Comments on: Out of Control

By: Paula

Paula — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 00:39:16 +0000

@#4 Rebecca: My son is also autistic (verbal). I only have one child though and thought our life was crazy enough, I don’t know how you do it with three children–two with special needs!

By: Jen

Jen — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 23:08:17 +0000

I went through that long time ago but somehow, and really like out of the blue, I started feeling that this did not give me freedom but I felt I was somewhat stuck in a cycle where I would buy something and feel in control and then shortly again felt totally chaotic. I then realised that I was using shopping as a substitute for real intrinsic satisfaction. Once that sinked in, I never looked back. I feel so in control and it’s so wonderful to be able to say “I don’t need this” or “I won’t get this because it’s not that important”… it’s liberating because I feel that I don’t have the pressure to conform to other people’s standards of living (I felt that way in the past). Instead I feel happy about my life and how I’m living it, especially as I know that I walk at the beat of my own drum.

By: Heather

Heather — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 21:03:56 +0000

Also on a different note, try taking a daily multivitamin. I used to have big up and down days, now I’m a lot calmer. Who knows maybe you are deficient in iron or b vitamins. This can affect your mood.

By: Susan

Susan — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 15:34:20 +0000

I don’t have children and I could still relate to Maggie’s comment. I think her feelings are much more comment than anyone thinks. Life in this century is so difficult when we have so many “bosses”. It’s a survival response to look for something we can control and look for oasis’s of peace (even if they are mirages…ha).
Anyway, thank you Trent for publishing her comments and for your suggestions. Getting organized is a great way to feel in control and not spend money. It also gives us tasks to focus on that give us a sense of making progress (Maggie’s children messing things up is the opposite).
Good comments on this blog to help Maggie as well. I hope she reads them.

By: Sam

Sam — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 19:25:48 +0000

I feel ya Maggie – I have kids & they know how to pickup & they are perfectly capable of it… but I am the only person on the planet who exspects them to pickup after themselves.

At school they are told leave it for the janitor.

At the sitter &/or daycare – they get waited on hand & foot.

At relatives – I am demonized as they are told they should do nothing but play during their childhood.

It is a parents job to raise kids to be competent adults & modern society really undermines that at all angles.
If it helps any… look into “Love & Logic” (they have free newsletters) some of their one liners will really get a kid to clamp it and get moving.
There’s some other free parent news letters i get for ideas however I’d need to dig since I delete them when I’m done reading them. If you wish me to post them I’ll compile a list :)

Every night I come home to a trashed house & every night I get chewed & they try to get me to argue as they stumble around & pick it up. They don’t get dinner until everything is put away. Dinner is not served after 7. Period.

My kids are all school age and I get to hear all the time about how their friends don’t have to do anything & the parents keep it clean (grumble).
The sad part is while the kids pickup, many things are *not* put where they belong leaving me five different shades of frustrated when i need a misplaced item.

Also, if it’;s at all helpful Maggie – when my kids demand anything (other then emergency care or an extra hand before something falls) the answer is automatically “no”. If they don’t like that then they can go to bed until they can be a lady or a gentleman. All request are to be made with “please”.

I hope some amount of this is helpful. Also, no matter what, I send the kids to a night sitter once a month for my sanity. I force it to fit in the budget. It’s the only time I truly get a break.

By: David

David — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 14:44:44 +0000

I found that cooking the family meal each night was the control I needed and looked forward to. I come home from work, survey the fridge and pantry, craft a meal, serve it up, and finish off by emptying the sink.

By: deRuiter

deRuiter — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 10:46:02 +0000

Dear Sandy, #5, thank you for your story. It’s a cautionary tale to LOOK CAREFULLY at the person with whom you are going to have children, BEFORE you produce the children, so you know whether you will have a partner or an anchor. After one or two children it seems that a person would be able to tell if the other person was a partner in the venture of child rearing, or an anchor, and if the latter , perhaps it would be better for all concerned, not to have more children? It’s also a good idea to ASE the other person befeore prouducing a child, what he thinks of the idea. Often men say, “No, I don’t want a baby.” and the woman gets pregnant anyway, thinking (in her dream world) “Oh, he’ll love the baby when it comes.” and in fact he resents the baby he told the woman he didn’t want.

By: LeahGG

LeahGG — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 09:33:04 +0000

I think if you have very small kids, you’re always going to feel somewhat under assault. I certainly do with mine (3.5 and 2) Get one calm, and the other’s on a wrecking mission…

By: Sandy

Sandy — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 08:25:38 +0000

God…poor Maggie…I know just how she feels :-( I had 4 kids under 6 at one point, and to be honest – I can’t remember much of that time – I was exhausted. When the youngest was 4 I went back to part time work, and got no help from my husband – I had to work AND do all the other stuff I had been doing as well.
Fast forward 8 years and my husband was not working due to an injury and did nothing but lie on the couch 18 hours a day….
I left him. I also resented my kids – I felt used, by them and him. It’s a sad day when you resent your own kids. My counsellor said that was because I hadn’t been looking after myself, and had not had any support from my husband.
Anyway, my point to all this is to say that when you start getting seriously hacked off by your own kids, then it’s a warning sign – you really need to get some help/support from somewhere, before you have a breakdown….

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 23:42:04 +0000

No where in Maggie’s statement does she hint that her spending is out of control or excessive. Just that she likes the control she has while shopping.

My life is also chaos. 3 kids ages 6 and under, 2 who are autistic, mainly nonverbal, none of whom are totally toilet trained yet. I live in the house of scream. I enjoy doing our household shopping, it does give me a sense of order and control. I do it for a reason and it is very planed out. I know what I am buying, why I am buying it and how much I can spend in any given trip or month. It is very much in line with our budget and within our income limits. I enjoy it. And I don’t feel one bit manipulated by advertising. If anything adds turn me off to products.

Perhaps for some this kind of thing is a compulsion and can be addictive and destructive if you are hiding it from others and racking up debt. But from that clip we can’t tell if Maggie is doing that or not.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 23:02:34 +0000

How old are Maggie’s kids? I think most any working mom is going to feel that war between work duties, being a mom, and just having some time for herself.
Just like Trent says, Maggie needs to carve out some space in her house for herself away from the kids and feel ok about using it. Dad needs to step up and watch the kids (if they are little like mine). If the kids are older they should be able to pick up their mess to some degree.

By: Dorothy

Dorothy — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 20:54:19 +0000

So sad, especially since Maggie’s sense of “controlling” her purchases is illusionary. Given our constant bombardment with advertising, she’s just as manipulated in her buying as in the rest of her life.

I’m particularly saddened by Maggie’s experience with her children. They shouldn’t be making messes; they should be helping (with Maggie’s supervision, training and encouragement) to make their house a happy, serene home. If a child is old enough to get a toy out to play with, he’s old enough to put it away. This means Maggie will have to organize the house and teach her children to help, not hinder, but the end result will be so rewarding, that she won’t need to find a false sense of self in senseless purchasing.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 20:35:48 +0000

Do you typically “bust out” credit cards to pay for stuff?