Comments on: Our Path to (Finally) Merging Our Finances

By: reulte

reulte — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:20:15 +0000

Heidi – #40 — At some point make a comment that concentrates on your achievement of paying off the bill rather then a ‘confession’ of debt. Maybe something like, “I love paying off this bill (waving envelope with enclosed check or pointing to computer screen) it gets me so much closer to being out of debt.” Don’t let him pay off so much as a penny. This is your debt and your accomplishment when you finish paying it. Don’t get into a serious conversion about debt at that time. That isn’t your intent; your intent is to (1) let him know that you have some debt and (2) that you’re interested in paying off your debt by yourself and (3) signal your interest in revealing more of your private life (money is about as private as many people get).

By: reulte

reulte — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:05:44 +0000

Sorry – that should be Danielle – #45

By: reulte

reulte — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 15:23:13 +0000

Danielle – #23 Very true — but that doesn’t seem to stop many people.

By: guinness416

guinness416 — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 00:08:16 +0000

Aye, aye BonzoGal. I certainly don’t have the time or inclination to micro-manage how much my husband spent on beer or groceries or whatever last month. As long as we both deposit our agreed percentage into (joint) savings/investments and the bills we respectively take care of get paid, our system works fine. But we don’t have any debt but the mortgage, or a history as adults of being irresponsible with money; maybe that makes us slightly more laissez faire.

Regardless, you don’t need to be “a fan” of any system; just do what works for you and respect others’ methods.

By: BonzoGal

BonzoGal — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 23:02:42 +0000

“I am not a fan of separate accounts for married people. Its like you’re playing the same sport but on 2 different teams.”

I don’t agree at all- my husband and I have separate checking and a joint savings. We have regular financial discussions and pay for purchases together. We have zero arguments about money. We’re both business people and enjoy having control over our own finances. He buys his things, I buy mine, and we buy ours. Rather than “same sport, 2 teams” it’s like “different players on the same team.”

By: Dawn

Dawn — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 20:36:18 +0000

I am all for “whatever works” for each couple. Having been divorced, I am a strong proponent of good conversation and honesty, but I am not sure I would ever co-mingle all my finances again. That’s just me though, and I know a lot of people have made it work.

By: danielle

danielle — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 16:20:22 +0000

Unromatic as it seems, I’m all for a pre-nuptual (or even a post-nup) – especially if you haven’t had that embaressing money conversation with your partner.

reulte @ 8:18 am September 8th, 2008 (comment #20)

Um, if you haven’t had that “embarassing money conversation” you aren’t ready to get married!

By: Kate in Canada

Kate in Canada — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 15:44:45 +0000

What works for my partner and me is a bit of both … the mortgage account, savings account and HELOC are joint, we each have our own chequing accounts, and each month I tell him how much the utilities bills are and he puts an equal amount into the “groceries/pets/household” jar. What we do NOT have – and never will – is shared/joint credit cards, because we have such totally different feelings about them. He uses his a lot because he finds them more convenient than cash, where mine (and I have only one) lives in the back of my wallet and is for true emergencies only. It’s not a system that would work for every couple, but it’s been working well for us for almost thirty years.

By: katy

katy — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 15:40:25 +0000

not case, cash.

people, don’t be fools. don’t close your checking or savings accounts and put all your money into an account with anyone.

By: katy

katy — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 15:38:01 +0000

well, i’ve been divorced, and my husband/best friend wiped out our joint checking account when i told him i wanted a divorce. i couldn’t buy groceries without a credit card. big mistake closeing our my checking and savings accounts to joint checking with that scumbag.

now remarried for over umpteen years, we each have our own checking and savings. i give him case for rent and other expenses and he does the same. just easier.

By: CAgirl

CAgirl — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 15:31:25 +0000

We’re debating if we should get joint accounts when we get married next year. We’ve been living together for a year now and have a system that works well for us. I make more than he does so I cover 55% of the rent and 60% of the utilities, but we split groceries, entertainment and dinners out equally. We have separate checking accounts and separate savings, but we did just open one joint savings to save for a house. I handle all of the bills and keep track of what his share is for the utilities. He gives me all receipts so I keep a running tally of who owes how much depending on utilities and grocery bills. Every once in awhile if the total is too high, whoever is in the red will pay off their share, but usually we just keep track so if I owe him due to large grocery bills, I might cover the next few grocery runs to bring it even. We keep the rent apart from that tally; he just gives me a check once a month for his share of the rent. Debating on opening a joint account, but since I have substantially more debt, not sure how it would work.

By: Heidi

Heidi — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:35:56 +0000

My question is WHEN to start communicating so openly about finances.

I have a boyfriend whom I have been dating for about 9 months. We’re starting to get more serious, but not to the point where we’re thinking of getting married or moving in together. But if we get there, I’ll be embarassed to tell him that I have both credit card debt and student loans. The CCs should be paid off in the next 11 months; is it realistic to try to hide that debt until it’s gone?

This was never an issue with my ex-fiance because he also had some debt, so the shame factor wasn’t really there. However, the current BF is from a seriously wealthy family (think boarding schools, maids, and traveling abroad for a long weekend just because he feels like it), and I’m afraid he just wouldn’t understand… and worse yet, that he would judge me negatively for the debt. My sister’s marriage failed in part due to her ex-husband’s opinion of her debt and what he thought it implied not only about her but about how our parents raised her. Admitedly he was an ass, but I’m scarred by that situation now.

I want to let the BF know when the time is right: I don’t want to do it prematurely, but I don’t want to wait so long that he thinks I’ve been lying to him. Can anybody make a recommendation?

By: reulte

reulte — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:18:30 +0000

JReed -#10 — Actually, I don’t think that every state automatically assumes joint money (or community property). I believe it depends upon various facts such as if accounts are mingled or if the money is a gift to one partner.

Unromatic as it seems, I’m all for a pre-nuptual (or even a post-nup) – especially if you haven’t had that embaressing money conversation with your partner.

By: Kevin

Kevin — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 13:38:16 +0000

My wife and I are all joint, but we use a credit card for nearly everything and pay it off each month. That way, both know what has been spent for the month – and it makes the accounting much easier for me to track in Quicken. No worrying about bouncing anything due to forgotten ATM withdrawals or debit transactions.

By: danielle

danielle — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 13:04:47 +0000

DH and I combined finances when we got engaged. It is easy to combine almost zero and almost zero! now, with more $$ coming in, I do the finances/budgeting/investing, we have an open “State of the Union” monthly where we talk about our relationship, $$ whatever. It is very honest and open.

We don’t fight about money because we set goals together and are on the path together– kind of a revised Dave Ramsey path.

I am not a fan of separate accounts for married people. Its like you’re playing the same sport but on 2 different teams. But hey, I know tons of people that it does work for. not for us!

By: battra92

battra92 — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:56:17 +0000

I think legally before someone gets married they should have to take financial counseling classes. It’s quite annoying and depressing at how there are married couples who still can’t handle any sort of finances (I know friends of the family who use cash for 100% of their finances because they could never manage a checkbook.)

I would talk money and finances with all my past serious girlfriends. Most of them were broke ass daddy’s girls and thought that I was just going to provide infinite shopping money for me.

Two can live as cheap as one but I’ll pay the difference to stay single and sane. ;)

By: Eric

Eric — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:41:21 +0000

I have been taking advice from this blog for what must be years. I am very surprised that the what I thought were obvious benefits of joint finances hadn’t been made clear after five years of marriage. I don’t mean this as a negative, just an example of how people can ignore things in their lives. While my wife and I had made our finances joint after a comparatively short period of time we probably waste a great deal of money in some other, but equally as ignored area, probably because that is just how it was always done, or whatever. So, what I mean to say is, congratulations on digging out the details and bringing the blurry reality of the day-to-day into focus.

By: Ingo

Ingo — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:19:15 +0000

Seven years into marriage, I am just now adding my wife’s banking/spending details to my GnuCash accounting. I’ve alsways had a pretty good idea of her general situation, but not the details and occasionally I’ve been surprised – by the amount of credit card debt she’d piled up, for example.

I think we’ll still keep separate accounts (she likes her bank, I like mine – she uses ATM, I use tellers), but just getting an overall focused picture of our combined situation should really help in these leaner times.

The delay for us to merge has primarily been the privacy issue you stated. I’m an open book, but my wife is more private about her finances and I’ve always respected that. But as others have said, there are ways to both manage the joint money as well as keep ‘private’ slush funds. That’s my goal.

By: Ryan @ Smarter Wealth

Ryan @ Smarter Wealth — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 09:22:06 +0000

I am about to get married and this is something I am thinking a lot about. Should or shouldn’t I combine my finances with my wife into just one bank account.
I am still unsure but thinking through it at the moment. Thanks for your story

By: plonkee

plonkee — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 08:53:02 +0000

@Todd A (#14):
Of course it’s a realistic option. Any option that works is a good one.