However, it wouldn’t hurt for him to consider whether this is a short term issue caused by a baby (who most probably won’t wake several times a night for much longer) or a longer term career dilemna.

If he really can’t turn his cell phone off at night (could he delegate/outsource it?) then perhaps he should consider buying some paid help in the form of childcare so he and his wife can have some sleep/time together (at weekends?) Emotionally, he needs to be there for his wife since I doubt she is having an easy ride with the night time wakings.

Personally, it sounds like he has an awesome job (compared to my husband’s) and I would urge him to look at its merits along with its drawbacks, as well as looking beyond the immediate term. We all know young babies develop quickly and life changes drastically within a couple of years. Ok, so he gets a few calls a week at night, but is well paid and gets to spend a lot of time at home with his family. He needs to figure out how he can make it work for him and his growing family. It’s totally doable.

It sounds like he’s in one of those jobs that either he’s willingly married to or he has to leave. But now that he has a child pulling in the opposite direction, he may be sensing the long term struggle.

Most jobs can be better managed, but in some jobs the employee is there precisely to be a shock absorber. He probably is dealing with repetative crises, but each is sufficiently different from one another that his job can’t be mechanized, streamlined or delegated–hence the high pay and pestigious title.

This really does sound like the classic your-job-or-your-life situation. I completely agree with Steven (#14) that there needs to be an Exit Strategy, maybe not for right now, but one to create a direction out. Either he’ll burn out or they’ll fire him, and he’s better off leaving in his own time and on his own terms.

The purpose of a job is to support your life, not to dominate it. Now that he has a child that’s more important than ever. His child will need an involved dad and if he doesn’t provide this he’ll regret it all his life.

If there’s any doubt, check out “Regrets of the Dying” on inspirationandchai.com. The author worked with dying patients, and wrote that Regret #2 was “I wish I didn’t work so hard”. She reported that every male patient she worked with expressed this regret. Trent’s friend can fix this now.

I also do agree that talking to the boss could backfire. The job doesn’t seem to have really changed either. Many bosses won’t feel the need to help. Plus I think being on call and the ‘go to guy’ is possibly a large part of why he is paid well.

But the most important thing he can do is drop the alcohol, cigs, and coffee. Those are stress multipliers, not reducers.

Take some vacation time at the very least and catch up on sleep.

The problem looks like it may be temporary, maybe not, people change, jobs change, circumstances change. Life is change. I hope he saved up that extra income.

And I’d second the comment that says he should quit drinking. Not only because of the sleep issue, but because drinking and stress/anger/frustration/depression is not a good combination. He might be taking himself down an even more destructive path.

With an end in sight, hope is restored, and it’s a lot easier to deal with the BS of the job when you know it’s days are numbered.

Rather than just falling into the “if the job pays a lot of money then it’s too much personal sacrifice and your life must be living hell, so I need to quit and find something lower paying but more meaningful” type of thinking, here’s what he does.

-takes naps during the day and early evening if he’s tired. We also have light blocking shades to make this easier.
-works constructively and proactively. He works for a utility, and sometimes having well documented plans and procedures can save you a call at 3am because someone doesn’t understand how to fix the problem.
-schedules his “downtime” for hobbies he enjoys. For example, every Thursday night he plays online games with friends.
-try and delegate work when possible. Obviously it depends on the position and job responsibilities, but he’ll ask other people on his team to take on some tasks sometimes.
-get what he needs to make his work environment easiest on him. If he’d rather have a trackball mouse than a regular mouse, or an extra desk lamp, or whatever – even if it’s not company provided, if it helps make his environment more positive, it helps with your attitude. His phone ringtone is from one of our son’s favorite TV shows – hard to imagine anyone breaking into a cold sweat from listening to Wow Wow Wubbzy.

I do agree with Trent about finding the core problem first. DH’s biggest issue at first was that he shared an office with his boss, and his boss would constantly be talking to him all day. He moved to working from home and now is much more productive and is a lot happier. I also agree with other commenters that the baby waking up 2-3 times a night is a temporary problem.

Generally, I agree that it makes sense to try and adjust the job short-term and then see how things are once everything is more settled with the baby. He might still hate it then, and then it makes sense to start looking for a new job. But job hunting and starting a new job are so stressful in and of themselves that dealing with those as a new born would probably be worse than keeping the current one.

Also he should stop drinking at all. Alcohol will make you think you’re relaxing, but will rob you of good sleep. He should put down the drinks until he’s caught up on sleep and the baby is older.

Since he previously loved his job and the working arrangement is pretty good, with telecomuting etc. I wouldn’t rock the boat there at all. He might ask for some backup for the short term, but changing jobs is also a very stressful life event. He should NOT jump to any hasty decisions.

I would anticipate that in a few months he will have adjusted to his new role as a father and things will be on an even keel again.

Recognize when it’s a short-term dissatisfaction and when it’s a long-term shift.

Because in your friend’s case, the baby is only three months old. When his child gets a few months older (whether that’s 3 months or 9 months or whenever) and starts sleeping through the night, your friend should have it a little easier again. Maybe taking some FMLA time would be appropriate, or making a plan to use some vacation time for sleep time in the short term would help.

The same recognize if it’s long term or short term can apply in any situation where you’re job shifts – whether it’s because you’re suddenly burdened with extra work because of a staff shortage or expected to come into the office on weekends to work on a major project. There’s a huge difference in the first case if you know they’re looking to hire a replacement or it’s somebody else who is out temporarily and expected to return, or if they position has been eliminated permanently and you’re just expected to make due. And in the second case, if the project has an end date and you can reasonably expect it won’t immediately be replaced with another one that will cause the same sort of pain, sometimes your best answer is waiting it out and telling yourself that this, too, you will get through.

It is not worth sacrificing your health, your sanity, or your marriage for a job, no matter how well it pays.

My husband walked away from a good paying job that sounds very similar to your friend’s…it required him being on call 24/7, in addition to working the regular 9-5. The stress mounted until he was having chest pains and daily panic attacks. He would sit by the computer at home, watching “just in case something would happen at work”, too afraid to take a vacation for fear of what would wait for him when he came back to work. The sound of the Verizon text message ringtone would make him jump in fear. He tried talking to his supervisor, but the response was, “this is your job, you need to find a way to make it work”. At the end he was having suicidal thoughts. After a full nervous breakdown, he took short term disability for 8 weeks, and then quit.

The job was a widowmaker. The company replaced my husband with FIVE employees after he left, and two of those quit within weeks.

Leaving was the best thing we could have done. Even though it was 2009 and jobs were non-existent, it gave us the push we needed to start our own successful IT business, now in our third year. We still have stress, but it is the good kind, not the debilatating kind. We visited our family doctor and got help for my husband’s anxiety, which is now well-managed. Our marriage is stronger.

It’s scary to walk away, but it is scarier to hit rock bottom. Don’t wait…leave now.

Best wishes to your friend.

I wish we all had the choice between doing something we hate for a lot of money or doing something we love for less. Sometimes it’s doing something we hate for less out of sheer necessity. I do feel for this guy. But I also know what it’s like to put up with high level stress and not have the pay scale to match it either. But the bills must be paid, and family provided for. Your job may not BE your life, but when it takes up most of your waking hours (and in this guy’s case, his sleeping hours too) and starts to feel like it’s the largest part of your life. But I agree that a situation like the above is unsustainable.