What is important is to make sure she could access and deal with financial information if her husband became incapacitated for some reason. That could mean something as simple as him creating a sort of “how-to” document, telling her where it is, and making sure she has access to it. If she is that resistant to knowing the details of the family’s financial workings, no amount of “convincing” is going to work. Make sure the basics are covered and she can handle an emergency, and let it go. Some people are just not interested.

He wants to brief her. (He’d be thrilled if she actually helped maked decisions, but he’d settle for at least knowing what they had where and why.) She refuses to listen.

Her mother was mentally ill and she has talked about watching her mother blow 2 weeks worth of grocery money on clothing and toys for the kids while she (age 10) tried to talk her into buying them some food to eat. I’m sure that contributes, but she did live on her own in high school (after her mom was committed) and college so she can handle money. She just doesn’t want to.

I went through all your old book reviews and linked to the reviews of the two or three I thought would be best for her. She didn’t click through. I forward her articles from the Wall Street Journal (one or two a week) that I think are both interesting and relevant to her. She never comments on the financial ones, just the religious, political, health, and educational ones.

Any suggestions?

How do you approach the friend/spouse/family member without being a snooty know-it-all? Is there a non-confrontational, non-intervention-ish, nice, friendly way to say “please let me help you” and actually get them to listen?

I suppose at a certain point (unless you have shared finances, like in a marriage with a joint bank account) you have to just say “it’s your money, do what you want” — but it’s hard to step back and watch someone make bad financial choices when the good choices can be so simple (like setting up automatic transfers into a high-interest savings account)!

Good points, though Trent. I heart this site because you really do give advice to people on various levels of the financial spectrum :), whether its reminding people who have made it out of the hole where they came from, or helping people who are dealing with some heavy burdens.

–Do they have a fiduciary responsibility? This means they have a legal obligation to put your needs ahead of their own.

–How much experience do they have? How long have they been managing money?

–What is their track record? They need to show you their own track record, which would be a composite of the results of their previous clients’ investments. Any adviser who refuses to show you at least a five year track record of their performance should be crosses off your list.

–Do they get paid on commissions? Is so, it is not good to work with them. As mentioned above, it is important to select a fee-only advisor.

–Will they charge a surrender fee? If there is a surrender charge then that means there was a commission. If there is a commission then you are not dealing with a fiduciary adviser. You should be free to move your money out of an investment if you are dissatisfied. This means you should never own a product with a surrender charge.

We recently wrote an article about this. If you would like to read the whole article visit http://www.moneymanagerslive.com/paragonwealthmanagement/2008/05/are-you-happy-w.html.

“I am a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.”

Thank you all for your response to my question.

My advisor picks out options I might be interested in, tells me in small words what’s good and bad about each of them, and helps me put together a plan. She’s fantastic for me, who tends to panic when dealing with numbers that represent money.

The person receiving the help/advice is likely already stressed due to the situation itself. Many people go for the “I’ll deal with it later” approach, which is the most damaging choice to make, as they will likely never “deal with” the financial mess. Once they collect all their bills, bank statements, and credit reports, it is often very overwhelming. When you find out you have $100,000 in student loan debt and that it will take over 30 years (at $250 per month, for example) to pay off, that figure (hopefully) becomes very real, very quick. More damaging is thousands of dollars of credit card debt at 25% interest!

Having a “calm demeanor” is useful, as the person helping sort all the finances can (in most cases) make sense of the situation in short order. Explaining the true situation and laying out a plan for reducing debt (or in some cases, moving the money from a 1-3% return on savings to a higher-yield investment) can create tension, as the person needing help may not understand or be willing to accept the recommendations. If someone with a short temper were to help this person, they would likely storm off, angry that the person in need ignored their help altogether. The person with a “calm demeanor” will likely be more accomodating and further explain their position/suggestions.

This task is not for a person that simply “goes with the flow”.. some stern talking is occasionally required here, as the person requesting help may have thought the situation “as-is” was working. If the situation was working as it truly should, they likely would not have come to you for help in the first place (however, they may just want a second opinion that they are on the right track – if so, encouragement is definitely in order!)

If they start justifying the spending (no matter how ridiculas the justification), just shrug and let it go. Ask similar questions now and again when similar issues comes up, almost like your presenting an option they can consider, not like you’re judging them.

Hopefully, this will start to get them thinking about what they’re spending before they automatically go out and spend it (which is the habit they’re likely in now). You could confront them directly, but they’ll likely never listen or fight you tooth and nail to stubbornly justify their attitude. As an option to consider, they may feel they have a choice and take it as their choice, rather than following your choice for them.

She works in accounting yet they can’t pay their bills. It’s not lack of knowledge or ability or skills, it’s the NEED to buy stuff and I don’t think that’s something that can be fixed without psychotherapy. Willpower can only go so far.

“keep your income as high as possible and keep your debt as low as possible”

Speaking from experience, there are some lessons you need to figure out on your own, and screwing up with money seems to be one of them. Not true of everyone, of course- some people are more on the ball than others- but it does seem to be one of those life things. You can tell her that you’re concerned for her, and tell her you’re willing to help if she wants help, but otherwise, it’s probably best to leave it go, unfortunately. She’ll figure it out when she’s ready to, and there’s not much anyone can do to hurry that along.

I agree with Trent in that the average person would rather “set-it-and-forget-it” when it comes to savings. I like to manage my money and I still apprecaite the surpise when I look at my savings account after a few months of automatic contributions.