Comments on: Reader Mailbag: Lemon Sour

By: annie

annie — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 22:43:18 +0000

Stephen follow your dream!In my twenties I was widowed,my husband had such dreams and never got to live them out. I am in my forties now and his death thought me to live each day to it’s fullest and never put off tomarrow. And I love my motorcycle and would take off for a yr in a heart beat ,if my husband now would follow my gypsie heart!!!

By: Georgia

Georgia — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 23:01:56 +0000

I am in a position to never have to take in parents. I am 73 years old and live in a 44 y/o double wide trailer which we kept up well until my husband died. I have done much work to it since then. I have no debts and what little I saved in my 503b goes to house upkeep. I am planning now to redo one bathroom and my bedroom this winter.

At 58, your mother may have many good years yet. I retired at 69, but was still capable of working for several more years. I only retired because my husband had cancer and was beginning to fail. I had another 21 months left with him and I’m glad I did. I then worked at my former employer for 6 months, all I could without stopping my pension.

But I do dislike retirement. I’m not certain I could get a good job now. My kids would be pleased to have me live with them. But I don’t want to. I am independent and want to stay that way. They live 550 miles away and I do appreciate that. Now they can’t boss me too much or if they do, I can ignore them.

I agree with Foo. Stephen should take the trip. Life matters too much to lose out on good memories along the way. Even if he had to take a job he doesn’t like much in order to survive in the future, he would still have great memories to sustain him. And, even if the trip isn’t as great as he expects, all things look better in hindsight and give you lots to talk about.

By: Luke

Luke — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 18:26:40 +0000

I’m a bit late to this party, but just wanted to agree with other posters who suggest that Susan is jumping the gun a bit with her worries about her mother. I am fifty-five, and honestly if one of my children was worrying that much about my future at this point, I’d direct them to a therapist. Also, people, just because someone gets to this age without being in fabulous financial shape doesn’t allow you to assume poor planning, selfishness, or other avoidable things were necessarily the cause. In my own case, I was ill and on disability for several years which wiped me out financially. The plus side was that I learned of necessity how to live with, and on, little. Now, I’m in excellent health and working hard to catch up, and I hope I’ve nurtured good healthy relationships with my children so that when I need their help–of whatever kind–eventually, they won’t be writing an advice column asking how to avoid being stuck with me.

By: Kate

Kate — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 11:35:33 +0000

As a woman in her 50′s I say bravo to the mother who thought ahead and set up an executor and health proxy. Not so sure about a bravo to a daughter who feels that gives her the right to “nail her feet to the ground and talk about what her wishes were, but also what her estate entails.” Maybe the daughter should expend her energy living her own life and less energy living her mother’s life.

By: lynne

lynne — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 00:44:03 +0000

My thoughts on Susan and her mother: I raised my kids & both have moved back home several times (son with spouse DIL, & daughter with child. ) My son & my granddaughter are in the process of moving out right now. So hopefully my children would be happy to have me with them, I truly don’t know. I am nearing 60, widowed. My home is paid for and I owe no money. I will have a small pension as well as my social security (more than I make right now altogther). My home does need a lot of work, but I have been trying. No I didn’t spend all my money frivolously or selfishly. My husband was not good at maintenance but did not want me to pay for someone to do it for him. I think that if they can get her mother to work as long as possible past 62 (where she’ll get a pittance from social security) it will be best. If she can’t work she would be able to get ss disability. It would go up when she reaches her full retirement age. Right now they should concentrate on paying off her debt & adding to her savings. If there are any family members who have skills perhaps they could get together & do some work to get the house in better condition. Please don’t condemn the mother or the daughter for the situation. You don’t all have the full story.

By: Kiara

Kiara — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 23:30:56 +0000

I see there have been many comments about public versus private school. My sister paid a fortune for her children to attend a private school. After four years, she pulled them out and put them in public school to discover that they were VERY far behind academically (while they had been getting straight A’s at the private school.) She has been spending what she is saving in private school tuition on tutors to help them catch up and supplementary programs to round out what she finds the public school to be lacking and is still coming out ahead monetarily.

Research the schools very carefully and be fully aware that a teacher or a principal can make or break the educational environment.

By: SLCCOM

SLCCOM — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 21:46:09 +0000

Stephen, the only way you should take that trip is if you have BOTH private health and disability insurance policies in place. If you both, go and enjoy. You’ll probably never get this chance again. If you don’t, stay home. There is a reason the emergency room people call them “Donorcycles.”

Susan, there are other options. There are fraternal groups that you husband could join that include as a benefit retirement housing for parents and spouses. Your mother could rent out her home, and move in with a senior citizen that needs just a little cleaning and cooking to stay in her own home. That would let her save all her housing money for her own future. And getting a long term care policy is probably pointless. The purpose of it is to protect her savings. You might want to get it for her to protect your savings, though, as the government will come after you to pay her expenses.

By: Foo Finance

Foo Finance — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 19:59:54 +0000

@ Stephen: GO ON THE TRIP!

I did something similar when I was 23-24. I am now 27. I got laid off from a fairly well paying job here in Atlanta. I was saving $500/month in my travel fund. I took the money I had and hit the road. I decided to go for 2 months so see how it went. I did 3 weeks in Europe and the rest in Brazil. I kept going. I ended up 18 months traveling the world, covering 35 countries, and learning more than I ever imagined. I also have 8000+ pictures that I still love to look at.

The point is that you have the opportunity. My family and friends thought (and probably still do think) I am crazy. I never regret 1 second or 1 dollar I spent. I still tell stories from the road to this day and watch people’s mouths drop.

As for affecting my career it helped! You can spin it on your resume a little. For example I taught English for a little while on the road. I put the travel time as “Freelance English Teacher” and that is the truth. People looking at 100 resumes a day like to see something different!

No matter the outcome in your career I can say with great certainty that you won’t regret taking the trip. Chances are you will see and do things that will help you to realize what it is you really want to do. It may not be the IT field at all!

Other tips:
- Take lots of pictures
- Keep a journal and/or blog
- pack half as much stuff and twice as much money as you think you need
- Get guidebooks (I like Lonely Planet) for places you will visit and study them
- Take an iPod or other media device with you

Feel free to contact me thru my blog (linked by my name above) if you like. I can help answer questions on traveling. I still travel overseas every year as much as I can. I am hooked!

- Foo

By: katek

katek — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 19:08:37 +0000

Meant to add that those opportunities were given to me through my private schooling, but I lagged behind several of my peers who had attended public schools.

By: katek

katek — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 19:07:01 +0000

8sml it sounds like you were at a poorly run public school, which may very well be the case where Kris lives, which is why she sees public schools as unacceptable. I know for a fact, however, that the students with whom I participated in an honors university program attended almost exclusively public schools and never had any trouble finding scores of academic opportunities. I went into college with with 12 credits hours, both through an program I participated in during high school and the credit awarded through AP classes and testing, so it goes both ways.

By: 8sml

8sml — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 16:46:21 +0000

I can comment on the value of private school, with the caveat that this represents only my personal experience.

I attended private school until I was 14, then public schools thereafter. In comparing my private elementary school experience to my public high school experience: I had far more opportunity in private school to receive individual attention from teachers, who in turn had far more flexibility when it came to teaching me. I was given instruction far ahead of my grade in the subjects in which I excelled, and extra help in the subjects I struggled with. In addition, concepts were taught using methods that could reach kids with different learning styles–auditory, written, tactile, etc. When I got to high school, I found that most teachers couldn’t give me the academic challenges I craved and I was bored out of my skull most of the time (“Oh, you’re finished the work I gave you? No, you can’t work ahead or read a different textbook–just sit there and look at the wall.”). Private school gave me 12 years to realize that I loved school, before I hit high school and felt like I hated it (thank goodness for extra-curriculars and a couple good teachers or it would have been a complete wash). This flexibility is the primary reason I would send my kids to a (carefully selected) private school, though I would want a school where children came from diverse situations; however, as it turns out they’ll go to public school due to our financial situation, and I’m sure they will have some great experiences there too.

By: Ellyn

Ellyn — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 15:41:06 +0000

Regarding the mom with no retirement resources: Under Social Security a retiree may collect benefits for the higher earning spouse. If her benefits are low because her average income was low and her deceased husband made more money, then she should file to receive his benefits.

Also, I believe that starting at 62 she could collect reduced benefits under her own plan – SAVE THEM – and then collect unreduced benefits from her husband’s account at retirement age.

It would pay to read up on Social Security. If her deceased husband would be of retirement age now then I think she is also eligible to collect survivor’s benefits now that could also be SAVED.

I did some reading about Social Security at the library this week – please feel free to correct me if any of this is wrong.

By: Courtney

Courtney — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:12:57 +0000

Ryan and Michelle, Kris’s question said she estimated $20K PER YEAR, PER CHILD. If she is talking about K-12 that is a total outlay of over half a million dollars for two children before they even reach college. That, to me, is ridiculous – there is no primary education so fantastic that it warrants that expense. If there are no other options, I’d second the recommendation from others that Kris homeschool her children.

By: littlepitcher

littlepitcher — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:00:46 +0000

Where public schools are excellent, use public. One caveat–my county has the best public schools in the area, but they are riddled with bully gangs, to the point that one student was bullied into suicide. Finding out about such problems is difficult, unless a situation of this sort ends up on the front page.
I had a parent living with me for several years. Do negotiate medical care and diet in advance. I found out, too late, that my mother’s advanced years and declining mental state caused her to become violent when she cheated on her diabetic diet, or when she was challenged on that cheating. Establish protocols and discipline in advance and have safety backups in case of unusual changes in behavior-check websites.

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 13:57:01 +0000

I’m not sure why my comment sat awaiting moderation for over a day and was then not posted, but I am commenting again on the public/private school issue….

I went to public schools my whole life, including state colleges. However, school is not the same today like when we were children. Teachers are forced to teach to whatever test their state administers because everything is determined by test scores…from teacher pay, school budgets…everything. There is no flexibility in what teachers can teach…very often lessons are scripted out and teachers just read from the book. I am a teacher. I know this all for a fact because I live everyday. I don’t know any teachers that send their own children to public schools. It’s a shame.

By: MichelleO

MichelleO — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 13:54:38 +0000

My husband and I have a SodaStream machine and I love it. We use it mostly for making sparkling water and seldom for soda. I like to drink the sparkling water at dinner to the meal seem a little fancier and I avoid all the calories and ingredients I can’t pronounce that are in soda.

By: DiscoApu

DiscoApu — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 12:48:25 +0000

It only takes one of those people behind the creepy email to follow up. Get a gun and learn how to properly use and store it. Words wont defend your family.

By: Cindy

Cindy — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 12:32:59 +0000

Susan, My mother was widowed at 55 when my father died at the age of 56. I think you are worrying too much, she still has a lot of life ahead of her! My mom eventually remarried a wonderful man and had a second life with him. Your mother may also be able to collect a larger amount from your father’s pay on SS when she does retire. I am not saying don’t do any planning, she should save as much as she can now. As others have said she does have some options other than moving in with you. You should also sit down and talk with her, because it sounds like you may not have all the details of her finances.
Kris, Good for you to be able to save that much of your money, but is that really how you want to spend it? I would give the public schools a chance first. Since you have time before kids will be school aged do your research and make sure you get into a good school system. At 20k a year for each kid for 12 years it will save you 480k! I have my kids in public school and never thought that they are receiving an inferior education. My daughter is starting college in the fall and I am wishing I had saved more to help cover her costs, not spent more on her k-12 education. Each of my children had different needs that were 100% addressed by our public school. My daughter had a learning disabilty and with alot of extra help early on, went on to graduate in the top 15% of her class of 500. My son has been in the gifted/ talented program since 3rd grade. I have friends that pay to send their kids to cathlic school that do not have that program. If it is for religious reasons, I think that can be taught in the home and with extra religious classes outside of school. You are the most important teacher in your child’s life and the most important thing is to be involved in it, public or private.

By: Michele

Michele — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 03:16:54 +0000

Ryan- it’s not unrealistic for those who desire a religious private education for their children- I paid $900 a month for 8 years for my two sons to attend a private Catholic High School. (Elementary school was a little cheaper- $300 a month for two kids) It was worth it for me and my husband because it reinforced our religious beliefs, in addition to what we taught and practiced at home. Both of my sons have told me over and over how much they valued the Catholic education they received.
I agree, it’s the family priority to spend money on private religious education. Public education can be excellent- but I do have to say, in the community I live in now, our kids in the public schools are getting shortchanged with 4 day a week school for 3 out of 4 weeks from Sept-7 through June 6 due to ‘teacher furloughs’ that were negotiated due to the huge deficit in the state spending because of 12-15% unemployment and so many foreclosures. the state of Oregon apparently didn’t think the bad economy would last this long and just decided to cut spending- on schools, to seniors who need state assistance to stay in their own home/apartment and the disabled. It’s shameful.

By: Ryan

Ryan — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 01:44:40 +0000

$20,000 for K-12? Ouch!

I just graduated from a public high school out in the country (corn fields) and while I’m sure it wasn’t not as great as some private schools, I think it has prepared me pretty well for college and my life. The friends I made and the teachers I learned from really have shaped my life in a positive way.

Of course, the public schools in your area could be horrible. I don’t know. But that’s a lot of money!

If I was your child, I’d rather have you save your money for my college than worry about tuition for high school.

Just my 2 cents.