when my husband and I were dating, he was making 9, 000 a year as a grad student, and i was making about 24k. He always had money for movies and dinner (nothing fancy, obviously), and I never seemed to have any extra cash for these things. He is extremely frugal. However, he came to me at some point (long before we got engaged) and explained how frustrating the situation was to him. He couldn’t really afford to pay all our going out expenses himself, and was troubled that the limiting factor was me. So, we started a budget together. Every payday, I wrote him a check (just like it was the water bill) for my half of our monthly date money. We always had money after that, to do what we wanted, and it ceased being an issue. I don’t expect this is a solution that would work for any but a very few people, but it worked for us, and I thought I’d share. We’ve been married for almost 15 years, now.

BTW- he was always a phenomenal thoughtful gift-giver, though never extravagant. The thought really does count when the thought is really there.

I would also add that I have heard many stories that high maintenance women were surprised when the bill for the courtship came into the marriage as debt . . .

However, if you have a steady, good job and have said as much, you might not want to make *all* of the first four or five dates cheap ones. The reasoning for me is not that I expect a man to take care of me- just the opposite. *I* have a very good job and can take care of myself, but I also don’t want to marry someone who *I* have to support. I’m looking for an equal and if we’re in our thirties with good jobs and only going out to the cheapest venues when we *start* dating, that doesn’t come off well. I’m happy to help pay for the date, but again, I’m looking for a partner, not a leech, so making it clear in some way why you are being cheap/frugal/whatever is a good idea. Better yet, hold off on being your most frugal until you know each other somewhat. No need to go to fancy places to impress, but if you have a good job and are still only taking your date to burrito joints and cheap movies, they are going to start wondering why.

To an extent, that’s true, but I also think it’s a good time… if you’re getting serious… to see if your values are complementary or not. For example, (you knew this was coming) attitudes about money and spending.

My husband told me (after we were married) that he was VERY impressed with the fact that I refused to carry a balance on my credit card and that I would go “shopping” in my own closet before I’d got to a store to buy new clothes and shoes.

I was impressed by the fact that he had a prepaid cell phone and was very disiplined in his spending. He bought used cars from a wholesaler, in fact and paid cash.

Now if there was no chemistry and love between us, these things wouldn’t matter. And there was a lot more to our mutual attraction, of course (back rubs! flowers! he cooks!) but attitudes toward money and spending are important elements of compatability and if you’re on the same page with that stuff, it decreases the chances for conflict later on, since money and spending are issues that can cause big problems in relationships!

I think your series has potential.

Daters (of any age): look for someone with similar cultural values to your own, and try not to be the extremist in either direction. Easy enough, right?

;)

Just saying.

For you men with little funds, buy some high quality ingredients and prepare a meal for your date at your apartment/house (make sure it’s CLEAN, candles are nice too). A man that can cook is worth his weight in gold.

You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but a little is reasonable…like maybe $40 max for dinner for 2. Personally I want someone to pay attention to me & find interesting things to do, and find me interesting as well. This has nothing to do with price. This may be because I feel like I make my own money & I’m not looking for someone to support me financially.

I can’t speak for others, but from a young age I’ve realised that money can come & money can go, but how the man treats you and loves you is what matters.

One instance that comes to mind with my husband and I when we were dating is with his cell phone. I had an out-of-area number on my cell, which was my only phone. He had local calls only on his land line and a cell phone, which he always used to call me. My problem was that, for months, he seemed really reluctant to call me before 9 p.m. on weeknights (he had free nights and weekends). I finally spoke up and told him that it bothered me because, while I knew it would be expensive for him to go over his minutes, it signaled to me that I wasn’t important enough for him to use his minutes to talk to me. Once I talked to him about it, he made more of an effort and that was all I needed. I didn’t want him to go over his bill, so if he was close, he’d let me know. I also made more of an effort to offer to call him back on his land line, if he initiated the call (I never come close to using my minutes).

Anyway, it’s a silly anecdote now, but at the time it seemed telling. I’m glad I took the time to talk to him about it, rather than writing him off as a cheapskate. I’d have missed out on so many wonderful things in my life…

Two months ago, he admitted that he thought I was a miser when we first met, but now that we have a child and he’s in school, he’s never been more thankful for that quality. :)

My next girlfriend expected me to pay the entire rent on our apartment (way more than I could afford) and all of our food and entertainment expenses. We lived 4 hours round trip from my work place because she wanted to be closer to her family. She didn’t have a job and she would buy presents for herself with the spending money that her parents gave her–new guitar, clothing, etc. I owed this to her because one day she was going to be a famous rock star and then we would live in the lap of luxury together. Needless to say, we are not together any more and she is not famous or successful.

However, the best first date I ever had was spent in a subway station eating cookies and drinking milk from the same container. Probably cost less than $5. Sometimes it is all about the attitude/outlook you have on life.

No, I’m not one of those guys who believes that all girls are golddiggers out to get my money but I do believe that society (at least at my age – mid 20s) puts this impression that I am supposed to be this Mr. Mealticket for the girl.

I also don’t want kids at this point in my life so that’s the kiss of death for most girls.

It explores what each of us holds as important in a relationship, be it showering with gifts, closeness, experiences together, or what have you. If one of you is trying all kinds of ways to impress in a way that the other feels is silly or unnecessary, it can be the end of a relationship, because you aren’t treating him or her “right” Learn to speak their love language, and you may meet “the one”!

Also, very important to share and listen to stories. They can tell you a lot about the person.
Who they are, what matters and how they relate to people and things. And what really comes first.

You also have to pay close attention to what people you date spend money on. (Clothing, cars, housing, their friends and families, etc.) That will tell you what really matters to them. Beware the man/woman who only spends on themselves, for example, and not on others.

Unfortunately, in dating, appearance is a major factor. Women often have to spend a lot on grooming and clothes to “compete” (Ugh. Hate that word but it’s true.) for attention. If you live in a big city, it may not be at the level of the characters in Sex and the City, but really you can’t hang out in old jeans and Tshirts and expect to meet the kind of man you’d like to marry. (Not saying that guys who wear jeans and Tshirts themselves, on occasion, are not marriage material. But if I live in a major city, and I see somebody dressed as if they are working on a farm…well, that doesn’t get my attention. Now, if I’m in the country, that’s another story.)

The comments were very interesting, especially the honest admission that some women (who tend to still make less than most men, regardless of what they do) do look for financial stability (which may or may not be related to frugality. Not sure there is always a correlation.) and are turned off by cheapness. Given that the average woman can’t earn as much as a man, even those women who want co-partners do expect, and rightly so, that a man can hold up his end (and vice versa, for women to hold up their end). NOBODY should have to commit to a mate who starts out wanting to be totally taken care of. Just my opinion. That’s a turnoff.

It’s a fine line when dating, between fiscally prudent and outright cheap. I’ve dated millionaires who were outright cheap while I, a working person, was the one who treated and splurged so we could enjoy certain things. (Don’t ask!)

Unfortunately, depending on how old you are when you are dating, you really can’t always tell what someone’s financial “attitude” and goals are. Over the years, I’ve watched young couples who dated in college and married afterwards, models of fiscal prudence, “blossom” into people we and they didn’t recognize. Sometimes, it was both partners, who ended up wanting the stuff and buying into the whole “we gotta have it” of yuppiedum and consumerism. Sometimes, and where it really caused problems, was when only one partner developed very expensive interests, hobbies and tastes. And one partner decided to say pursue a career/work that while satisfying, was not meeting the monetary standards of the other partner. Oh, it can get ugly.

More than a few marriages ended not just because of the obvious money issues, but of the much deeper things they represented: A need for “status” /power/ stuff, etc. that was dormant in early years but became very obvious as they progressed in certain types of careers. A disregard for a partner who failed to meet the other’s financial/social expectations, etc.

First, be very clear about who you are and what you want. Then,as you said, be honest (but not rude) about that as a relationship progresses (There’s no need to turn off a potentially good partner by telling all upfront. One needs a context to appreciate the other person.)

Most important, if fiscal prudence is a deal-breaker to you, pay very close attention to how the person you’re dating handles their money. You don’t need to see their financials to figure out whether they’re in debt, or courting it. (20-something women with low-paying jobs wearing designer clothes? Hello. Credit card debt. Young men in low-paying starter jobs with flashy cars and apartments and lots of expensive vacations? Yep. DEBT.)

It may seem like fun to have stuff and do lots of stuff, but it’s not so funny when you then take on someone else’s debt and it affects YOUR life in a zillion ways daily.

I think with the younger crowd, it’s a lot easier to impress a person with frugal creativity, because their expectations are lower. Let’s face it – a 20-year old hasn’t seen a lot of movies, so an evening of watching your favorite childhood film, or a couple old Oscar winners is a no-brainer.

But once you both get older, the things you want to do together are still very meaningful, but cost a lot more. Things like revisiting the French town we honeymooned in, go see the singer we saw on our first date, even though now his only shows are a 6-month engagement in Vegas, etc. Those are still very personal and meaningful, but they’re no “breakfast in bed.” Been there, done that, it’s not “special” anymore.

I don’t mean to take some of the sheen off the romance, but in all honesty, there are only so many poems you can write before they just start to pile up in the bottom of a desk drawer. Remembering your favorite flower is a fantastic way to impress for your 6-month anniversary, but after a decade, it’s not exactly going to blow her socks off.

The key is keeping the romance alive in fresh, new ways as time goes on. I’m hoping Trent will address this in his upcoming posts, but keep hope – it IS possible. It just might cost a little more money than spending Valentine’s day watching a Bollywood marathon on Showcase.