Perfectly stated.

This woman is in a terrible situation and Trent didn’t even bother to address her query about going after her husband for unpaid child support.

This blog is permeated with the attitude that couples, marriage and families are always wonderful and warm. Often they are not, and women get stuck holding the bag for the rest of their lives.

My kid’s Dad has never felt any shame for spending thousands on his electronic toys while we barely get by… as his balance owed in child support & daycare climbs.

What? KILL the landline, keep the cell phone (which you can use outside of your house and likely comes with free long distance.)

I need to question the intelligence of anyone suggesting you drop Internet and keep a land line phone in 2010 in order to save money.

Marta, your complaint about “people making others feel worse about themselves” makes no real sense. My posts about Callie, if she’s reading them, should make her feel BETTER about herself. They recognize her as a full self-actualizing human being, and not a helpless, other-directed victim. The only person who ought to feel bad from what I’ve written is Callie’s ex-husband for whom, I admit, I have nothing but contempt. And you know what? If he feels worse about himself from something I’ve written – I’m glad. He should man up and start taking care of his responsibilities.

Don’t you realize that your philosophy requires us to see no moral difference between Callie and her ex-husband? As far as I can tell, you would give him a free “self-esteem” pass, because if there’s nothing wrong with turning responsibility for your dependents over to the government, why should he feel any shame?

In any case, most of what I was describing was my OWN sense of responsibility and how I judge myself, which helped me understand what Callie was saying about how she felt. Your and Trent’s recommendations to her belittled her beliefs as foolish. I was acknowledging them as valid and shared by others, who respect her.

It seems strange, but what you both seem to be objecting to is the idea that Callie and I might feel badly about ourselves when we fail to meet our responsibilities. So you propose to make us feel better about that by making us feel stupid for feeling that way in the first place.

There are millions of people in this country doing what I and Callie do – taking care of needy people in our families, churches and neighborhoods, and trying hard to do it without immposing burdens on others. Some of us will fail, but as long as we want to keep our self-respect, we’ll get back on our feet as fast as possible. Be glad, instead of resentful, because if we all decided to do it your way and turn to the government for help, I doubt the system could survive.

I don’t even know where to begin.

Callie’s ex is a jerk, no one is disputing that. But he is not here and, as I said, telling Callie and other people in her situation that they SHOULD be ashamed of resorting to social programs is NOT helpful at all. Can’t you even comprehend that?

So you provide for your family. That’s great. Do you tell them to be ashamed of it?

Do you realise that not everyone has got friends or family to resort to when things get dire?

I am not American, so you are not saving *me* any money. Even if I were, honestly, there are a zillion things I would complain about before I said anything against my tax money going to social programs. I live in a socialist (oh, the horrors!) country, so yes, I pay quite a bit in taxes!

It’s true that our philosophies are nothing alike. As for tolerance, you are right in that I can’t tolerate or respect people making others feel worse about themselves when they are already in an awful situation. Sure, you have the right to say whatever you think, but I also have the right to tell you if I think it’s BS.

My comment above acknowledges how dire this woman’s situation is.

Trent fails to do so and yours doesn’t even attempt to.

First, it is possible to have contempt for more than one person at a time. So the comparison between yourself and Callie’s husband is irrelevant.

Second, do you suppose it’s possible that people like Callie see accepting help as something shameful because people like you (not any one particular person, but many people in aggregate) are telling them that it is? (You know, this sort of reminds me of the homophobes who harass gay people, then turn around and say, “See – homosexuality is linked with low self-esteem and depression” as “proof” that gay people need to be “cured.”)

Third, do your sister and your nephew associate accepting help from *you* with a loss of pride and self-respect?? Do you think they should?

You may believe we are wrong in our views, but on what basis do you conclude they are not worthy of your respect or tolerance? After all, the worst that can happen is we will strive harder to keep ourselves and our families off the public dole, and thereby save you some money.

For instance, I provide 90% of the support for two family members (a mentally ill sister and a minor nephew) including housing in my own home, food, utilities, private school and other expenses. These are people who would otherwise be on social programs costing you money.

You could say I do this because my self-respect would be damaged if I could afford to provide for my family members and did not. Snicker if you wish, call me a sucker, but how exactly does my doing this harm you that it should make you so resentful of my philosophy? Shouldn’t your resentment be better directed at Callie’s ex-husband and people like him, who have the opposite philosophy to mine?

Another interesting money fact in NY- if you are married, you are NOT obligated to send your children to college. But if you are divorced, child support policies REQUIRE that you come up with 25% of your child’s college expenses, based on State school tuition. Go figure, as most people have less money after divorce.

I just can’t believe anyone would actually do that. People living that close to the bone need to cut every expense that doesn’t endanger the safety of their kids.

I know plenty of families who have temporarily lived like that. I have a garage apartment that I had SEVERAL families asking to live in (one room). But I’m in So Cal where we’re used to living on top of each other. Maybe we’re zoned differently.

I’m sorry to hear about such a bad time you’ve had at churches. It always hurts me to hear about others getting hurt in a place that’s supposed to bring peace and love. If you live near a larger metro area, maybe you can search for a church with events for your age group. One big issue churches have is how to retain people in your age group I’ve known many who are starting programs geared for your issues.

I understand why you’ve walked away, but I hope you can give a new church a chance soon.

The staff randomly cancelled evening services several times throughout my attendance. Church employees vandalized church property – with no consequences. The expense to members was $10K+.

I am a Christian, but I honestly don’t think I could step inside another church ever again. The hypocrisy, laziness, and outright greed astounds me. I tried visiting other churches for a bit and got the same slimy vibe. Kinda sad. :(

I now choose to donate my time and $$ in other ways, which I hope have an even greater impact (wouldn’t take much really).

There’s three autistic kids in our Scout Troop and we all help out as much as we can – like giving the parents a break by watching the kids for an afternoon, keeping an eye out for garage sale items we know those families need(since they usually can’t go because of the kids – we don’t do it to be rude) & other things.
So there are random bits of help out there – it’s just uncovering it while still working full time & running the household.

My son’s Dad tried that angle & the judge pointed out that if he had been a “Man” and helped with the baby when born instead of dragging it in court for 3 -4 yrs we wouldn’t have ever needed state aide.
However, in the state I’m in the Mother gets sole legal custody automatically & she has to be proven unfit via endangerment to change it. I don’t know how many other states still run that way but it’s estimated it saves our court systems at least a million since custody can’t really be drawn out & bickered over much.
That said, it’s really sad to see kids with a Mom who doesn’t take good care of them.

Her letter sounds like she was already on food stamps so it’s probably a moot point.

For those to think this is like a Dear Abby thing – maybe Trent should start a “help letters” section for people to try to help/advise those who write in with unique circumstances.

Rather than seeing it as “fodder”, look a little deeper at the Trent’s words:
- it reminds us to have perspective with our own problems
- it reminds us to have empathy for those doing it tough, rather than disdain