There is not doubt in my mind you are not invisible to your child and I am sure many others.

I also volunteered twice a month for 4 hours at a time during that tough time period, it helped me connect to others and see myself as competent and valuable. It did my heart good and I think others as well.

Please be good to yourself and your child.

Also – as a Christian, I feel compelled to help those I come across in life. I felt the same while an atheist for 25 years, but now there’s a moral component to it.

Finally, I donate monthly to modestneeds.org . You can decide where to give your donation from pages and pages of applicants. This has to be one of the best returns on $20 a month ever!

If you raise children expecting to get back from them financially what you put into it, you’ll most likely be very sorely disappointed. (Did you see the recent statistic that it takes more than $200,000 to raise a child to the age of 18?) We get back their happiness, fun, and love, if we’re lucky, and grandchildren (another huge expense) also if we’re lucky. Primarily, though, the only real reason to put money and energy into raising children is the satisfaction of contributing to the future of the human race. That’s enough for me.

Jude–I’ve struggled with dark times, and I’ve always told myself that if I could find no hope of making myself ever feel happy, I could at least devote myself to making someone else’s life happier.

Sorry, there’s no way to give unsolicited advice without sounding preachy, so here it goes: Get help and make a difference in the lives of others. Your comment obviously affected many people who read this site. That should give you some idea of the potential you have for making an impact in the world.

My father was out on a date with my Mom, and he came upon a car in the ditch (early 1950s). He was all dressed up, but he stopped, put on some coveralls and pulled the guy’s car out. The man handed him a $20 bill, which was REAL money in those days, (and which he really could have used) and Dad handed it back and just said, “help someone else out instead.” They guy put away the $20 and said, “Hell, I wouldn’t do that!”

I am absolutely amazed that Dad didn’t push his car back in the ditch! But Dad knew that he was a happy man, and the other guy was living a miserable life.

That’s my bottom line on helping and paying it forward.

I volunteered for two years at my church as a small group leader in the youth department. One of the kid’s in my group has a couple of great parents who I have befriended. The kids dad deals in mergers and acquisitions. This may help me out sometime in the future (I am in the finance field).

This is just one small example of many that I have experienced from taking part in a “charitable” act whose purpose was first and foremost not to benefit myself.

-DC

I can certainly see your point on this, however there’s a difference between being in competition with someone as opposed to being at war with them.

Hopefully we can rise above our differences as competitors and embrace the fact that we’re all part of the human community and sharing space on the same planet. We should never forget that we’re human beings first and competitors (or whatever else) as a secondary consideration.

When I was 9, my mother decided to suicide via carbon monoxide poisoning. I came home from school early, discovered her passed out in her car, which was running. I pulled her out, called 911. That was the first day of dealing with my mother’s suicidal tendencies, which I can only describe as a massive mind fuck. I would say I’m scarred, but I don’t think it really counts as a scar if it warps you so badly that it affects every aspect of the rest of your life.

Get help. You chose to have and keep your child, and now you owe it to your child to be the best (living) parent you can be. Unless you want the major take-home point of childhood to be that they, also, can’t depend on anyone — especially not their mother.

I help people I’m in direct competition with all the time. I link to tons of other personal finance sites through my weekly roundup, and the sidebar of every page links to tons more.

And for those who say I “misinterpreted” Adam Smith, I think you should re-read it with an open mind. The “invisible hand” pushes a person to act in their own self-interest. My argument is that one’s self-interest, properly enlightened, might not be the move of pure self-interest in the moment. In fact, I argue it often isn’t.

Can you expound on “without disavantaging yourself”? I generally try to be kind – but some people are out there to take advantage. We have generations that believe that kindness is weakness. I work with some of these people. Just sharing information with them could be a disadvantage – they won’t reciprocate.

To #7 Jude: I was a single parent, too. It’s the hardest job in the world – no doubt about it. I don’t know anything about your circumstances but I will tell you what helped me.

I set out to create a “circle” of friends who would serve as a de facto family. I enrolled my son in soccer when he was 4 years old. He loved sports but the principle is the same whether it’s music/dance/whatever. Through soccer, we met other the kind of healthy families I wanted to be surrounded with. Parents who were involved with their kids. It’s sad to say that few of them were single parents. It’s just really hard to do that stuff on your own. But the rewards were tremendous. We traded babysitting – though I was usually on the receiving end of that. And formed lifelong friendships.

I also found a church community. More people who were “there” for us. And I learned a lot about myself and my relationship with God in the process.

I’m not saying my way of doing things was the best way or only way. But it was the way that worked for me. There is hope and there are people who care. You can create a better life for you and your child(ren); the life you want. It’s hard not to get discouraged, I know, but you can do it.

And I really want to echo the comments of #14 Damester. Help is out there. You can do it.

Of course, this can’t be applied to every situation… But it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to fall back on.

Typically, you can tell which people are worth helping and which aren’t… Use that instinct and stick to it. Otherwise you’ll end up more of a floor mat than anything else.

Also, as Meg suggested (or as I inferred from her post), you have to figure out what really is “help.” Sometimes it’s just enabling someone else. Sometimes it’s at the expense of draining your own reserves.

i hope you’re ok- i really do. i don’t know you, but i’m worried about you. please hang in there.

Is it in my best interest to be on good terms with my neighbor? Yes. Is it in my self-interest to remove a splinter from her child’s finger? Yes. Is it in my self interest to give my unemployed brother $1000 because he refuses to find a job but wants to go on vacation with his girlfriend? No.

RE: Self interest.
I think Zig Ziglar said “You can get everything you want by giving others what they want.” That applies to neighbors, friends, coworkers, and the spiritual side of life (call it karma, the golden rule, whatever).

If indeed you are feeling as you write, you need to immediately seek help (church, family, friend, social worker). There is plenty of it available and for free. There are suicide hotlines everywhere.

As a single parent, your life is probably very very challenging. But you are a parent and that means your life on this planet no longer revolves around how you feel, no matter how badly, or how “justified.” I don’t know your life circumstances or how old your child is, but you need to think about your child right now and how your actions and plans are/will affect him/her. Suicide is not the answer.

If you are clinically depressed, as you well may be, you can again get help. You do have to ask for it and that can be hard. But look at what’s at stake.

If you’re looking to find someone in life to depend on, here is the reality, for all of us: You must first depend on yourself. YOU have to want to be present on the planet. That’s a choice you make. Nobody else can make your life worth living. NOBODY. Your child included.

Your life has got to be independent of anything or anyone else. That’s hard, but it’s the truth. Yes, we love, we create families of all types. We connect. But we enter alone, we leave alone. It doesn’t however, have to be that way, inbetween.

Because if you look around, you will see/realize that many people who have loving families and friends also contemplate suicide. You will also see children traumatized for life by their parents death by suicide.

Clearly you don’t find life worth living if you are contemplating your own death. But clearly you have hope (a three-year plan?) or you’re waiting for something else.

We all feel invisible. We all feel as if no one understands. And, at times, we all feel as if no one has our backs. But it is then that we must reach out and connect and ask for help.

No one has to be alone, especially when they feel as you do.

So, now, what will you DO, right NOW to embrace life rather than focus on leaving? If your child isn’t enough reason to continue, that alone should make you run to the nearest mental health center.

Finally, putting your thoughts online, the people here, who do not know you, can offer only words. You need far more than that. You need to reach out in the real world. The online community is not a substitute for a therapist, for local aid on a consistent basis and for the kind of real-life connections you need.

Please don’t let these feelings be your reality. You have the power to change that. For your sake, and that of your child, I hope you will.