There is no downside to figuring out a way to deal maturely with relationship problems using a professional. There are tremendous downsides to ignoring the underlying problem and letting decades of damage to relationships go on. There is absolutely no way that this is helping her relationship with her husband, either.

A grownup will get help to deal with things that are causing problems, particularly when they are turning into just about a war in the family. An emotional child will insist that “this is just about boundaries” and stubbornly insist that s/he is right and nobody else could possibly have a valid point.

My SILs used to give DD tons of gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I told them not to but they insisted (DD was first grandkid in family). They did not have the money to spend on the gifts either. I told them I would not recipricate when they had kids and they still did it. Well, now SIL has a kid and I don’t buy for him – can’t afford to – but she was relieved the first Christmas I said to not give my (now 2) kids anything and to spend on her child. She still gives something little, my other SIL (not married no kids) still gives a little but she has more to buy for now so not as extensive. DD is now 7 and asked this past year why she doesn’t get as many presents. I told her it was because she was lucky to get what she got when she got it and now there’s more in the family. She seemed a little hurt but I explained Christmas is not about gifts and to have fun with her aunts/uncles/cousins when she gets a chance.

Shevy (and others saying to store the toys) There may not be space to put age-inappropriate toys away until the children are older – Wendy even mentions they have no attic, basement or garage.

When my boy was a toddler, he also didn’t watch TV nor eat sweets/snacks. As he grew older, he watched what I permitted him to watch on TV/DVD. When he was given a video game at the age of 7, the giver first discussed this with me. The boundaries I set for him were very restricted and people complained that I was too controlling and he would grow up to rebel against them. Well, he hasn’t finished growing up yet; but he’s a happy, outgoing boy who doesn’t like sweets very often (I toss out 90% of his Halloween/ Christmas/ Valentine’s candy) and stops playing video games after a reasonable time to do something else like play outside.

Wendy — I think your only problem with MIL and SIL is the boundary one you mention. I think that is the problem with every marriage — boundaries have to be made with new people. Keep working on it… talk to your ILs; explaining your position and not just about toys and TV. Try not to bring up specific incidents with your MIL/SIL. Good luck.

I’m leaning towards the 100-count transluscent set, but it is the most expensive — $120.

Is that what you recommend?

Thanks for the tip!

Ian

Somehow the “toys that make noise” never do fit into our luggage on the way home. :) But they’re fun to visit at the grandparents’ place.

You and the MIL need to reach some sort of compromise here. I would absolutely hate to be your husband. He sees his mother (she’s not just someone he grew up with, it’s his mother) four times a year and is likely walking on eggshells the entire time, while you and her have some sort of seething contest. Does he take off with his dad a lot? I bet they both are sick to death of hearing about it. Do your parents live close enough to do the “experience” things and they don’t?

Also, you say you don’t like passive-aggressiveness, but your relationship with the mother forces your husband to deal with the aftermath “quietly”. Talk about a lot of pressure on your man.

I realize that text is not the most constructive way to share this kind of story and it’s very highly likely there is a considerable backstory. But you need to come to an arrangement with your in-laws because they do seem to be trying to do “the right thing”, albeit not in a way you like. It’s not like the other comment where the grandparent blithely ignored a medical condition and the kids ended up in the ER.

At the same time, Wendy, I agree with most of the posters who say that if the worst problem you ever have with your inlaws is that they give your kids too many toys or the wrong toys, then you don’t have a “big problem”. You’ll see. I had to ONE TIME quietly let a toy disappear when it was something I didn’t want them to have. I took it to Toys R Us after Christmas, told them I didn’t want it (it was new) and they took it back and gave me credit. I took the credit and bought a toy I DID want them to have (a Little Tikes truck, I think).

I’ve got 5 kids, Wendy. My kids haven’t been “utterly spoiled” by their relatives since our families (19 grandkids on one side and almost that many on the other) are too big for that kind of spoiling. However, you could exchange the things they get for things you do want your kids to have like Duplos (they are a GREAT gift for the little ones). Maybe because we didn’t have much money when ours were young, but I have a hard time imagining getting rid of brand new toys when they can be used for exchanging into some really nice toys!

I can’t imagine, personally, giving these little guys so many gifts, since they don’t really understand yet what is going on. Don’t they get tired of opening presents? Mostly at the very young ages, they love the boxes and the paper that the presents come in!

Now, if they were like Laurie’s MIL (who fed her diabetic, peanut-allergic child Reese’s cereal) or if they were likely to let your child wander to the top of a flight of concrete steps without comment, or if you were worried that they might hit your children, I could understand. But a single DVD is not going to destroy your child!

While I think SLCCOM was over the top talking about badly how you need therapy it’s also worth noting that you a) described yourself as a control freak, b) talked about how you resented people trying to “buy” your love when you were younger and c) “don’t deal well with [what you perceive as] passive aggressiveness”.

You may be right and your husband’s relatives may all be very dysfunctional but you may also be overreacting or misperceiving what’s going on based on things you experienced when you were younger. Even if you can’t bring yourself to give them the benefit of the doubt, at least realize that everybody does the best they can with the tools (skills) they have and try to cut them a little slack.

Your perception that people were trying to “buy your love” rather than spend time with you may or may not be correct, and your perception that your inlaws are doing the same with your kids also may or may not be correct, but it sounds to me like you are painting your inlaws with a brush they don’t deserve without knowing one way or another.

The ultimate beneficiary of the therapy is you. You may discover that your perception was correct, and find a way to heal the pain of the rejection you experienced. You may find that your parents (or whomever) were actually modeling their love in the way they learned to show it, and this understanding will help you heal the pain of the perceived rejection. No parents do everything perfectly, and they are very much influenced by (or victims of) the parenting they received.

Of course, your kids will be seeing a therapist someday for the mistakes you make and will make. Don’t you want to model a healthy way to deal with childhood pain?

My husband and I discuss the values and principles with which we are raising our kids, and he certainly challenges me to think through things when we have a difference of opinion. The big difference is that he is every bit as laid back as I am a control freak. He definitely backs me up when issues arise, but he grew up with her. He is more accustomed to her expectations, sensitivities, and ways of communicating. I don’t deal well with passive-aggressiveness. I want to be able to discuss things openly, but when I do, she sees it as an attack. Because he knows how she reacts to things, my husband would rather quietly deal with the aftermath than bring it up with her ahead of time.

When I give away gifts ‘openly’, I mean with regard to the kids- they see it go to a friend or get dropped off at goodwill. I never openly tell people when I get rid of their gifts, but I don’t lie if they ask. If I give someone a gift, i want them to enjoy it to the fullest extent possible. If they derive the most enjoyment from immediately giving it away for any reason at all, I only hope it goes to someone who _would_ enjoy owning it rather than to a landfill.

I resented people trying to buy my love (rather than spend time with me) when I was growing up, and it seems even more pronounced now that I see similar patterns happening with my kids.

I wish our grandparents would take the 529 suggestions. We’ve talked it up and told them how easy it would be to make direct deposits into it for gifts, but they like to buy the toys & clothes too.

Sort of related to the end of Trent’s post (but not really to the comments) my dad would never tell us his political affiliation growing up or who he voted for in elections. It wasn’t until recently that he started having discussions with us about it (post-college). But it is funny that our political leanings are very similar.

But if I were the mother of the diabetic child I would never let that MIL in a room unsupervised with my children, that’s borderline criminal.

Wendy my only comment is that you need to separate your objection to the excess from your objection to inappropriate things.
If it’s something they’ll not be allowed to use while they’re living under your room [for example, gun type toys are simply out in our house - my son? would love them but will have to content himself with buying them when he moves out someday - I did tell him I'd gladly take him to a range to learn to care for and shoot a REAL gun with the respect it deserves - not to play 'killing' games] then just give it away – put it away for a few weeks and then make it gone.
If it’s something they’ll be ready for soon, thank them and point out the age suggestion, and tell them you’ll put it away till they’re a little older – or if that won’t work tell them they got so upset or frustrated with it that you put it away till they’re more facile with the skills required.
As for the excess? That’s a losing battle -talk with your kids about your values, about the kids who don’t have enough, visit the ‘giving trees’ at Christmastime, let them pack up toys to give to those in need etc – they’ll learn

Believe me soon enough no matter what they get they’ll be rolling their eyes at the thing grannie chose- this too shall pass

Too many toys is one issue. It is more of a harmless thing and nothing to get upset about. Grandparents and relatives are going to pile gifts on your kids. You’ll just have to deal with the tragedy of having generous relatives.

The nature of the toys is the real problem issue. The bit about “standards for marketed characters or quality of play” stuck out to me. Sounds like Wendy is not allowing any Disney characters or stuff like that. If this is the case then Wendy needs to learn to deal with people arguing her opinions and disregarding them. When you are the “odd man out” the whole world doesn’t always bend to accommodate you. You can’t throw yourself at odds with everyone around you then get upset and perplexed that everyone doesn’t automatically accommodate you. You may as well be a strict vegan at a Texas BBQ then get upset that nobody makes a good tofu based dish.

I think it does hinge on what the rules are exactly and how bad the relatives are breaking them. If Wendy is politely requesting no violent toys and clearly explaining to the inlaws that she has a rule against violent toys and then getting a pile of guns every Xmas then that is one thing. But if Wendy is saying her kids eat no sugar ever (including no b-day cake) and that all of their toys must be hand crafted with only certain colors and pass some sort of certification for educational value then that might come across as “crazy talk” to the world around her.

This bit also sticks out: “Neither of them have taken the kids on her own because I can’t even trust them to follow our guidelines when we are present.” So grandma isn’t allowed to be alone with the kids because of what? You are afraid she might expose them to Kermit the frog or allow them to eat some candy? I think the kids will live through it. You really shouldn’t be afraid to leave the kids with grandma unless she is some sort of irresponsible felon or has dementia or something. This does frankly sound too controlling and over protective.