This year my husband and I are going to put our foot down so to speak. We have agreed that the part we like the most about Christmas Eve (which we always spend at my parents house) is opening gifts and yummy food and limiting how long we spend at their house so we can get home at a reasonable hour.

Christmas morning is limited as the kids go to their mom at noon. We have some traditional items to eat, open our gifts and hang out before the kids have to be taken to their mom. My husbands parents will be seeing the kids either Christmas eve after we get them at noon and before dinner or another day.

To Awesome mom (comment 25), my husband and I ask my bonus kids (and help if necessary) to go through their stuff and put a donate bag together of items they no longer use. Not only does this help in making room for the new items they receive at Christmas. It’s a great reminder to them of the less fortunate. My husband and I actually don’t spend too much money on them but try to choose a few great things that they will love. Birthdays are spent doing an experience – one year it was rock climbing – one year it was horse back riding, etc.

My BS (bonus son) plays guitar so we are going to find him an effects pedal for his guitar (he’s 13) and my BD (bonus daughter) loves beading and reading so we are planning on getting her some beads she can’t really afford for herself (she’s 14) and some books she would love.

Erika (comment 35), my in laws are the WORST when it comes to Christmas (or any time of the year for that matter). They overspend on the kids (and us when we were speaking) like crazy. They have gone through one bankruptcy and were facing another. They don’t have friends or any real hobbies except their grandchildren and that is where they choose to focus. Yet they go overboard to the extent they undermine my husband and myself when it comes to parenting etc. Last October we attempted yet again to have a conversation with them about this and unfortunately it went very badly. We have not spoken to them since then. I won’t go in to details here but suffice it to say that if they were more respectful of their role as grandparents instead of trying parenting all over again I believe things would have gone differently.

Thanks for all of the great tips!

I think my new tack this year, will be to have a gift exchange between us cousins, and hope the adults start opting in. It’ll help at least.

She finds it “difficult to relate to the life of a person who can throw around money so easily”? What a ridiculous concept! She doesn’t have to relate to some stranger with money. She can more easily relate to her beloved and loving aunt or to the sister who grew up with her mother. Why does Maggie feel so … bewildered? Undeserving? … Does she feel this only with the aunt who gives well-thought-out, perfect gifts simply because they’re pricey or does she feel this about most gifts in varying degrees depending upon their monetary worth. Maggie may need to consult with a good friend or counseler about her own feelings.

Having said that, I do realize that some people use gift-giving as a show of power and superiority. If Maggie believes her aunt may be that type of person, then Maggie needs to decide how she should act in the future.

http://www.flylady.net/pages/ClutterFreeGiftsC.asp

When Trent said that “Maggie reacts to it [the gift-giving] with only mild happiness,” it sounds like several posters assumed that Maggie expressed this “mild happiness” outwardly. On re-reading the fourth paragraph, I took away that Maggie’s mix of emotional and intellectual responses is an INTERNAL struggle for her. Nowhere did I read that Maggie gives her aunt a “gee, thanks” response with all the gusto of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

A great friend of ours is a clinical psychologist in his 80s, with much wisdom about life. He’s adamant that emotions cannot be prescribed — that no one should tell another person how they *should* feel. If Maggie feels a mix of emotions about gifts from her aunt, then she’s got every right to those feelings.

How Maggie outwardly demonstrates appreciation to her aunt is a separate issue from the emotions she feels inside. I agree that gracious acceptance of gifts is important, even if the gifts stir some internal turmoil. I believe it’s possible for sincere gratitude and mixed emotions to co-exist–I don’t think they are mutually exclusive.

That said, I do think that managing her own emotions is Maggie’s responsibility. Trent’s post gave me the impression that Maggie is basing her OK-ness on her aunt’s behavior, i.e. “I won’t feel OK inside unless my aunt changes her gift-giving habits.” We’ve got some challenging gift-givers in our own extended family, and I’ve come to realize I can’t change their behavior, just my own.

So now I give small $15 – $20 gifts to nieces and nephews and their children. This is ok, but I just wonder if there isn’t a better way to use my limited funds. I figure if I have such buyers remorse that maybe gift cards would be a better choice.

Trent, would you have any opinion of how old Maggie is? I’m nosy and also I wonder if her parent(s) benefit from this largess as well.

Picture a family that usually gives modest gifts each holiday season. One year, for whatever reason, someone buys extravagant gifts. Starting the next year, the rest of the family won’t feel comfortable giving the same modest gifts as the past, for fear they’ll look cheap compared to the recent extravagance. So everyone’s gifts get a little fancier….. The authors describe a kind of “consumer arms race”, where “defensive” maneuvers may reach the same end result as a purposeful “offensive” decision. And compare the ways out — starting a new tradition of Secret Santas or limit on gift costs — as the equivalent of an arms control treaty.

I just told the people in my little guy’s life that my favorite childhood memories were when I spent time with people I loved. I don’t remember what I got for my sixth birthday as much as I remember the time I went with my dad to the state fair, or when I went to the zoo with my parents. Even a spur of the moment picnic was more memorable than most of my Christmas presents. Funny thing is….they pretty much felt the same way. (Toss in the fact that you don’t have to worry about sizes, batteries, mailing and packaging costs, and it looks even better!)

So now we’re taking the squirt out on a day trip to Des Moines for the zoo, we’ll go off to the Children’s Museum in Coralville, and maybe we’ll sneak in a trip to a pick-your-own apple farm around here when his godfather gets here in late September. We’ll take longer trips when he gets older and let him in on deciding what to see and where to go.

They’ll get to enjoy him, he’ll get to enjoy their company, and everyone will have a memory that will last longer than this year’s “must have” overpriced, overhyped gift that he might play with for all of twenty minutes.

Claire, how about suggesting a secret Santa gift exchange as a -fun- alternative to all the shopping and wrapping and stress. Draw names and take the time to get something really special (which doesn’t have to mean expensive) for the person. Start lobbying early. If you get buy in from enough relations, the rest will fall into line. Honey instead of vinegar, you know?

Awesome Mom, we do a giant toy sort and donate before Christmas. Outgrown clothing, old toys, etc are given to Goodwill before the new batch of presents arrive. The anticipation of new stuff makes letting go easier (she’s 5, so it’s a learning process). We also do a gift tree each year where she takes some of her piggy bank money to buy a gift for a child her age. Finally, I give specific gift recommendations to friends and family (Amazon wish list rocks for this) of books, toys she’s specifically requested (with an emphasis on educational ones), and art supplies she needs more off (where does the PlayDoh go?). Keeps the plastic cruft down a bit.

Finally, poor poor Maggie. I tell you what, why doesn’t she send the Kindle to me? I could take it off the oppressed girl’s hands. I promise to appreciate and value it, write a heartfelt note of thanks to the Aunt, and mail it with a box of homemade truffles or cookies.

If one can afford it, it’s not overspending.

Generous gifts do not necessarily lead to the ends stated in the article.

We equally disagree on inheritance. I tell my parents that I expect 0. He finds it insulting that my parents will not have money to give us when they die. He expects money from his parents who have struggled and worked hard all their lives.

It is a difficult balancing act and we are still trying to figure it out.

I made the suggestion one year (several years ago) that we do a secret santa name draw and it has caught on with my family. Everyone really seems to enjoy it and it is now tradition on our Thanksgiving get together to draw names. We set a $50 limit and each person buys for one other person.

Of course, we still go a little nuts and buy for all the kids but that is up to each person and the rules are ‘ no getting mad if others get more gifts’. Each person is “guaranteed” one gift. :) I think last year I got 2 or 3 gifts (mom and hubby still insist on buying me stuff). I’m fine with that. It was more than enough.

I know families who do it different ways so just figure out what works for you guys. :)