Comments on: Handling the “Estate Meeting”

By: cherie

cherie — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 14:18:28 +0000

I usually agree with nearly everything you say LOL

Not this one

I can’t imagine this situation going well unless it’s a family that would never have had post estate fights in the first place

Most folks have said it all well, but yikes.

By: J.O.

J.O. — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 02:41:44 +0000

It may be too late for my comment to matter, but I would strongly urge Trent not to do this. I’m somewhat confused by what topics he is planning to include in the discussion but it seems like the only thing to be talked about is the estate. As others have said, it is not appropriate to spring this on the parents. If they are organizing it, that’s a completely different – and acceptable – thing. It’s their estate, for heaven’s sake – no one else’s. And in the end, it doesn’t matter if they have a will or not – if kids are going to fight, they’ll fight whether the parents tell them about it beforehand or not, and they’ll fight whether it’s in writing and legal or not. This is the parents’ business, and if the family has a history of in-fighting, maybe the best thing to do is be prepared to stay away from it all, make no claims of any kind, and take sides with no one.

If the discussion is meant to include all the other end-of-life issues, I don’t see this as a public discussion either. One or two children could privately bring this up, and after the parents make their decision it can be shared so everyone is prepared.

In my opiniion, this is just not an appropriate conversation to start on a holiday with a house full of people.

By: Leah

Leah — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 21:55:27 +0000

This is especially important to talk about if you have shared property. One of my friends was a family farmer. When his dad died without a will, his mom got all the property. She decided to not share with her boys and is instead requiring them to continue to work the farm and make the same or less than they made when his dad was alive with her living off the profits (his dad used the profits to reinvest in the farm so that they all benefitted). My friend was sure his dad intended the boys to split the farm and just give their mom enough to live off of, but that didn’t happen because there wasn’t a will and no one had talked openly about what should happen.

By: Kate

Kate — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 01:01:50 +0000

I can understand who will be the executor but not the how it will be split up. That, to me, should not be something that someone should have to even know. Unless the parents are wanting to have the meeting.

By: Pam McCormick

Pam McCormick — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 20:22:26 +0000

This just made my head spin! I have 2 brothers 2 sister for a total of 5 siblings and I am the oldest.1 brother is executor according to parents.They have a will,lawyers etc according to them.I do not know details.We barely get along now I am anticipating a mess at the time when they die.I might just walk away from the entire mess seeing as I have done fine so far without any help from them.Truly a sobering topic.

By: Nina

Nina — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 19:18:36 +0000

Take it from someone who just completed this project for an elderly parent. It took over 1 year to get everything in order because mom just didn’t want to deal with it. I finally had to ask her if she really wanted to leave me devastated at her passing, then have me deal with the mess of her estate without proper documents. When I put it that way, she finally gave in, but it was like pulling teeth. Factor in other family members who care only about what they will receive and it’s a very stressful project. Yes, in the best case, our parents and relatives “should” take care of these things themselves. But, when they do not, and we know that after they pass, we will have to deal with the mess, it is in our best interest to be proactive. Best to all of you who are working through this process because I know it is not easy.

By: Cindy Brick

Cindy Brick — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 18:37:21 +0000

I posted before on #32, but wanted to encourage your parents to do the “tape thing.” This was extremely helpful when my grandma, the matriarch of 8 children and 60-plus grandchildren, died. She marked on the underside who was supposed to get what, including valued items and Christmas presents we all had given her over the years. (Her jewelry was promptly appropriated by her oldest daughter — that’s another story.)
If Grandma had not done that, I would have been able to keep very little from her estate. I was one of the youngest cousins, still in high school and working at a hardware store after school was out. I had very little extra money, and most of that was meant for college. To keep things “fair,” Grandma’s remaining things were sold at an estate sale. Naturally, the older cousins with more disposable income took the lion’s share.

By: Ken

Ken — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 18:29:04 +0000

One way to bring up this subject with your parents is to let them know about *your* plans. Sometimes this can be enough to get a dialog going that will give some insight into their wishes, without questions coming from you that (to them) might sound like “what you got and where’s it at?”

By: socalgal

socalgal — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 17:13:06 +0000

I am not clear after reading the post if Trent is doing this on his own, or if the other family members have agreed to this. I really hope it is the latter, otherwise what an awkward family gathering. I fear Trent will be viewed as a greedy control freak if not done correctly. Good luck!

By: Maureen

Maureen — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 16:30:58 +0000

I also agree totally with #4. My siblings and I recently divided the last of my parents’ (small) estate. The monetary portion was equally divided as per the will but smaller sentimental treasures were shared fairly and amicably. We felt it would be very dishonouring to our parents to squabble. I know it is the last thing they would have wanted.

Staking claim to items while the person is still alive seems presumptuous and disrespectful to them. How do you think this endeavour will make your parents feel? Unless they spearheaded this, I do not think this is a good idea.

It is sensible to encourage your parents to make a will and even to discuss their wishes for end of life care and funeral arrangements, but this crosses a line.

By: MoreCents

MoreCents — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 15:16:17 +0000

I would advise to have this discussion without alcohol or prior to drinks being served. Perhaps that is just my Irish Catholic family…

Also, never have 2 people appointed power of attorney. Even if they are the most clear-headed, kind-hearted people you know, when the time comes to make a difficult choice, they may disagree and nothing moves forward until they both sign off.

The emotional toll of a messy estate can also scar your children. The fight over my grandmother’s estate caused such a divide in my family, I have an aunt and 7 cousins that I have never met. That being said, my mother refuses to discuss any type of estate planning.

Best of luck, Trent. Would love to hear how this conversation played out.

By: Anne

Anne — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 14:47:10 +0000

I work in the insurance and securities industry and see estate issues every day. My best advice? UPDATE THE BENEFICIARIES ON ALL YOUR INSURANCE AND INVESTMENT CONTRACTS. You’d be surprised how often people fail to update beneficiaries after a life change such as marriage, divorce, having kids, kids growing up and being independent. For example, if your life insurance policy still lists little Janie as the only beneficiary then it doesn’t matter if your will says that little Johnny should get everything. The beneficiary designation will trump all. And we often see long-deceased spouses listed as beneficiaries. It only makes the process more difficult for everyone when you have to try to find a death certificate from 25 years ago.

We recommend that people look at these things annually.

By: KC

KC — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 14:33:33 +0000

DO IT NOW…and keep up with it through the years! My father was executor to his aunt and uncle’s will. His aunt died in 1980. His uncle died in 2005. They had no children and despite being mill workers they accumulated a pretty sizable estate – about $250k. Dad didn’t stay on top of things and his uncle probably wouldn’t have helped much anyway as he was highly disorganized.

Long story short is was a mess, a huge mess. Dad had to deal with so many things he shouldn’t have. He even had people trying to break in the house because they knew the uncle kept money hidden around the house (although he really didn’t), but Dad had to change the locks to the house and carry a pistol when he was out there. Then there were legal issues…it was just a huge mess. It would have helped if matters had been looked at in the 25 years between the aunt and uncle’s death. So…DO IT NOW and review it every so often. – even if that just involves a conversation about any changes made every few years.

By: Mark Gavagan

Mark Gavagan — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 14:06:20 +0000

Oops – I meant “they’re right in the book” instead of “their”

By: partgypsy

partgypsy — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 14:01:00 +0000

#31 I totaly agree, but they are stubborn and even though we are in our 40s or late 30′s keep us completely in the dark about their finances. I know my Dad said he has already purchased (cemetary) plots for him and my mom but I would have no idea where any of that paperwork is.

By: cng

cng — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 13:52:03 +0000

Trent, I’m curious: do your family members know that this talk is coming, or are you going to spring it on them during your Thanksgiving get-together? I would hope that they have had some fair warning so that they too, can get their thoughts together and prepare themselves for what you have well described as a difficult and emotional discussion.

By: Evangeline

Evangeline — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 13:44:02 +0000

The thought of implying ‘Hey let’s sit around and decide how you’re going to divvy up the goodies.’ smacks of greed and control–even though I know that’s not what is intended. I love how my mom handled her estate and advise everyone to do something similar. Shortly after Dad died, she began to handle small but important details like adding joint holders to accounts, changing beneficiaries, etc. Periodically, she would hand me something and say, ‘Here. Put this with my papers.’ As the person handling all the details, she knew I would need these documents should anything happen. As she said so plainly, “I don’t need my will. I know what’s in it. You’re the one that will need it.” She did ask us kids if there was anything particular we were interested in ‘when the time came’ and she took it into consideration. When she became ill and passed away very abruptly, I was very prepared. I had a tiny packet containing medical powers of attorney, her will, life insurance, passwords, lists of accounts, funeral information and the name and number of the her attorney. It turned an already difficult time into something manageable. It was still hard, but at least the decisions had already been made and I knew I was fulfilling her last wishes. I encourage everyone to please love your family and friends enough to help them navigate those difficult days. It’s also important to know you don’t have to do it all at once, just get started.

By: getagrip

getagrip — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 13:36:21 +0000

I applaud Trent’s effort to get the issue on the table while his parents and in-laws are healthy enough to make there own decisions. While it would be great for the parents to bring it up, they often won’t. People don’t like planning for their own deaths, they don’t like discussing these things. If nothing else, raising it will increase awareness that they should be thinking about it and hopefully take some action.

By: joyce

joyce — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 13:18:53 +0000

I am printing this and giving a copy to my parents. Obviously by the commments left, you have touched on a big issue.

By: Amy B.

Amy B. — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 11:49:43 +0000

Lots of good comments here – as many have said, life is full of unknowns. When my parents were in what could have been a fatal car accident in their 50s, my father and I began a frank dialogue about what was where, and I was put on the signature card for the safe deposit box where the critical documents are kept.

Last year, when my mother-in-law fell ill, my brother-in-law took a week to comb through file cabinets, old statements, etc. so that we all knew what resources were available. Even my father-in-law didn’t know as he was never the primary financial manager. 15 months later, we are still finding things (assets and obligations).

Know what documents are done and outstanding. Know what insurance programs your loved ones participate in. Know what obligations are out there.

Every family is different – some have it all outlined, others exist under the philosophy of “ignorance is bliss.” Just know where you stand, and dealing with everything else will be a lot easier.