Comments on: It’s Not About Having the Right Partner. It’s About Being the Right Partner.

By: Emma

Emma — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 16:41:05 +0000

Matt and Brittany – I agree with you 100% if we’re talking about a life partner.

But, there are many cases where we can’t pick our partners: our bosses, our coworkers, our family members…. in this case, the only thing to do is to be the best partner *you* can be, and don’t worry about trying to change the other person.

By: Brittany

Brittany — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 13:34:05 +0000

Agreed, Matt. Even not being a doormat, I’ve found “being the right partner” to someone who is the wrong partner had led to a lot of emotionally unhealthy situations in my life. (And who wants a doctor who constantly diagnoses him with the wrong thing? If I present my symptoms, whose fault is it if my medical professional with years of training makes a mistake in the diagnosis?)

You can’t control other people, yes. You can only control how you act around them, yes. But sometimes that means stopping being “the right partner.” Partnership is just a traditional game theory prisoner’s dilemma. We we both cooperate, we get a high payoff. If we both defect, we get the same lower payoff. But if I (unable to control your actions) cooperate while you defect, you get a very high pay-off on my good graces and I get stuck with the sucker payoff.

It’s have both having the right partner AND being the right partner.

By: MattJ

MattJ — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 12:07:17 +0000

The title would be better written as “It’s as much about being the right partner as it is about having the right partner”.

If you’ve got the wrong partner, then trying to be a good partner to them is nothing but wasted effort.

By: KC

KC — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 00:39:29 +0000

I play a lot of tennis and this really applies to the sports world as well. It applies to so many aspects of life.

By: ChrisD

ChrisD — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 00:11:11 +0000

I find a good trick to stop yourself blaming someone is to ask yourself, ‘what SHOULD that person have done/said’. This will clarify the situation and make you think more about the other person, making it clear that they couldn’t really have done any different (when that is the case, obviously if they are genuinely in the wrong then you will have to move over to forgiveness, or stick with blame).

By: Sara

Sara — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 23:34:39 +0000

I’m 21 years old and it’s been in the last year that I’ve realized I can’t affect how other people act towards me, I can only affect how I act towards other people. It’s been a huge attitude change that’s made serious difference in my general happiness level. Realizing it now makes me feel old beyond my years, because I know people older than me who don’t seem to understand this concept – and that makes me kind of sad. I shared this on Facebook in the hopes that some of my friends will read it and consider what you have to say.

By: Shane

Shane — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 21:49:42 +0000

Great post and some fantastic advice there.

It can be frustrating when others cannot understand these kind of principles (or just choose not to!) but I think perserverance is the key. Treat people with respect and most folks will come around eventually.

By: Joanna

Joanna — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 20:54:54 +0000

Love the post and the quote, Trent. It’s timely for me as I was just communicating this to my 5-year old Sunday School class yesterday. We had a lot of tattling going on which brought us to a discussion about forgiveness and focusing on how my friend can be a better friend to me. Easy concept, but important to keep top of mind as it’s challenging even for us adults.