Moving elderly parents to the home of the child can backfire. As people leave their entire support system and friends and familiar places, they often deteriorate much faster than they would have if they had stayed in familiar surroundings. This doesn’t mean it is automatically a mistake, but that has to be taken into consideration. If they have loyal friends who can do some of the caregiving, it might be a better solution than moving to the child’s location. If this looks like it might be an issue, moving sooner while the parent is able to make friends and get involved in the community is a good solution.

The expenses of caregiving are significant. About 20 years ago at at aging conference, I learned that caregiving costs the average woman over $600,000 due to quitting work, or reducing their hours, foregone pension and investment income and medical expenses for themselves, as they lost their health insurance when they lost or quit their jobs. This figure, as I recall, did NOT include expenses for the person cared for!

Many parents and children will swear that they do not want a nursing home involved, ever. Sadly, what ends up happening is the caregiver ends her/his life in poverty and destroys their health during the process. Really, what parent would want to have their child end up this way?

Sometimes nursing homes are actually the best available option, and I find it difficult to think that once the parent died a child who is impoverished and injured and ill really thinks all that fondly of the parent that caused this current lifestyle due to selfishness.

People need to think the whole thing through, including the impact on the caregiver. And on the family. When the caregiver ends up with nothing from the estate while siblings who did little or nothing get it all, that can’t be good for family feelings!

When she turned 75, she set up all the Power of Attorney documents, naming me and my 2 sisters and stipulating that ANY decision made regarding her medical care, financial situation, or whatever, MUST be agreed upon in writing by at least two of us. She’s also made sure we each have copies of every document we could ever need, and shown us where she keeps all the originals.

Of course, considering the shape she’s in, she could very well outlive us all :-)

It might help if you could start having your parents come to you more often so they can acclimate to stores, etc.. You are young and still making choices about your life, and you should continue to have that opportunity. It’s probably better for your family if you can get a surving parent to come live with you rather than vice versa. But if Alzheimers becomes an issue, you may not have the choice.

I used to think that having siblings would make this easier but after seeing the fights my friends have within their families over these issues, I’m relieved that I’m an only child!

Good luck!

In my observation, people who delay estate planning (perhaps, as some have noted, because they don’t want to think about their inevitable death) are even more likely to stick their fingers in their ears and go “la la la” when someone tries to talk about long-term care.

I’m going to take the approach that some above have recommended, which is: get my OWN affairs in order, present the plans to my dilatory parents, and hope this prompts them to finally address their own situation.

Alternately, you always read about situations where the caregiver takes advantage of the elder person.

Sometimes the best of intentions can be misinterpreted if you come on too strong.

I’m sure this is something your father has thought about, and probably is going through some level of avoidance about as well, and may not be eager to have you force his hand. That doesn’t mean forget it, just be very cautious in the early stages.

I really don’t see a problem with parents expecting some degree of care later in life from their children. Like I said, I would consider it a privilege to care for my parents. That’s not to say it won’t be hard or a strain on my own family, but they have cared for me in so many ways over the years that it makes me WANT to do the same for them some day.

Perhaps the best way to approach one’s parents as they age is to ask them for the information someone will need if they die. “Who will I need to call?” Within the context of conversation of couse … for instance, with a new baby on the way, Trent can mention that he’s having to update his will . . . do his parents have one? When talking about somean obituary . . . you can ask “if you died, would you want to donate body parts/be cremated or buried/have this song or that at the services?” If you get the answer of “None of your business”, you can always say, “I don’t want to argue with my siblings – we need to know what you want.”

Welcome to the Sandwich Generation, Trent. Burdened with caring for aging parents who haven’t adequately prepare financially for their own old age, while simultaneously trying to raise your own children.

And don’t forget to save up for your OWN retirement during all this, lest you repeat the cycle and find yourself burdening your own children (although admittedly, for some people, that’s their entire retirement plan, and the very reason they have children).

What worked for me is that when I had my first child, we redid all our wills, proxy’s etc and told her I negotiated a 2 for 1 deal with my lawyer. Since she’s frugal, she decided to take advantage and get her affairs in order at the same time. Plus, since I was doing it at 30, she felt silly not doing it at 70.

My mom did agree to move to the town I live and it’s been great. I wasn’t sure she’d do it but when I offered, she said “why not”.

She still surprises me from time to time.