Comments on: The Two-Career Assumption

By: Honey

Honey — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 16:47:04 +0000

Having children falls into the category of “things everyone does that you should seriously consider before undertaking yourself.”

Jake and I never plan to have kids because we think it sounds expensive and unpleasant. We both work now, but will be able to save a lot more, do more of the things we want to do, and retire (or at least semi-retire) a lot sooner.

No one has ever given me a single reason why they think people should have kids that sounds compelling or valid.

By: reulte

reulte — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 04:14:31 +0000

Writer’s Coin (#35) — I think discussion even of the currently impossible is a great idea. I would love to be a SAH mom but since I’m a single mother, it IS impossible. However, I talk about staying at home to myself, my son (he’s 6 1/2 so there isn’t a lot of heavyweight intellectualism there but he does have surprising ideas occasionally), friends and family and some good ideas have ensued. For instance, there is a good chance I’ll quit my current work next year to become a teacher. Not only could this line up my work hours closer to my boy’s, but would permit summer vacation where we could spend days together camping or museums or road trips!

Battra92 (#36) and Carrie (#38) and PChan — Ditto!

To all those people who say that it makes more sense for the higher-wage-earner to work/the lower-wage-earner to SAH . . . life is not always about sense. All other things being equal, yes – but all other things are rarely equal. This relates back to Trent’s discussion – you can’t brainstorm, make progress to your goals as a couple if you don’t know your goals as both a couple and as individuals.

By: jana

jana — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 21:36:14 +0000

interesting article and food for thought.
i have many mixed reactions to the article and the posts – from agreeing with what Des said about “the stability, consistency, and structure of 9-5 that some people thrive in” (i used to be a freelancer and actually missed some office interaction) to disagreeing with some others. also, having to work quite a lot (i have chosen the best job for me but in my field, the salaries are not high), i do tend to have a bit of the “would i love to just do what i want because someone pays for all my expenses? yes” attitude, although i know that having money i made myself and spending them on whatever i want is also a very positive thing. so, again, interesting article

By: Marcia

Marcia — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 21:28:57 +0000

Legally, at least where I live, in a divorce I get half of my husband’s 401k.

Of course, he gets half of mine too.

By: PChan

PChan — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:54:49 +0000

@kathryn–that’s an excellent point.

By: karishma

karishma — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:33:34 +0000

From when my husband and I first started dating, the assumption was that if and when we got married and had kids, I would stay home with them.

Once our son was born however, we decided that my working part-time had many benefits that we would lose if I quit altogether. In increasing order of importance
- my income, however much reduced by only working part-time, helps us build savings, and have more of a financial cushion in case of emergencies.
- it gives me 8 hours a week of acting as an adult professional, which is good for my sanity.
- it keeps my professional skills intact, keeps me up to date on changes in my field, keeps me within the networking loop, and I don’t have a big gap on my resume if/when I go back to work full-time.
- if something were to happen to my husband’s job, it wouldn’t take any effort at all for me to jump back into working full-time.

I read a lot of career advice columns, and too many of them are from women saying “I took x years off from work to raise my kids. Now I need/want to go back to work, but I don’t know how to do it after so many years away from the field.” I don’t want that to be me, and luckily I have the opportunity to have the best of both worlds this way.

By: CNA

CNA — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:13:35 +0000

In any economy, but especially this one, it’s almost too risky for either partner to stay out of the workforce for too long unless they are constantly honing their professional skills in some way. Divorce, death, disability, or lay-offs can happen at any time, and the best partner is one that can pick up the slack for their family if they do. In my opinion, one of the biggest assets you have is your earning potential and if you let your skills lapse, you are losing that, and you can’t underestimate the difficulty of getting back into the workforce after an extended break.

It’s not just about managing on a smaller salary. It’s about long term security.

By: kathryn

kathryn — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 13:26:37 +0000

It looks like you missed one thing: Unless you are very careful, the SAH(adult) will not be putting enough away for retirement. The working partner gets Social Security, maybe 401K, maybe pension set aside automatically. The SAH(adult) gets nothing except a promise to share in the partner’s retirement money. If divorce or death intervenes, things can get complicated very fast. If you are changing from a two-income to one-income household, make sure to carefully review retirement planning for both spouses.

By: plonkee

plonkee — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 13:04:50 +0000

I actually think that the assumption that both partners in a relationship (married or not) will earn an income is a good one. Of course every couple should do what works best for them, but we don’t really want to go back to the assumption that married women don’t work – it’s particularly limiting for couples where both partners need to work, and for women (including single women) generally.

By: Fuji

Fuji — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:20:23 +0000

@PChan

The burden will fall on whichever person chooses to stay home, but in most societies, the majority of stay at home parents are women. I feel whichever person remains home should not view the accompanying job duties as a burden, but rather just part and parcel of the job.

By: bjc

bjc — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 06:37:14 +0000

This is an interesting topic for my partner and me, a same-sex couple. With two men in the family, and no children (but one cat!), there is sort of the combined assumption that both of us should be working. When my partner was laid off earlier this year, we discovered that my income (not substantial, but sufficient) was nearly enough for us to manage our fairly frugal lifestyle. He’s currently receiving unemployment benefits, but we figure that a part-time job will be enough to keep us running pretty smoothly. Plus, he’s much happier being a ‘house husband’, the cat gets some company during the day, and we have more flexibility with him making most of the meals. I think this really adds an interesting spin to the gender roles that are often brought up when discussing double-income households.

By: Ms. Clear

Ms. Clear — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:45:38 +0000

Ha! In this economy, we’ll be lucky if hubby is able to find a job after finishing grad school. I’m prepared mentally to be the breadwinner and we’ve discussed doing the SAH thing for him if it doesn’t work out. He does have a small side business and could probably find PT work.

By: PChan

PChan — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:38:43 +0000

Sure, batra. It’s just that you said “as a man” you’d like these things. I didn’t mean to be harsh, it’s just that it’s not something only men would like, but I can tell you as someone who also grew up with a SAHM and who is female, it can grate to be expected to provide these things no matter what stresses we may be going through. Homemaking is a lot of work, and it doesn’t just go from 9-5 with a lunchbreak. I grew up in a one-income home, and I have to say, my SAHM and her SAHM friends were very stressed out.

@Fuji: “There’s nothing wrong with appreciating a clean house, a nice meal and good company – it is the foundation of society and something we should all aspire to. The world would be a better place if we all had that.”

Sure, there’s nothing wrong with that, but again–why is it when SAH parenting/homemaking comes up that it’s often women who are expected to do these things? I certainly appreciate those things as well, but I don’t think I should be the only person doing them in a marriage/family simply because I’m female. For couples where the women enjoy that, that’s great, but it’s not for everyone and I think it’s rather unfair to put the burden of all the housework on the woman when the homemaking duties go longer than the average workday.

By: HebsFarm

HebsFarm — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 21:54:24 +0000

We fell right into this trap – when DH and I married, we were both working, and signed onto a mortgage simply ASSUMING that both of these incomes would continue… then the kids started coming, but there was that dang mortgage still needing to be paid. Like a lot of families, we cobbled something together that works for us. I feel good about having a reduced schedule, but I feel bad about not committing to the SAHM lifestyle. I feel good about contributing to the family with my income, but I feel bad that I don’t have time to use my home management skills to the fullest. Wish we had thought this through earlier, but it’s a clear case of 20/20 hindsight – we simply didn’t know then what we know now.

By: Becky@FamilyandFinances

Becky@FamilyandFinances — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 20:35:10 +0000

I would have to agree with Trent completely on this. I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM, but I always assumed that I would work fulltime until the first child arrives. I assumed this because that is how our society works. If a woman isn’t working without having little ones at home, she’s seen as lazy.

I am now married, but no children yet. Even working 35 hours/week at a lower-stress job, I still yearn to spend more time at home. I feel frustrated with the societal assumption that I should keep working until we have kids.

I am currently looking into transitioning into part time work at my employer. I plan on talking to my boss after I’ve gotten onto my husband’s insurance for 2009. I feel that working part time will be a great way to spend more time being a homemaker (my true “career” aspiration) and also help me get ready for when little ones come along!

By: Marcia

Marcia — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 20:33:30 +0000

I can understand wanting a clean house and dinner at 5. That’s how it was when I was growing up. In fact, my FIL teased my husband about it. Over the last three years, since I had a child, I cut my work hours from 45/wk to 30/wk. So that frees up more time with my child and for cooking (not housework though, we outsourced that).

So while dinner isn’t on the table at 5 (hubby doesn’t get home until 6), it’s certainly nice. I’m healthier and we are all less stressed. There have been about 10 colds/flus at work, and I’ve managed to dodge them all.

It can be risky to quit completely – those women married to the men who resent “having to work to bring in all the money” are at the most risk. Regardless, if you are good with money and save well (1 income or 2), you can weather a downturn for a little while.

To the Navy wife, it gets better. Both the hubby and I were in the Navy. The Ensign years are lean (living in a 60 degree F basement and eating pasta), but the LTJG and LT raises are nice ones.

By: Fuji

Fuji — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 20:12:10 +0000

“I guess in just the way I was raised and my experiences in life I always wanted that dinner at 5:00 like my dad had when we were little.

I’m old enough, smart enough and realistic enough to know that it’s never going to happen but it is something I do hope for.”

There’s nothing wrong with appreciating a clean house, a nice meal and good company – it is the foundation of society and something we should all aspire to. The world would be a better place if we all had that.
Battra, there are plenty of women (and men) who still hold those values, don’t give up hope! :)

By: Travis

Travis — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 18:20:43 +0000

My wife and I are planning to have a child next year and the subject of her staying at home is a hot topic. I’ve been crunching the numbers but it looks like the best we’ll be able to do is have her work part time around 3 days a week. Its either that or me finding another source of income. I really wish she could stay at home, I know it would be better for the baby and our family.

By: momof4

momof4 — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 17:37:28 +0000

Every family has to make their own way. I was a SAHM for 6 years, leaving a field where made significantly more than my husband to be with the kids. We planned it that way and while we had very little extra, I loved it. We were poorer re cash, but the peace in our home was amazing! I now work from home in direct sales, making half of my professional level wage, with little child care expense. I’ve found that I love the domestic life (most days anyway) and my family is thriving, and I’m hoping to never go back to full time employment outside the home.

By: Carrie Shumaker

Carrie Shumaker — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 17:18:12 +0000

@Tyler
Not sure what any of this has to do with masculinity. Hope you’re not implying that a true man has a SAH wife? That would be tiresome.