#33 Petunia @ 1:13 pm February 21st, 2011

@Q2 – I think some are being a bit harsh on the DIL. She stated that she and her husband paid for FIL’s cremation and burial expenses. That wasn’t helping? I think it was. She’s worried about her MIL, or she wouldn’t be writing. She’s thinking that “tough love” may be necessary. She may be right or wrong, but either way, she is concerned.

The MIL likely does not qualify for SS benefits.
You don’t get benefits simply because you are a widow. You must have reached retirement age, or have a minor child.

@Q3 – Trent’s answer is incorrect.

If the home sells for less than the mortgage balance, the estate does not owe the difference. The loan is secured by the home, not the estate. Google it, Trent. Please spend 3 minutes on Google before giving this reader bad information.

Also, no lender will go 92% LTV on a reverse mortgage. (Your example, 110k reverse mortgage on a home worth 120k). The norm is 50 – 60%.

Here is a site which provides accurate information on reverse mortgages:

End of copy and paste. I left the site off since I believe that is why my first comment is still awaiting moderation. But I urge Martha, the writer of Q3, to Google reverse mortgages for herself.

Anywho. I have a response to Dana, #1: Dude, if your parents need more money, they’ll try harder to find work. If they don’t, then they won’t. And really, why should they? Sure they’re in debt, but do they have any intention of moving? If they stopped paying their credit cards altogether (or paid just the minimums), how would that impact their lives?

From your description, it sounds like they are looking for discretionary income, not survival income. That shouldn’t necessitate a full-time job. Why don’t they try setting up an eBay business, or a home daycare center, or some other kind of part-time or self-employed work?

Although I know you are dealing with reality, part of me just gets up in arms at the idea that someone in their 60s should be forced to go back to school and scrabble for jobs against people in their 20s. That’s when you know a society is failing.

Of course all this hinges on how much you want to remain in human resources and how far you want to advance in that field. As you learned from your husband’s experience, an incomplete degree is not of any real financial value in the workplace, yet the tuition debt is very real. You say you were “forced” to return to work – that sounds as though you are not really committed to the prospect of advancing your career track. If that is the case, but you still wish to stay marketable within HR, then I suggest obtaining your PHR certification, at the least. SHRM’s own PHR prep course is $1,300 for members – again, your employer may reimburse either or both the prep course and the membership. Getting a PHR certification is a relatively easy short-term goal for establishing your HR credentials. Your experience prepping for the PHR exam will tell you a lot about whether or not grad school is for you.

You seem very focused on the smoking. Why is that?

I have a financial POA for my father’s bank account, which gives my signing privileges should he be incapacitated (he has some health issues), but also bestows fiduciary responsibilities on me, and requires that I do not mix my assets with his. He also identified me as the executor of his estate. We had his bank draw up the POA for free, you could do the same and remove your name from the joint account to simplify the estate.

We are not talking about whether Kelly should give her MIL money.

We don’t have enough information to know if Katie was aware of the bad financial situation before her husband’s death. So this maybe new behavhior for her.

Of course there maybe more to the story than we know and Katie might not be a nice person.

It’s not Kelly and her husband have been contributing any of their money to help and who knows maybe if Katie did have a little bit of financial assistance she might be able to climb out of this mess.

They haven’t been giving her any money and they don’t have to give her any money directly to help her. Again, Kelly’s husband could do some leg work and try to get some information and resources.

I am also pretty sure that an addict needs to want to quit and all the leg work in the world done by someone else is useless.

Choosing not to give someone money that is making horrible financial decisions that could easily be corrected has nothing do do with compassion

It was the single hardest time of my life, and the only reason I came through it was love. It was showered on my by family, friends, aquaintances, and a terrific therapist.

Financially, it was tough, but I made it. Unlike Katie in Q2, I did work outside the home, so although I lost my house (as Katie also has!) I was at least able to afford to rent an apartment.

Spending like a maniac after your spouse dies is common, I bought all sorts of junk I did not need as a balm against the pain. It takes time to get through the grief, and it takes some trial and error. And it certainly takes more than a year, especially if you have been displaced from your home, and left destitute by the spouse who was supposed to take care of the finances.

Kelly, I believe that the other posters are right. If you are not subsidizing your MIL, than you have no say in how she lives her life. I can tell from the tone of your letter that you want her to get over this, so that she will not become a financial obligation to you and your husband. The truth is, however, she is getting over it. Slowly, one day at a time, and it seems she is doing the very best that she can with what she has got.

While it would certainly be a kindness for you to offer a gift of money during this trying time, it is not obligated. What would be more of a blessing, however, is some compassion. Send her cards that let her know you are thinking about her. Call once a week, just to listen, and really try to put yourself in her shoes when she cries because she misses her husband and former way of life, and cheer for her when she has a victory, such as holding down a part time job for the first time in decades. Heck, when I was a new widow, finding the energy to wash my hair was a victory.

If you take the time and effort to show her compassion, and build a relationship with her, then you can nudge her about smoking, and finances, and feeding her dog regular dog food. Because if you have a compassionate relationship with her, she will know your concerns come from the fact that you care about her, NOT that you care that she someday may need your financial help.

I guarantee you that if you take the time to just be there for her, you will both reap rewards. If this is something that you cannot do, then please, just leave this lady alone to pick up the pieces, and do not kick her while she is down.

Also, I would be more than happy to call her and get to know her. Sometimes it is so much easier to talk to someone who has similar experiences, so if you think it might benefit your MIL, please ask Trent for my email.

Trent, please see above. I would love to talk to ‘Katie’, if Kelly thinks it would help, but I do not want to post my email here. Will you please give my email to Kelly if she should ask you?

Thanks.

Nicotine is one of *the* most addictive substances out there. Sure there are people who are able to quit cold turkey but the reality is that most people have a hard time quitting becuase they are physically and psychologically addicted.

Which is why there are so many drugs and other programs to help people quit. I know a several people who tried to quit and one was going through an extremely stressful time and her doctor advised her to wait on quitting because she didn’t need the extra stress on top of everything else.

Plus there are other things that Kelly and her husband can do for her Kelly besides just give her money.

They could do the leg work to find resources in the area to help Kattie.

I don’t understand why you and others are arguing that Kelly and her husband shouldn’t show compassion to Katie.