As a through and through Asker who was born into a Guesser family, I never could figure out all the “putting out feelers” thing … total waste of time it seemed to me, plus I would never be clear on just WHAT was being asked for/wanted/guessed at.

If I am interacting with an acquaintance or even a close friend who I feel is uncomfortable with direct requests (NOW I know why … they’re a Guesser), I preface my request with “You know me … I ask for anything, and “No” is always an option”, and then I make my request.

And unless I’m NOT reading between the lines well, this seems to work well for both me and the person I am speaking with.

I play an online game where you can buy virtual items with real cash – and I don’t often, for obvious reasons, but budget a small amount for it in my play budget. You can also trade items if you’re tired of them or bought a “mystery” item that didn’t give the result you wanted. I constantly have people popping up wanting to trade something they paid $2 for against something I paid $6 for (and gave up StarBucks for two weeks’ one-day splurge to afford), and I’m sure they’re thinking “oh, I’ll just try and see if they agree,” but they really irk me especially when I get four in a row and it *does* pain me to turn down an offer. If someone makes me a series of patently unfair offers that don’t take my needs into consideration, I will refuse their friend requests and sometimes even block them so I don’t have to keep going through it.

Which ties straight into both the two-tits-for-one-tat research (effective relationship/games trust negotiators typically give cooperative effort two tries even if given an unfair response once, then switch to returning the behavior they are shown by the other party if the “tat” continues to be negative), and also into recent research on the dynamics of sharing that’s shown when two people are given $10 and one is told they can choose to divide it in any way they choose, the passive receiver will often reject a split which is patently unfair even if it ultimately means that neither ultimately receives anything.

I think the Askers, if they exhibit sufficient insensitivity to their trade partner, risk both the partner switching to the same approach or the partner withdrawing entirely, so in many professions this could be a career damager. Some professions may better for Askers – like law? Some professions may attract too many of them – I think there’s a reason car dealers have a bad reputation for inconsideration of their customers’ real needs and it might be because too many are too far down the Asker scale.

On the other hand, being as much of a Guesser as I am is certainly a handicap in this society – I often read people much more clearly than my friends and can respond to their emotional needs well as a result, great for my computer training and assistance job and probably great if I went into counseling, teaching or other supportive roles. But how does that stack up against the fact that I know I’ve lost potential raises and promotions by being too discreet about my desire for them – or by taking the time for a trip to get a genuine turquoise necklace I know will make my mother in law happy even when I know it will also make me miss the deadline to put in my resume for a new job? And it’s plain stupid to go through as much stress as I do about what I perceive as insulting, degrading, arrogant or humiliating demands to which I have to somehow explain why I don’t deserve to be insulted, degraded, provoked or humiliated – leaving me feeling really defensive. Thankfully I’ve gotten over the major passive-aggressive relationship facet of this with decades of experience and my ever-so-American husband and I have a pretty good balance, but it took a really long time to find the most comfortable boundaries between my Japanese trained side and my American trained side in a variety of areas, and it’s still emotionally straining to have to set a line and hold it when someone pushes. I’ve felt for some time that people with multicultural upbringings are best for diplomatic and international negotiation positions because of their sensitivities to multiple cultural positions on this kind of question, as long as they’re able to find that balance effectively they become better cultural translators as much as monetary or political negotiators.

To the poster that said “if it feels funny don’t ask”, the thing is that askers & guessers have dramatically different points at which it “feels funny”.

Interesting post & discussion.

“act like a Guesser around people you’ll socially interact with over time…That way, you avoid destroying any social relationships just as they’re beginning to bloom” This implies that making requests could damage the relationship. If the request were in line with the depth of the friendship, it would not matter. If it’s not, a better friend might tolerate it or help, but not repeatedly. IMHO, it always rude to ask an unnecessary favor of someone you know will have a hard time saying no, even if they really want to.

#6 Rob. I agree about the “cash-back” seeded registry being a breach of trust. If you tell me you want something, but that’s not true, you are lying to me. It kind of made me wonder if that wish list of games Trent has for gifts is really a well for returns, and an indirect way to accept cash. I do not think so, but as he has no moral problem with such behavior, it makes all gift ideas suspect. As I imagine it would for anyone who was revealed to engage in this less-than-honest money-maker. People do not appreciate being unwitting participants in a scheme.

“As we rowed back across the harbour,[...]my meditations were disturbed by a vigorous attempt on the part of the two oarsmen to blackmail me into increasing the price we had already agreed upon for the journey. They stopped rowing and we drifted about in the dark, arguing. [...] In the end they started rowing again and, when we reached the shore, I gave them their original price. It was interesting to notice that they bore no malice about it, but sent me away with smiles and bows and the entreaty that I would use their boat again. This very sensible attitude seemed to show the advantages of not having an inherited Protestant conscience. When an Englishman attempts to be extortionate and fails, he keeps up his grumble until one is out of earshot, and, I believe, does bear a genuine personal grudge against one for the rest of that day. He does not admit, even to himself, that he was “trying it on” or accept defeat with good grace. Arabs and, I imagine, most Oriental races, have no conception of the “fair price” or of absolute values of exchange. The English boatman prefers to kick his heels day after day on the quay-side, rather than take less for his labour than he has convinced himself is right. He very rarely attempts to get more, even if his passengers look rich and their need for his service acute. When he does, it is only after convincing himself that the increased demand is actually the normal one. When he is caught out his conclusion is that his customer was no gentleman to make such a fuss about a shilling.”

Oh, wait, I forgot — we’re not supposed to think like that anymore. It’s all supposed to be about getting everything we can out of everyone else with the least effort. Right. I keep forgetting that.

Then I noticed someone who handled these kind of requests in a humorous, very informal way. She’d laugh and say, “Are you nuts?! I can’t do your mending; I have my own mending I’m not doing!” Or she’d do a childish kind of whine, “I don’t wanna!” or say “No way, man! I’ve got plans for …” The situation was handled more the way you did things when you were kids, resulting in no tension. Everyone would laugh and move on to the next subject.

I now use this method and it works great. If Askers are going outside the “rules” (actually, Guessers’ rules), then you are allowed to do the same when you respond to them.

As an Asker who didn’t even realize there were such creatures as Guessers until my 20s, learning how to deal with such people was a challenge. What Trent and other Guessers see as subtlety, courtesy, etc., Askers are likely to see as murky, deceptive, manipulative, passive-aggressive or entitled. Entitled because, as Trent said, when Guessers DO ask for something, they believe they have correctly gauged the reasonableness of the request, therefore expect to get it and resent not getting it. In other words, they’re not really asking, they’re demanding. An Asker accepts that the reasonableness of the request may be viewed differently by the other person and does not resent that reality.

Over the years I’ve learned that in some situations, particularly with employees, I have to be overemphatic about what is an expectation and what is a request that may be turned down without consequences. If it would help me for the employee to stay late, but I haven’t made advance arrangements for that, I can’t just say, “Can you stay late to help me with this?” I have to say, “It would help me out if you could stay late, but if you’re too tired or have other plans or just don’t feel like it, don’t feel bad about saying no. I’ll survive.”

To me, all that extra verbiage is already a given in the very fact that I’m asking a question, and not giving an order. I feel kind of silly stating what, to me, is the obvious — that a direct “No” is a perfectly acceptable answer to a direct question. But such is the variety of human nature.