Comments on: Reader Mailbag: Time

By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 22:38:08 +0000

In response to Heidi and the other readers who commented: While for a relationship it maybe be debt that both of them have to contend with, Heidi is not legally responsible for it. By being unmarried, her partner’s debt is not her responsibility. If they roll it into the mortgage, it becomes Heidi’s responsibility and also throws off the calculations of how much house they each own. As much as people in a relationship have to consider the whole financial picture, owning property when you are not married puts you in a business relationship and if she is not comfortable adding personal CC into their shared assets, there are legal reasons backing her up. If you are married, you take on your partner’s debts, but you also automatically get a stake in the assets. If you are unmarried, none of that happens automatically and can be much more difficult to suss out.

By: Lily

Lily — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:51:54 +0000

Lost: Since subscribing to Netflix I’ve been watching Lost streamlined to my computer. It’s fascinating and addicting. Just finished series one and can’t get enough of it! Glad to see Trent is a fan, too.

By: Jane

Jane — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:22:13 +0000

About the “travel hacking.” I’m a very frequent flyer, not just elite but lets say super elite on one airline, mini elite on another. When you get to my status there is no reason to get a frequent flyer credit card. Heck in the last 18 months I’ve gone on 2 round trip domestic flights, “paid” for one more in May and have “paid” for my mom to come down and pet sit in an emergency and still have over 150,000 miles. (The mom visit was unexpected business trip while the pet nanny was on her yearly vacation, they like to drive down to me usually.) Two of those trips have been at the last minute, ie. less than 48 hours before I reserved. I think the credit cards are really aimed at people who fly some but don’t fly all that much. In that case, you are better off just getting a general rewards card that is not connected to a specific airline or a cash back card and putting the cash in a flights fund. Before I moved to my current position where I fly so much I had gotten a rewards card with the intention of using it for flights, I found that I ended up going with the cash back option because I would always look at the cost of flying first since it always was less that $300 or so just paid for the flight.

As far as black out dates, again if you are elite they disappear so can’t tell you about it.

By: GayleRN

GayleRN — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 04:41:42 +0000

Michelle, there is an awful lot of money that as near as I can figure is not well accounted for. Start looking for where it is going. Best bets are another woman or an addiction such as gambling or substance abuse. Meanwhile, stash money where he can’t get at it, very literally. I eventually found the other woman, who eventually took him for all he was worth. I separated my finances from his really fast. I also found that it is very easy to notify the bank, credit card companies, and all brokerages, administrators of retirement plans etc, by phone that divorce papers had been filed. This instantly froze every account. He couldn’t access anything of mine or anything that was joint. Since I was the only one with an actual paycheck I simply started another checking account after the papers were filed. Oh, and stash some actual cash somewhere. I ended up with $10K stashed in my work locker for a while.Good luck.

By: Pattie, RN

Pattie, RN — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 11:21:24 +0000

Michelle, please listen to all the voices here telling you the same thing: YOU DON’T HAVE A MONEY PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A MARRIAGE PROBLEM. I am a very strong believer in the importance of marriage and two-parent families, but it this case, you ARE a single parent with TWO children already. Please put up a huge fence between his finances and yours, for the sake of you and your helpless daughter. Try counseling, but you husband seems stuck in adolescence; rebelling against his “new mommy”….you. And while you are working this out, be VERY carefull not to get pregnant. Life as a single parent of one child is VASTLY easier than from with two kids to balance—-with a deadbeat, noncontributing ex!

By: SLCCOM

SLCCOM — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 06:51:53 +0000

I have a Tracfone. As long as you make the annual minutes purchase the old minutes DO roll over. All of them.

Michelle, I hope you can get out of this tangled mess without too much financial, emotional and legal damage! You may have married a con man, too, but in any case you are in a serious fix. Everyone has given you great advice. There is no shame in making a mistake. The shames lies in staying with the mistake, and repeating the same mistake.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 23:58:57 +0000

Michelle – Something else you can do is pull your free credit report from one of the 3 major companies to see whether any of your husband’s accounts are showing up – that would tell you where you stand right now. (You can get 1 free one per quarter, or pay a nominal fee to pull all 3 at the same time, if you want.) I believe you may be able to ask the 3 reporting companies to attach a note to your individual file that is a disclaimer of any knowledge of or responsibility for accounts he has set up in his name – which would be seen by creditors who pull your report. Since you already have your mortgage set up & your car is paid off, for the immediate time being you don’t need to worry too much. #35′s idea of a post-nup agreement would be a more official kind of disclaimer notice, and might serve as a wake-up call to your husband that you’re through giving him a free ride.

By: cynthia

cynthia — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 23:47:53 +0000

Dear Michelle,
Your story was mine, but the numbers would be higher. I am now a single mom and my standard of living, savings rate and peace of mind are much better. My ex makes no financial contribution to our child, but this is better than the financial drain he was during our marriage. I do believe that all people can change, but I don’t think that people change just because we need them to. I wish you and your family the best, but think that you need to protect your child, too.

By: reulte

reulte — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 19:56:07 +0000

Michelle – another point.

IF you get divorced and even if his debts don’t follow you or become your responsibility legally, you will still be pursued by collection agencies. I don’t know the legality of it — but I still consistantly get dunning notices for my husband’s debts after 6 years and moving three times overseas(as part of my job).

I had a pre-nup as well as a post-nup – which is a pre-nup for after you’re married – which you might want to see a lawyer about particularly if you chose to remain with your husband.

By: Karen

Karen — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 15:45:50 +0000

I heart Lost!!!! Good point about Jack fixing Locke – hadn’t thought about that.

By: Kevin

Kevin — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 13:43:16 +0000

@Michelle: “Our mortgage is in my name”

Whoa – that sent up a HUGE red flag for me! Nevermind whose name the mortgage is in, whose name is the *DEED* in? This could be a major problem in a divorce proceeding. You may be forced to split the asset (the house) with him, but you’d get stuck with the entire mortgage (since it’s not a marital asset/liability). Before you do anything else, I would ensure that his name is NOT on the deed, or get him to cosign onto the mortgage debt. Note that given his shoddy credit history, they may require you to refinance in order to add him to the loan, and the new loan terms might not be nearly as favourable as your current terms (higher interest rate, requiring PMI, whatever).

Regardless, if his name is on the deed (but not the mortgage), you may have placed yourself in an enormously vulnerable position here, financially speaking. I’d get that rectified immediately.

Even though you explicitly requested otherwise, I agree with the others who said what you really need is relationship advice, not financial advice. Financially, you’re on the Titanic. There are no tips that can save you from the financial disaster that is unfolding in your life. You need to get your relationship straightened out, or cut your ties before he takes you down with him.

By: Kevin

Kevin — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 13:36:26 +0000

Rolling credit card debt into a mortgage is a bad idea. Sure, a 5% mortgage is less interest than a 20% credit card, but if you take 15 years to pay it back (the length of the mortgage) rather than 2 years (if you were seeing the credit card bill every month), then you actually end up paying MORE in interest.

Rolling it into the mortgage takes it out of sight, and out of mind. You don’t feel any pressure to pay it off more quickly. Furthermore, with the space you freed up on your credit card, you’re much more likely to go back into debt on it. Leaving it on the card keeps it at the forefront of your attention, making you more likely to focus on paying it off. It also discourages you from piling even more debt onto the card (since its already nearly maxxed out).

By: Steffie

Steffie — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 12:56:48 +0000

Michelle, I feel for you. I was married, signed the tax form and was on the hook for 25k after the divorce and he stopped working. There was no innocent spouse clause back then. Please get a trusted friend of your own to talk to and start to make plans. See the lawyer etc but make sure that you and your child can be safe in your home if/when your husband finds out what you are doing. You don’t know what kind of reaction this will elicit from him.

By: getagrip

getagrip — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 12:45:26 +0000

@ Michelle I echo the advice with respect to others that you must speak with a lawyer in your state to determine if you are going to be responsible for the debt. I would also suggest that if you don’t have a clear idea of where the money is being spent, particulalry if it isn’t being spent on things you can physically see and match the value of spent money, you hire a Private Investigator after talking to a lawyer. There is a very good chance the financial problem is greater than you imagine in that you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg.

By: Katie

Katie — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 12:20:47 +0000

Re: the car loan. I think you might have missed that the loan may be for a fixed amount, regardless of early pay-off. If so, paying extra isn’t going to lessen the overall amount that must be repaid. Some car loans are that way and when my young adult son got a car loan last year I made him aware of such shenanigans and he was certain to get one with no early payment penalty.

By: deRuiter

deRuiter — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 10:59:03 +0000

Dear Michelle, The only thing you NEED is marital advice. Your husband is not going to change, you’re going to live your whole married life in debt / bankruptcy cycle. If you like him with his bad spending better than you want financial peace, stay with him. If you tire of living in deep debt /bankruptcy the rest of your life, dump him. There’s no fixing this man, he doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t want you and your child to be financially secure, and he doesn’t care about you enough to stop spending. The choice is yours. You know how to manage money on your own, you don’t need financial advice. Michelle, you saw these red flags before you married him, and you married him anyway, thinking you could “fix” him, a very female trait. None of us can “fix” another person. Anyone thinking of marrying a financial disaster to “fix” or “help” him / her, GET THEM TO FIX THEIR FINANCIES BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED AND TAKE ON TTHE OTHER PERSON’S DEBT.

By: skywind

skywind — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 10:42:44 +0000

“The important question is to consider whose names the debts are in. If he’s applying for credit cards on his own, are they just in his name? If they are and you file for divorce, they will remain his debts and are not your concern. If they’re in both of your names, you need to get your name removed from as much of it as possible if you’re considering a separation.”

I’m an attorney in Florida, which is not a community property state. It is an equitable distribution state, which means Michelle would be equally liable for her husband’s debts (and he for hers) regardless of whose name they are in. Removing his name doesn’t help. She needs to see a lawyer in her state ASAP, and it’s my opinion that everyone considering marriage needs a prenup, especially if you’re going into a situation where you have concerns about your partner’s finances. You can’t change another person, but you can protect yourself.

By: Amy H.

Amy H. — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 07:49:55 +0000

As others have pointed out above, whether Michelle is legally liable for debts her husband incurred/incurs while they are married depends on what state they live in. If they live in a community property state, like California, she is on the hook for half the debt he incurs while they are married, no matter whose name it’s in. Michelle should talk to a lawyer.

By: Leah

Leah — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 05:01:51 +0000

Beth, I’m also an environmental educator. I have to say a few things:

1) this type of job can be a good stepping stone to becoming a classroom teacher or community educator. Most of the people I’ve worked with have gone on to become teachers.

2) You CAN spin this job into better opportunities, but it takes time and effort. I’ve got 1.5 years of experience at short-term stuff, and I’m moving into better jobs now. Still, it takes about 3 years or more of experience, depending on your area, to move into full-time, permanent positions that are benefited. I don’t have one yet, but I do finally have a job making $12 an hour (but no room/board included, which is fine, because I prefer my own apartment and cooking).

You could also spin your experience into national park service jobs, which again pay a bit more.

Honestly, as long as you’re taking care of your bills, I think your parents should stay off your back. I’ve been doing this for two years now, and I haven’t yet moved back home or borrowed anything from my parents. My mom also hassles me about the money, but I tell her to let me find my own path. I’m still not 100% sure this is the career I want, but I am building good experience that will still help out in future jobs.

By: et

et — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:07:14 +0000

Heidi – It is never a good idea to pay off unsecured debts (credit cards) with a secured debt (house loan or home equity line of credit). Ask yourself if you’re willing to potentially lose your home in order to save some interest – in the worst case scenario that something happens down the road and that house payment can’t be made. The recommendation in comment # 6 would be useful to you too.

Michelle – What Molly on Money @ #6 said. Adults should not be bailing other adults out – especially if good faith assistance is taken advantage of. If the credit cards are in his name, it shouldn’t effect your credit. If he’s continuing to get more credit cards against your wishes, then you really need to close your eyes to that & let him deal with it, however badly. But if you add his debts to your credit card or line & something happens to your situation so you are unable to pay it off, then you have taken the responsibility & it will effect you. In some cases you might be on the hook for his (depends on state laws), but you have to decide whether you bite the bullet now & cut your losses, or hang in & get deeper in the hole.