Comments on: Reader Mailbag: Birthday

By: MARY

MARY — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 21:51:49 +0000

Re:parenting
#62Amanda-I couldn’t have said it any better!
and it is alright to change your mind about parenting as you get older. When I was in my teens there was no way I wanted to have kids. It took until my early thirties (and a different husband!) for me to change my mind.

By: Amanda B.

Amanda B. — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 16:24:27 +0000

IR,

I understand and was not mad a bit. Have you heard about the GINK movement? They talk about it on Grist dot org. You may find some ideas about how to handle that situation (not that you did it poorly) or at least some solidarity. Like I said, I appreciate my childless friends and respect your decision ;)

By: Interested Reader

Interested Reader — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 13:47:51 +0000

Amanda, I didn’t mean to direct all of that to you -just the part about David saying he didn’t want to have kids.

I guess I get a little defensive from my perspective because normally someone says they want kids (or are trying to get pregnant or adopt) there’s never any need to justify that.

However quite often if someone says “do you have kids” or “when are you planning on having kids” and the answer is “I’m don’t/I’m not” then the questioner wants to know why. So you have justify your decision and “because I don’t ” is becoming more and more an acceptable answer, but usually there’s more questions. and if you are young and a woman lots of “oh, you’ll change your mind”.

By: Kai

Kai — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 06:38:37 +0000

The ONLY reason to have children is because you can’t possibly imagine your life without having children. If it is a deep pull for you, then you should go for it.
If you have to think about it, you don’t really want them, and you shouldn’t have them. There are more than enough people in the world – more are not needed. There are all kinds of other ways to make a difference in the world – and even other ways to make a difference for the world’s children. I have worked with children for enough years to see dozens of people who should never have become parents, but did because well, that’s what you do. The norm does not help anyone, and neither does parent-shaming with BS about how there is no meaning in life without parenthood.
I fully believe that for some people, their lives could never be fulfilled without being a parent. What I don’t understand is why those people are so incapable of understanding that others may be fulfilled by different things.

By: Kai

Kai — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 06:33:56 +0000

#23 Tristan said
“There is a huge amount of irony in your statement about kids, when you use the word self-centered to describe children.Did you ever stop to think about how self-centered you are that you cannot change your life for the most emotionally rewarding experience there is… all because you don’t want to have more responsibility? Or have a little less cash.”

Give me ONE non-selfish reason TO have kids, and then we can talk. To raise kids, sure. Adoption is a great thing for a child in need. But I have yet to hear a SINGLE reason in favour of procreation that is not selfish. It’s ridiculous how the parents are so unable to believe that others might have a different and reasonable viewpoint.

By: AniVee

AniVee — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 03:03:30 +0000

Q5 – the military is a great idea, if he’s willing to defend his country, which he may or may not be actively asked to do.

I just retired from being a civilian with the Dept. of Defense and have seen hundreds of young people for whom joining the volunteer services meant a great career, a great education and training, travel, benefits, and opened their eyes to the rest of the world and what’s out there. How much could this fellow have seen still home with Mom and Dad?

If he has mental or emotional problems the military will find that out in short order. They can open the doors to another world for him, but he has to get off his duff and walk through them. There will be testing to find out what he is good at and what he likes and has aptitude for.

I’ve met so many people for whom this was a wonderful exit from rural or urban poverty, a dead-end life, family problems or a speckled past, and they made the step up to the middle class and beyond. The post-military benefits are not as good, unfortunately, as they used to be with the Old GI Bill, but they are still quite good – and where else can you retire after 20 years at age 40 or so?

His aunt may well be more interested in his improving himself than he is, in which case there isn’t much anybody can do for him, unless or until a true crisis comes along and forces him to see what he is made of.

By: Amanda B.

Amanda B. — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 18:02:05 +0000

Sorry, I didn’t mean to miscommunicate. I could not possible care less if David has children. I have no dog in that fight, so to speak. I think it is just as wrong to harass a man (or woman) for their decision not to have children and it would be to ask someone “why on earth did you become a parent, you’re awful at it?” I am not trying to convince him to have kids and if I came across that way, I made a mistake.
I was simply trying to express why I think kids are great (what he asked for, more or less) and that the concept of what makes a good and capable parent has been hijacked by helicopter parents. I don’t think you should dedicate every waking breath to your children. I think showing then that there are other things in the world that require your attention is important, as is forcing them to do stuff for themselves. The idea that you have to sacrifice every thing you have ever loved doing to constantly tend to your kids, in my opinion, is what causes kids to be entitled and self centered. I am eternally grateful to my friends who love kids but have mad the, perfectly reasonable, choice to have none of their own, because these are the people who gladly take my kids to do fun stuff so that I can spend time by myself (or with my husband). I am sure your brother feels the same way about you (loving and grateful). If David doesn’t want kids, don’t have any. There are women out there who are in line with that (or have already had them and don’t want more, if you were interested). I think that point has been made above. But, if your reason for not wanting kids is because you can’t be the type of parent that eat, breathes and sleeps what you child drew today, you should consider that it doesn’t have to be that way. You get to decide what constitutes good parenting and I don’t think that constant input and self sacrifice are required (or even beneficial).
As for if it is better to regret having children or regret not having children, I have no idea. I, personally, will never do either. I’m sorry that your friend found it so difficult. I can’t help but wonder if she was burdened with living up to the perceptions of what society conceders a “good mom”. For me, having children is like falling in love, it isn’t always perfect (it doesn’t even always work out to a life long relationship), but I hear it is better to have loved and lost…
but that is just my opinion, once again, worth what you paid for it.

By: Nathan

Nathan — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 17:43:31 +0000

Q5: Motivating a twentysomething
I was in a similar situation as the unmotivated twentysomething, except that I got booted when I was 20. I am now 31, and I still am unmotivated. Turns out I suffer from depression, and I am just now getting treatment due to unhelpful advice I got from people who thought I just needed to “get tough and get another job.” Educate yourself on depression, and if it seems likely he is depressed, encourage him to get help. Depression can’t be cured by sheer guts or even the need to eat.

By: Interested Reader

Interested Reader — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 16:06:44 +0000

@ Amanda – David did say he doesn’t want kids. Not just that he doesn’t want to have kids, but that he doesn’t think he has the paternal instinct.

He does want to know the good side of having kids and everyone has pointed out good things. But if someone truly doesn’t want to have kids hearing about the good things and even seeing the good things isn’t going to change that.

I have a nephew who is awesome, I love spending time with him and my brother is a fantstic father. Even with all of that -seeing what a wonderful time my brother is having, watching my nephew grow and learn, doesn’t change the fact that I have no desire to do all of that myself.

Here’s the other thing to think about – which would you rather live with the regret of not having kids or regretting having children?

I’d rather live with the small chance I might regret having children, than to have a child and regret that decision.

I’ve talked to one person who admitted she loves her kids, but motherhood was always a struggle for her and none of it came easy and if she had it to do over she wouldn’t have had children.

By: Amanda B.

Amanda B. — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 15:22:27 +0000

David did say he hasn’t wanted kids, but the whole point of the question was to find out the good side of having kids. Thus, asking him what his perceived negatives are and making counter points is not out of the question. I am a little surprised to find that so many people are all or nothing on children. No, you should not expect perfect kids, but at the same time I don’t think you are required to gladly accept a severely handicapped child in order to consider yourself an adequate perspective parent.
David, here is what I think (it is worth what you pay for it). Kids are neat. They are funny (mine are four and three months). Mine have expanded my capacity to love so much that I can love any child because I know my children. In fact, I can see everyone as someone’s child and it has raised my ability to show empathy. Children are not little version of you, they are their own little people who kinda look like you and sometimes say stuff you do (especially the profanity). It is amazing to see what they are growing into. They take up time, money and commitment. However, they are not cinder blocks that drag you to the bottom of the ocean; they will fit into your life if you let them. If you love to travel, you can condition your child to love to travel. If you love to go out to eat, you can train (please don’t freak out on the word) your child to behave in restaurants and have a very impressive palate. The people who have kids that don’t fit into their lives (screaming, sticky, self centered brats, I believe it was) are the people who believe that their lives must now revolve around their children. My primary responsibility is to provide my children with adequate nutrition and a safe place to sleep. After that it is my job to teach them to be functioning adults and part of that is how to fit into society. So they have to wait their turn, they can not throw fits in public, they have to have well formed ideas, etc. They are not an all encompassing life change. If you let them, they are little partners in crime and they are awesome.
One final note, there are no perfect parents. And the people who think they are most qualified often suffer the most from unrealized expectations. If you want to have kids, have kids, feed them, don’t shake them and enjoy the ride.

By: Jane

Jane — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 15:04:27 +0000

“And if you can’t honestly put those children and their needs first, no matter what, for at least 18 years, forget about having them. It’s pretty much all about them and for most people that’s really tough. People just don’t want to admit it.”

Wow, Jeanette. If people really thought this way, I think we would become extinct!

Seriously, no one can be this perfect, nor as parents should we be expected to be. It is this kind of baloney that makes for very stressed out and overextended parents. Sometimes it is okay to put your own needs first. In fact, sometimes it is imperative to do that. That doesn’t mean you are a bad parent or that you are scarring your child for life. Certainly there are parents who have swung the other way and been too selfish to the detriment of their children. It is all about balance. And you are not doing your children any favors if you are totally selfless all the time and set such unattainable standards for yourself.

And I agree with the person above who rightfully said that no one is really fully prepared to be a parent and that plenty of good parents have come into it clueless or selfish.

I subscribe to the flawed parenting model (if such a model even exists!).

By: valleycat1

valleycat1 — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 14:21:16 +0000

RE#3 – David. If you know you don’t want to have children of your own, accept that decision fully & have a vasectomy, rather than expecting your future partners to protect you (& themselves) by using contraceptives. That surgery is usually reversible should you change your mind in the future.

By: Marle

Marle — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 13:05:22 +0000

At first when I read question 7, I assumed he’d already been living elsewhere since the furnace was broken. But he’s just now finding an apartment, so he had to have done something last winter without a furnace. I think I try to stay if I was him, fix things like others have said. Right now his monthly payment have to be so low that even paying to fix everything has to be cheaper than getting an apartment. Even if he has a terrible interest rate, he’s only gotta be paying ~$200 a month, and since he didn’t mention moving in with family or friends I’m assuming he’s getting an apartment on his own that’s probably going to cost 3 or more times that. He could use the money he’d spend in one month on rent, and buy several nice space heaters, then harrass his brother (who has more remodeling experience than him) to come over and help him with the leak and wiring. With a little bit of effort he can stay in the trailer for less than he’d spend on an apartment over time and he won’t have a foreclosure over his head. In 5 years if the trailer is worse then give it up, but don’t spend all your extra money paying off credit card debt just to have devasted credit anyways.

By: Katia

Katia — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 12:21:31 +0000

Re: #3 @ David
I haven’t read all the responses due to lack of time, but wanted to share that I have a brother who said from the beginning that he and his wife did not want children…he was a parole officer and she was a social worker, so they saw the ‘bad side’ of people. But after visits with/from us with our children for a few years (we live across the country from them)they now have two children and are wonderful parents. It’s different when it is your own children, as opposed to someone else’s. The key is consistency in discipline and not giving in to their every whim. (my daughter was a ‘whiner’ at first just like our neighbor girl, but learned that it didn’t help her get anything (unlike the neighbor girl) and now that the girls are almost 17, we have a considerate daugther who appreciates what she gets and has learned to earn money to get things, not a spoiled brat that expects everything the instant she wants it. :-) Good luck!

By: Mark Gavagan

Mark Gavagan — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 11:56:46 +0000

Regarding Q1, how about a P2P lending service such as Prosper? It’s a small loan amount and there may be 80 people who might lend $25 each (borrower only has one monthly payment to Prosper.com). Lenders bid against one another with the lowest rates winning the loan.

By: almost there

almost there — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 09:35:23 +0000

Re oil changes, a crush washer is a good to replace on drain plug also. If you keep car for a long time the washers are way cheaper than a replacement oil pan. Also it is cheaper to change oil yourself if you shop sales for oil and parts. I am suprised at how much it costs nowadays for non sale oil, including store brand. eBay is good source for bulk filter and washers. My grouse is 5W-20 oil is scarce now and it is the type for my Honda engines. I don’t trust the guys at the quickie oil change places like I trust myself to da a good job.

By: Nate Poodel

Nate Poodel — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 07:26:32 +0000

David-Like many posters have commented that there are many women out there who do not wish to have children either. When I met my husband he told me very early in our relationship that he wanted 5 kids! I nearly bailed but not before I made it very clear that babies weren’t on the table for me and never would be. He gave up the hope of having kids and settled for me and 2 dogs. :) Now after 10 years of marriage and at age 40 I’m finally “ready” and we are looking into our options. I think it has more to do with our relationship than anything else.
My point is…be clear with this woman and let her go if she wishes to find someone who is willing to be a parent with her. You’ll save yourself alot of headaches down the road. On the other hand as you get older you may find yourself thinking that children would be a welcome addition to your life.

By: Bill

Bill — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 05:36:37 +0000

We have curb side waste oil recycling, it is still cheaper to have it changed than I can buy the oil and filter if you can avoid the up sells.

By: Steve in W MA

Steve in W MA — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 04:16:17 +0000

Waste oil disposal fee:

1) do not dispose of oil with your town hazardous waste program. It’s too expensive.

Any Autozone will take your waste oil FOR FREE. Pep Boys probably does, too. So will most service stations and many other outlets that sell motor oil.

You can also just GIVE the oil to someone who has a waste oil furnace, if it comes to that.

By: Steve in W MA

Steve in W MA — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 04:09:09 +0000

Best advice for the 26 year old who can’t decide is to just accept that there IS no perfect solution and decide whether he wants to support himself. He may be stuck on the idea of picking the “right” path. If he wants to support himself, instead of trying to find the “right” path, he should focus on just making a REASONABLE path then follow through. There is no PERFECT choice for life work, but even so it’s best to make SOME choice, even if it’s just a decent choice instead of a fantastic choce. Making a decent choice of one path our of, say, two or three acceptable ones, would be the best way to go here because it is clear that he is indecisive. He just needs to know that he’s not going to find a perfect choice so pick a DECENT or reasonable choice that he can be fairly happy with.

One thing that will help him is answering the following question: do you want to be able to have an adult relationship with another person (man or woman, depending) and live with them as an adult? If so, start working because you need to pay for the ability to do that with MONEY. And once you get over a certain age, say 30, and have no work history or employment stability it will begin to look VERY weird to potential partner AND TO YOURSELF> Is that what you want to be dealing with in your life? If not, start making a change and building a life for yourself.