-Scott

My experiences in preparing to teach have taught me that it would be irresponsible for ME to bring a child into this world or adopt one without a plan to be able to handle that child’s education on my own until college. While I, like many other teachers I know, enjoy teaching and am willing to take on the challenge to do the best I can within the constraints of our educational system and lobby for change whenever possible, I won’t put my own child into that system.

On a related note, I witnessed a miracle the other day. Stopping for some takeout, there was a family with a few kids having dinner at the restaurant. The kid in the high chair decides to start screaming at the top of her lungs, and her mom told her to stop. And amazingly enough, she stopped! I shared this with my friends on facebook, and one of my friends (who is a parent, so since I’m not a parent and can’t comment, I’ll quote her instead) said, “What you witnessed is called ‘parenting’. Document it! You may never see this again!”

I honestly LOVE kids, and always have. I love playing with them, I love it when they grab my hand to pull me over to their newest toy, I even like figuring out why they’re crying and helping to calm them (within limits of course). But I have never had an overwhelming urge to procreate. I’ve always been ambivalent about it.

When I was pregnant with my son, I wanted THAT child. When he died, I thought about having more, and thought, and thought, and thought – and five years later, I still don’t have an urge to have another kid.

I’m a great auntie. I’m a great babysitter. I love kids’ parties – I’m more likely to be with the kids than the adults. Kids’ screeches and high-pitched laughs don’t phase me a bit.

But I also like going home to my quiet apartment, having a glass of wine, working on my crafts, traveling without worrying about a little tyke, and thinking about whether my next career move will be to start a not-for-profit organization, or teaching English abroad, and not having to worry about how to keep a roof over my kids’ heads and food in their mouths.

I love kids. But I also like being able to leave them with their parents after we’ve had a great time together.

I am really worried that my friends will start to have kids and they won’t want to come and visit anymore if we don’t have much in common, and I won’t have the chance to really get to know any more children on a daily basis, other than casually, since we aren’t likely to have any more in either family. That saddens me.

I prefer that to those who don’t really like/want kids but have them because “it’s expected of them.” Talk about selfish and stupid. @@

Hardly anyone has kids to be “intimately involved with crafting the future people of the world” – in fact, I’ve never met ANYONE who’s said that. You might see it as a benefit, but I seriously doubt that’s the reason you had them in the first place. Hell, there are enough bad reasons to become parents (and enough bad parents) to counter the idea that having kids is for the sake of humanity.

People have kids because they want them. People don’t have kids because they don’t want them. They are equally selfish strategies.

What kind of preferential treatment are you talking about?

To be honest, when I didn’t have kids, then I made a huge effort to take on extra responsibilities for the people close to me who did have kids. For a whole summer, I picked up my niece from daycare almost every day while my sister was on bedrest (for another pregnancy). I took buses 2 hours out of my way to pick up another kid for a friend who was stuck one day. Call it karma – someone took care of you once, and more than likely someone will take care of you again… have a little consideration in the meantime.

Nor can they afford to pay tens of thousands of dollars for either fertility treatments or adoption.

Why compound their pain?

Not having kids right now is fine with me, but what I’m afraid of is that at age 45 (or whatever) I’ll regret it. I believe that raising kids is extremely difficult and also extremely rewarding. I also believe it changes you as a person — life stops being all about you, as you now have someone helpless depending on you — you’re now living for something more than yourself. Do I want my life to change? I don’t feel I’m emotionally mature enough to have kids just yet. I don’t especially like kids (though I’m sure if I had one I would love it). I’m also worried about guilt — I’ll feel guilty if I don’t give motherhood 100% of my time and effort, and I’ll feel guilty if I’m not out building a career — but extra hours at the office will mean I won’t see my kids as much. I’m so on the fence here.

Really? Have you looked at the requirements to adopt a child? If you have a private domestic adoption you are looking at @25.000. International, from $25-50,000. And yes, you can get healthy, young infants from fostercare but the wait is long. And if you are single or older it is expected that you will take the older child who has more issues.
Yes, if you can save that amount of money you can probably raise a child comfortably. But I think a child can also be raised happily and healthfully in a familiy who is not able to throw tens of thousands of dollars into an adoption and THEN start the usual parenting expenses.

I enjoyed your post, and have recently became a follower. I enjoy reading topics that are not discussed on a day to day basis. It is good to hear others input. I actually talk about more of my response to this blog in an entry I made “As My World Turns”. Feel free to check it out. :) Happy Friday, and enjoy your weekend.

Amen. Everybody loses when parents have kids they don’t want — the kid, the parents, society, etc.

I’m a parent, but I’m careful to not give couples a weird attitude when they tell me they don’t have kids. It’s a personal decision, and more power to them if they choose not to have any. (My (and my wife’s) decision: we want a family.)

MJ

At the time I should have started a family I was in no mental shape to take on that responsibility. Today, I regret not having a family to enjoy but know for sure I made the right decision for me at the time.

Over the years my brother-in-law has announced more than once that I was selfish for not having children while he had three. two of which are very successful and one, his daughter, is struggling.

Beyond all the personal reasons, the world’s population density is a strong argument not to have children or to have just one, something below replacement level.

RCharles

To all those who don’t like it when people say, “Just wait till you have kids.” I have only said that to people who have commented on how handled a situation with my kids. I have one friend who would always give parents discipline advice. I would just shake my head and say, “Wait till you have kids”. He now has a daughter and understands. He’s a good friend, and his daughter is lovely as are mine:)