keep in mind that (depending on the parents), many parents would like the opportunity to pass on what they have learned about retirement planning, perhaps complete with what they didn’t do and regret not doing, to their children as part of their kids’ education and preparation for the retirement stage of life. By bringing it up you create an opening for them to pass that information on to you.

Whether it’s appropriate in your family or not, it is appropriate for your own information, because likely you will be involved in sorting it out, when it happens, to know how your parents have or haven’t made preparations for their deaths and their estate. It is a normal conversation and I would be rather surprised if parents in their 60s are not mature enough to have it with you.

I would approach it as if it was as normal a conversation to have as talking about the rain. Most parents have devoted some thought to it but maybe haven’t had occasion to bring it up with their children. You provide the opportunity to discuss it by bringing it up.

Also, it puts you in the driver’s seat a bit more because by their response you’ll get lots of information as to whether their planning is adequate. If it isn’t then you know to prepare to more or less of a mess after their death.

The parents or children can initiate the topic by saying There’s a form I want us to fill out together. You’ll be glad you did!!

Four very thorough pages of things I would never have thought to ask. My mom had serious cardiac problems and didn’t want surgery – absolutely refused to consider it. I sat down with her and the booklet and we went through all the questions. It took an hour and a half and we both cried, but it is one of my fondest, dearest memories of spending time with her – it was so intimate and caring.

Six months later, when my mom had a sudden cardiac failure, my brother and i held her in our arms as she died. We knew she did not want us to call an ambulance or have EMTs pound on her chest. And she dreaded the ICU. She wanted to go when she was called, to go naturally without medical “interference”, and with her family around her. If we hadn’t had that talk and that booklet, she definitely would not have gotten what she cared intensely about but had never before expressed.

The booklet is $5 for individual copies, less if bought in bulk. Might be available free from a local hospital or hospice. To get it online:
http://www.agingwithdignity.org/catalog/

The RW Johnson site has lots of other helps for families and caregivers dealing with medical issues:
http://www.rwjf.org/pr/product.jsp?id=30971

Keeping up with the Joneses syndrome at work.

I stopped a few years ago when I was living beyond my means. I’ve accepted that I don’t make more than a third of what my best friend does. I paid off my high interest debt and have decent savings now. I don’t need to compete; my ego is fine.

Alas, if one’s parents refuse to discuss this (close friends had this problem; his mother in fact refused to speak to him after he very tactfully brought up the issue and she even accused him of “wishing her dead to get her money”), you can’t do much about it.

A successful talk assumes that all parties will be adult, calm and cooperative. This is rarely the case, at all socio-economic levels.

I don’t know one friend who didn’t have huge problems getting needed information. Most got nothing and of course when their parents passed it was a nightmare for their families on so many levels.

I have to laugh when families say they are close and loving and then those very same older parents will not cooperate with their kids about sharing information needed to ensure their last wishes, etc..

If you love people, you don’t leave them in the lurch, that’s for sure.

And if you love people, you want to plan ahead so that when the inevitable happens, those you leave behind don’t have to incur debt, extreme hardship, etc on behalf of people who didn’t show the most common courtesy to their family.

We have neighbors, the adult children of two fairly well off sets of parents. Each lost a parent within three weeks of each other. Neither parent had a will, they died alone and the family was tied up for months in legal matters. The “kids,” who did not have extra money, due to both being unemployed and putting their daughter thru college, had to borrow to pay for all kinds of things.

That, folks, is not leaving a legacy of love for your family.

You don’t have to bare your total finances to your kids, but if you want them to take care of things after you’re gone, you need to cooperate in advance. This is not the time to omit, lie or play games. Yea, there may indeed be hard feelings but sooner is better than later.

The reason so many put this off is not just because of the nature of it, but because it really does reveal how close, or not, a family is. And how dysfunctional.

FYI: The friend whose mother stopped talking to him when he tried to help her get organized financially? She developed a terminal illness and he turned his life upside down to ensure her care in her last years. She made his life and that of his family a living hell even then, yet he continued to care for her.

And to save your sanity, if your parents refuse to cooperate, and you have been courteous and respectful in your approach, make it clear that you will not be responsible for what happens to them.

Yes, you sometimes have to go to that extreme to get their “cooperation.”

At the very least, you need to get power of attorney. If you can’t get that, you really can’t help them.

The other 4 old people we could potentially be responsible for, the ones we’ll be paying for home care or having in our spare room if they run out of options, we have had the money talk with – and also the “what kind of medical decisions would you like made?” talk and the “what kind of funeral arrangements would you like” talk. And we’ve discussed with their other kids, too, to make sure everybody’s on the same page.

I have too many friends who suddenly have parents living with them because the parents lost a job within 5 years of retirement age – and had no savings, refinanced houses, credit card debts, etc. Boomers, as a rule, have done a TERRIBLE job with retirement planning, and in this economy if a 58 year old gets laid off, what are the chances of them finding a new job or being able to sell the house they thought they had a ton of equity in?

Talking about money gets easier and easier, too. Used to be, I’d never open the bills for the visa and store card that are in her name. Now I open them regularly, and she opens mine, whoever gets to the mailbox first, and the opened bill is left on the table. The bill is discussed, but not at length: We don’t have surprises like we used to have.

Assets (esp real estate) are commonly overstated, and debts are almost universally understated. There’s solid evidence that a lot of financial discussions aren’t happening.

Just a suggestion, but it might be helpful to sit down and have that “chat” with yourself first. That is, get all the numbers out in front of you so you have a full grasp of what’s going on and have some time for factual meditation. Then take it up with your spouse. A lot of people are defensive about finances, because it isn’t all about money. Personal habits and preferences often control, and that’s where things get sticky.

If it becomes you do all the talking and expecting answers, it will be a short, and likely angry, session.

Additionally, understand there may be some folks who just will not let you discuss these issues, or patentely shut you down if you try (“don’t worry, I’ve taken care of it”). You’ll have to decide if you want to dig deeper or try again later or just let it lie.

However, she did make a lot of “bargains” with me even after I got my full scholarship (including room & board & books) to my dream school – she said specifically that if I kept my grades about a 3.7 (the minimum to keep my scholarship) that she’d make my car payments and car insurance payments for me (a grand total of $200 she was paying a month).

Now that I’m “grown” – aka 10 years later – I find it surprisingly easy to talk about money with my significant others – at least MY situation with money. I let them know when I can’t afford to do something and have been surprised by their understanding towards my ‘crazy’ ideas of how little we should be spending. However, I’ve found that the reverse isn’t true. Just because I am open about my situation has not meant that the people that I’ve been with have been open about there’s.

However, I’m not married, and my hope is that I will have no debt by the time I am married so that I’m not bring that financial baggage into the relationship. I want getting married to feel like a “fresh start” for both of us – and hope that we both are debt free and have worked hard to become that way before we say our vows. How’s that for ideal thinking? ;)