Comments on: Walking Away to be a Stay-At-Home Parent

By: moolah

moolah — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 23:24:45 +0000

These are great tips and I really think that, if we can, we should take care of our children and be with them for as much time as we can. To reduce the expenses build a cashflow table where you can see the money that enter and the money that goes. Be sure that this way you noticed that some expenses can be cut withou any prejudice.

By: Sharon

Sharon — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 22:39:39 +0000

Anitra, volunteer! That is a great way to network and keep up your skills and add to your resume. Starbucks pays full benefits for a 25 hour workweek.

By: Anitra

Anitra — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 17:00:06 +0000

This is timely for me: my husband and I recently decided that if I could not cut my work hours down to 25 hrs/week or less, that I should not go back when my maternity leave ends. It’s a tough choice, but at least we are financially prepared for it, and able to even make this choice. The only major change financially is that we will be scaling back what we pay on our student loans and mortgage. (We’ve been overpaying for the past 4 years, and have paid off over 1/2 our student loans, which is another reason why we can afford to make this decision.)

It does mean I’m going to need to find ways other than work to (a) socialize and (b) keep up my skills.

And yes, insurance & keeping up skills/contacts are both VERY important. My parents got divorced after my mom had been a (mostly) stay-at-home parent for 20 years… if my dad had not been scrupulously honest in dividing their assets, she would have been in big trouble, as she could no longer work enough to fully support herself.

By: M

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 16:15:57 +0000

I, too, am a stay-at-home mom; and, I homeschool. I think she’s off to a fantastic start and the advice given in the article is perfect. As far as the homeschooling goes, I’d like to add this: This is the 3rd year of homeschooling for us, and it only gets better each year. Remember to be patient with yourself and your expectations, but if it is truly in your heart to do it, you’ll stick with it just fine. There are many options for homeschooling. You can do a Charter school, ISP with the public schools, enroll in a homeschool academy, just buy a cirriculum and use it, or make up your own. There are organizations that can help protect your right to homeschool. If you’re Christian, there’s HSLDA–which is national, but many states (such as California) have several groups that can help, too. There’s many homeschooing groups out there that can be a fantastic resource for support, play groups, and encouragement. I highly recommend getting involved with these.

One comment you may run into alot is “What about socialization?” (Though, usually, when I tell people I homeschool, I’m met with “Fantastic”, and other thumbs up.)

The definition of socialization is this: the process by which a human being beginning at infancy acquires the habits, beliefs, and accumulated knowledge of society through education and training for adult status (Merriam-Webster).

Throwing your kids in a large group with few adults is NOT proper socialization, not even by definition. Socialization needs to be modeled for children by adults, not other children.

One of our homeschool moms on one of my message boards holds a masters in sociology, and she is a great resource for dealing with these few people who are dead-set against anyone homeschooling. Though, my best advice, is that–after you present the facts to these rare breed of people and they insist on telling your doing wrong, just move on your merry way. As the saying goes, Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Good luck and God Bless you in your decision.

By: Cindae

Cindae — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 04:08:58 +0000

WOW!!! Great planning ahead. We did this with our first. The one other thing that we had to plan ahead for was health expenses. I was the one to carry the insurance while I worked. I knew that when I quit, it would go away, so we planned ahead. Most of our well baby checks and vaccines were provided by the public health department. But we actually saved money ahead to pay for the births of our future children as well as other medical expenses.
We had always, since our marraige, lived on my husbands income, knowing that we would have me stay at home once the kiddos were born. So, we always were frugal. I nursed, and used cloth diapers and made all of my own baby food. I even hung them on the line to dry whenever weather permitted.
AND, we have always homeschooled our children. They never set foot inside a public school until they went on campus to take their AP/PSAT/SAT exams and to attend college. I take exception to the comment made by Ryan about homeschooling. Do not worry about the “SOCIALIZATION” issue. It is really a non issue. My children learned to get along with everyone, not just their peers in a public school classroom. They can (and could when they were younger) express themselves well, and interact with all ages and types of people ~ from all different types of stations and situations in life. The fact is, unless you are abusing your children and purposely withholding them from the public, that you will have so many opportunities to interact with others that you will have a hard time choosing what you will do each day. There are several studies that have proven this to be true. The National Home Education Research Institute has the results of several of them. http://www.nheri.org/. Also, The Home School Legal Defense Organization has some information that can show you that socialization is not a problem. http://www.hslda.org. There are probably several state organizations that can also give you information. Check the HSLDA site for information on your state programs. Homeschooling is the best thing that we ever did for our children. Our children were allowed to go at their own pace, and learn as they learned best. They have been allowed to pursue their interests and excell in them. They were not molested (bullied) by other kids in their classes or on the schoolyard. We set our own schedule, and when my husband had to travel for his job, we could go with him and take our school with us.
Enjoy the baby and future babies!!! Their schooling begins the day that they are born!

By: Lisa

Lisa — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 22:45:12 +0000

Perhaps it goes without saying, but it makes sense (& cents) on many fronts to space those “children” close together.

By: Vangari

Vangari — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:35:38 +0000

I have been a reader of your blog for a while. But, this is the first time I have ever written a comment on this blog.
The article is great. The only thing I did not like is ‘For things like clothes, toys, bibs, and crib sheets, hit a yard sale or a consignment shop – most stuff for babies and toddlers aren’t used much at all and you can save a bundle by buying these items used.’ A question for you. Would one buy clothes for oneself from a yard sale? Clothes that somebody has worn and used? I do not agree with the idea of hitting a yard sale for clothes, bed sheets. I would rather go to the cheapest store and buy clothes, only to buy unworn ones.

By: palm

palm — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 17:52:55 +0000

I concur with Sharon that parents who want to stay home with the kids should be certain that they are adequately insured. This issue came up when I was a child and it was unbelievably traumatic to move from being basically middle-class to sometimes eating in soup kitchens because our family was not protected against real disaster. My mom was tenacious and worked whenever she could, even though it meant we were latchkey kids to an extent that would probably make the neighbors call CPS today, so we didn’t lose our house. But we did lose things like utilities.

To this day I cannot imagine being a stay-at-home parent because we cannot self-insure against the most serious risks. C’est la vie. Instead my husband and I worked hard to find jobs we loved, with flexible hours and part-time options, and have supplemented with the best outside care we could buy for our son for the time we can’t care for him ourselves. This has been the best of both worlds for us, although I realize not everyone wants to do this. But moving to stay-at-home parenting without adequate insurance and the ability to return to work if necessary: this is crazy (and unfortunately very common). If you love your children enough to spend your life with them, you should love them enough to protect them from real risks to their security. Bad things happen.

By: Karen

Karen — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 17:13:29 +0000

Our situation is a little different, but this article was written at the perfect time for me. It brought up one aspect that my husband and I haven’t thoroughly talked about – expectations. We had a wonderful talk last night because of this article and we expect to have several more in the coming month.

We received full time custody of my husband’s 3 kids last summer and they are having a hard time adjusting due to many decisions made by their biological mom. At the end of December, I’ll be quitting my full time job of 13 years to stay at home with our 4 kids. All of the kids are in school, but our family situation is such that they really need the extra attention and help. This will also allow me to get our home back into shape where I like it to be (lets face it – going from a 3 person home to a 6 person home overnight gets a lot of things out of whack!).

Keep up the good work Trent! I really appreciate all of the articles you write.

By: wewally

wewally — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 16:52:57 +0000

Go for it, you will never regret it. We had five children and as the younger gets older my wife works a couple of part time jobs but don’t worry about your kids being insulated from society. Get them involved in church, 4-h,arts and crafts, music and they will fit into society a lot better than “school kids”.Plus they can relate to adults and will have there respect.Do check out insurance. It complicates a lot of things.

By: Sandy

Sandy — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:04:10 +0000

All of these suggestions are great. As a mom who breastfed both of my daughters exclusively, I can tell you that the best thing you can do to get your milk supply going strong is plan to nurse as much as your baby wants the first few months. That will establish your milk supply.
Support is also extremely important. If you have noone in your circle who has successfully breastfed, I encourage you to go to a La Leche League meeting prior to the birth of your baby. You will connect with moms who make this a priority in their lives, (not to mention loads of home-schooling moms who will help you with that issue!)
I made the choice to be a stay at home mom, and it’s been the best decision I ever made! (Well, my husband was a good choice:))

By: Kim

Kim — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 13:29:21 +0000

I homeschooled my kids for a few years and it was wonderful. Thay participated in many extracurricular activities and are extremely well socialized. When they reentered school they coasted for nearly a year…they were that far AHEAD. I find it amazing that people look at one or two homeschooled kids that don’t turn out so well and assume that they represent everyone. Please know that those reality TV shows troll for freaks, not healthy, well adjusted homschooling children who are progressing well. Have you every taken a good look at the large number of ill prepared and socially inempt people that public school produces. There are TONS of them everywhere and yet no one is ignorant enough to assume that EVERY person who goes to public school is a moron or pyschopath.

P.S. Ryan, insulates is not spelled insultes…what should I infer about you.

By: Ryan McLean

Ryan McLean — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 07:03:51 +0000

I will always disagree with homeschooling because I feel that it insultes your children from the real world and causes them to have poor social skills. I have seen it in many kids and I would never do it myself. Plus I have faith in our government system that the teachers who are paid to teach our children will do a good job.
But I respect that it is your choice and good luck to you

By: typome

typome — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 05:41:49 +0000

Just wanted to add that I thought it was a great article too! Thanks for sharing.

By: Becky

Becky — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:44:12 +0000

Congratulations on both the new baby and all your great well thought out decisions! I suggest you look into homeschooling groups in your area when the baby is a few months old and you are ready. Several now have toddler/park day groups and special field trips for preschoolers. It’s never too early to learn about homeschooling.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:19:13 +0000

Good for you Kendra! You are making the most important investment of all, giving your best to your child(ren). You and your husband sound like you are in an excellent position to make this change and you will not regret staying home to raise your children.

By: Karen

Karen — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:09:30 +0000

Kendra and her husband have come to a decision that in recent history has become difficult for some, but generations of moms used to automatically stay home once they had children. Don’t worry too much about it, just live simply and within your means, and remember it’s not a sacrifice, but a choice to stay home with your children. I think it’s important to find other SAHM’s through organized mom’s groups and that would include homeschooling support groups. Homeschool groups welcome moms with babies – you don’t have to wait until your child is of school age to spend a day at the park with them! Do a search of your state and homeschool and results should appear.

By: Courtney

Courtney — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 01:25:37 +0000

I second the suggestions about using cloth diapers, breastfeeding, and socializing with your child.

For the cost of our cloth diapers, I think we will be just under breaking even versus if we had bought disposables. But we plan on having more children, so we already have everything we need for when that time comes.

I was only able to breastfeed for 7 weeks due to low milk supply, and let me tell you, formula sucks. It’s ridiculously expensive, plus I feel guilty just about every time I make my son a bottle, because I know he’s getting cheated by not having breastmilk. Do absolutely everything you can to try and make your breastfeeding successful.

And, when you’re ready, check out Meetup.com for SAHM groups. I found a few there in my area that I have really been enjoying.

By: A Dawn Jornal

A Dawn Jornal — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 01:13:28 +0000

It is possible to retire on lot less than we think we would actually require. Many Rat Race related expenses will disappear – once you no longer need to do nine-to-five. Joe Dominguez discussed this well in Your Money or Your Life. Also, a book worth mentioning is Ernie Zelinski’s How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free. It is an international bestseller and sold over 100,000 copies and published in 7 languages. I interviewed him on my site as well.
Cheers,
A Dawn Journal
http://www.adawnjournal.com

By: Sharon

Sharon — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 23:21:16 +0000

Also, don’t overlook the loss of retirement income for the stay at home spouse. Particularly for young parents you lose a huge amount of compounding.

And cv is quite wrong in my opinion: disability, health and life insurance SHOULD affect the final decision about having one spouse stay home. Lacking any of the three can result in the surviving parent losing his/her entire net worth and leading to a life of poverty for the entire family. The inability to get any one of the three should be enough to lead to both spouses staying in the workforce. Unless you make enough to self-insure against life maintenance for a spouse who is a ventilator-dependent quadriplegic, those insurances are essential for your financial well-being — and the financial well-being of your children.

Too many people make decisions based on the liklihood of an undesirable outcome, rather on the ability to manage that undesirable outcome. If you can’t manage it with your existing resourses, you need to insure against it.