Just tell them you don’t feel like doing such & such. You say your interests are changing and you find yourself doing other things. So, invite them to the ‘other things’. Don’t bother bringing up the frugality issue. Be open to finding more friends in those new activities and inviting old friends to your new activities.

We heartily agree with Trent’s ideas about sharing meals and game nights, etc. when you cannot afford to do (or, do not chooose to share) the activities they undertake.

however, this has limits. Because the reality is, you may be creating some memories but those friends or families do have those other shared experiences, which can really matter to others.

The reality is, for some people, whether family or friends, your alternatives are not gonna be of interest.

Most people we know have very, very limited free time due to work and family demands. When they have time, they want to do something they really really really want, be it theater or a concert or a sports event. A nite in with a rented movie or games, is not their preferred use.

So the reality is, a lot of times, friendships are limited by how you spend your time. Period.

In theory, “if you liked us, you would FILL IN THE BLANK,” should be a viable alternative. In real life, not so much.

And that doesn’t mean the folks heading to those places are shallow or without values.

We know plenty of people who have the resources to travel a lot more than we can afford, to entertain on a level that we cannot match. The “real” friends among them accept that we cannot and are open to lots of different ways of socializing. But just because they do stuff doesn’t mean they are without values.

Again, I still kinda feel that negative judgmental attitude in Trent. Everyone does not have to embrace frugality as he and others here do. The acceptance works BOTH ways.

YOUR priorities do not have to be OTHERS’ priorities.

Sometimes, it really does seem that “frugal” folks look down on those who spend.

Often, we have friends (or varying degrees and types) not based on shared values but on shared experiences or interests. These friendships are no better or worse or more relevant or of value than those with people with whom we may share core beliefs (lifestyle, politics, spending, etc.)

Work is one place where we develop friendships that are predicated more perhaps on shared workstyles and interests than one’s personal beliefs. But these can be valuable friendships in many ways.

Often, we meet people who share our passions, and little else.

The real tough part is family because the reality is, despite the pretty pictures that many paint, many of us do not share good memories, values, lifestyle and financial choices with our “families” of origin. Yet, we often still love and care for these people, DESPITE their attitudes and beliefs that we not only do not share but may actively violate our most basic and core beliefs. That is a real challenge in life and one that does not easily find ways to resolve.

Family gatherings of any type are breeding grounds for all sorts of bad behavior, despite the attempts of many to achieve a sort of neutrality and open-ness. Just doesn’t happen.

I have to question Trent’s conclusion that “I firmly believe that if you surround yourself with people who mostly value different things than you do, you will be unhappy. I also firmly believe that if you seek out groups of people with which you share at least some values, you’re likely to build great relationships and friendships”

We value all the friendships in our lives, for different reasons. And as we matured, we have learned to take each in context. We believe what we believe and do not need others to validate it.

Real friendships evolve organically. We feel it’s more important to be authentic in who you are and not pretend to be something you aren’t (which so many people do in an attempt to “move up”, whatever that may mean) and that helps you meet and get to know others who will appreciate us for who we are.

Contrived relationships exist for various reasons, but they are not what we would consider friendships.

In the meantime, we have a core group of people who share our values on friendship, but not always our life values on everything. (Yes, it’s a real surprise to realize that people you adore on so many levels hold views that are diametrically opposed to your own on key life issues, usually manifest thru their political views. But you can still have great relationships.

You just have to know, honor and respect others and THEIR POVs and values as you do your own. That’s the key. If you both can do that, friendship will survive.

Trent, sorry, your version of friendship sounds more like “mirroring” than anything else. While that is valid and works, it is not the preferred or even most desirable way to build friendships.

Friendships are as different and varied as the people we meet. It’s up to us to choose to value what we find and not just keep looking for what we deem essential.

People who are open to others who do not think or act like them tend to have a broader and more diverse, and often as deep and meaningful, series of relationships than those who “limit” them to certain types.

I’m sorry, but I just get the feeling of judgment when I read your words on this Trent. I don’t think that is your intention, but you often come off as very narrow and isolated in your approach to a lot of stuff. Which is absolutely OK. You get to live your life as you wish. I just think you might need more diversity.

We live in a major city and we know all kinds of folks from all over with so many different views and opinions. We have had to rethink a great deal in our own lives and while we retain our core values, we do see the world differently thanks to the exposure to these people who do not think or act just as we do. We are very lucky.

I think I would talk to your closest friends and tell them you’ve got money problems/you’re getting out of debt (and let them let the word get around) but you miss spending time with them. Ask if they have any ideas for things you could do together that are inexpensive, or bring a list of things in the area you can suggest and see if they’re interested in any of them. You may not be the only one who wants less expensive social opportunities!

This has happened a lot, especially in the mailbag section. In the email version, the text size changes even though it is still the letter writer.

I don’t know if this has been mentioned before – if this confuses anyone but me! But I thought I would let you know.

That pretty much sums up how I feel about money and friends. I don’t understand why people feel compelled to try to hang on to relationships that don’t have anything substantial behind them.

Another idea would be a potluck dinner followed by a Wii tournament.

You could have an Eater egg hunt and brunch (sometime around Easter, doesn’t have to be on that day). The teens could hide ‘em and the little ones could find ‘em.