In the current environment of our Man-cession, there are a lot more men I know out of work than their wives. Looks like many sons are more in need of help than daughters. I know of several families whose husbands have lost jobs and their wives have had to fully or primarily support their families. I’ve easily been able to get work with my college degree, where my husband has really struggled, (even with his college degree in Engineering Physics), to keep his business profitable. Another friend’s husband (architect) has been out of work for over a year and is struggling with various part-time jobs. None of these families is getting or asking for support from their parents, but I’m just sayin’…

It was not mentioned by Annie that in her monthly handouts from her parents that ongoing care or support was needed from her – just that she needed monthly cash to continue in the manner she was living. Most small businesses fail – that’s the nature of being self employed. Every family needs at least one solid job with benefits. Do you think Trent would have gone self employed, starting a bolg from the get go without a partner with a secure job with benefits. It’s the way to make it work without undue hardship.

So their monies ran out as they reached the end. Not the first time I’ve seen that recently. They already got their inheritance by being supported all along. All done, no more. Reality!

Rude wake up time: Live beneath your means in order to dig out of the hole. No other way of doing it. Too bad the economy is so bad for selling the house, etc.

Monthly budget, cut all of the wants, etc..

The kids will survive as most of their friends are there already. If not, MOVE to an area where such is true.

Take Care;

What is described here was surely not a healthy situation for anyone involved in the long-run. But, I think there are healthy situations and situations of all kinds. Openness and honesty is key in a healthy financial relationship between the generations.

It is frustrating to see my friends struggle and do without because they are supporting those who are old enough to care for themselves, but I think the joke is in the kids when the “bank of mom and dad” closes.

I feel no pity on those who rely on others to support them financially, and hope the person in this example learns a valuable lesson in self-reliance from this.

However, I do think the subject of parental support/assistance of adult children is viewed very negatively in the extreme individualistic U.S./western culture, and especially on so many frugality/money management blogs. In other group-oriented cultures that often have weaker economies families work together to succeed. Parents sacrifice vacations and new cars to put their offspring through university (and I mean ALL the way through graduate school) because otherwise their kids would have little chance. Granted, school loans are not as widely available outside the U.S. and especially outside of the West. The U.S. economy is becoming information- based, and as high levels of training are becoming necessary to maintain a comfortable living, some level of parental support past the age of 18 is necessary for success. I would much rather have my child studying and taking AP classes in high school than working at McDonalds to earn money. Ditto for unpaid summer interships in college versus low-level but paying jobs.

These people made a bad mistake, the couple by not recognizing and taking advantage of the continuous gift they’d been given and the parents for not letting the couple know that there was a definitive limit to that gift (even had they lived it’s not likely they couldn’t have afforded to maintain it all that much longer). While I appreciate that it irks the heck out of those of us who have struggled while another sibling or cousin got similar handouts and this reminds us of it, why blame anyone? They blew it, now they know it. Part of the reason I read these blogs is to be reminded myself or learn about others mistakes so I hopefully can change my behaviour so I don’t make those mistakes. I’ve got a college age child and another on the verge. It’s a struggle to decide how much they pay versus how much I want to pay for them. How do I want to try to set them up for success versus setting them up to leach off me because my spouse and I can’t let go. When they were younger I was just going to do X, and then Y. Now that I’m facing the situation, it’s not quite that easy.

I think Trent’s advice is fine for what it’s worth with the exception that the term “budding” for the entrepreneur. Budding isn’t the way I’d describe someone who’s likely spent 20 years trying to get something off the ground. The only other thing is I would place a much stronger emphasis on recommending they make a real effort to divorce themselves from their stuff. Most of the folks I know who have been on parental support tie way too much of their personal worth to the “stuff” they have collected and have a real hard time letting it go because of that. That is something I think they would need to really work on so they can actually downsize and have a real shot at getting on their own feet.

Our best friends are in a very similar situation but what is not apparent to most people looking at their situation from the outside is the fact that they are both hardworking people who have been trapped in a poor economy with unfortunate debts resulting from health care bills for one of their children and “inherited” debt from previous dishonest and manipulative spouses. Both of these adult “kids” contributed increasingly greater levels of care to both sets of their aging parents as their health began to decline. One of them lost their job as a result of a crummy economy and one of them had to quit due to the parents’ severe and urgent needs because other family members wouldn’t contribute anything in terms of real time for either set of parents.

Maybe their sacrifice was financially unwise, maybe they should not have accepted donations from the parents to help keep them afloat but really – when you have a choice – do you leave you frail mother at home alone while your dying father is shipped, time and time again to the ER? How do you refuse to accept financial help from those parents when they understand full well that their needs are the largest cause of your financial failure? Health care laws do not go far enough to serve and protect families – especially extended families – in times of need. There are not enough assisted care centers and not enough funding nor enough general community support anymore to significantly assist a family with serious care needs.

The worst thing you can do is to dole out so much money to them that they don’t have a care in the world and have no idea gow to handle money, or really, what it even is…