Comments on: Never Eat Alone: Don’t Keep Score

By: kyle5434

kyle5434 — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 17:46:11 +0000

This book is geared to towards extroverts – those who get their energy from interacting with others.

Introverts shrink back in horror at the thought of so much interaction, especially on the relatively shallow terms Ferrazzi identifies. Nothing could be more soul-crushing than this constant “keeping in touch just to keep in touch”.

For those who totally don’t “get” that, check out http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch for more insight.

By: Mel

Mel — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 08:23:23 +0000

@Sharon L: It is more than that. I have no problems seeing when a door needs to be opened, or when someone drops something and it’s easier for me to pick it up.
The problem is knowing when I can – and when I should – help the people close to me.
For example, I’ve just come home after a week in hospital. A friend visited me every day while I was there – she didn’t ask, she just came. I really, really appreciated it and looked forward to her visits – but if she’d asked, I probably would have told her not to come. I know that if she’d been in hospital, I would want to do that, but at the same time would feel like I was intruding. I’d definitely offer, but if she refused (out of politeness), I would accept that at face value because I *just don’t know* when not to. I think that’s the ‘personality change’ karishma’s talking about.

By: Kate

Kate — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 18:08:57 +0000

When I read your comments about your dad, I immediately thought of my dad. He was just the same – willing to help anyone, never asking for anything in return, and never met a stranger. When he died, there were hundreds at his funeral, people from all walks of life, and they all had the same testimony, “Your dad truly cared about me – he took the time to listen, and would always remember what we’d talked about on previous occasions.”
To me, this way of living means more than having all the money in the world. Relationships matter so much more than money does.

By: Sharon L

Sharon L — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 21:55:35 +0000

Just look around! When you approach a door, is there someone else approaching? When you are in the store, and a vertically challenged or disabled person is in the aisle with you, ask if you can reach something for them. If a friend mentions a problem or project, ask if you can help them. Pay attention to what is going on around you. Take out the I-Pod, look around, listen to people.

It isn’t a “personality change.” It is just a decision that you are going to be sure to do a good deed at least once a day. Then look for opportunities to do so.

By: karishma

karishma — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:16:23 +0000

Does he offer any tips on how to develop this type of personality? (I’ve only read a little further than you covered in this post).

It’s all very well to say that we should be the kind of person that helps everyone we come across whenever we can. Some people have this kind of personality built in – I know more than a few people who seem not only to always be willing to help when others need a hand, but also to always know when such help is needed.

That’s really the tricky part for me, and I suspect, for all introverts – being aware of the needs of other people when they don’t specifically ask you for help.

I think this is built into the definition of introvert – our personalities are inward-focused, so we’re very self-centered. Not that we don’t care about other people, just that they only register on our radar when they interact with us.

Basically, out of sight, out of mind. So I’m always hearing about situations after the fact, and regretting because I could have helped out if I had known earlier.

How do I change my personality so that I take the initiative to learn about other people, rather than wait till they tell me?

By: ChrisB

ChrisB — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:28:50 +0000

Rosa, I agree that many/most of us need to learn or relearn relationship building… my unease is due to the fact that Ferrazzi seems to assign a purpose to the relationships beyond themselves. Consider the subtitle of the book: “secrets to success”. Or Trent’s summary of book’s rationale:

“I believe that a healthy net of relationships is the most valuable thing that we can build. With a wide circle of colleagues, contacts, friends, and mentors around us, we can rely on them for help when we need it and also receive unexpected help on a regular basis.”

It’s certainly true that with a wide circle of relations we have access to assistance when needed or when unexpected. But do we build the circle *for* that purpose, or for itself, with any benefits as unintended pleasant side effects? The more relationships the better, but for their own sake, not because they are a “secret to success”.

Or am I offbase in my evaluation of the purpose of the book?

By: Rosa

Rosa — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:27:02 +0000

I don’t know, it sounds like Trent’s dad does it because he grew up that way and lives in a community that practices mutual aid.

Lots of us grew up rootless, or left our communities because that was what it took to be financially better off, and we have to learn or relearn that kind of relationship building.

By: ChrisB

ChrisB — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:54:45 +0000

Ever since Trent first reviewed this book I’ve been uncomfortable with it and the general view which it exemplifies… I think it comes down to the fact that Ferrazzi assigns a larger, seemingly self-serving purpose to something which people like Trent’s dad do just because it’s either who they are or it’s the right thing to do (depending on the context). I make friends fairly easily, but I’ve always looked sideways at networking because of this.

By: Tahlia42

Tahlia42 — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:41:40 +0000

I also have never received a job based on who I know. Having spent my first career as an HR professional, however, I was able to refer a LOT of people I knew for employment – not just in the companies I’ve worked for, but through my HR network. I’ve had more of an opportunity to help than many, so I felt it was the right thing to do.

I was also the “go to” person when friends needed their resumes updated or some interview practice. They were skills I had that others needed. I never expected anything in return. Yet whenever I needed help moving, or was sick or injured, a cat sitter, or rides to the airport, they always seemed to materialize for me.

By: Alison

Alison — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 13:03:42 +0000

Trent,

I have been following you for almost 2 years now on a daily basis, and this last week or more reading at your site crashes Mozilla Firefox repeatedly (while connected via plug to a lan line).

I am not sure if you have some new complex ads, or something else going on in the background. Just wanted you to know.

Thanks.

By: Matt Sullivan

Matt Sullivan — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 12:52:37 +0000

Trent,

“Give your time, money, and expertise to your growing community of friends.”

Wow! This sounds like a great book. I will pick it up later this week.

By: Russ

Russ — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 09:53:04 +0000

“This is undeniably true. There is no significant job I’ve had in my life that wasn’t at least partly set up by a personal connection I made.”

Undeniably true for you maybe, but this is hardly any sort of universal constant. I’m on my third ’significant’ career job over 10 years, and not one of them came from a personal connection. Of the 10 people I’ve been directly responsible for hiring in the last 4 years, only two of them were from personal referrals.

By: Generation Y Investor

Generation Y Investor — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:38:49 +0000

This book seems really interesting to me. I plan on reading it right after the current book I’m reading.

This first chapter reminds me of Dave Ramsey and when he talks about giving and how givers who serve others receive more than those who don’t give.

Can’t wait for the rest of these posts!

-Gen Y Investor

By: Java Monster

Java Monster — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:18:38 +0000

Does this work for introverts or folks who are not socially adept? What are the limits? Is it different if you’re a man than if you’re a woman and you’re *expected* to be a giver and never expect anything back? Where are the boundaries? WHAT are the boundaries?

By: bethany

bethany — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 21:23:07 +0000

I tend to think of these things not in terms of what I can get from my relationships (though I get plenty) but what kind of a person I want to be. I would say I would rather be a person who is generous and helpful than most other goals in my life. That in itself is a reward.

By: T'Pol

T'Pol — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 21:17:53 +0000

Back in my late twenties, I have discovered that doing something nice for other people pleased me in the first place. Listening to someone who needs to be heard, staying with a sick parent of a friend at the hospital just to give the friend some time to go shower and take care of other things, offering to edit a master thesis and many other small things make me feel very very good. When I offer help, I do not expect anything in return, I just expect myself to feel good. It sounds a bit selfish but that’s how I feel.

By: Michael

Michael — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 21:05:11 +0000

Your Dad sounds wonderful.

By: Kevin@OutOfYourRut

Kevin@OutOfYourRut — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 20:49:53 +0000

“What many of my fellow [business school] students lacked, I discovered, were the skills and strategies that are associated with fostering and building relationships.”

This is one of those soft skills that aren’t taught in college, but often make the crucial difference between desk jockies and true success stories. Schools emphasize only one skill–academics. But the most crucial is people skills which is why so many top business people come out of sales. Building relationships is fundamental to sales and carries to so many other areas.

We often forget that what ever we can accomplish alone, we can do to an even greater degree with the help of others.