Comments on: Some Thoughts on Building a Successful Marriage http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/ Simple, applicable personal finance advice for the modern world Fri, 10 Feb 2012 08:16:03 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Rae http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-923416 Rae Sun, 05 Sep 2010 14:36:58 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-923416 Number #26 poster, a PhD holding psych doc, advised Trent to "stick to what he knows". Trent HAS a successful marriage. That IS what he knows! Interesting that in general, a single psychiatrist would be considered "qualified" to counsel a couple, but a married realist is not. I think if one has a disfunctional marriage and is not being willing to own responsibility for it, it could cause them to imagine the reasons are more complex than those stated on Trent's post. But from my own experience (twice married), when we apply these principles of presence, attentiveness, gratitude, reciprocity, verbal and physical affection, marriage succeeds. When we do not, it fails. My first husband is deceased, but my second marriage has come to the brink of dissolution multiple times over the years, each time being pulled back to workability by just the application of 1 or 2 of those principles. I daydream, wish, pray, yearn, for the day we manage to achieve them all. It's hard work. So much so that it's tempting to imagine that such SEEMINGLY simple things cannot possibly be the "easy" answer. Between myself and my two husbands, we have dealt with issues of childhood physical and sexual abuse and neglect, bipolar disorder, homosexuality, terminal illness, in-law problems to ths point of restraining orders, years of far below average household income, followed by the wasting of a period of far above average income, marital infidelity, psychiatrists and drugs, major household moves, and child rearing. Yes, you may have a hard time believing it, but it is all true. And I must strongly assert that while I do believe marital counselors can and do help others, I respect their work, and realize some people or situations may require them, they have done me little good. The application of simple principles is what works. Putting one foot in front of the other. My first husband actually taught himself to love me by everyday saying he did until it became true. My second husband was never touched affectionately or told he was loved by his parents and also has to force himself to do these things, and he does them very rarely. But every year it improves. We work the principles and gradually, it gets better. This reminds me of Flylady's site. She has helped thousands of people and hundreds of "extreme hoarders", who it would seem need a psychiatrist, since their homes are filthy and virtually impassible, by simply teaching them principles of "15-minutes at a time" and daily routines. People reclaim their lives and even health and marriage because of her. She has no training, no doctorate, and is a very simple homey person. Her program is free. I'm sure she annoys some doctors. Number #26 poster, a PhD holding psych doc, advised Trent to “stick to what he knows”. Trent HAS a successful marriage. That IS what he knows! Interesting that in general, a single psychiatrist would be considered “qualified” to counsel a couple, but a married realist is not. I think if one has a disfunctional marriage and is not being willing to own responsibility for it, it could cause them to imagine the reasons are more complex than those stated on Trent’s post. But from my own experience (twice married), when we apply these principles of presence, attentiveness, gratitude, reciprocity, verbal and physical affection, marriage succeeds. When we do not, it fails. My first husband is deceased, but my second marriage has come to the brink of dissolution multiple times over the years, each time being pulled back to workability by just the application of 1 or 2 of those principles. I daydream, wish, pray, yearn, for the day we manage to achieve them all. It’s hard work. So much so that it’s tempting to imagine that such SEEMINGLY simple things cannot possibly be the “easy” answer.
Between myself and my two husbands, we have dealt with issues of childhood physical and sexual abuse and neglect, bipolar disorder, homosexuality, terminal illness, in-law problems to ths point of restraining orders, years of far below average household income, followed by the wasting of a period of far above average income, marital infidelity, psychiatrists and drugs, major household moves, and child rearing. Yes, you may have a hard time believing it, but it is all true.
And I must strongly assert that while I do believe marital counselors can and do help others, I respect their work, and realize some people or situations may require them, they have done me little good. The application of simple principles is what works. Putting one foot in front of the other. My first husband actually taught himself to love me by everyday saying he did until it became true. My second husband was never touched affectionately or told he was loved by his parents and also has to force himself to do these things, and he does them very rarely. But every year it improves. We work the principles and gradually, it gets better.
This reminds me of Flylady’s site. She has helped thousands of people and hundreds of “extreme hoarders”, who it would seem need a psychiatrist, since their homes are filthy and virtually impassible, by simply teaching them principles of “15-minutes at a time” and daily routines. People reclaim their lives and even health and marriage because of her. She has no training, no doctorate, and is a very simple homey person. Her program is free. I’m sure she annoys some doctors.

]]> By: big fan http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-745573 big fan Wed, 05 Aug 2009 03:37:17 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-745573 As someone who was married 13 years and is now separated and headed to divorce, I can attest that neither me nor my spouse did most of these things on a regular basis. My ex left the marriage rather than trying to fix it but maybe it is for the best. As someone who was married 13 years and is now separated and headed to divorce, I can attest that neither me nor my spouse did most of these things on a regular basis.

My ex left the marriage rather than trying to fix it but maybe it is for the best.

]]> By: Su Prieta http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-596251 Su Prieta Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:04:37 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-596251 The most encouraging thing I take from this is that I see the same things in my own marriage, so I know we are on the right path. The most encouraging thing I take from this is that I see the same things in my own marriage, so I know we are on the right path.

]]> By: Danielle http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-547471 Danielle Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:19:25 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-547471 My husband and I decided back when we were engaged that after the wedding, the biggest priority for the rest of our lives was developing our marriage. Yes, work (and at that time, school) are important. Yes, church is important. And yes, our children are REALLY important... but nothing is more important than our marriage. So far, we've been married two and a half years... and couldn't be happier, even though it hasn't always been easy. One thing I didn't see mentioned that has worked wonders for us is that we don't, under any circumstances, fight with sex. This takes many forms. Two major ones come to mind right now... a wife refusing to kiss her husband because he's growing a beard, or either spouse refusing intimacy because they are mad or want something. Both of these can take something special and use it as a weapon that can (and in many cases, does) destroy a marriage. I don't know if this idea works for everyone, but not fighting with sex has genuinely strengthened my marriage. My husband and I decided back when we were engaged that after the wedding, the biggest priority for the rest of our lives was developing our marriage. Yes, work (and at that time, school) are important. Yes, church is important. And yes, our children are REALLY important… but nothing is more important than our marriage. So far, we’ve been married two and a half years… and couldn’t be happier, even though it hasn’t always been easy.

One thing I didn’t see mentioned that has worked wonders for us is that we don’t, under any circumstances, fight with sex. This takes many forms. Two major ones come to mind right now… a wife refusing to kiss her husband because he’s growing a beard, or either spouse refusing intimacy because they are mad or want something. Both of these can take something special and use it as a weapon that can (and in many cases, does) destroy a marriage.

I don’t know if this idea works for everyone, but not fighting with sex has genuinely strengthened my marriage.

]]> By: Cyllya http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-543393 Cyllya Sun, 01 Mar 2009 01:15:03 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-543393 @ Clinical Therapist - Your marriage has far more impact on your financial success than your toilet habits. @ Clinical Therapist -
Your marriage has far more impact on your financial success than your toilet habits.

]]> By: Kim http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-543073 Kim Sat, 28 Feb 2009 19:52:02 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-543073 I'm beginning to believe that you may be one of the smartest men on the planet. :) I’m beginning to believe that you may be one of the smartest men on the planet. :)

]]> By: Juan http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-542832 Juan Sat, 28 Feb 2009 15:58:49 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-542832 I loved the post. I just started a relationship (3 months) and at my 27 years, and I think that if you take a step back and think about these tips, seems to me that is a lot of what you do when dating. I think those little stones are key and they form an important role of building a strong base in order to move forward. I loved the post. I just started a relationship (3 months) and at my 27 years, and I think that if you take a step back and think about these tips, seems to me that is a lot of what you do when dating. I think those little stones are key and they form an important role of building a strong base in order to move forward.

]]> By: April http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-541935 April Sat, 28 Feb 2009 06:18:12 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-541935 Amazingly insightful. Marriages usually take years and years to get right but you are miles ahead of most people at such a young age. Congrats on focusing so much on your marriage (which can be challenging when you add a new business and two kids). Your family is fortunate to have such a good role model! Amazingly insightful. Marriages usually take years and years to get right but you are miles ahead of most people at such a young age. Congrats on focusing so much on your marriage (which can be challenging when you add a new business and two kids). Your family is fortunate to have such a good role model!

]]> By: Sharon http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-541174 Sharon Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:29:58 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-541174 Clinical therapist, you clearly have no understanding of what a clinical therapist does if you think that Trent's advice falls under that heading! Clinical therapist, you clearly have no understanding of what a clinical therapist does if you think that Trent’s advice falls under that heading!

]]> By: Clinical Therapist http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-540972 Clinical Therapist Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:44:41 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-540972 @Chiara - Yes, I am clinical psychologist and it is totally unethical for me to practice outside my realm of experience. This website is titled "The Simple Dollar - financial talk for the rest of us" and this discussion is about keeping his wife happy. He only knows his wife and should not be handing out advice on marriage. Reading about his toilet habits is not much better - but, at least they somehow related to the topic of finances. This discussion is way off topic, hence - out of Trent's expertise. @Chiara -

Yes, I am clinical psychologist and it is totally unethical for me to practice outside my realm of experience. This website is titled “The Simple Dollar – financial talk for the rest of us” and this discussion is about keeping his wife happy. He only knows his wife and should not be handing out advice on marriage. Reading about his toilet habits is not much better – but, at least they somehow related to the topic of finances. This discussion is way off topic, hence – out of Trent’s expertise.

]]> By: Clinical Therapist http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-540970 Clinical Therapist Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:42:34 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-540970 @Chiara - Yes, I am clinical psychologist and it is totally unethical for me to practice outside my realm of experience. This website is titled "The Simple Dollar - financial advise for the rest of us" and this discussion is about keeping his wife happy. He only knows his wife and should not be handing out advice on marriage. Reading about his toilet habits is not much better - but, at least they somehow related to the topic of finances. @Chiara -

Yes, I am clinical psychologist and it is totally unethical for me to practice outside my realm of experience. This website is titled “The Simple Dollar – financial advise for the rest of us” and this discussion is about keeping his wife happy. He only knows his wife and should not be handing out advice on marriage. Reading about his toilet habits is not much better – but, at least they somehow related to the topic of finances.

]]> By: Cyllya http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-2/#comment-540715 Cyllya Fri, 27 Feb 2009 16:08:48 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-540715 I just wanted to note that, while this is good advice, you should make sure you tailor these to your specific spouse instead of following each instruction verbatim. And on my way to say that, I found this: @ Heather "WOW! In case you were wondering, these are the things that EVERY woman wants! I think probably, on some level, these are the things every guy wants too." Don't speak for all women, you sexist pain in the butt. I can't say emphatically enough that "ask about her day, listen, and ask follow up questions" is ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE advice for anyone who doesn't want me to hate their guts. If my guy did this, it'd turn the ten minutes after I got home into the worst part of my day. (Actually, he used to. I finally got him to stop.) Not everybody likes to talk. Not even everybody with a uterus. Coming home after a long day, your spouse might not want to spend a bunch of mental energy figuring out how to answer your questions--or FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS. When it comes to being nice, the Golden Rule is a good start, but still just a start. I just wanted to note that, while this is good advice, you should make sure you tailor these to your specific spouse instead of following each instruction verbatim. And on my way to say that, I found this:

@ Heather
“WOW! In case you were wondering, these are the things that EVERY woman wants! I think probably, on some level, these are the things every guy wants too.”

Don’t speak for all women, you sexist pain in the butt. I can’t say emphatically enough that “ask about her day, listen, and ask follow up questions” is ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE advice for anyone who doesn’t want me to hate their guts. If my guy did this, it’d turn the ten minutes after I got home into the worst part of my day. (Actually, he used to. I finally got him to stop.)

Not everybody likes to talk. Not even everybody with a uterus. Coming home after a long day, your spouse might not want to spend a bunch of mental energy figuring out how to answer your questions–or FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS.

When it comes to being nice, the Golden Rule is a good start, but still just a start.

]]> By: doug http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-540586 doug Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:28:04 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-540586 What about....spend time with your partner on a daily basis! Take a walk in the park together, go grocery shopping together, work out together. I see waaaay too many couples that are married yet they live separate lives and do not spend time together. Seems to me that would be one of the most important ingredients in a successful marriage.. Just my two cents, thanks Trent for all the great advice! What about….spend time with your partner on a daily basis! Take a walk in the park together, go grocery shopping together, work out together. I see waaaay too many couples that are married yet they live separate lives and do not spend time together.

Seems to me that would be one of the most important ingredients in a successful marriage..

Just my two cents, thanks Trent for all the great advice!

]]> By: DDFD at DivorcedDadFrugalDad http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-540433 DDFD at DivorcedDadFrugalDad Fri, 27 Feb 2009 12:01:30 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-540433 Solid tips! Good post. Solid tips! Good post.

]]> By: GHelms http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-540363 GHelms Fri, 27 Feb 2009 11:19:45 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-540363 Been married 36 years; your advice is spot on. Thanks for reminding me about some of the little things that I take for granted. A subtitle for your column could be 'The Simple Life'. Been married 36 years; your advice is spot on. Thanks for reminding me about some of the little things that I take for granted. A subtitle for your column could be ‘The Simple Life’.

]]> By: Local Corrupt Politician http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-539976 Local Corrupt Politician Fri, 27 Feb 2009 06:59:06 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-539976 Not to rain on the party, but I must call you out on a few things. Now the owner of this blog site may be in a good marriage and that's great, but the reality is marriage is bad financial decision for most men and a growing number of bread-winning women. A bad marriage will financially ruin your life...period. I know guys who are 50 years old trying to start over in what was supposed to be the beginning of their golden years after a failed marriage; house, kids, money, sanity and hope all GONE! Easily over 50% of marriages fail, so if you are going to give financial advice to young investors like myself, it's is only fair that you tell us about the financial positives and financial negatives about marriage. Just how you point out the good and bad in everything else, Thanks Not to rain on the party, but I must call you out on a few things. Now the owner of this blog site may be in a good marriage and that’s great, but the reality is marriage is bad financial decision for most men and a growing number of bread-winning women. A bad marriage will financially ruin your life…period. I know guys who are 50 years old trying to start over in what was supposed to be the beginning of their golden years after a failed marriage; house, kids, money, sanity and hope all GONE! Easily over 50% of marriages fail, so if you are going to give financial advice to young investors like myself, it’s is only fair that you tell us about the financial positives and financial negatives about marriage. Just how you point out the good and bad in everything else, Thanks

]]> By: Chiara http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-539955 Chiara Fri, 27 Feb 2009 06:41:43 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-539955 What a lovely discussion! My advice would be: Cut each other a lot of slack and give each other space to be who you are. My husband and I get along really happily this way. I was in a very bad marriage years ago and suffice it to say it was the opposite there. That marriage also nearly ruined me financially - there is most definitely a link between having a good partner and finding success in life. Or rather, NOT having a bad partner to drag you down. Much better to be single. P.S. to our friend the clinical psychologist: Seriously? What a lovely discussion!
My advice would be: Cut each other a lot of slack and give each other space to be who you are. My husband and I get along really happily this way.

I was in a very bad marriage years ago and suffice it to say it was the opposite there. That marriage also nearly ruined me financially – there is most definitely a link between having a good partner and finding success in life. Or rather, NOT having a bad partner to drag you down. Much better to be single.

P.S. to our friend the clinical psychologist: Seriously?

]]> By: Oleg http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-539793 Oleg Fri, 27 Feb 2009 05:04:55 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-539793 Though I usually read The Simple Dollar for financial motivation, I found this post and the post you wrote about a stay-at-home partner a while ago insightful. I think you've kept a good balance between financial articles and the occasional miscellaneous post peppered in. Keep it up. Though I usually read The Simple Dollar for financial motivation, I found this post and the post you wrote about a stay-at-home partner a while ago insightful.

I think you’ve kept a good balance between financial articles and the occasional miscellaneous post peppered in. Keep it up.

]]> By: Rachel http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-539605 Rachel Fri, 27 Feb 2009 03:00:54 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-539605 Great post! I love the stone wall analogy! Its true that marriage is built on the little things. Its great to see someone put up all this practical advice on making a marriage work, thanks! Great post! I love the stone wall analogy! Its true that marriage is built on the little things. Its great to see someone put up all this practical advice on making a marriage work, thanks!

]]> By: Dawn http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/02/26/some-thoughts-on-building-a-successful-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-539480 Dawn Fri, 27 Feb 2009 01:22:37 +0000 http://www.thesimpledollar.com/?p=3208#comment-539480 DH does most of these things some of the time but I think I might print your post for him....because honestly these little things make me feel so special - ok maybe I just need to tell him that. From a wife's perspective though when things don't seem close enough in a marriage we as women also need to step it up a bit too - the circle needs to be broken and no matter who breaks it you both benefit. After 20 years and two small chilren (6 and 3) you would think we would have it all figured out. But yeah we forget sometimes too ;) DH does most of these things some of the time but I think I might print your post for him….because honestly these little things make me feel so special – ok maybe I just need to tell him that. From a wife’s perspective though when things don’t seem close enough in a marriage we as women also need to step it up a bit too – the circle needs to be broken and no matter who breaks it you both benefit. After 20 years and two small chilren (6 and 3) you would think we would have it all figured out. But yeah we forget sometimes too ;)

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