Comments on: The Little Benefits of Trying

By: Beth

Beth — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 17:40:17 +0000

Trent, please let your brother know how you feel about his efforts. He was there for you when you were a child, and he needs to know that his little brother admires him for the effort he is making. It’s very lonely to be struggling to make such significant changes, and he needs your support!

By: Marcia

Marcia — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 16:16:17 +0000

Well, I have to go with Trent and Nancy on this one (haven’t read ALL the comments). I will fess up to listening to Dr. Laura on my commute home from my full-time job to pick up my child from daycare (masochist?)

It is my responsibility to care for my husband and son. That is my primary job. It’s nobody’s job but my spouse’s and mine to build our family. By marrying him, it *had* to be my priority.

I cannot change anyone. People can only help themselves. I have learned that through years of dealing with family members. It doesn’t mean, in my case, that I’ve “cut them off” or that I don’t see them (their situations aren’t terrible). But it does mean that I don’t give them money (in some cases), or I don’t get pulled into the constant complaints about health and depression (in other cases).

How many times do you give someone a second chance? If a family member screwed up big time, but then got back in gear, I’d give them a second chance. But if my little brother was on drugs (he’s not) or in jail (not that either), while I’d take in his wife and kids, I certainly wouldn’t write him a check or pay his mortgage.

I think this article does have a purpose towards personal finance. If you make an effort, you will have more opportunities…

By: Georgia

Georgia — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:45:33 +0000

I have told my kids, my siblings, my in-laws, etc. that I love them. They may disappoint me, hurt me, shatter me, but nothing can stop me from loving them.

That said, there are times we must pull back. I helped one kid in hard times because they were working 2 full time jobs and still not making it. But, I would not help someone who just griped and did nothing – family or not. People do not learn well when they are helped too much.

Trent – I agree with several others. Find a time to tell Mark how much you care and are grateful for his trying. That is an important message for anyone, but especially to someone trying.

By: DDFD at DivorcedDadFrugalDad

DDFD at DivorcedDadFrugalDad — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:05:49 +0000

Thanks for sharing this very personal information. I love stories of personal redemption . . .

By: Kate

Kate — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 08:01:54 +0000

I liked your post today. I do think it’s a little odd that you haven’t shared your thoughts with your brother. Seize the day! Let Mark know you’re proud of him. You just might make his day, his week, or possibly his year.

By: Lis

Lis — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:26:50 +0000

@theBadLibrarian – The whole “Trying and Flailing” thing made me laugh out loud when I read it in the post. Maybe it’s not a typo, but as someone else suggested, perfectly descriptive how you feel at that point. :) Either way, it’s a hilarious mental image.

By: Sense

Sense — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:02:11 +0000

sheesh, people, trent just lost his grandmother. he’s reflecting on family and this is an emotional time for him. cut him some slack.

By: Larabara

Larabara — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 19:45:05 +0000

I agree that minor infractions are not worth writing a sibling or parent off. However, if someone couldn’t be trusted around a kid, or ends up on parole, it implies that the infraction(s) were not minor.

Every now and then there is a case where a family member just writes someone off for what seems like a small offense, but for most family members, it takes a whole lot of pain and disappointment before they finally have to let go for the sake of their own sanity.

Trust the folks who know, Jimbo–you are truly blessed if you never experience that kind of hurt in your life.

By: al

al — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:40:16 +0000

seems to me the trend here toward posts about values, family, etc. is reflective of the economic times, in which we need to shore up our personal relationships to weather difficult financial times (either to find a new job, keep our current one, or be reliable for or relied on by family and friends), and understand what’s really important about having financial security. i think it’s topical, and the opposition to this type of discussion in a financial context may be indicative of some of the big problems we’ve been incubating over the years. why shouldn’t our behavior and personal relationship values be important to our financial well-being?

er, @carlos – sexist much?

By: Lenore

Lenore — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:33:26 +0000

Trent, it sounds like your brother was going through a bout of depression or identity crisis. (You’ve noted that you sometimes get the winter blues, and mood disorders tend to run in families, so you might want to learn more about prevention and treatment.) If drugs or criminal behavior were involved, I agree with the “tough love” approach. If not, your brother probably would have benefitted more from your trust or small loan during his rough patch. Now that he’s gotten HIMSELF back together, you’re proud and eager to embrace him again. I can understand expecting others to pull their own weight and not wanting to get taken by an opportunist. I try to temper conditional love with compassion, but we all have to struggle with who to help and when to distance ourselves from someone destructive. I hope you feel ok about the choices you made regarding your brother and that he continues to thrive.

By: Andrew

Andrew — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:15:38 +0000

I’m not trying to put down Trent or the people that are agreeing with him on some of his recent articles, BUT is it just me or has this blog taken some kind of twisted turn off of its normal track? Half the articles seem to be less about Finace/Self-Reliance and more about sentimental family values/feelings. I’m not saying those are bad things but this blog just seems to be headed in a different dircetion lately.

By: Clair Schwan of Frugal Living Freedom

Clair Schwan of Frugal Living Freedom — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:17:40 +0000

Great post and very well written.

Sometimes we fail to see that our life and our future is largely in our hands. That can deter us from trying to improve our situation, instead waiting for something to happen or someone else to do something.

Count on yourself and make an effort. With rare exception, where you are and where you’re headed is all up to you and the decisions you make. We’ll all go farther if we just keep trying.

Whether it’s overcoming an addiction, getting rid of debt, or making your way in a new career path, action on your part will get results.

Thomas Jefferson told us: “Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”

Clair

By: Evita

Evita — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:08:47 +0000

Gosh…. this post is way too personal for me… we are now so far from personal finance….

By: 60 in 3 - Health and Fitness

60 in 3 - Health and Fitness — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:17:38 +0000

Sometimes you just have to accept that your family members are different than you are. They don’t have the same goals or the same motivations and, unlike friends, you can’t really get a new family. You either accept them as is or you move on with your life without them.

Gal

By: lilacorchid

lilacorchid — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:37:45 +0000

Trent, thanks for this post. I get what you are saying. Without knowing specifics, it would appear that our siblings are similar (although I am the older one). I hope mine follows your brother’s path eventually.

By: almost there

almost there — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:28:58 +0000

90% of the strife and anguish I have experienced in my life are a result of interaction with family members, mine and spouse’s. Sometimes one must remember that siblings are just persons that you shared a womb with at different times. Like animals that were litter mates we make our own way in life. I have tried many times and learned that one cannot help adult siblings because they end up resenting it and must find their own solutions to their problems.

By: Beth Patterson

Beth Patterson — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:04:53 +0000

I was very moved by this post. And the diversity of comments are predictable.

I’m just glad that ‘Mark’ is taking a new look at his life. I believe that it’s only a spiritual awakening that can change lives in a heartbeat. It may take the rest of his life to undo the damage his earlier choices made, but he’s taken a new path.

Thanks again for the post, Trent and earnest comments!

By: Karen

Karen — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:00:51 +0000

I completely agree with this post.
I have a lot of empathy for my husband’s ex-wife. She’s a struggling single mother, as I was before I met my current husband (her ex). I know what it’s like trying to handle everything yourself. We’ve offered her help in lots of different ways, too many to list here, just short of paying her bills for her (we refused to do that). I’ve even gone as far as talking to hiring managers at my job about getting her a better paying job than working at the minimum wages jobs she always applied at (she would have to have her GED, she doesn’t have it yet).
However, she blames us for all of her problems. It’s her ex’s fault that she’s a single mother even though he caught her cheating on him (and she has the child to prove it). It’s not her fault she has a low paying job because she wasn’t as lucky as I was to go to college (I didn’t – she has convinced herself that I did because I make good money at a job I’ve been at for 14 years). She is lacking her GED because she failed one portion of the test – she blames this on the fact that she’s ‘learning disabled’, however, will not take responsibility for this (by studying harder, learning new techniques, etc)…just uses it as an excuse for her failures.
What she doesn’t understand is exactly what Trent has posted. The harder you are scincerely trying, the more opportunities seem to come your way and people seem to try to help you more (I can look back at my own life and see this as well). I know I would be doing much more to help her out (than what I currently do to help her out via my husband’s kids) if she wasn’t always blaming us for her problems.

By: The Personal Finance Playbook

The Personal Finance Playbook — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:59:10 +0000

Nice post. My situation is much different, because I’m the oldest and my siblings are, for the most part, some of the best people I know. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish the best of luck to you and your brother. Hopefully he stays on the right track.

By: Charlie

Charlie — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:58:59 +0000

Trent, although this is a well written article and makes the point you are trying to convey very clear I hope you are prepared for the damage this could bring your brother. If I were his employer, new associate, or love interest and read this I would have serious questions about his character. The comment alone about your being afraid to leave a child alone with him (albeit a couple years ago) is disturbing, it does not leave you with the impression of someone who was just cranky with the family or made a couple of poor business decisions. You portrayed a very loving younger man but really only a cautiously optimistic impression of the adult you now deal with. It would not take a very close relative to figure out who you are referring to. I just hope you have given careful thought to how public this post is.