Every person and situation needs to be considered on its own merits.

While my parents gave up a lot for my childhood and education, they gave me the bill when I started my first full-time job. This included commercial rates of rent for my room backdated to when I turned 18, including time I had studied abroad when they had rented it out to lodgers (but I had to pay “storage” for my desk and bed).

Whenever I stay with them now, I get an invoice for using their spare room (I have only stayed with them once in the past 7 years… it would be MUCH cheaper to get a hotel!).

I feel that they have their finances well enough in hand to look after themselves. I would not discuss their finances with them in case they decide I should shell out for something else I’ve forgotten about from 20 years ago (with interest added).

So far I have paid them money when they’ve made their demands, but feel that they have lost a child-parent relationship and gained a customer-style acquaintance instead.

Therefore I don’t see myself getting involved if disaster strikes – sounds cold, but I have a sibling who is VERY interested in an inheritance from them, and a strong sense of entitlement to it, and I feel that they deserved to be looked after by someone so commited to their own bottom line.

I can’t see this attitude changing even as age takes its toll – you reap what you sow.

1) Make sure your parents set up a good life insurance policy especially if one parent brings in more money than the other. That was our saving grace.

2) Set up a will or trust.

3) Parents should teach each other about their finances, how they pay their bills, why they have their accounts set up the way they do, what they pay from what….this was a disaster for my mom. She had absolutely no involvement and it was very hard to train her at 52 to start keeping track of bills. Consider going to some free financial seminars to learn the basics.

4) Have your parents keep some type of book with all your usernames, passwords, account numbers for your spouse. My father was excellent about this and we were lucky that we could log into all his accounts and track money or pay bills. Even make sure to write down any email addresses.

5) Take an interest in how your parents run their finances in case you have to step in and make some decisions. Discuss how they would like you to handle the future, and what goals they have for each other. Ask them questions about how they pay for big stuff, housing expenses, cars, tuition, healthcare.

6) Ask your parents if they have any liquid assets if one parent dies before they can access any retirement funds.

These are just a few things I know would save a lot of headaches and take a lot of stress off of the surviving spouse and family. I am a lot luckier than most since my dad had a lot of stuff set up for my mom, but I couldn’t imagine what we would have done without it. She would probably be living with me or getting a second job.

Whilst disaster can strike at any time and life can change in a second, I think for normal healthy people, this kind of conversation is one to have with retired parents in their late 60’s/early 70’s, before health issues come to the surface. My uncle is fit and agile at 72 and I couldn’t imagine my cousin who is the same age as me having this chat quite yet with his father.

But in some families these types of things are discussed all the time. In fact my father in law talked to his children & partners (me) about his funeral wishes at his 60th birthday gathering a couple of years ago and handed out copies of his will!

We didn’t realize anything was wrong with mom until she had trouble even dialing the phone in her 40s.

Some diseases like dementia require you to step in and be assertive – hopefully there are advanced directives, because guardianship proceedings are expensive and emotionally draining.

Elderly people who are terminally ill have a ”duty to die and get out of the way” instead of trying to prolong their lives by artificial means, Gov. Richard D. Lamm of Colorado said Tuesday.

People who die without having life artificially extended are similar to ”leaves falling off a tree and forming humus for the other plants to grow up,” the Governor told a meeting of the Colorado Health Lawyers Association at St. Joseph’s Hospital.

”You’ve got a duty to die and get out of the way,” said the 48-year-old Governor. ”Let the other society, our kids, build a reasonable life.”

My dad stays alive in order to provide retirement for my mom. When he dies his pension stops and she will have to rely on me, her son.

But they never went over ALL the books with a fine-toothed comb. After grandpa’s rapid decline and death a few months ago, f-i-l had to really step in and go through everything because there was much more paperwork than grandma could handle, plus she really needed to move to light assisted living. Buried in the reams of paperwork was a LOT more money than anybody had known about– small, community-based life insurance funds, purchased piecemeal through the 1950s, 60s and 70s, had snowballed into about 500K. While grandma and grandpa were always, always depression-era penny pinchers, I think even THEY would have splurged a little bit if they’d known they could have sprung for a cruise or two while they were still mobile enough to enjoy it. It’s amazing how these things get forgotten over the years…

I put a lot of effort into raising my daughter. I can anticipate that taking care of parents will also require lots of tough decisions and research. I am looking forward to it and hope that my position in life enables me to do the things I want and spend the time I want with and caring for my parents.

This is not the first time I’ve seen this sort of topic come up as younger people stuggle to find the right approach to helping their parents or family members with respect to their financial planning and or management. However…caution please! We (the senior population) are not all totally ignorant of the facts, nor have we not thought about our current and future situations. My mother at 86 is totally independent in her money management. What do I know about her situation? I know that she has a will carefully crafted to provide (if there is anything left after her life expenses are covered) for my disabled 61 year old sister and the remainder to me, whatever that may be. I know that she has health care insurance, long term care insurance, savings in CDs and one very conservative annuity (don’t ask me why…she wanted it, that’s why), and her funeral is planned and paid for. Other than that, I do NOT know how much comes in each month from her (actually my father’s) SS, and from her two small pensions, and I don’t know how much money she has in her checking account. I know that I am the executor of her estate, and that she has a living will and a power of attorney document in place. She does worry about outliving her money, but she worries about everything, including whether it will rain too much for the farmers to get their crops in and she was never a farmer in her life! She has chosen to move to a retirement apartment and can transition into their nursing home should that ever become necessary. She was widowed at age 67 and both of my parents worked all of their lives.

My situation is different, as is every single person or parent. Some will need more help than others and will want it and welcome it. On the other hand, if one of my kids came into our home and tried to tell us what to do, I can assure you I’d tell them to take a hike!! Likewise, we’ve provided them with enough information to make sure they can deal with our estate when that is necessary. They’re welcome to come see us any time and to visit and to have good family times, but frankly, just because I’m 65 and my DH is 70 doesn’t mean we’re out to pasture yet!! They all know we have a will, who the executor is, that we want to be cremated, etc., etc. And just to be ornery, I’m thinking about amending the will and adding a clause that requires them to trade off keeping our cremains in their homes for 5 or so years after we die.

Sorry about the length of this one, but this can be a really tender topic with parents, so I urge you to all tread very carefully.