. Then he left me a package of M&M’s with a note “There’s more where this came from”. And of course he meant the supermarket, but I had to forgive him for his sense of humor.
http://www.escrevalolaescreva.blogspot.com

By: Linda

Linda — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 23:25:31 +0000

Gosh, I used to work for bob #17 and he treats his employees the same way. What is with that guy? I can only think that his ego is SO fragile that he can never be wrong.

Sad, ain’t it?

By: nebula61

nebula61 — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 17:27:25 +0000

I think the first impulse of buying someone a gift to make up for something is rather denigrating; sort of what you would do for a child, not a grown woman. Now, maybe there are those who would prefer the gift (obviously there are, from responses listed here) and maybe you meant no disrespect with the gesture (I’m glad you thought better of it) but I would much prefer a sincere apology and reformed behavior in the future. That shows respect and affection–to remember NOT to do it next time! Gifts should be given from an open heart, not a guilty one.

By: jana

jana — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 09:40:11 +0000

if my husband did something bad to me, i would surely liked much more not just a talk, but also flowers or something. and i am not a gold-digger, and make decent money: it is just that this kind of thinking “i might buy her a gift”… “no, i will just talk eith her instead” seems more like the man thinking about how not to spend his money on her. and maybe it reminds me of people who have tried to “save” by not buying me things, even things they promised, so i am more sensitive to that (i had it as a kid-ie i never got new clothes, and some old ones were very yucky. i have dated men who were in it because i am succesful. etc:)

By: Misty

Misty — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 18:47:37 +0000

Trent- I bet your wife feels much better now about your “stupid mistake” after reading this post! See, this was a simple solution and didn’t cost a thing.
We all do dumb things in marriage, but hearing my husband truly apologize and tell me that what he did was incredibly dumb makes me feel much better!

By: Gretchen

Gretchen — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:47:44 +0000

Ultimately, what would the purpose of the gift be in this case? To show your wife that you were willing to give up something important to you (money) in order to show her that you care and that you are sorry. What you give up doesn’t have to be money – it can be time or attention even.

I don’t know that buying a gift in such cases is always a bad idea – it depends on what you did wrong. Sometimes, getting a little something that shows that you know the person and are paying attention to him or her can be a good thing, just not always.

By: Christine

Christine — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 14:30:01 +0000

I think it depends on the nature of the “transgression” and the gift – only you and your wife know each other well enough to choose the right action.

I find that the bigger the screwup, the less likely a material gesture will ease the situation.

And it sounds like your wife is a very loving and forgiving woman in general. But if you sincerely apologize (gift or not) and the other party has trouble accepting it, it’s really their problem from that point on.

By: CyanSquirrel

CyanSquirrel — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 13:38:22 +0000

Ah Trent, you’re a real gem! Your wife is very lucky to have you. A man that thinks about things on the level you do is a man to keep. You remind me a lot of my own husband, although he’s a little rougher around the edges (not so intellectual, more grunt, ha!), but he has the same heart and respect for women that you do. If you have any sons, I have a feeling they have a great role model in their life. Thank you.

By: Mayank

Mayank — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 12:32:02 +0000

Yes, it is possible for us men to communicate about relationships. Only, we require much less communication that our counterparts :)

By: Katie

Katie — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 11:52:50 +0000

Are you sure that it is possible for men to communicate about their relationships? My husband is trying to convince me that non-communication in marriage is good/desired/normal. (I need a ‘rolling my eyes’ smiley!)

By: Jenyfer

Jenyfer — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 10:34:29 +0000

I can’t believe no one has asked what you did, Trent! lol–have a great weekend

By: reulte

reulte — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 09:10:25 +0000

How to apologize . . .

1). I’m sorry (if you truly are; can be amended with reasons if applicable)

2). It won’t happen again (otherwise, I’m an unfeeling jerk and why do I bother apologizing or you can say “I’ll try not to let that happen again”.)

3). What can I do to make it up to you? (tossing the ball into their court for a request for dialogue, a gift, a cuddle, or simply acknowledgement that feelings are hurt).

My family finds this apology very effective.

By: Rob

Rob — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 02:00:37 +0000

The time to give the gift is BEFORE you make the mistake, not after.

By: Jessica

Jessica — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 23:58:31 +0000

Another recommendation for the Five Love Languages-I’m not at all the relationship book reading type, but we read this for pre-marital counseling and it’s a great book. I appreciate that it doesn’t make sweeping generalizations about gender relations, but rather focuses on the idea that people feel they are being loved in different ways, and that love is not just feelings but actions.

By: Sara

Sara — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 23:02:48 +0000

Good points. Besides, buying make-up gifts only conditions you or your loved one to hold grudges and potentially communicate less, seeing as there’s always a payoff for it.

My husband would take a buyoff as an insult, like I’m treating the same as a cranky three-year-old, and he wouldn’t be wrong in being upset about that.

By: Jenny

Jenny — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 22:49:42 +0000

No, money can’t buy love and communication is of ultra importance in a marriage. But, sometimes those little apology gifts really are swell.

By: constant learning

constant learning — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 22:42:20 +0000

I echo the reference to The Five Love Languages. People feel loved by various expressions of love. The love languages are: gifts, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and words of affirmation.

I feel most loved through quality time and physical touch. My sister in law feels most loved through gifts. If I apologized to her, I would apologize and include a gift as an indicator of how much I love her (it doesn’t need to cost money – it is the token of love that means so much to her). If someone was apologizing to me, I would appreciate them taking the time to listen to my hurt, discuss what happened, and reach out and hug me.

By: Benjmain

Benjmain — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 22:15:54 +0000

Unfortunately, there are a few vein men and women out there who’s “love” can be bought!

Rarely do such relationships last, but some do!

By: imelda

imelda — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:52:15 +0000

I concur with you Trent, up to a point. I say, do everything you said in this article…and *then* give her a gift! Couldn’t hurt, eh?

By: Shevy

Shevy — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:18:09 +0000

I’m glad I’m not married to Bob! That’s very abusive and manipulative behavior if he was serious.

I’m of 2 minds about the concept. If I was really mad about something, getting something that I really like would be nice along *with* the apology (bringing home Starbucks or some Godiva Chocolate, for example) but I don’t want the first thing his eye lit on at 7-11 and I don’t want it to be a case of giving a token gift excuses any kind of behavior.

In other words, show me you care about me and the incident isn’t the true you. Don’t try to bribe me so you can continue to behave badly.