No, the Force isn’t in balance yet… but it will be. No darvocet necessary. Chocolate…

After living on Long Island, NY we’ve moved to a small town in NE Texas. I’ve had to adjust my behavior once again in an attempt to fit in.

For me, however, one of the most important lessons in frugality is that I have to do things I don’t like out of respect for my budget. Sometimes this means slaving over a byzantine rebate form instead of just paying for the new appliance and forgetting about it. Sometimes it means requesting a refund or price correction at a store when I just want to get through the line and be done with it. Sometimes it means spending an evening balancing my finances instead of watching a movie with my partner.

I used to blow off the unpleasant sides of personal finance all the time. I’d spend hours every week baking my own bread, but would forget to pay bills and get slapped with $40 late fees. I had to learn the hard way that it is worth my time to do the grunt work as well as the fun stuff.

I don’t know anyone who has said that every post must fit their exact need. Aren’t you being a bit overreaching here? Relax. All is well. The force is in balance. Ahhhhh, Darvocet.

I usually just read these posts without commenting, but this time I wanted to say that the first section about time really cleared up some dissonant thoughts within myself. Thanks loads!

Sidenote: Couldn’t help but smile when hearing about you and Rubik’s cube. I too had the desire to learn it (November 08), picked up the beginner method and now the Fridrich. Whole month of practise until I went below a minute if I remember. (at least an hour a day) Good luck!

Please get over the idea that every post must fit your exact needs and take them for what they are… glimpses into one way of doing things that may, or may not, reflect or work for you. Otherwise the bleh that comes out here might just start spilling over into your precious life.

That being said, perhaps some of the disconnect is that the articles have become much more provincial in their tone and world view than they used to be. Trent, you may want to avoid arguing and conflict and spend all your time working in your rural home and spending time with your family and preaching the virtues of both of your choices. Good for you, I applaud your decisions, but your choice to work out of your farmhouse has made you more dissconnected from the rest of us and made your views provincial.

Imagine you came to nyc for a visit to promote your book or blog and got into a long cab line where people kept cutting if front of you, but you said nothing. Then you got into a cab where you were overcharged by the cab driver (who blasted loud music and talked on his cell phone the whole ride) but you said nothing. You would have already lost time and money before you even got to the hotel, and your trip is just beginning.

Now imagine you get to the hotel and they have messed up your reservation and the only category of room they have available is 50 dollars a night more. (this is not an uncommon occurance in nyc at all) Do you fight or spend the money? How much do you fight? Let’s say there is a line behind you and you decide not to fight, you get to your overpriced double bed room on the third floor (you wanted the 50th floor and a king bed) and you can hear the loud music and laughter from a party directly below you (it’s the world of warcraft club’s singles night at the bar and all the singles are out partying…) You ignore the noise and hook up your laptop to check your email. The internet connection you just paid twenty five dollars for just went dead. You do not call the front desk to complain or get a refund though because you hate confrontation. Anyway you get the point…. In most places that are not rural people have to be assertive to save both money and time. If you choose not to do that then you will have a miserable and expensive experience in those places.

Just my opinion….

lgt

Could she have asked to speak to a manager and/or gone to the customer “service” desk? Sure. But how did she know it was going to esclate? How did she know she was dealing with idiots when she started?

When we stand up for our rights, we have no way to know how the interaction is going to go. (Unless you are dealing with a health insurance company. Then it is a given that they will be unreasonable.) If we start out and remain polite, and reasonable, it becomes clear to any onlookers who is the one in the right. Failing to stand up for ourselves because we fear that the other party will become unreasonable is giving them complete power over us.

I had to learn as I matured that there are times when assertiveness, confrontation and even making scenes is important to do sometimes. I don’t just stand up for myself. I stand up for the others who cannot or will not do it for themselves.

Ultimately, I know what my intention was and that I was in the right. If someone else decides that I am in the wrong, oh well. That is because they don’t have all the information.

Incidently, this ties into the calling for a public apology after a public accusation. If you don’t answer a public charge publically, or have it retracted, others assume that the charge is accurate and you didn’t rebut it for that reason. This then erodes into your relationships with others as they look for things to confirm their assumption.

Being assertive simply means asking for what is yours, either a thing, service, or respect, without trampling on the rights of others. You are only responsible for your own actions; nobody can “make” anyone else do something. Being assertive doesn’t create a confrontation or even a scene. Unreasonable responses do.

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Neither do I. When this presents itself I usually say, “May I speak with a manager about this? I don’t want to hold up the folks in line behind me.”

The cashier is nearly always happy and cheerful to do this because… they don’t have to deal with me. The folks behind me are nearly always grateful because I’m not holding them up. I would get my ten bucks. Win-win-win!

It is worth your time if you handle it right. It took me a while, but I did.

I’ve said in the past that I enjoy your personal commentary, Trent. If you can’t admit that you stuck your foot in your mouth and choose to hide behind your “family values” when called to task, don’t cry when people take exception to it. You can also “negatively impact the lives of others” by being a self-involved individual that refuses to see that there is a world beyond the family room and encouraging others to do so.

Perhaps you should speak up to your management and get some equal time for you to do single person things? Comp time for when you work late / cover for someone else? If you are happy to be the doormat and allow people to walk over you, then people will continue to do so. Stand up for what you deserve rather than grumbling on comment sections of Internet blogs. Maybe you can say “no” to working late when asked and/or covering for people who are sick? You could just as well say “I’ve got plans after work” or “I’ve got a family event” and turn down the work.

Keep in mind, though, that you are likely getting recognition for working late and covering, and getting a reputation as a “go-to person”, while the people who are taking off to deal with their kids are likely getting a far different reputation — perhaps “unreliable” or “not a team member”. I hope the person who lied about having to deal with a sick child is getting a reputation that will get them to the head of the layoff/firing line.

As a parent (and previously single person), I will make up time off work that I need to miss by working late another day, working a night or on the weekend (I can work from home). I really agree with you that parents who use their kids as excuses to get out of work (and expect it to not take sick/vacation time) are really not being fair to their co-workers … and lying … well, that’s just plain wrong.

I realize that I did make a choice to become a parent, and I certainly am not consciously leaning on other people at work because of that choice. But on your terms, am I allowed to be mad when I have to cover for some single person who closed the bar last night and is sleeping under their desk? Or who stayed up late playing video games? People (single, married, parents) all have good days and bad days. I’ve had to cover for plenty of unmarried, childless folks when they didn’t come in for some reason, too.

Asking a store to honor a raincheck isn’t a confrontation and its not your fault if the people in line behind you are inconvenienced. Is it OK to inconvenience the people in line behind you by using a big pile of coupons?

Generalizations about being single will come across as offensive. If Trent means “nothing better to do than play World of Warcraft” then he should say so rather than “single”. The 2 are not equivalent for most of us. Its no better to say “if I were single” than “if I were old” or “if I were a housewife”.