I would do everything possible to avoid having someone with a poor financial history involved in major financial choices with me. That not only seems risky to my own interests but a set-up for failure for the other person and likely to damage the relationship.

Generally, the closest I come to financial advice to acquaintances and friends is to mention, when a related subject comes up, some effort I’ve made that saved me money or re-directed my financial choices, such as negotiating with my cable company for a lower rate, or devoting the money I used to spend on lattes into a vacation fund for travel to Europe. If someone is interested, they’ll ask more; if not, the thought has been placed for the future, and I leave it at that.

I have intervened on occasion when young family members have been on the verge of major financial mistakes (in one case, making an offer on a house that was clearly an inspection nightmare). I prevented the disasters, but it made for some tense family dynamics for a while.

In my family if someone lent you money (it was always a loan, no interest charged, but had to be paid back) they also bought the right to tell you what to do with your money until the loan was repaid…any and ALL of your money, as the loan money could be considered to have gone to any frivolous end, even though it was requested for a specific purpose. (Think: “she needed for $2,000 to fix her car, but she just went to VEGAS for the weekend????”)

This made us all very reluctant to get into any financial trouble and ever ask for loans or bail-outs, and was the greatest lesson I could have learned as a kid. I had emergency bail-out funds at age 12 from baby-sitting money, just to avoid the nagging and the fish-eye looks.

In their old age the elders actually began to give away their money, to the amazement of all, and they explained it was for tax purposes and because they knew we were all “tightwads” and would use it to a good end.

@#19 deRuiter – as usual, I agree with everything you say – my kind of frugal!

My dad opened an account for me when I was 10, put in a certain amount of money. He’s been managing the account ever since. Even though I am married, I have never touched a cent in the account, because the understanding is that it is for the down payment on my first home.

While we don’t touch it, when my husband and I consider the amount of money to be spent on our home (we plan to buy in the next 2 years), we take this money into account.

The only other situation in which we would consider using this money is a medical necessity, because it is clear that while this money is mine, it absolutely has strings attached.

That said, I wouldn’t think twice about using it for home improvements or basic furnishings (apartments where I live come without closet space, for example) when we do buy a home.

Then there are the examples from childhood – a factor that Trent has mentioned repeatedly in describing his own early incompetence with finances. If I’ve never seen it done and never done it, how do I know where to begin?

Next is the practice effect -to be good at something, you have to practice it repeatedly. And most of us fall into a pattern of doing the things we are good at and avoiding the things that come hard. This can be especially true in a marriage, where tasks can be allocated based on existing skills.

I have a relative who, after losing his financially competent wife, often had calls from bill collectors and his utilities cut off, despite sufficient cash on hand to write the checks – his priorities were never on paperwork, and he had no money management skills. His kids worried all the time.

A couple of years ago, one of his adult children offered to manage his finances; said “Dad, put me on your checking account and let me pay your bills” They sat down together, the son asked the questions needed to establish a budget plan and they set up a box for Dad to drop in the unopened incoming bills. Twice a month the son comes for dinner, pulls out the bills, transfers $ to savings, writes the checks for dad to mail. Dad uses his ATM card based on his balance in checking and everybody is happy.

Circumstances vary. People are not widgets. Hard and fast rules seldom work.

If asked for advice, give it freely. Otherwise, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!

In my personal life, I have been helping out a friend who is unemployed. I have been paying for his cell phone bill, car maint and gas. The exchange for me is that he runs errands for me.
I freely do it, appreciate that I can drive less as I send him on pick up the dry cleaning type tasks. Win/win.

I have been thinking about gifting my two Nieces $13,000 each as Christmas presents to help toward their down payments to buy homes. But I dont want to attache strings…or maybe I should. As part of me doesnt want to see the money frittered away. I would prefer it be kept as capital. But then once the gift is made, that is not my call.

Still mulling this one over…

And I agree with others, ditch the passive-aggressive “I’m disappointed.”

One thing about helping. In some cases, “helping” out financially can be enabling. Hard call in many cases, but as others said, help without resentment, guilt or strings. If you cannot do that, then don’t “help.”

FYI: If help is not freely given, without strings or obligations, it’s not help. It’s some other kind of exchange.

With money, the real issues are never really about money or spending. They go far deeper. It’s the one thing that is rarely addressed in an ongoing fashion on a long-term basis.

Over the years, I’ve observed that people who have what they need on an emotional level tend to be able to create a healthy financial life regardless of their income, etc.

ON the other hand, I’ve seen people who made fortunes, millions and had great jobs who got themselves into all kinds of financial trouble.

We really need to understand what motivates us to spend or to make poor (or no) financial choices.

I almost think, when it comes to couples, that all should be required to give full financial disclosure and undergo counseling PRIOR to any marriage or live-in situation. Few things are as destructive as ongoing financial problems.

In other words, they have to want to do it. Trying to goad a person toward ‘the water’ is more likely to make them dig in their heels and continue self-destructive behavior because /no one/ likes being told they’re wrong. And as someone who deals with bipolar disorder I know more than the average bear about /that/ twisted little bit of the human psyche!

This is not to suggest that one should give up on helping their loved ones entirely. The best thing to do is to slip them a bit of psychological trickery – make them think /they/ came up with the motivation to change rather than you pushing them into it, then help them with a plan to succeed – and /follow through/! That last step is so important, without adequate support even the most strong-willed person will backslide and could end up right back where they started – or worse.

finances and weight.

Stay out of it*. Especially no passive agressive “quiet dispointment” crap.

*possible exception to this rule being your actual spouse.

Plus there’s a huge differnce between being mad at someone and expressing that anger and reacting with a “pile of rage” and “exploding” at someone.

If someone’s first reaction reaction is “rage” and “exploding” at someone then maybe that person has anger management issues. It’s entirely possible to be mad at someone and convey that anger in a construtive manner.

Offering someone additional outside advice on something you actually discussed with them, assuming it is occasional, can be helpful.

Deciding the limits of the help you’ll give up front is a good idea. Diving in to rescue someone is admirable, but when they’re flailing and tearing at you trying to save themselves, you have to know when to kick away and switch tactics or depending on how bad you’re getting mauled, let it go and get more qualified help.

Diane is spot on. NOthing makes you love someone as much as doing something for them. And nothing makes someone resent you more than doing something for them. It’s really a tough situation. It’s rare that someone has “bottomed”, is ready to make REAL changes, and asks for your help.

Look, either you help someone or you don’t. If you help someone who has shown themselves to be fairly irresponsible over time and displayed bad behaviors, then you help them as a mitzvah and good deed alone. If you expect a change of behavior, to be paid back, effusive thanks, or whatever, you will be disappointed.

Help. Don’t help. But helping with expectations is a mug’s game.

It’s about reinforcing wanted behaviors and making unwanted behaviors more difficult, and that takes a lot more consistently-applied effort than merely having a heart-to-heart. It’s why so many people fail at training their dogs.

“I’m so broke” can mean that somebody is up to their eyeball in credit card debt and has no savings … or it could just mean an unexpected expense cropped up that they’re having to budget for, or even an expected one. It’s a very personal emotion and one person’s feeling broke is another person’s flush with cash.

That’s a little off-topic, but my point is, I just don’t have a clue who these suggestions would be suitable for … they’re certainly not appropriate for a friend or any adult you’re not married to.

To me, the only proper course of action is IF somebody else is bringing up money, to say “well, I have an interest in personal finance, if you ever want to talk about it, I’d be happy to tell you what works for me or what I’ve read works for other people.” And that’s it.