People think I’m being defensive, when what I’m really being is more like, “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

And, of course, them then calling me defensive just escalates it again, because they’re wrong, again. :-)

So what does this mean? A lot of items are subjective and Trent’s position of research might be apt if you don’t know a lot about a topic. However you have a gut feel if you strip off all the excuses.

So as to the topic at hand, when people tell you things that are negatives. If you have done any sort of self reflection, you should already know what they said. You can go many ways with it. You can deflect, accept, or ignore. I am a big man (read my moniker, and you could imagine) and when someone tells me something about my weight, here are my responses depending on what I want to do. You can accept by saying something like “Thanks for the feedback”. You can ignore by saying something like “Anyways, moving along, did you hear about this project.” Deflecting is my favorite :) One time I was at work and this lady told me “You should loose some weight and get healthier”. I looked at her and burst out shouting “Oh my god I never knew that. I wondered why I could never buy shirts that are less that XXL. This is my Oprah moment. You have truly saved my life !!” She was mortified and embarrassed as about 50 cube dwellers decided to gopher to hear what is going on. Another favorite was when a little girl (maybe 5) was standing next to me at the grocery line and proceeded to tell me “Mommy he’s fat.” The mother was mortified and I looked at the little girl and kneeled down next to her and said “And you are small. I am glad you are getting so smart to make observations. You will do well when you get to school.” I did not embarrass her, as she was being a kid, but diffused the situation and the mother realized I was not offended.

Again – it is all about how to take things, and how you look at yourself and know about your strengths and weaknesses. If you know you have weaknesses and don’t work on them, then you cannot be angry if they are exploited or noticed. Knowledge is half the battle.

http://www.sustainablefamilyfinances.com/2011/06/financial-infidelity.html

When I’m arguing/debating with someone and they say something that’s totally wrong, and I know exactly why it’s totally wrong, I don’t usually have a strong emotional reaction – I just say “That’s nonsense, and here’s why.” What makes me feel defensive is when I have a strong gut feeling that they’re totally wrong, but I can’t articulate why. So in that case, yes, I do benefit from “digging deeper” and learning more about the facts and logic behind my position.

However, there are also other things that make me feel defensive or make me want to leave the room. For example, if I’ve already said “That’s nonsense, and here’s why” several times, and the other person continues to repeat the thing that’s totally wrong, as if they’d never even heard me. At that point, there’s really nothing I can do.

Trent’s (unintentionally, I hope) echoing an argument used by those who partake in emotional bullying, and I hope he can come to understand that unqualified blanket statements on an advice-giving blog is not a cool thing to do.

While I am at a completely different stage in my life than Trent, I focus on the posts that speak to me and my situation. I for one, can say Trent’s posts often leave me thinking of aspects of personal and financial improvement that I would otherwise not consider. And I truly appreciate his perspective.

Becoming irritable, bad-tempered, crabby, annoyed, bearish, brooding, cantankerous, choleric, contentious, crabbed, cross, crotchety, disputatious, dissatisfied, dyspeptic, easily offended , exasperated, fiery, fractious, fretful, gloomy, grouchy, grumbling, hot, huffy, hypercritical, ill-humored, irascible, moody, morose, oversensitive, peevish, petulant, plaintive, prickly, querulous, quick-tempered, resentful, snappy, snarling, surly, tense, testy or touchy only stresses you out. In reality, the problem may lie with your advisor rather than you. Know thyself.

But really this post may inward directed rather than outward-directed, and I wonder if this post means Trent is considering getting an intern fact-checker? It is perhaps the most raised criticism of all steady commenters. Maybe he is re-evaluating recent reader criticisms. I am not automatically assuming that this post is just being preachy.

I just can’t imagine this was in response to people not being willing to engage in conversation regarding the hate-filled rants of late, or the recent heat taken over facts and being judgmental, because that would make this post defensive, and utterly ironic!

Assuming you decide these are legitimate caring concerns, not unsolicited just-being-ugly type comments, my first step in digging deeper would be engaging the person(s) in a deeper conversation – why are they bringing it up, do they fully understand the situation/issue/reality of your life, on what are they basing their comments, what constructive suggestions to they have, books they recommend, etc. Then figure out your plan to move forward regarding the issue.

“Look for how you can improve yourself instead of just blaming others.”

You keep harping on this point. It can’t die quickly enough.

This is one thing that you probably need to hear (lots and lots). But why bother?

An example related to this blog is a commenter who won’t stop posting vile and misogynist comments about single mothers and welfare. Defensive? Well, I am neither a single mother nor a welfare recipient but I don’t need or want to dig deeper to understand why I don’t want to hear any of it.

There are things and beliefs you don’t compromise on, period.