Comments on: Ten Vital Tactics for Making the “Money Talk” Work

By: Joyful Abode: Domesticity by Trial and Error

Joyful Abode: Domesticity by Trial and Error — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 16:03:37 +0000

I’m really glad we started out 100% “open”… there are no bills we’ve ever tried to hide from each other, or secret bank accounts with savings in them “just in case”, nor are there secret loans or credit cards.

Right before our wedding we combined all of our finances. We talked about how we anticipated our money “routine” would go, and found out we were basically on the same page with everything.

Talking about money isn’t a stressor for us. It’s exciting because we’re working together toward our shared goals.

That said, we don’t do EVERYthing financial “together”… I handle the day to day stuff, paying bills, watching our budget, and he researches the longer-term stuff, like which mutual funds look better and such.

So when I told him we have $45 left for the month (because we’ve put $1500 in savings this month!!!) he didn’t get angry or upset or worried. Instead, it becomes a challenge to see if we can make meals for a week out of what’s in our fridge and pantry already.

By: TStrump

TStrump — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 06:00:57 +0000

It’s sad that we just don’t talk about money more than we do.
It seems to be a taboo subject.
I’ve tried talking about money to a sibling, but they just don’t want to hear that they spend too much.

By: Dean Lund

Dean Lund — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 20:54:44 +0000

God what a delightful deep person you are. I really can’t find words to express my admiration. My comment is about the b’fast burritos——-Get a pressure cooker, the beans are ready after cooking (from dry) 20-25 min. Make your own salsa & freeze it with—-fresh tomatoes taste so much better than canned.
Again, what an inspirational story. Thanks.
DL

By: Zella

Zella — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 15:14:16 +0000

The “no yelling” rule is why we have the talk at Starbucks. We’re much less likely to yell in public (although I did storm out during our January one).

By: Matt

Matt — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 13:48:36 +0000

I feel like I practice a lot of these but still deal with a lot of accusations and no willingness to accept any responsibility. I also know from earlier discussions that the “no yelling rule” is not available to me (that’s “what she does”).

However – a lot of our financial disagreements are avoidable if we try to be proactive in our approach. I find that if I bring items to the table before an issue arises the discussion goes much better.

If I wait until we are close to running over our budget and edging through the end of a month the stress levels are higher and the argument begins.

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 13:44:15 +0000

One tactic that helps in any discussion my husband and I have is to dicuss it over a pot of tea (or coffee or whatever floats your boat). Sipping a drink and having something in your hand gives you a chance to come up with a calm response instead of sitting through an uncomfortable silence or responding in anger.

By: DDFD at DivorcedDadFrugalDad

DDFD at DivorcedDadFrugalDad — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:31:25 +0000

It all comes down to communication and identifying a common “enemy”– the financial issue.

Nice post!

By: Kiri

Kiri — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 19:58:57 +0000

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do is talk to my husband about money. When we first started talking about marriage the “is there anything else I need to know about you” question came up, and I had been dreading telling him about the credit card debt I had incurred and the amount of my student loans, afraid he would think less of me. I grew up with a very unhealthy view of money and spending, imposed on me by my father, thinking that everything in life came down to money. We agreed that we had seen our parents mistakes in dealing with communication of finances and vowed that no matter how hard it was going to be, that our finances were going to be a joint effort. In the beginning there were a lot of tears, frustration, and anger. We struggled to establish a budget and to track our finances. Now though, we are on the same page, we have a plan and budget in place and talk about our money regularly. In fact, we actually look forward to our “money talks” because we make sure there are no interruptions, we just focus on each other and our goals. We still have a ways to go in terms of paying off debt, but for the first time in either of our lives money is not this big scary monster that we try to keep hidden in the closet. And it has strengthened our relationship in many ways.

By: Christine

Christine — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 19:48:46 +0000

Great article! I have to say that the lines you’ve bolded are also good reminders for dieters.
Probably only a girl would notice :)

By: EngineerMom

EngineerMom — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 17:45:19 +0000

@the weakonomist – Difficulty in discussing money doesn’t necessarily mean there are any underlying issues in the marriage. Sometimes it just means neither person ever learned how to effectively and calmly discuss finances. Many people grow up in families in which finances are never discussed in front of the children or where bad finance management was attributed to someone being a bad person. Both situations set the person up for trouble when discussing money as an adult.

@todo – The important point is to find a communication method that works for the couple. It is much easier for some people (me included) to communicate highly emotional issues through writing, whether it is e-mail or a hand-written letter. I prefer to be face-to-face with the recipient when s/he reads it, so I usually go the hand-written route, but e-mail also provides time for the recipient to react emotionally, calm down, then respond coherently without all the emotional issues.

I like this list. There are a lot of good ideas for how to make the money talkS (definitely should be plural!) more about the numbers and goals, and less about blaming, guilt, or high emotions.

By: Kristen@The Frugal Girl

Kristen@The Frugal Girl — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 17:29:06 +0000

I dunno, todo…I find that email works pretty well for my husband and me, at least when it comes to communicating numbers. I take care of all the bill paying, so once a month I send him an email telling him where the money went, how much we have in savings, and so on. It works GREAT for us.

I think the biggest communication mistake we made was just NOT communicating about money except very occasionally. Things are so, so much better now that we are talking about it at least once a month.

By: todo es bien

todo es bien — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 16:34:17 +0000

Some good ideas here. I think that it is generally reckless to communicate regarding sensitive issues via email however. Email is great for communicating information, but extremely lacking in its ability to communicate nuance & subtlety. Money can be highly emotionally laden. Just one fools opinion, YMMV. Hope you all are having a safe and happy day.

By: Neal Frankle

Neal Frankle — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:24:09 +0000

My experience is that its important, as you point out, to get common agreement on goals before doing anything else.

Once that’s established, the rest falls in place.

Having said that, I am afraid that (according to my experience) you can’t just have the money talk once. Its a discussion about a habits that have been forged over a life-time.

Don’t be disappointed if you have to have this conversation a few times before the concepts are cemented into place.

By: Our Financial Planner

Our Financial Planner — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:21:52 +0000

Great advice. Decide where you want to go, and what you’re willing to give up.

Personally, my fiancee and I are making improvements each month. It took us about six months to get the budget thing nailed down. It’s hard, but it’s a lot better then the alternative.

By: The Personal Finance Playbook

The Personal Finance Playbook — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:44:06 +0000

I have to push my wife to talk about money. She tries to brush me off with – you handle it, but I insist that she be involved and know what’s going on, too. Hopefully, if something were to happen to me, she’d know where everything was and what to do with it.

By: the weakonomist

the weakonomist — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:14:46 +0000

I think that if there is a problem with the talking about money, there is likely a different underlying cause of the fight. Granted I only took one psych class in college, but if a couple can’t agree on money I think there is a deeper problem that must be addressed.

Whether I’m way off base or not, these are good tips Trent.

By: Trevor @ Financial Nut

Trevor @ Financial Nut — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:13:37 +0000

Well put. These tips are absolutely essential! :) Great post.

By: Curt

Curt — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:05:03 +0000

Excellent ideas. Thanks for sharing.