To Callie– I know some states (the one I was in, in particular) will pursue child support on your behalf if you apply for any type of public assistance. They will do everything from schedule and appear at the court hearings to manage the wage garnishments to issue arrest warrants for back support due. Heck, my old state even extradicted from other states if the amount owed was high enough. I would suggest talking to your case worker next time you need to refresh food stamp/WIC/SSI paperwork and ask if they do that. In my experience, the county deducted 1-3% of the amount collected as admin fees, but it was so worth it to not have to manage the case myself (I didn’t even have to appear in court, although I did go to a couple of the hearings to stay on top of the case.)

Also look in to subsidized child care! Your social services case worker ought to be able to tell you if you qualify for some portion of subsidy there, which can be excellent to help get back on your feet.

Assume effective tax rate of 20% (which would be high for most people):
Student loan: 5.5% x .8 = 4.4% interest.
You can get a base mortgage rate of 4.375% easily right now, so that’s slightly lower than the student loan, or at least basically a wash.

Now add to that the liquidity issue Trent touched on (lower monthly obligation with the mortgage than with the student loans, especially if it’s refinanced), and I think paying off the student loans still ends up with the clear edge.

I would start out by politely but firmly telling all the relatives that you’re not the Free TV Fairy, and that paying for their receiver box rental only covers part of the charges needed to deliver them TV signal. Paying for the content is required too.

Tell them that going forward, the total cost for programming is $X, and that with Y households involved, the share per family is X/Y dollars. Tell them you’re sure that, being reasonable people, they can understand that, and if they have any questions, they can talk to you about it.

Ultimately, the account is in *your* name, so you do have final say; they are not your “equals” on the account. But that doesn’t mean you should be bearing all the burden of programming costs. You are doing them a *favor*, you’re not a TV provider. You don’t owe them any special favors for this; quite the opposite.

If they just won’t see it the right way, and it comes down to it, you are now going to have to be firm and possibly nasty in order to get your mooching relatives to either pay their share, or give back the TV box. That’s your call. The way I see it, if you can’t trust your relatives to deal with you squarely, don’t deal with them at all. But you’ll have to make the decision for yourself whether them stiffing you is worth a rupture in the relationship.

Like you said, it isn’t about the money, it’s about the principle. People who love and respect each other don’t treat each other like they’re treating you over this TV issue.

But cynicism aside, let’s assume they grow up to be model financial citizens. If you open a 529 in their names, you are negatively impacting their ability to qualify for financial aid.

If I were you, I would keep your money to yourself until AFTER they graduate from college. Or better yet, after they’ve landed their first career-oriented job. Keep them “hungry” and free of expectation of a handout, until then.

Then if you still feel inclined to help, give the nephew and niece some money to get them started in life and offset the student loans that they will no doubt have been forced to take out.

Plus, student loan interest is only tax deductible for the first 5 or 6 years, unless they’ve changed the law since I paid mine off. Mortgage interest is deductible for the life of the loan as long as it’s your primary residence. So the effective interest rate on a mortgage ends up being N% lower than the sticker rate, where N is your actual effective income tax rate for the year. (Assuming you itemize, of course.)

#35 Kevin – If Hubby dies, is wife going to stay home with the kids or return to work? IF so, how much is full time child care? and really, if Dad just died, do you REALLY want your kids in child car a couple months later? Being productive is hardly the issue.

Callie… hug your children. They need lots of those even though they have a wonderful Mom. You are a good person who doesn’t want to take what you don’t deserve or need. Well – stop pushing yourself so hard – you do deserve, and need the help. Daddy needs a good kick in the pants and there are PLENTY of programs out there for help. I’m pleased when they help someone like you who’s really trying. Please take the help – and please pursue Dad – it isn’t fair for him to get away without supporting his children.

“Make sure you have enough life insurance to pay off all debt (mortgage,cc,car) and several yrs worth of living expenses.”

That seems a little excessive. I agree that the policy should be enough to pay off all debt, and cover all living expenses for a couple of months while the surviving spouse goes through the grieving process and gets their life back together, but several *years*? That seems unnecessary. With all the debt paid off, the surviving spouses income should be sufficient to keep the household budget in the black, and it shouldn’t take them YEARS to be productive again.

When I went through a very difficult and challenging child custody agreement with my ex, I relied HEAVILY on the free website http://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/ I made over two thousand posts, saving myself a ton of money and heartache. Its completely free, and you get the advice of lawyers and people who have had similar experiences in court and with their exes. Even if you don’t post, go read some of the child support issues, to learn more about what your options are! Best of luck to you!

I wanted to add a bit to the BF discussion. First – it’s difficult to day beforehand whether a manual pump or an electric is the right choice. My wife has had three children and used three different pumps. Breasts work differently from child to child (and even day to day), so having a good electric with a manual back up is never a bad idea.

Medela make very high quality pumps (in our experience). A Swing or a Pump-in-Style is a good choice, mainly because of the dual phase pump. My wife used a manual Avent with our first child and kept it as a backup with the other two kids.

A thought about having a manual backup – sometimes you forget the cord to the electric, or the batteries are dead, or the gasket tears, or whatever. Having something around to express you milk to (at the very least) prevent mastitis is worth every bit of hassle.

My wife often pumped in the car while I drove. Her “double barrel” Ameda and a pump holder allowed her to pump in the car on the way to work.

My advice is to see if the hospital will give you a pump (sometime it happens) and ask for a different pump for a baby shower gift. At the end of the day, they’re worth their weight in gold.

HTH,

– Zach