Comments on: Some Thoughts on Building a Successful Marriage

By: big fan

big fan — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 03:37:17 +0000

As someone who was married 13 years and is now separated and headed to divorce, I can attest that neither me nor my spouse did most of these things on a regular basis.

My ex left the marriage rather than trying to fix it but maybe it is for the best.

By: Su Prieta

Su Prieta — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:04:37 +0000

The most encouraging thing I take from this is that I see the same things in my own marriage, so I know we are on the right path.

By: Danielle

Danielle — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:19:25 +0000

My husband and I decided back when we were engaged that after the wedding, the biggest priority for the rest of our lives was developing our marriage. Yes, work (and at that time, school) are important. Yes, church is important. And yes, our children are REALLY important… but nothing is more important than our marriage. So far, we’ve been married two and a half years… and couldn’t be happier, even though it hasn’t always been easy.

One thing I didn’t see mentioned that has worked wonders for us is that we don’t, under any circumstances, fight with sex. This takes many forms. Two major ones come to mind right now… a wife refusing to kiss her husband because he’s growing a beard, or either spouse refusing intimacy because they are mad or want something. Both of these can take something special and use it as a weapon that can (and in many cases, does) destroy a marriage.

I don’t know if this idea works for everyone, but not fighting with sex has genuinely strengthened my marriage.

By: Cyllya

Cyllya — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 01:15:03 +0000

@ Clinical Therapist -
Your marriage has far more impact on your financial success than your toilet habits.

By: Kim

Kim — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 19:52:02 +0000

I’m beginning to believe that you may be one of the smartest men on the planet. :)

By: Juan

Juan — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 15:58:49 +0000

I loved the post. I just started a relationship (3 months) and at my 27 years, and I think that if you take a step back and think about these tips, seems to me that is a lot of what you do when dating. I think those little stones are key and they form an important role of building a strong base in order to move forward.

By: April

April — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 06:18:12 +0000

Amazingly insightful. Marriages usually take years and years to get right but you are miles ahead of most people at such a young age. Congrats on focusing so much on your marriage (which can be challenging when you add a new business and two kids). Your family is fortunate to have such a good role model!

By: Sharon

Sharon — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:29:58 +0000

Clinical therapist, you clearly have no understanding of what a clinical therapist does if you think that Trent’s advice falls under that heading!

By: Clinical Therapist

Clinical Therapist — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:44:41 +0000

@Chiara -

Yes, I am clinical psychologist and it is totally unethical for me to practice outside my realm of experience. This website is titled “The Simple Dollar – financial talk for the rest of us” and this discussion is about keeping his wife happy. He only knows his wife and should not be handing out advice on marriage. Reading about his toilet habits is not much better – but, at least they somehow related to the topic of finances. This discussion is way off topic, hence – out of Trent’s expertise.

By: Clinical Therapist

Clinical Therapist — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:42:34 +0000

@Chiara -

Yes, I am clinical psychologist and it is totally unethical for me to practice outside my realm of experience. This website is titled “The Simple Dollar – financial advise for the rest of us” and this discussion is about keeping his wife happy. He only knows his wife and should not be handing out advice on marriage. Reading about his toilet habits is not much better – but, at least they somehow related to the topic of finances.

By: Cyllya

Cyllya — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 16:08:48 +0000

I just wanted to note that, while this is good advice, you should make sure you tailor these to your specific spouse instead of following each instruction verbatim. And on my way to say that, I found this:

@ Heather
“WOW! In case you were wondering, these are the things that EVERY woman wants! I think probably, on some level, these are the things every guy wants too.”

Don’t speak for all women, you sexist pain in the butt. I can’t say emphatically enough that “ask about her day, listen, and ask follow up questions” is ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE advice for anyone who doesn’t want me to hate their guts. If my guy did this, it’d turn the ten minutes after I got home into the worst part of my day. (Actually, he used to. I finally got him to stop.)

Not everybody likes to talk. Not even everybody with a uterus. Coming home after a long day, your spouse might not want to spend a bunch of mental energy figuring out how to answer your questions–or FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS.

When it comes to being nice, the Golden Rule is a good start, but still just a start.

By: doug

doug — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:28:04 +0000

What about….spend time with your partner on a daily basis! Take a walk in the park together, go grocery shopping together, work out together. I see waaaay too many couples that are married yet they live separate lives and do not spend time together.

Seems to me that would be one of the most important ingredients in a successful marriage..

Just my two cents, thanks Trent for all the great advice!

By: DDFD at DivorcedDadFrugalDad

DDFD at DivorcedDadFrugalDad — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 12:01:30 +0000

Solid tips! Good post.

By: GHelms

GHelms — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 11:19:45 +0000

Been married 36 years; your advice is spot on. Thanks for reminding me about some of the little things that I take for granted. A subtitle for your column could be ‘The Simple Life’.

By: Local Corrupt Politician

Local Corrupt Politician — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 06:59:06 +0000

Not to rain on the party, but I must call you out on a few things. Now the owner of this blog site may be in a good marriage and that’s great, but the reality is marriage is bad financial decision for most men and a growing number of bread-winning women. A bad marriage will financially ruin your life…period. I know guys who are 50 years old trying to start over in what was supposed to be the beginning of their golden years after a failed marriage; house, kids, money, sanity and hope all GONE! Easily over 50% of marriages fail, so if you are going to give financial advice to young investors like myself, it’s is only fair that you tell us about the financial positives and financial negatives about marriage. Just how you point out the good and bad in everything else, Thanks

By: Chiara

Chiara — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 06:41:43 +0000

What a lovely discussion!
My advice would be: Cut each other a lot of slack and give each other space to be who you are. My husband and I get along really happily this way.

I was in a very bad marriage years ago and suffice it to say it was the opposite there. That marriage also nearly ruined me financially – there is most definitely a link between having a good partner and finding success in life. Or rather, NOT having a bad partner to drag you down. Much better to be single.

P.S. to our friend the clinical psychologist: Seriously?

By: Oleg

Oleg — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 05:04:55 +0000

Though I usually read The Simple Dollar for financial motivation, I found this post and the post you wrote about a stay-at-home partner a while ago insightful.

I think you’ve kept a good balance between financial articles and the occasional miscellaneous post peppered in. Keep it up.

By: Rachel

Rachel — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 03:00:54 +0000

Great post! I love the stone wall analogy! Its true that marriage is built on the little things. Its great to see someone put up all this practical advice on making a marriage work, thanks!

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 01:22:37 +0000

DH does most of these things some of the time but I think I might print your post for him….because honestly these little things make me feel so special – ok maybe I just need to tell him that. From a wife’s perspective though when things don’t seem close enough in a marriage we as women also need to step it up a bit too – the circle needs to be broken and no matter who breaks it you both benefit. After 20 years and two small chilren (6 and 3) you would think we would have it all figured out. But yeah we forget sometimes too ;)

By: Donna

Donna — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 00:18:53 +0000

Tent, Will you marry me? Just kidding. Wish more men were like you. :o)